Where Your Book Begins
by The Lady Elizabeth
Summary: High school is over. As they enter a new stage in their lives, the girls will discover joy, sorrow, betrayal, love, and strength as they have never experienced it before. They'll soon discover what they need to survive is love and faith in each other.
1. A Typical Brewer Thomas Morning

Chapter 1: _A Typical Brewer-Thomas Morning  
_

**Kristy**

_August 14_

_In just a couple of weeks, I am officially going to be a college student. It's insane. I've always considered myself mature, and responsible, and everything like that, but I don't know about this whole idea of living on my own for a full year. OK, so, fine I'll be home at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas, and there's always spring break and summer, so I won't be gone the __**whole**__ year, but that isn't the __**point**__. The point is that I won't be living at home and I won't have my crazy family and friends to keep me company. It will be all __**new**__ people that I don't know anything about and who don't know anything about me… and I don't know that I am quite settling into that idea. _

_And yet, I'm sure that I'm just being ridiculous about the whole thing and worrying about absolutely nothing. I worried so much about high school (and even middle school, now that I really think back on it) and that turned out fine. More or less. Besides, it's not as though living in a dorm could be any less crazy than living at home…_

**oOo**

"Hurry up and get out of the bathroom!"

"David Michael, just _how_ many bathrooms do we have in this house?"

"Open the door, Karen."

"Find another bathroom!"

"My toothbrush is in _there_."

"I don't care. _Elizabeth!_"

Ah, the sweet, sweet sounds of morning in the Brewer-Thomas household. As I dared to open my eyes, I heard my little brother pound angrily on the bathroom door just down the hall from my bedroom. I smiled as I heard my stepsister Karen throw the old fashioned bolt-lock on the door and scream even more loudly for my mother. My door slammed open and I had just enough time to sit up as a bundle of slobbering, barking fur came barreling towards me.

Now is the time to press the pause button and allow me to explain a few things. Contrary to what I'm sure you're picturing, I really do _not_ live in an insane asylum. Oh, it definitely _feels_ like it sometimes, especially today, but I can promise you that our home is only the residence of the crazy people known as my family.

First of all, there are my parents. Well, my mom and my stepdad, Watson. My biological father skipped out on us when I was a little kid and I've only seen him a handful of times since. To be honest, Watson has been more like a father to me and my little brother David Michael than I think my biological dad has been. It's a little more complicated with my older brothers, Charlie and Sam, who were older when Dad left. It's been a few years since Mom married Watson and my brothers don't seem to have any ill-feelings towards our stepfather, but I think there are times when Sam, especially, really wishes that it was just Mom, Dad, and us kids again. Without all of the complications that come with people getting divorces, and remarrying, and having more kids, etc. There are moments, too, when I almost find myself sympathizing, but then I find myself snapping out if pretty fast when I remember that I wouldn't have the amazing family I have now if things were the way they used to be all those years ago.

I know. I've mentioned my brothers, but I haven't really said anything to describe them besides saying a little bit of what they think about my Dad. Truth be told, it's not really a fair assessment of any of them, since my biological father is such a little, tiny part of our lives. Fact is, most days, I don't even think about him. At least, I don't consciously make the effort to think about him; thinking about him right before I fall asleep at night or in the early morning when my dreams are just fading into wakefulness doesn't count.

My oldest brother is named Charles, but nobody ever calls him that, _ever_. I don't even think I can remember my mother calling him that and she has always called me by my full name whenever I'm in really deep trouble. Everybody calls my brother Charlie and everybody loves my brother. He's that cool older brother that everybody laments not to have and that those who _do_ _have_ idolize and adore. I suppose that I'm no different. Charlie has always been cool, handsome, and he has this quality of always being surprised to discover these things about him. It's as though he forgets that he's good-looking and is startled anew every time someone does something to remind him. Being that he's my brother, it took me years to figure out why Charlie always seemed to have girls flocking around him, even when he did absolutely nothing to encourage them, but after an especially enlightening conversation with one of his girlfriends, I started to see Charlie is a whole new, mildly disturbing, light.

Then there's my brother Sam. If Charlie is always surprised when a girl shows interest in him, Sam is the exact opposite. I took an honors biology course this past year and almost burst out laughing in the middle of class when our teacher began talking about the mating rituals of birds. Yes, that's right, birds. The moment a peacock flashed on the screen, I almost had to clap my hand over my own mouth to stop myself from shouting out "Sam!"

Because that's my brother. He went through the typical teenage years of awkward grotesqueness: pimples, cracking voice, body odor, and all. In fact, most of the family wondered if Sam had been kidnapped and replaced by some hideous mutant imposter that ate all of our food and flew into random rages at the drop of a hat. Then, by some miracle, he began to recover the summer before his senior year of high school and seemed to acquire the same good looks that our brother Charlie is blessed with. I think the difference between Charlie and Sam is that while Sam went through his _Teen Wolf_ stage, Charlie was pretty lucky and managed to skate through high school without more than some oily skin and a couple awkward growth spurts. When Sam realized that he was starting to look less like something out of a _Creature Feature_ movie and more like a member of the human race, he wasted no time in finding girls willing to date him. Unfortunately for me, some of those happened to be girls in my grade. There were times when I wanted to punch my preening brother in the face. There were times when I did.

David Michael is my younger brother. He just turned twelve a couple weeks ago and is beginning to dread having to start the seventh grade. I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because he's also beginning to enter that weird and horrible world of puberty. Just last week, Charlie and Sam exchanged a snicker when David Michael's voice cracked while they were watching a rerun of _Baywatch_ (though, what they see in that show, I couldn't honestly say). As of a month ago, David Michael declared war on my stepsister Karen, doing everything in his power to control possession of the upstairs bathroom that they share with me. I wouldn't normally mind the battles of the epic War of the Bathroom, but for the fact that they tended to wake me up and keep me up at all hours of the day and night.

Before Mom and Watson got married, Mom supported me and my brothers by working absolutely crazy hours and still never made quite enough money for the size of our family. We lived in a medium-sized house, except that with four kids, it was packed pretty tight. My older brothers shared a bedroom and while David Michael and I each had bedroom to ourselves, they were so small that I hardly remember being able to call them bedrooms. In fact, I'm almost certain that David Michael's bedroom wasn't really a bedroom at all, but a tiny storage room that Mom had converted into a nursery when she had discovered that she was pregnant for the fourth time. When I think back on how tiny our house was back then and how much our family has expanded since, the bathroom battles that my brother and stepsister wage every day seem even more ridiculous.

When my mother married Watson, I didn't just gain a stepfather and two stepsiblings. No, our entire lives changed that day. We moved across town into Watson's mansion (I forgot to mention that my stepfather is an honest-to-goodness millionaire, didn't I?), finally saw Mom relax about our financial problems, and began to find that the new couple weren't just interested in marital bliss; they had caught the baby bug and they had caught it _bad_.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, I should probably mention my stepsiblings, Karen and Andrew. They're Watson's kids from his first marriage. Except in looks, a brother and sister could honestly _not_ be more different if you tried to make them that way.

Karen is the older of the two and my eleven year old stepsister. She's blessed with her mother's pretty features and it's clear that she's going to be gorgeous when she grows up. Her straw blonde hair falls down past her shoulders, and recently has begun to curl at the ends, while her dark blue eyes are finally fully visible now that her parents have given her permission to wear contact lenses.

While her physical features have begun to develop more dramatically over the past couple of years, her personality has always been big. She's a lover of story-telling, especially when it comes to ghost stories, and still likes to try and terrify her friends with tales of the old ghost that supposedly haunts the third floor of our mansion home, Old Ben Brewer. She has also always been one of the most affectionate kids that I've known, sometimes crawling into bed with me during thunderstorms, pretending to be afraid, but just wanting an excuse to cuddle up and be read to. Lately, she's been less warm, but I chalk that up to the beginning of teenage hormones and whatever other pre-adolescent weirdness that she's going through.

I remember being _very_ aware of my body when I started to go through puberty and being embarrassed if I touched any part of my body against any male, even one of my brothers. In fact, when I was fourteen, a couple days after I started my first period, I brushed my fingers against Sam's as we were both reaching for a box of cereal for breakfast. I was so flustered, and immediately angry, that I grabbed the box, flung it at him, then stormed from the room, refusing to speak to anyone for days afterwards. Hopefully, since she doesn't share from the same genetic pool as I do, Karen won't be _quite_ as dramatic as I was.

Karen's little brother, Andrew, is nine years old and looks very similar to his sister, though he's very small for his age while Karen is in the middle of a growth spurt. Andrew has a mop of dirty-blonde curls that fall down the back of his neck and into his midnight blue eyes. Both his mother _and_ my mother always seem to be following him around with a pair of scissors, trying to convince him to let them try to cut it back, but wanting to keep his unruly curls is one of the few things that my stepbrother is stubborn about. My mother mentioned something once about a bad experience at a hairdresser's when Andrew was little, but it's become one of those memories that I'm not quite sure if I actually recall her telling me or if I've created the memory to make sense out of Andrew's hatred of having his hair cut.

While Karen is bold, dramatic, and sometimes a little overbearing, Andrew is timid and sometimes bordering on silent. He spends most of his time with his mother and stepfather, but I have to admit that even though I don't see him very often, he is easy to miss when he is here. With so many other kids running around, and so many other things happening all the time, Andrew tends to blend into the background. It's as if he takes things in and processes them, waiting for later when he can play out his stories with his action figures. It's one of the few things he does have in common with Karen, an insatiable imagination that needs only the little bit of information to feed it.

OK. Here's where it gets _really_ interesting.

When I was in the eighth grade, Mom and Watson decided to adopt another child, except they didn't see the need to tell any of kids waiting at home in advance. I suppose that they thought the whole surprise of it would make up for the fact that they were springing a totally new human being into our family. Admittedly, after the initial shock of meeting the little Vietnamese baby named Emily Michelle wore off, I was a little irritated. I love babies, don't get me wrong, but I would have liked to have been kept in the loop here. I know my older brothers felt the same way, but it wore off almost immediately as we got to know Emily Michelle better.

Though Emily Michelle was shy and timid at first, she gradually began to grow more and more boisterous as she grew older and more confident with the language (English not being her first language). It wasn't very surprising to anyone when Emily Michelle latched onto Karen and began to follow her around like a little puppy. Now that Emily Michelle is seven and a confident first grader, she shows a lot of interest in the things that I used to like as a little kid: hopscotch, jump rope, games of _Tag_ and _Hide and Seek_, as well as organizing the neighbor kids into little games of their own inventing.

Then, when Emily Michelle was five, Mom found herself pregnant for the fifth time. I had to admit, some of us kids had our reservations. I personally was terrified because I _knew_ Mom was way too old to being another baby. What if the baby developed some sort of horrible disease or something? Worse, what if Mom died as a result of trying to have this late-life child? Charlie, on the other hand, was more upset by the fact that Mom and Watson were having another kid when they already had so many to worry about. He would usually become angry when a bill would come in the mail for him and would start to complain about how he was going to afford to finish college when Mom and Watson kept adding more kids into the family.

Grace Marie came crashing into the world just two days before my sixteenth birthday and when Charlie set eyes on her, it was as if all of his doubts and worries about college, and money, and finding a job were forgotten. He'd drive around town with her strapped into her car seat and show her off almost as if she were his own daughter.

My little half-sister is only kid in our whole family who is a genuine ginger baby. She has the most blazingly orange-red hair that I have ever seen on anyone, child or adult. My mother is ridiculously proud of it, letting Grace's hair grow out so that her thick curls fall in a mane down her back. Grace's eyes, too, are different from either Mom or Watson. They're long and almond-shaped, almost like a cat's, and such a dark brown that they appear black when she's angry or upset. Karen, lover of all things supernatural, believes that Mom and Watson's real baby was stolen by fairies and that the baby we have now, Grace, is really a fairy-baby replacement. She's lost some interest in trying to convince the rest of the family that Grace is really otherworldly, but every so often she'll appear at someone's side with one of her books on the subject, citing facts that _prove_ that she is right.

I thought things would settle down after Grace was born. Mom decided to stay home from work for a year to help Nannie take care of the younger kids, Watson took some time off, and everyone just seemed to try to settle into the routine of having a new baby in the house. After a couple of months, things looked like they were getting as much back to normal as things could in our crazy family. Of course, it was right about that time that my mother happened to come across an advertisement for foster parents.

At first, she and Watson didn't say anything to us. The whole family was in the dark, again, until about a year and a half ago, when they brought home Benny Jacobs, a nine year old boy who had been bounced from home to home since he was four. Mom and Watson never really told us exactly why Benny was in the foster care system and I supposed none of us really had the nerve to ask. As far as any of us knew, kids in the foster care system were there for one, or more, of three reasons: they had awful parents, they had no parents, or they were awful kids. Charlie, Sam, and I were old enough to sense that Benny was a decent kid, if shy and not very open, so I guess we made it clear enough to the younger kids to stay off his back. In my mind, I always figure that Benny will tell us when he is ready.

It was hard at first to get him to mesh with the rest of the family. He flinched at loud noises, of which there was no lack of in our home, and tended to shy away from physical contact. Still, he seemed to enjoy spending time with David Michael and quickly developed a strong affection for my grandmother as well. Mom and Watson have been working on the adoption process recently so that Benny won't ever have to worry about moving into another home, with another family, and having to wonder what that new place will be like.

Sometimes, it's hard to imagine how Mom and Watson get up all the energy that they do to have so many kids. Don't get me wrong, I thrive on the energy that bursts at every possible seam of this mansion, but I don't know how people at their age can still manage it.

Oh, right. Back to the current scene.

And, _play_.

"_Shannon!_ Get off Kristy!"

Oh, _by the way_, my name is Kristy. That's short for Kristen Amanda Thomas, but nobody _ever_ calls me that unless I'm in _big_ trouble, and then it's usually only my mother who gets away with calling me that.

"Benny, I thought I asked you to take Shannon downstairs," I heard Watson call as over one hundred pounds of happy wiggling dog crawled on me. I tried to shove her off and got a lick in the eye for my efforts.

"Well, I was _going_ to, but then she saw that Kristy left her door open and I couldn't hold onto to her," Benny explained. I would've rolled my eyes if I wasn't being licked frantically, as though Shannon the dog and I hadn't seen one another in years instead of just a couple of hours.

"Oof!"

Watson hauled our Bernese mountain dog off me and gave her a swat on the behind to get her moving towards the door. Shannon crouched down like she was getting ready to play as Benny clicked his tongue and shook the leash he was holding in his hand. Our dog glanced between the two of them with a look so full of comic longing and confusion that a chuckle bubbled up out of my throat. She shot a look towards me as if to say that she would happily go back to washing my face awake again, but Benny shook the leash again with a call of "walk, Shannon?" Shannon bolted out the door without a backward glance and Benny took off after her. Watson shook his head and sighed before smiling cheerfully at me.

"Good morning, sunshine."

"What time is it?" I croaked, trying to wipe some of the dog slobber off my face with the corner of my sheet. "Is the sun even up yet?"

"It's nine o'clock," Watson replied, crossing over to one of the windows in my bedroom. With another grin, he flung open the blue and purple checkered curtains, letting in a flood of golden sunlight. I hissed like a vampire and flung my blankets up over my head. "_They_ let you sleep in."

"How thoughtful of _them_," I groaned as I heard Watson turn and leave the room. As he closed the door behind him, I could already hear him yelling at David Michael and Karen to act like civilized human beings. I don't know why he even bothered.

Now that I was actually awake, I climbed out of bed and walked over to my dresser. I would've just liked to toss on a pair of denim shorts and a tank top like usual, but with the day's events I knew I ought to put on something a little nicer.

My friends and I were planning on having a day of nothing but pampering. Stacey, someone who I had known for a long time, had been obsessing over the stress that college undoubtedly would bring (can you believe I am friends with someone who would find a way to _stress_ over _stress?_) and had decided that the cure to the pre-college jitters was being treated like a princess. I wasn't looking forward to a mud mask (if I wanted to slap mud on my face, I would just go outside and play with the little kids), but I had decided not to argue and to take things in stride today.

I selected a pair of khaki capris and a navy blue polo shirt. I slid on a pair of flip flops that looked like straw woven together. To top everything off, I used an actual hair tie instead of a rubber band to tie my hair back in a high ponytail. It was extremely preppy, or at least what I supposed preppy looked like, and not something I would usually wear, but at least it was comfortable.

Flinging my bedroom door open, I found Grace sitting across the hallway, happily coloring on the new paint job my mom had just finished a few days ago.

"Gracie!" I moaned and she turned around.

"I make boat!" she reported, sounding so proud of her achievement that I couldn't bring myself to yell at her. Instead, I scooped her up in my arms and swung her around in a tight circle. She let out a burp that clearly meant one more turn and I'd have to change my clothes on account of toddler vomit. I quickly settled her on my hip and snatched a robin's egg blue crayon from her pudgy fist.

"You have coloring books, you know."

"No boats. I want to make _boat_," she explained slowly. I knew my sister considered most of us to be complete idiots, evident by the way she always explained herself with slow, deliberate speech. I nodded.

"Let's go find Nannie?" I asked, trying to distract her. I didn't especially feel like having to re-explain to her why she wasn't allowed to color on the walls, so I was relieved when Grace smiled with a nod of her own.

Oh, by the way, my house doesn't just consist of my parents and my brood of brothers and sisters. My grandmother, Nannie, also lives with us. Did I forget to mention that? She first came to live with us when my parents adopted Emily Michelle, but decided to stay, _especially_ after Mom became pregnant with Grace.

"Nannie!"

"I'm in the kitchen, Kristy!"

I trotted into the kitchen, bouncing a giggling Grace on my hip as I went. She likes to play horsy and with so many older brothers and sisters, she has plenty of opportunities. I slid her off my hip and held her out to Nannie, who had her hair pulled back from her face with a kerchief. She set down a sponge before reaching out to take Gracie.

"Mom has to repaint the wall outside my door. Picasso has struck again."

"Oh dear," Nannie said, setting Grace down on the middle island in our kitchen. Grace shrugged nonchalantly and began kicking her bare feet. "Why don't you stay here and help me clean the kitchen?"

I started to leave as Nannie began to explain to Grace how to rub the sponge on the counter to pick up dirt the best when I was accosted by Charlie. I nearly fell on the damp floor as my older brother plowed into me, his arms full of boxes. Charlie let out an annoyed grunt as the boxes clattered onto the floor.

"_Charlie!_"

"Kristy, watch where you're going!" he snapped.

"What's up with the boxes?"

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck, shooting a glance in my direction. "I'm _trying_ to pack."

"You're moving out?" Nannie and I asked at the same time. Grace pitched the sopping sponge at my brother and left a sudsy streak on his jeans. Charlie gave us one of those smiles where all he really does is make his lips thin. It reminds me a lot of Dad when he does that.

"You're expecting me to stay here?"

"_Boats!_" Grace shrilled loudly, smashing the sponge down onto the wet kitchen counter the moment Charlie handed it back to her. She began to chant the word in rhythm to her smashes. Charlie brushed a streak of suds from the lower leg of his jeans and rolled his eyes. I grinned at him and gave him a small shove.

"Only _forever_," I replied, dodging around him as he reached out to punch my shoulder. I let out a yelp as I felt the sponge hit the back of my head. "_Gross!_"

"_Kristy!_ Come up here and get Karen out of the bathroom! I'm already late for work!"

Brushing the greasy suds out of my hair, I sighed. I was going to be late to "Stacey's Day of Pampering," but I didn't really mind. As insanely crazy as my household was, I knew I was going to miss it. I wanted to make the most of every moment I had until I was shipped off to college.

"Karen!" I yelled as I walked upstairs. "If you let David Michael in, I'll buy you a new bottle of nail polish!"

The door cracked open slightly and I could tell that Karen had her foot braced against it to keep David Michael from shoving it open any further. She gave me a suspicious look.

"Seriously?" she asked.

I shrugged then held out my hands, palms up. "Sure, why not."

She looked me up and down. "Three bottles," she countered.

David Michael let out a squawk of indignant outrage.

"_One_ bottle, Karen," I said firmly. "And, if you don't open the door right now, I will begin a full-on siege with you myself and you _so_ know you don't want me as your enemy in this war."

"OK, fine!" she snapped, eyes darting between me and my brother. The door shut and for a moment, I wondered if she had simply retreated back into the bathroom. Then I heard the clatter of bottles and containers being moved around. "Deal!"

The moment the door opened, David Michael shoved Karen out of his way and slammed the door behind her. Guiding a whining Karen back to her room, while debating with her about which shade of polish to buy, I realized that there wasn't anywhere else I would rather be.

I sure hoped this college thing wasn't going to be as awful as I worried it might be.


	2. Party Prep

**Chapter 2: Party Prep**

**Stacey**

_August 14_

_2 more weeks left before ABSOLUTE FREEDOM!_

_Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but it's going to be so nice not to have to answer to her constantly. I'll be able to do whatever I feel like doing __**wheneve**__**r **I want to do it. Of course, I have to be careful to take care of myself, but otherwise, it's going to be whatever happens will happen. No more planning, no more doing things that I don't want to do._

_Can you tell that I'm excited about college?_

"_Mooom_!"

"Stacey, what is it?"

"Is anyone here yet?"

"No, I would've told you if anyone was here!"

"Well, what time is it?"

"You still have another half hour. Calm down."

Easy for her to say. I hadn't spent much time with my old friends lately. Actually, I don't think we've actually spent time together as a whole group in years. Not since maybe the ninth grade. Everyone just drifted their own separate ways. Claudia and I don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to. We used to be best friends and now… we're not. It was weird inviting the old gang over to my house for a day of pampering, but it wasn't like I could go back on my offer. They'd be here any minute.

"What time is it?" I called downstairs again. I heard my mother sigh.

"It's 2:30."

"Thanks!"

I scurried into the bathroom. I haven't really spent much time with any of the girls except for Mary Anne and I wanted to look my best. We always smile and say hello in the hallways, but it's not really the same anymore. I'm just glad that none of us really stopped spending time together because we had fights or something.

"Mom!"

"Stacey! What now?"

"Did my hair look all right this morning?" I called. I could hear her sigh loudly.

"Why? Does it look bad now?"

I looked into the mirror, momentarily horrified and convincing myself that I looked awful. "Mom!"

I waited until I could hear her right outside the bathroom door before flinging it open. She stood with her hands on her hips and a long suffering look on her face. I used to spend a lot of time with kids in middle school and at the beginning of high school, but now I am starting to wonder why anyone would ever want children. My mother's face was an indication of some serious rethinking about having kids at the moment. I ignored her pained look and whipped around to the mirror.

"Do you think my highlights are too light?"

"Honey, they're fine. You liked them yesterday."

I combed my fingers through my hair. "Yeah, but it looks different in the bathroom lighting."

"It'll look different in every single light," she argued. I shook my head.

"_Good_ different, though?" I looked at her. "Do we have time to stop at the hair palor?"

"Stacey! You're friends are going to be _here_ in a half hour!"

"Oh, right." I blew a lock of honey blonde hair out of my face. "Well, what about this outfit?"

I had chosen to wear a teal and brown patterned skirt with lacy brown tights underneath and a tiny cut white t-shirt. I had slung a brown belt around my waist so that it hung lower on one side than the other. I couldn't decide what to do with my hair, though. Should I go with another sash? I had worn my hair tied up in sashes the past three days. Maybe it was starting to look bad.

"I think it's cute."

"Cute as in you'd wear it or cute as in I'd wear it?" My mother doesn't have bad fashion sense, but honestly. Who trusts a woman in her 40s to give fashion advice to an almost college woman? Mom looked more annoyed than usual, but I couldn't take it back.

"Stacey, I'm going to go downstairs now to help set up for your party." She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close so that she could kiss my cheek. I wanted to look in the mirror to make sure she hadn't smudged my makeup, but I resisted the urge. "When you are little saner, I would love to have you help me."

"Did you buy vegetarian food, too?" I asked as she started to head down the stairs. She sighed once more, but didn't answer me. I went back to staring hard at myself in the mirror.

OK, so maybe I ought to explain. I'm not a brat. Not really. It's just that I was raised in New York City and have been exposed to the coolest, sleekest fashions since I was an infant. I couldn't_ not_ care about what I wore. I always wanted to look my best because when I looked great, I felt great. And, besides, I'm a good looking person. I hate to see pretty people dressing badly. It's almost an affront to the gods of fashion.

I'm also not totally stupid, either. I know that whenever I get going on fashion and looking good, I start to sound like a complete moron. Rest assured, though, I'm not. I'm actually really good at math and English. Not to brag, but I was carrying a pretty hefty scholarship at Yale. I was planning on majoring in business (fashion business maybe?) and making some serious money. I've never really wanted for anything, but the idea of being totally loaded just for doing what I loved is completely tempting.

I finished applying the last of my makeup and finally decided to go ahead and tie my hair up with the sash. It was a good look. Kind of funky, kind of sleek, but nothing Stoneybrook couldn't handle. I smiled at myself and leaned in to make sure there wasn't spinach stuck in my teeth (which I had spent 20 minutes brushing and flossing this morning, just to make sure) before running down the stairs. I found Mom arranging a vegetable platter at the kitchen table. I sat down next to her.

"Did you get everything I asked for?" I asked, grabbing a carrot off the tray. Mom eyed me warily.

"I got the veggie platter, a cheese and pepperoni one, and a fruit salad."

"Mom, what about-"

"Drinks? There's regular cola, Mountain Dew, spring water, and lemonade." I grinned. "There are chips in the pantry and two kinds of dip in the fridge. And, there are some brownies and cookies in the pantry, too. Do you want to help setting everything out?"

"All right," I agreed, grabbing a second carrot.

"Careful, Stacey."

I wanted to moan in disgust. I have diabetes and have had it for years now, but my parents still worried like I was going to die. I sincerely doubted a couple baby carrots were going to do me in, but I decided to save the arguing for another time. I didn't want to get all upset right before my friends got here. I took the chips out of the pantry.

"What kinds of dip did you get?"

"French onion and this cheese dip I saw at the store." I wrinkled my nose as I pulled it out of the fridge. Mom laughed. "They had free samples and it wasn't bad. I actually kind of liked it."

"Well, you can eat it because it's funky looking." I held it up to the light. "Are you sure it isn't bad or something? What are those green things in it?"

"Those are what people call chives, Stacey," Mom said with a laugh. She grabbed it from me as I brought the chips and dips back to the table. "Sometimes, people experiment with different foods."

"I'll pass, thanks."

_Ding-dong._

I gasped. "Oh my _God_! They're here _already_? What time is it?"

"Quarter to three, honey," Mom said. "They're only a little early."

"Doesn't _anyone_ pay attention to time anymore?" I groaned, running to the door. I stopped to check my face and hair in the mirror in the front hallway before opening the door. I almost sighed in relief.

"Mary Anne."

Mary Anne Spier smiled at me, holding out a covered dishpan. "Am I too early? I thought you might like some help."

I took the dishpan from her. "That would be wonderful. Do you mind helping me set up the 'beauty salon' in the basement? I haven't even started on that yet."

"That's because she's been obsessing over her hair for the past hour," Mom called from the kitchen.

"Mom!"

"Hello, Mrs. McGill!" Mary Anne called back.

Mom came into the front hallway, taking the dish from me. "Hi, sweetie. What's this?"

Mary Anne looked nervous. "Some kind of tofu dish. Sharon made it last night before Dawn got in. It's kind of interesting, so there are leftovers." She shrugged helplessly. "I didn't want to bring it, but Sharon insisted."

"We'll set it out," Mom said, peeking under the foil. "Are you girls going to set up downstairs?"

"Just about to," I said, grabbing Mary Anne's wrist. "Come on."

We hurried into the basement and looked around. I had cleaned things up yesterday and ran a vacuum through it. Our basement's finished, but we don't use it too much. It's just Mom and I, so we really don't need the extra space, except for storage. I motioned towards the minifridge we keep down there.

"You want to get the stuff out of the fridge?"

"Not seaweed wraps again," Mary Anne groaned. I shook my head.

"Cucumbers!"

"You know, people don't normally stick their food all over their faces. They eat it."

"You'll thank me when you have flawless skin and perfect hair."

"I'm sure I will."

Mary Anne and I had never really been close until a couple years ago. Sure, we were in the Babysitter's Club together when we were in middle school, but we hadn't ever been super close. It wasn't until Mary Anne suddenly got sick of being so meek and timid. One day during junior year, she was suddenly joking around with the boys in the crowd I spend time with now and she was popular. People absolutely adored her and our friend Mindy insists that Mary Anne's twin must've switched places with her, she's so different from how she was the first 16 years of her life.

Mary Anne had started dressing better, too, in the last two years. She had never dressed badly, but now she was actually someone to pay attention to. Instead of the cute, but bland clothes she normally wore, she was wearing some pretty hot and, frankly, sexy outfits. She never wears anything trashy, but she seems to just know what looks good on her and always looks great now.

For instance, today. She was wearing a bright kelly green sundress with white heels that had splashes of green on them like she had spilled paint on her shoes. Her hair, which she had grown out since middle school, was curly today and fell about halfway down her back in perfect waves that even made me jealous. She had a silver necklace on and a few bangle bracelets. She liked to wear vintage 80s clothes once in a while and it actually looked good on her. I've tried it and I always feel too nerdy to wear anything for too long. Mary Anne loves it and her confidence lets her pull it off.

She started to pull the secondhand couch Mom and I had found at a garage sale closer to the table I had set up. I helped her drag it.

"Who all did you invite slash who's coming?"

I love Mary Anne. She's the only person I know who actually says things like "slash" and "LOL" in her sentences.

"I invited you-"

"Obviously."

"Kristy, Claudia, Abby, Dawn, Mallory, Shannon, Jessi, Logan-"

"Logan Bruno?" she asked. They had dated in middle school. Talk about awkward young love.

"Well, he was a BSC member."

"OK, OK." She shrugged as she pounded the pillows on the couch to give them some more shape. It didn't work. "Well, he's friends with Kristy, so it shouldn't be awkward. Anyone else?"

"I invited Alan Gray."

"What!" she shrieked with laughter.

"Dawn's going to be here and he is still pining for her."

Mary Anne rolled her eyes. "You're a bad person. Not even deep down. Right on the surface level. You know that, right?"

"Dawn needs a boyfriend," I explained. "Otherwise, people are still going to think she's a big lesbian."

"Dawn's not a lesbian!"

"I know that, but does everyone _else_ know that?"

"Sometimes, I think you worry too much about what other people think."

I started tossing bean bag chairs and pillows over towards the couch. Mary Anne caught a few, then just let the rest fall.

"I've got to worry. It's what businesswomen do."

"You're not one yet."

"So I'm practicing. Sue me."

"Maybe I will."

Mary Ann is going into pre-law. I keep forgetting until she says things like that.

"How _is_ Dawn, anyways?"

"You could ask her yourself," said a voice at the foot of the stairs.

"Dawn!" I shrieked. So maybe I hadn't talked to the rest of the girls much since middle school, but it was next to impossible to avoid Dawn, especially since she's Mary Anne's stepsister. I grabbed in a big bear hug which Dawn finds hilarious, especially since I never bear hug anyone but her.

"Hey, chica," she said, pulling back from me to examine my hair. "I like the highlights. Very chic."

"I try to look good," I replied airily, tossing my hair back. "Do you think it works?"

"Yeah, but maybe we should do something about the swelling in your head."

I smacked her. "You're a beast."

"I try." She tossed her bag down next to the staircase and looked around. "I'm the first one here?"

"Except Mary Anne."

"Oh, yeah. Mom left about 5 minutes after you and Richard did."

Mary Anne shook her head. "I thought she was running really far behind."

"Nope. She found her shoe in the freezer."

Dawn's mother is a little scatterbrained, to say the least.

"I wondered what that was doing in there," Mary Anne replied, shaking her head again. "I thought it was some new recipe you were trying. Tofu a la shoe."

"Careful, or I'll put one of your shoes in there next time," Dawn threatened.

So, you already know that Dawn is Mary Anne's stepsister. It's a long, complicated story of true love on the Romeo and Juliet scale, but basically Dawn's mom and Mary Anne's dad got married in the 8th grade and after a lot of homesickness, Dawn decided to move back to California. She's been there all of high school (except for three months in our sophomore year when she had a huge blowout with her dad) and flies across the country every summer to spend it with her mom. Dawn is also what I would like to refer to as hippie chic.

Today, it wasn't too bad. Dawn was wearing a pair of denim cut-offs (which alone is a major fashion error, but for hippie chic, I'll let it slide), brown and blue layered tank tops, bright green hightops with what looked like white knee socks poking out the top, and a massive gauzy blue sash tied around her waist. Her white blonde hair (which reaches her waist) was pulled into a sloppy pony tail which she held in place with a black barrette. Plus, she was sporting an _amazing_ tan. California is the place to go to look totally tanned and fabulous.

"When is everyone else supposed to get here?" Dawn asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked over at the clock.

"Any minute now, actually." I glanced at Mary Anne. "Do you think we should bring the food down here or leave it upstairs?"

Mary Anne shrugged. "Let's leave it upstairs. The starving hordes, and by hordes I mean Kristy, will make a beeline for it anyways, so why bother? We can bring it downstairs with us later if we want."

"Isn't she brilliant?" Dawn said, pretending to be overcome with pride. Mary Anne blushed. Some things never change.

"Stacey! Some of the other girls are here!"

I looked at Dawn, then back at Mary Anne. "Let's do this."


	3. Of Lame Parties and Falling Outs

**Chapter 3: Of Lame Parties and Falling Outs**

**Abby**

_August 21_

_I only went to Stacey's party because she said that it was a one time only thing. Don't get me wrong- there are members of the BSC that I still talk to and actually get along with. Mary Anne is pretty decent and I like Claudia a lot. Shannon isn't too bad, but she's way too ambitious for me to be close friends with. Mostly, though, I've been doing my own thing since middle school. I have different friends and practically a different life._

_Now, when I say agree, I mean Anna almost had to tie me up in the trunk and drag me over there. Girl stuff? For several hours straight? With no intermission? Well, that's definitely something I could've done without…_

"So… Logan… what have you been up to lately?"

I turned to look at Logan as I chomped thoughtfully on a carrot. Mary Anne and Logan hadn't spoken much since they broke up in the eighth grade. That's a long time not talking to someone. Especially when you are someone like me who seems to be medically unable to shut up. I sometimes wonder if I had an off/on switch as a baby and someone busted it so that it is now permanently stuck on the on setting. Of course, I can never say that out loud because then I'd be confirming Anna's suspicion that I am, in fact, a mutant alien robot come to Earth with the sole mission of driving her insane. She's only partially correct on that fine personality analysis.

Anyways, Mary Anne and Logan. Let's go back to Awkward City, USA.

"You know," Logan replied. He was fumbling around with a baseball that he had brought with him. Now, even I know not to bring your own entertainment to parties. As lame as Stacey's party was shaping up to be, I knew better than to try to incorporate sports into it. Stacey's head might have exploded. "School. Rugby."

Mary Anne nodded. "You play rugby now?"

"Only once in a while."

I turned back to Mary Anne, who was clearly struggling to make small talk. She looked like she was in pain. "How's your family?"

"Good."

"That's good."

_Dear God, please save me._

I decided to focus in on Alan and Dawn. Alan was doing most of the talking and Dawn was doing most of the staring off into space like that would get her out of here sooner. I could've told her that wasn't going to work. I could see Stacey mixing something out of the corner of my eye and shuddered. Some kind of scary paste to slap on our faces, no doubt.

"So, I saw this movie the other day and the girl in it reminded me of you, Dawn," Alan gushed. I was surprised he hadn't started stammering. "I mean, not that she was as pretty as you are, but she had blonde hair. Um, you look really tan. Have you been tanning lately?"

"Um?" Dawn snapped out of her semi-comatose state to lock eyes with Alan. I could practically hear his heart skip a beat. "I'm sorry."

"I was just saying how hot- I mean, pretty you are. Must be all the ocean water, huh?"

"Must be," she said with an almost realistic laugh. Her eyes were screaming "kill me now!"

I redirected my attention again, this time focusing in on a conversation Kristy, Claudia, and Stacey were having.

"No," Stacey said. "You can't just walk up to college guys and say who you are. You have to be more… sophisticated about it."

Kristy shrugged. "I don't think they'll care. I mean, come on. They're college guys. Aren't they looking to nail just about anything that walks?"

"That's not the _point_," Stacey moaned. "You don't want to meet just _any_ guy."

"That might not be so bad," Claudia said thoughtfully. "I could really use a boyfriend."

"Not me," Kristy said. "I just want some guy friends so that I don't have to spend a lot of time with college girls?"

"What's wrong with college girls?" Stacey asked.

"High school, only older and they _all_ have credit cards and cars now."

"That'd be nice," Claudia laughed.

And, now, there was Shannon, sitting with Mallory. Both of them seemed awkwardly uncomfortable with one another, so I didn't even bother to eavesdrop into that conversation. It would just be a repeat of all the other ones I'd been listening to. I cleared my throat.

"So, Stacey, when does the pampering begin?"

Stacey looked at me in surprise. Whether she figured I wasn't going to let her touch me with anything that looked like green vomit or if she had forgotten that I was sitting there, I couldn't tell for sure.

"Oh, um, we can start now. What does everyone else say?"

"Yes, good!" Dawn said quickly. Alan looked a little taken aback, but nodded in agreement, too.

"All right. Well, who wants to help pass out the garbage bags?"

"Oh, no…"

"To keep your clothes clean," she said, her voice getting a little higher. I raised my hand to offer my wonderful aid and assistance and she quickly thrust the box into my hands. "Just rip a hole in the top and stick your head through it."

OK. I have now just realized that you have absolutely no idea who I am. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? I haven't even begun to talk about myself yet and I have yammered on about Stacey's Party of Lame for_ minutes_ now.

So, let's see. I'm Abby. I have a mom and a twin sister (named Anna, creative on my parent's part, right?). My dad died when I was nine. It's just been the three of us since then. Mom really hasn't shown any interest in remarrying, which I think is a good thing because, hey, I don't want any stepsiblings. Kristy might love having little kids pouring out her ears, but I like peace and quiet. Well, at home anyways. I love kids and babysit all the time, but once I'm at home, I crash.

I'm also an asthmatic and allergic to everything under the sun. Yes, even to your mother. And, apparently, I make awful mom jokes. All the time. I actually told a mom joke to my math teacher and had to spend a half hour explaining the fine subtleties of a finely crafted mom joke to the vice principal. Some people have no sense of humor whatsoever.

"Here," I told Logan, shoving the black Hefty bag at him. He took it with a look of disgust. Alan actually cringed when I handed him the bag. Dawn saw that and looked a little bit happier. I swear, what some girls will do to make their long term stalkers suffer.

"Here ya go," I said to Kristy, who looked just as uneasy as the boys did. She took the bag with an awkward laugh and looked around.

"So, where's Jessi?"

"Oh, she's still at the dance studio," Mallory replied confidently. The day those two got cell phones, their inseparability become official. They're always checking up on each other and using the phones to "stalk" one another. It's so weird. Even a talkaholic like me couldn't do that.

"Did she remember what time the party started?" Stacey asked, just a little too casually. God, she was getting stressed out. It would be funny, except for the nuclear fallout that would occur if it got too bad. I smiled at her helpfully and set the empty garbage bag box on the table next to her.

"Yeah," Mallory replied. "She had to stay longer because she's got a dance in a couple weeks. Kind of an introductory performance for potential new students."

"Oh," Stacey said, mollified. "Well, that's all right."

Mallory looked a little miffed by Stacey's pardoning Jessi's absence, but didn't say anything. I could tell that the boys were starting to feel especially uneasy.

"Let's do this thing," I said, tugging the bag over my head. I figured the others were doing the same, judging by the sounds of crinkling garbage bags. When my head popped out, I could see that the rest of the kids had either pulled the bags over their heads or were still struggling a little. Alan must've been insanely nervous because he was shaking so much that Logan had to help him out of the bag. I could by the look Dawn was giving him that she had hoped he would've remained in the bag. I almost laughed.

Stacey held up a bowl that was burnt orange and clearly a relic from the 70s. I swallowed as she began to stir it up a little more.

"OK, so we're going to apply a small layer over our T-zones-"

"We're having steak?" Alan asked. Stacey gave him a murderous look.

"To help dry up oils and exfoliate the area." She passed the bowl to Claudia, who nudged at it with one finger. "Go ahead, Claud."

"Yeah…"

Claudia spread the green gook onto her face with her fingers. I heard Alan and Logan sigh in what sounded like relief. Perhaps they were relieved that Claudia wasn't dead. She passed the bowl onto Mallory, who began to smudge it onto her face.

When the bowl got to me, I stared down into it with distrust.

"Hurry up, Abby," Stacey urged. I nodded slowly.

"It's like the Blob. You know, that old movie from the 50s?"

"Abby," Mary Anne said, her voice a clear warning to shut up. I could tell that Stacey was becoming upset again. What had gotten into her?

"Here goes nothing." I smeared it onto my face, fully expecting for it to begin eating my skin. When it just stuck there, kind of cold and slimy, I shrugged. "This really works?"

"It really does," Stacey said, clearly relieved that I had applied the masque. I handed the bowl to Logan. He gave me a thin smile. I smiled warmly back at him.

In a few minutes, everyone was green goo-ified and sitting uneasily in silence.

"This is so weird," Alan murmured.

"You don't have to stay," Dawn replied, too quickly. Alan looked hurt and she cleared her throat. "I mean, it's girly and kind of weird. Even for you, Alan."

I could tell she was making an effort to be nice and mentally applauded her. Alan looked appeased and sunk back down next to Logan. The boys, I noticed, were careful to keep a bit of space between them. Oh, the wonder of high school boys constantly proclaiming their heterosexuality. Life wouldn't be quite so fun without the boys always shrieking "I'm not gay!"

"I have hair products, too!" Stacey said happily. Everyone except Mary Anne and Claudia looked uncertain. "They're designed to condition deeply and ease _any_ frizzy-ness out of your hair." She sounded like the lady that my mom buys Avon products from.

"Pass it over here," Mary Anne volunteered. She began to smooth it into her long, already silky hair. How she had ever managed such a gorgeous head of hair was completely beyond me. Mary Anne had always been pretty, but she was totally "hot" now.

After everyone was dripping hair gel and waiting for their masques to dry, Stacey turned on a "relaxing sounds of the forest" CD. Everyone leaned back into their chairs, closed their eyes, and pretended they were being pampered. I could hardly keep from giggling a few times. My mom had played a similar CD for me a few months ago where, instead of the continuing sounds of chirping birds and trickling creeks, a team of men came to cut down trees and a bear ate them. It's hard to explain, but it was hilarious.

I leaned back. I was looking forward to leaving home for college. I wasn't too eager to get away like a lot of my other friends. Mom had always been pretty reasonable and kept a very loose leash on Anna and I. I've never felt smothered or hindered in any way, but it would be nice to get out of Stoneybrook and make some new friends. I loved meeting new people.

I breathed in deeply. My face was starting to feel tight but after Mallory complained about that, I knew it was because the masque was drying. It was prickly and weird, but I let it slide. Probably the price one pays for beauty.

Anna was going to school for her violin. She was going to be a violin performance major in a major music school in upstate New York. For the life of me, I could never remember it's name. Mom is constantly yelling at me for forgetting things like that and forgetting to pick up milk and bread from the grocery store by the school. What could I say? I'm an important and busy person and things like that are bound to slip my mind.

And, now the masque was actually starting to burn. I tried to relax and breathe deeply, but I realized that I couldn't get a deep enough breath in. I sat up straight, suddenly finding myself gasping for air. I could feel Logan's hand on my arm.

"Abby, are you all right?"

The rest of the group sat up, looking worried and concerned. To my horror, my eyes were starting to swell shut. I began to flap my hands in terror.

"I'm allergic!" I gasped and immediately felt more hands on me, trying to support me. I started to slap at them to back off. "Get this off me!"

Stacey was up in a flash, running upstairs to get a clean towel and a basin of water. I could hear her screaming for her mother to call an ambulance.

"Abby, take a deep breath," Mary Anne, squatting down in front of me. I gasped.

"It _hurts_!" I hissed. My eyes slid shut. "Where's my inhaler?"

"Abby, open your eyes and look at me," I heard Mary Anne command and couldn't help but obey. "You keep your eyes open and you look at me. _Don't_ close your eyes. _Don't_ fall asleep. Do you understand?"

"Here's the inhaler," Kristy told her, handing the little vial towards Mary Anne. I felt it pushed up against my lips and heard Mary Anne count to three. As she said three, she pressed down on the vial with the medicine in it and a burst of disgusting tasting mist rushed into my mouth. Instinctively, I inhaled it. Mary Anne pulled it back.

"One more, Abby. Just wait a moment."

I had forgotten that Mary Anne was an expert on asthma at this point. What with me and a few kids I knew she babysat for, she ought to be. She slide the inhaler between my lips again.

"Breathe in."

By that point, Stacey was back downstairs. She began to scrub at my face with a sopping wet towel. I coughed as some of the water went up my nose and she began to wring it out in a basin she had brought downstairs. As she sopped the masque off my face, I heard Mallory flip open her cell phone.

"Where can I get to your mom, Abby?"

"555-9848."

"Abby, focus over here now," Mary Anne directed. I looked over at her, feeling dizzy and sleepy from trying to gasp in air. My muscles were beginning to tremble from the immediate effects of the steroids in the inhaler. "How are you doing?"

"I'm going to be sick, I think."

"Abby, honey, an ambulance is on the way. Do you think you can walk upstairs or do you want to wait until they get here?"

I shrugged. My brain was swirling. My face was hot and tight and I could barely see anymore. I was still gasping for air.

"Where's my _mom_?"

"We can carry her upstairs."

I started to stand and felt my knees give out from under. I expected to hit the floor, but strong hands were supporting me. I heard Logan instruct Alan to help him and another set of hands supported my other side. I fell back against their hands and was suddenly upstairs.

"Abby! _Open your eyes_!"

I struggled to do so.

"It's Mary Anne, Abby. The paramedics are here. What are you allergic to?"

"Everything," I whispered. I coughed harshly again. "Where's my mom?"

"She's meeting us at the hospital, Abby," Mary Anne replied. "I'm going to go in the ambulance with you, OK?"

"OK, but _make sure_ my mom knows where we're going."

"This was a bad idea," I heard somebody mutter. A friendly voice hovered above me.

"Hi, Abby, I'm Paul. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"You're the paramedic!" I gasped. A rookie? _Help me, God_!

He laughed. "I know, but I want to keep you awake and with us. Where do you live, Abby?"

I tried to answer his question. Honestly. I started to gear up to tell him my street address, zip code, everything. But the world was growing splotchy and dark again. After struggling to stay awake for a minute, I finally sagged weakly against the stretcher.

**3**

"So, cucumber masques are your newest allergy," Anna noted professionally. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"I could've died and you honestly don't care."

"Don't be silly. Of course I care if you die."

I smiled. "Yeah?"

"Duh. Because I'd get all your stuff and your room."

I groaned. "You're a _horrible_ twin."

She kissed my cheek sloppily and I groaned. "You love it."

"Abby?"

"Mary Anne!" I sat up straighter in my bed and Anna smiled at the new member of the hospital room. I waved her in.

"How are you _doing_? The nurse said you were doing pretty well."

"Oh, yeah," I replied enthusiastically. "They just have to pump IV drugs into me for a while so that I can recover from my near death experience."

Mary Anne shivered. "Don't joke about it. They had to put a _tube_ down your _throat_, you know."

I rubbed my neck. It was still a little sore. "Well, it's out now and I can breathe just fine again." I shrugged. "Did I ruin the party?"

"You certainly put a damper on it." Mary Anne shrugged and sat down in the chair next to my bed. "Kristy left as soon as the ambulance was gone."

"Why?"

"She thought it was all Stacey's fault."

"What?" Kristy could be hot-headed, but she wasn't a conspiracy theorist. Mary Anne nodded.

"She said Stacey should've known that you would be allergic to that masque."

"I didn't even know," I said with an uncomfortable laugh. Anna looked uneasy.

"I know, but Kristy wouldn't hear anything else. She and Stacey started fighting and Kristy left before it could get too out of control. Of course, Mallory thought Kristy was right-"

"What do you mean, of course?" Anna asked. "I didn't know that Kristy and Mallory were all that close?"

Mary Anne shrugged. "Well, Mallory said that anyone would've figured it out since you're allergic to a lot of things similar to those in the masque."

"I guess…"

"Anyways," Mary Anne continued, "Kristy and Mallory left and I don't think Stacey is on speaking terms with them."

"Oh, my _God_," I moaned and rolled so that my face was smushed in the pillows. "Are you kidding?"

"I wish."

"What about everyone else?"

"Well, when Mal left, Logan and Alan took it as an excuse to run out. _Literally_. I don't think I've ever seen Logan move that fast before and he's an athlete." I laughed into my pillow and Mary Anne let out a small laugh herself. "Everyone else got out of there pretty fast. Stacey started crying and went upstairs and nobody wanted to stick around. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to hear anything I said." Mary Anne sighed sadly. "I'm going to try call her later tonight."

"This is horrible," I said, rolling back over. "All this over a masque?"

"All this over a masque."

"_Girls_," Anna said scornfully, trying to lighten the mood in the room, but failing. I shook my head.

"What's going to happen now?"

"That's anyone's guess," Mary Anne replied.

I will admit now that I never thought that my crazy body would be the thing that really came between my old friends. I swallowed roughly and looked out the window.

It was raining.


	4. Turbulence

_August 26_

_It's always hard to leave Mom, Richard, and Mary Anne behind. I mean, I've done it so many times that you'd think we'd all be used to it by now, but we're not. Mom and Mary Anne cry every time and Richard always looks like he wants to cry, but is trying to be manly. Sometimes, I cry and sometimes, I don't. It's weird how that happens, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have the tears left in me to start crying again._

_So, when I left to go back to California (and move into my college dorm there), I thought I was going to flood some major rivers with all of my crying._

"Now, make sure that you call us as soon as you get there," Mom instructed. "And, make sure you take a cab straight to your Dad's house. No pit-stops at the mall or anything."

"Oh, Mom," I said, pretending to roll my eyes in exasperation. Mom laughed, then immediately hugged me close to her. I almost gasped from being squeezed too hard.

"Don't 'oh, Mom' me today, Dawn. You're going to make me cry."

"If it's that easy to make you cry, then I probably shouldn't say anything at all."

Mom squeezed me a little harder and I felt a wet spot forming on my shoulder. _Oh, man._ I blinked furiously, trying to keep my own tears at bay. Mom pulled back, her face already starting to turn red from tears.

"And not talking to me will also make me cry."

We both laughed this time. Mary Anne was standing nearby with Richard, tissues balled up in her hands. She could continue to become sleek and popular, but she would always be the same old Mary Anne. At least now, though, she didn't cry at every little thing- only things moderately sad and above. I reached out to her.

"Can I get a hug from my favorite stepsister ever?"

"Of course you can, moron," she said affectionately. Ever since the 10th grade, we had taken to calling each other names like "moron" and "idiot" in place of sweet pet names. I think it had to do with the fact that every time I called Mary Anne something like "kid" or "sweetie," Jeff would start gagging and calling to my dad and stepmom that I was a "big old lesbian."

"You'll call me, too," I said. "I won't be doing all the calling, right?"

"No," she said and I could tell she was too emotional to say much else, so I just held her. She was still almost a head shorter than I was, so part of me almost felt like I was holding a little sister or a kid I was babysitting for. She sniffled against my shirt and I wanted to laugh. This was going to be one booger-covered t-shirt when I got to California. I'd probably have to burn it.

"And, I promise to send you a huge, long letter right after I finish my first week. I mean, I'll call and you'll call, but you'll want to get a letter, too, right?"

Mary Anne pulled away a little. "How big is huge?"

"Oh, at least as long as _War and Peace_," I said with a shaky grin. My tears had started to stream down my face again and my voice was choked with them. Mary Anne nodded sagely.

"I can accept that."

"What about yours?"

"At least double that."

"Awesome."

Richard cleared his throat. "Dawn, you probably better get on the plane. You don't want it to leave without you."

Trust my stepdad to be serious in this situation. Mary Anne dropped her arms and stepped away from me with a knowing smile. Richard started to extend his hand as if to shake mine, then shook his head.

"I've been your stepdad for 5 years now and I'm still trying to shake your hand goodbye," he said, sounding miffed at himself. He held out his arms. "Come here, kiddo."

I stepped into the hug quickly. Richard wasn't my dad, but he had really shaped up to be an amazing stepfather. When Mary Anne's dad and my mom were married in 8th grade, we both had some serious doubts at the beginning that it would work out. Richard was so strict and my mom so, well, not. After a while, though, the family seemed to mesh together, even though I was only there in the summer and for a week during the winter break. Only Jeff hadn't really become a part of our close-knit family, but that was probably because he only comes out to Stoneybrook for the winter break and three weeks in the summer. Not nearly enough time to form a strong family bond.

Richard squeezed me tightly and bent close to whisper into my ear.

"Be careful when you get to college," he said. I started to nod, but he kept talking so I stayed still. "It's going to be fun, but remember that everything you do still has consequences and that something might seem like fun, but it could have some very real, horrible effects on your life in the long run."

He stood up a little straighter and held me out at arms length. "You're a good kid, Dawn, and I have faith in you to always do the right thing."

A few more tears streamed down my face and I didn't bother to wipe them away. "Thanks, Richard."

"You're welcome. Make your mother and I proud, OK?"

"OK," I agreed and we hugged again. When I finally pulled away from him, Mary Anne and Mom were smiling at me through their tears. "I'm going to miss all of you, you know."

"Well, of course," Mary Anne said.

"I'll call as soon as we land."

"And when you get home," Mom said quickly. "I want to make sure you make to the house safely."

"Yes, mother."

Mary Anne laughed. "And, call me later tonight. I know you have that free evenings and weekends plan, you slacker, so don't try and pretend that it costs too much to call me."

"Geez, you aren't even nice when I'm leaving to travel _hours_ away."

"Last call for Flight 261. This is the final boarding call for Flight 261."

"That's me," I said hurriedly. I gave each of them another quick hug before snatching up my stuff and stumbling to the gate. The lady at the counter smiled at me as she took my ticket.

"Just you?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied, feeling a little sad and lonely. At least I had people waiting for me on the other end of my flight. I knew that was more than what some people had. "Just me today."

"Go ahead and board," she replied, tearing my ticket stub in half. "Have a great flight."

"Thanks." I turned to look back at my family. Everyone immediately began to wave as I did so and I wanted more than anything to run back to them and tell them that I had changed my mind. Only, I knew that I would change my mind about changing my mind as soon as Dad called to find out why I hadn't arrived back home yet. I waved back to them. "Goodbye!"

I turned quickly and walked onto the plane before I could hear them call back to me. I didn't want to start crying again, especially since I had finally made my tears stop. I wiped at my eyes before actually boarding the plane, offering the flight attendant a cheery smile as I did.

"Hello, there, sweetheart," she said with a huge smile in return. "I haven't seen you in a couple months. Where you headin' today?"

"Back home," I replied, shifting the weight of my backpack.

"Oh, yeah?" she took a quick look at the remainder of my ticket and began to lead to my seat. It wasn't surprising where it was- it was the only seat not taken. I decided to take the dirty looks I was being given in stride. "Where's home?"

"California. Near Los Angelos."

"Well, that's neat." She helped me put my backpack into the overhead compartment. "I was born in Burbank, myself."

"Really?" I asked, more out of politeness than interest. She nodded.

"Mhm. Raised in Kentucky, though. In case you couldn't tell."

"Can we quit the chit-chat and get this damn flight off the ground already?" a balding man several seats over asked. I shot him a dirty look, not caring that he returned it. "Some of us actually have places to be."

The flight attendant smiled woodenly. "Sure, thing. It'll just be another moment, sir." She looked back at me and patted my arm. "Have a good flight, honey."

"Thank you," I said as she walked away. I flashed another dark look at the nasty man, who was now scowling into a newspaper, then began rummaging through my purse. iPod, a novel entitled _Speak_, and bag of trail mix. I was a pro at flying back and forth across the country, but even professionals need something to entertain them during long flights.

I read for a few minutes before my eyes started rereading the same sentence over and over again. I stopped trying to focus on the book and let my eyes unfocus as I began to think.

Life had been crazy the past week or so since Stacey's infamous party. I didn't want to get involved, so even though I did stop by the hospital to bring Abby some reading material and a get well soon card, I didn't say anything about what had happened. Whenever Stacey called (which she did several times a day), I said hi and made small talk until she tried to talk about the party, then I would either pass the phone off to Mary Anne or make up an excuse to hang up. I have never been afraid of confrontation, but this was easily one of the most ridiculous fights I had ever been even remotely involved in, so I wanted to stay out of it.

Mary Anne had been really understanding about the whole thing, which is kind of funny since it's between two of her best friends. I had expected her to be breaking down by now, but she's doing fine. I know she's trying hard not to take sides, but I know she sides with Stacey on this one. I can't help but agree, but the last thing I want to do is alienate Kristy. Especially since, with the distance of being at college, we might never have the chance to make up.

Anyways, I was glad to get out of the situation and back home again, even though I would miss my family back East. The sun, the sand, the ocean. I really am a California girl and the urge to dive into the waves the moment I got off the plane was getting stronger and stronger with each mile. I wondered if Dad would mind if I took a quick stop to the beach before going home.

I felt something on my hip vibrate and shifted my weight uneasily. I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone. I pulled it out and flipped open the display so that I would know who to call back when I landed. There was a text message waiting for me from a name I didn't recognize, so instead of turning my phone off, I opened the message.

_dawn? are you there?_

Glancing around quickly to make sure nobody would see, I let my fingers fly over the buttons.

_Yes, but I can't talk. Who is this?_

_mallory. mary anne gave me your number. i hope you don't mind._

I blinked. Mallory and I had never been close before. I couldn't image why she was sending me text messages.

_It's fine. Can I talk to you when I land?_

_All right, but call me as soon as you can, all right?_

_Is something wrong?_

_Sort of. I'll call you._

Perturbed, I nodded. I heard someone clear their throat and jumped guiltily. The flight attendant I had met on the way in smiled at me.

"You have to turn that off."

"Sorry," I mumbled, typing in _bye_ before turning it off and sliding it into my purse. She smiled indulgently before going back to waiting on the other fliers.

I spent the rest of the flight obsessing over what could possibly be so horrible that Mallory would send me such a cryptic message. I nearly ran off the plane when we landed and rushed into the nearest bathroom. Hurriedly, I hunted through my phonebook and found Mallory's phone number. I tapped my foot while it rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mallory?"

"No, this is Vanessa. Do you want to talk to Mallory?"

Vanessa was smart, but seriously a space cadet. I closed my eyes for a moment. "Yes, is she there?"

"Hold on." I heard what sounded like the phone being rested on Vanessa's shoulder. "_Mallory_!"

"_What is it_?"

"You have a phone call!"

"_Who is it_?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Dawn. She just called me, Vanessa."

"Oh, hi, Dawn. Hold on again. _Mallory_! It's Dawn!"

"_I'll take it upstairs_." I heard another extension being picked up. "Dawn?"

"Hey, Mal. What's up?"

"Get off the phone!"

Baffled, I looked around. "What?"

"Not you. Vanessa, get off the phone."

"Bye, Dawn."

I heard the phone click. Mallory sighed. "Dawn? Are you still there?"

"Yeah. What's going on?"

I heard what sounded like Mallory sitting down on her bed. "OK, so remember Stacey's party?"

"It's kind of hard to forget."

"Well, Kristy's been kind of down since then."

"Kristy has?" I asked, feeling confused. She had been fuming to Mary Anne the past week or so, but she hadn't seemed depressed.

"Yeah. See, she's worried about going to college and this whole fight thing is really freaking her out." Mallory coughed. "I think she's scared that she and Stacey might never talk again."

"Mal, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to _do_?" I asked. "I'm in California. Besides, it's _their_ fight, not mine. I don't want to get in the middle of this. Especially a fight as stupid as this is."

Mallory was quiet for a moment. "I thought you'd be a little more understanding."

"I'm not trying to be mean or anything. Really. I just don't think-"

"My mom's calling me. I have to go."

"What? Um, OK. Can I call you later?" _What_ was everyone's problem?

"Sure, OK. Bye."

I hung up the phone in shock. I barely noticed the people hurrying in and out of the bathroom as I stood there silently. Suddenly, my stomach lurched and I just barely managed to make it to a toilet in time.

Squatting down beside the cool, yellowing toilet, I wiped at my face with my palms. Here I was, cool, calm, _collected_ Dawn Shafer, hunched over a toilet bowl all because of a stupid little fight.

Shaking, I dialed a number on my cell phone. The phone rang twice before Mary Anne picked up.

"Mary Anne? I have to talk to you."


	5. Caffeine Induced Stupidity

**Chapter 5: Caffeine Induced Stupidity**

**Shannon**

_September 4_

_Home sweet home. Except that's it Harvard and, thus far, it's been anything **but** sweet. I want to call my mom and ask her to drive over here immediately to pick me up. Instead, I went to the coffee shop that's around the corner and ordered the tallest expresso they had and chugged it down like it was water. I've never been much into coffee, so the caffeine is making it kind of hard to write. It just keeps shaking all over the place. I guess I ought to try and talk to Bethany._

Bethany Louise Stottlemyer. She's the only daughter of a very prominent lawyer in New Hampshire and her parents' princess. She's gorgeous, too. Dark, curly hair, emerald green eyes, perfectly tanned skinned. She's well poised, eloquent, and a completely evil bitch.

Sorry. Normally, I'm not the type of girl to swear and rely on addictive substances to get through the day. Not that downing expresso constantly and referring to my roommate by her most appropriate description are such horrible things. I mean, I've always been taught to do my best (and, apparently, coffee helps) and to be honest.

I tucked by journal underneath my pillow as I heard the dorm room door being unlocked. I tried not to look too suspicious or weird as Bethany and her friends, Tanya, Jilian, and Jayne, walked into the room. All very sophisticated, all very mean. Bethany raised an eyebrow as I jumped off my bed and started smoothing down my comforter.

"I can't believe you're still doing that," she said quietly, setting her purse down on her desk. I stopped moving.

"Doing what?"

"Chores and things. Doesn't your family have a _maid_ or something?" She looked me over again and I felt my blood begin to boil. "I thought you were rich."

"Well, my parents wanted to raise us to be able to do things on our own," I replied, trying not to sound defensive. Tanya snapped the wad of gum in her mouth.

"That's awful," Jayne said, trying to sound sympathetic. "How did you survive?"

"It wasn't easy," I said dryly. "Sometimes, I even had to _babysit_ for my sisters."

Bethany looked disgusted. "The _nanny_ did things like that. I have better things to do than follow my bratty brother around all day."

"I like my sisters," I admitted. And, after a week of being here with you people, I miss them like crazy. I've wanted to kill them since they were little and now they're practically my best friends. _God._

"Did you still want to see that movie?" Jilian asked Bethany pointedly. I noticed that she made no effort to include me in the invitation. I didn't care much. Bethany nodded.

"Yeah. Just let me change my shirt."

The other girls stood there dumbly as Bethany went to her closet and began shifting through her clothes. She shot them a look.

"You can wait outside for me."

They nodded and left the room. I shifted my weight uneasily then sat down on my bed.

"So, how has your day been?" I asked awkwardly.

"Fine."

I wanted to go home right now. Or, at the very least, get out of the room. Instead, I sat there numbly, watching Bethany finally select a shirt. She pulled the one she was wearing off quickly and I glanced away. I didn't really want to sit there, watching her change out of her clothes. It was bad enough I was considering killing her. I didn't really want the mental images of her getting undressed.

I must've shivered because Bethany cleared her throat. "You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. It's kind of cold in here."

"Oh. Yeah, of course." I got up quickly and went to fumble with the thermostat.

What was wrong with me? I've never had problems getting along with people. I've certainly never hated anyone before except maybe Kristy when she first moved into my neighborhood. I tried to focus on that experience for a moment. Maybe it would help me to break the ice.

"I'll be back late," Bethany said, breaking up my thought stream. I glanced at her in surprise. "You don't have to keep the light on."

"OK." She brushed past me and out the door before I could say much else. "Bye."

I flung myself back onto my bed and grabbed my pillow. Hugging it tightly to my chest, I took in a deep breath. I needed to unwind. I grabbed the phone on my nightstand without thinking and dialed a phone number. It rang twice before a familiar voice answered.

"Hello?"

I sighed. "Kristy! Hi! How are you?"

"Shannon! Good! What's up?"

I wiggled back on my bed so that I was leaning against the wall. "_Life_. Kristy, do you like your school yet?"

"It's not too bad," Kristy said carefully. "I'm still adjusting to not having a million little kids running through the halls. Of course, I do live in a co-ed building, so the adjustment isn't too bad. What about you?"

"My roommate is a_ monster_!" I blurted out and blushed. I could almost see Kristy's frown.

"What's going on, Shannon?"

I began rambling to her about everything that Bethany had said, done, and what I supposed she was thinking. I could hear Kristy tapping her fingers on a wooden surface as I talked, but didn't bother to say anything. She was no doubt deep in thought. When I finally managed to slow down and take a breath, Kristy cut in.

"Have you said anything to her?"

"How can I? Have you been _listening_, Kristy? This girl will probably have her father hire a hitman to kill me if I say anything against her."

"I thought her dad was a lawyer."

"_Kristy_!" I shrieked and heard her laugh. I let myself sag against the wall and let out a small giggle myself. "What am I going to do?"

"Wait it out?"

"And, if I go insane, I will _totally_ blame it on you." I laughed as a thought occurred to me. "In fact, I am going to write a note about it right now. Just so that nobody has any doubts."

"Nice, Shannon." She put something crunchy into her mouth and bit down. I winced. "Well, what about talking to the RA?"

"She's probably already paid Michelle off."

"I don't know what to say, Shannon."

I sighed deeply. "I know. I guess I just wanted to vent. You know?"

"Yeah, of course. Want to talk about something else?"

I nodded. "Yeah. What is Karen up to?"

Kristy let out a burst of laughter. "Oh, my lord. You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"Well, first of all, she arranged this huge party with all of her friends to see me off. Except none of them know me. Not really. And, it was so awkward. So, she kept trying to invent games to play to break the ice. I was embarrassed_ for_ her."

"Why did she do that?"

Kristy sighed. "I don't know. I don't think she wanted to me to come to school."

"I can appreciate her sentiment."

Kristy sneezed and I laughed. "Are you getting sick?"

"No, there's just a lot of pollen around here. I feel like Abby."

"Speaking of which, how has she been? I heard she's out of the hospital."

"Oh, they didn't keep her in there long. Just long enough to make sure she wasn't going to keel over on them or something." Kristy laughed. "She kept saying she was going to try it anyways, just to see what would happen and I reminded her that the defibrillators would probably make her hair even bigger. I don't think she liked that idea too much."

I patted my own hair in sympathy. "But, she's fine otherwise?"

"Same old sense of humor. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if-"

I waited. When Kristy didn't finish her thought, I coughed. "Kristy? What do you wonder? Are you just trying to wait and see how long it takes before I scream at you?"

I grinned, but the smile fell right back off my face when the lights flickered. I stood up quickly, looking around the room in confusion, but the power went out before I could make heads or tails of what was going on. I almost screamed- I hate power outages with a passion. Instead, I tossed the dead phone onto the bed and stood there motionlessly. I could hear protests coming from the hallway.

"What's going on _now_?"

"Turn the power back on!"

"_My paper_!"

A knock at my door nearly had me jumping out of my skin. I flinched away from the door even as I asked who it was.

"Everyone in there all right?"

"I'm fine," I squeaked as the door opened. Too many horror movies, too late at night. That's why I am a such a nervous freak whenever the power goes out. At least, that's how I defend it.

"Are you sure? You don't sound all right."

I cleared my throat. My eyes were starting to adjust to the dark and I could see one of the boys that lived down the hall coming towards. Matt, I think. He reached out in the dark and I held out my hand without thinking. It's a good thing it was dark because I could feel my cheeks light up as soon as our hands touched.

"Shannon, right?"

"Yeah," I murmured shakily. He pulled me closer to the door and I hesitated. "What's going on?"

"Thunderstorm knocked out the power," he explained. "Haven't you been listening to it out there? We just wanted to make sure that everyone is all right."

"We?" I sounded like a moron.

"Yeah, me and the other RAs."

"You're an RA?"

"Yep. Come on, we're just rounding people up in the common room." He laughed and I felt my heart pound against my chest. "Maybe we'll do the floor bonding thing again. Only, with lightning bolts in the background."

"Nice," I lied. I allowed him to lead me out of my room and down the hall. He was awfully close to me even though the hall wasn't that wide. I gulped. "Are you a senior?"

"Only a junior," he reported. "Pre-law. What about you? Aren't you pre-law, too?"

"Maybe," I said. "I'm not too sure anymore."

"Well, you've only been here for a week. You can definitely change your major without any fuss."

"How did you guys decide to come down here so fast?" I asked.

"We were in my room, playing video games. I figured the freshmen would be a little freaked out by the storm." He squeezed my hand and it was bliss. I closed my eyes. "Am I right?"

"I feel great," I confessed and blushed again. He laughed.

"Well, that's great. Hey, everyone. This is Shannon. I'm going to see if there is anyone else who wants to play camp-out with us tonight."

I stood by the door of the common room as Matt went back to rescue other terrified freshmen. The other kids in the room looked at me with varying degrees of annoyance, fear, and confusion. I smiled half-heartedly.

"Hi."

"Do you think this is going to take a long time?" one girl asked. "I need to keep working on my paper. It's due in three days!"

"It's an 'introduction to you' paper," another girl said, clearly agitated. "It's only a page and a half."

"Procrastination makes for failure," the first girl snapped and I flinched back. Not even I was so crazy about homework. I wanted to laugh, but decided against it. One of the RA's cleared her throat.

"So, how has everyone's first week gone?"

"Don't even ask," the second girl moaned. I could see the first girl's outline stiffen in the dark. She was clearly gearing up for a venomous retort when the light flashed back on. Everyone winced and moaned at the sudden light and a few kids hopped off the couch. "I'm out of here."

Matt came back into the room. "Already? Just when everyone was going to start having some real fun."

"Excuse me," the first girl nearly snarled and he jumped out of her way with a laugh. I hadn't realized how good looking he was before.

"What's been going on?"

"Don't ask," the second girl repeated, following the first girl with obvious reluctance. Matt smiled at me warmly.

"So, are you going to go back to your room?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I was on the phone."

"Oh."

"Why?"

Matt grinned at me and I wanted to squeal and jump around. I felt like a moron. A very hormonal moron. He was so handsome, it was painful. I wanted to jump him right then and there. Of course, I would never do something like that. At least, not in the common room.

"I thought you might want to play some video games with us. Mario Cart."

"I've never really played video games," I confessed, feeling a little bit like a loser. Matt shrugged.

"There's a first time for everything, right?"

"Yeah, there is."

"Well, come on, then. You're going to like it."

I followed him out of the room like a love-sick puppy. I couldn't help checking him out as he walked down the hall in front of me. For the first time, I was actually checking out and really appreciating the rear view of a guy. I shook my head with a grin.

He was perfection.


	6. For Granted

**Chapter 6: For Granted**

**Mallory**

_September 24_

_Nobody seems to believe me when I tell them that I, Mallory Pike, am the proud owner of a motorized vehicle. Maybe it's because my family has more kids than the Brady Bunch, but it's true that my parents actually bestowed upon me a functioning car._

_OK. Let's just get down to it. It's a relic and I'm surprised that it hasn't burst into flames yet. Although that's always a possibility, especially now that the triplets are taking chemistry in school. But, to be fair, it's still my car. I'm the only one who drives it now- mostly because I think my parents are scared of it- and **it's all mine**!_

While I tried my best to sound chipper, optimistic, hopeful, and high-spirited about the whole thing, I really wanted to start screaming.

The only reason I got the car- the station wagon- was because I turned 16 first and I am the only Pike kid with a driver's license (which my mother has been training me for even before I was allowed to get a permit) and as such, I am the new chauffer to the hoard of children that my parents have created. Yes, that means that even though I ought to spending my time doing homework, writing novels, reading books, or just staring out the window in what I consider to be a poetic stare, I am carting my brothers and sisters to soccer practices, ballet lessons, art lessons, the grocery store, and anything else their perverse little minds can think up.

Luckily, Mom and Dad are paying me for my services. At least, they give me enough money to fill up the gas tank every week and are slipping me a secret allowance that I am under pain of death not to tell the other kids.

Once in a while, it's all right.

Take today, for instance. Today Vanessa and I were driving down old country roads, trying to find the perfect spot to have uninterrupted peace and quiet. Although I had originally set my sights on a pond surrounded by trees that were beginning to burst fully into their autumn colors, Vanessa said to keep going. I would've said no, but she looked like she had something in mind, so I shut up and kept going.

We finally agreed on a small country road where there was a gently flowing river and trees everywhere in sight. I wanted to mention to her that the first place I had seen would've been just as nice, but I couldn't. Not when Vanessa looked really pleased and excited to be here.

We got out of the car and walked to the edge of the river. I perched myself somewhat uncomfortably on a rock while Vanessa sank down into the long grass. I pretended to be sifting through my papers to find what I was looking for while watching her out of the corner of my eye. Vanessa closed her eyes for such a long while that I almost thought she was asleep, but then her brown eyes opened to look at me.

"Thanks," she said quietly and all I could do was smile back at her.

Vanessa has always been the quiet, serene type of child, but now she was almost completely withdrawn into herself. And, as much as everyone says that it isn't my fault, I can't help but feel guilty for her reclusive behavior.

A couple of years ago, while I was still away at school, Mom and Dad decided to give Vanessa the babysitting responsibilities that had once been my job. I had to admit that I was glad that I no longer had to watch all of the kids all the time and that I now had a helper when it came to making sure the other kids didn't blow up the house. Or, one of themselves.

One day, while Vanessa was in charge of watching Margo and Claire, something terrible happened. Vanessa was trying to make something for dinner (macaroni and cheese, I think) and had a pot of water boiling on the stove. But, when the triplets rushed in unexpectedly, they knocked the pot off the stove and boiling water splashed everywhere. Most of it landed on Vanessa.

She was in the hospital for nearly three weeks while the doctors struggled to make sure that the burns and possible infection wouldn't kill her. I missed those three weeks of classes to stay at home, praying that I hadn't been so selfish as to go away and leave something like this to happen to my little sister. I honestly feel the lowest I had ever felt in my entire life.

Obviously, Vanessa lived and was soon well enough to come home. She hadn't escaped unmarked, however. There are scars from the burns and the efforts the doctor's made to keep her from dying. A lot of those scars are on her face and hands, so she ended up missing much of the rest of the school year, completely terrified what people would say when they saw her burns and scarring.

After every effort to try to convince her to return to school in the fall, my parents finally agreed to hire a private tutor to stay at home with Vanessa so that she would be spared the extra agony of kids staring at her. She had never really liked the crowds of school anyways, so I know the idea of _everyone_ staring her was a paralyzing one.

"Mallory?"

"What?" I snapped out of my thoughts, immediately realizing that Vanessa just _knew_ what I had been thinking about and wanting to hit myself for letting my mind wander over it. "Sorry, did you ask me a question of something?"

"I was just wondering if you were going to read or just stare at me all afternoon."

I felt myself blush and tried to cover my rapidly turning scarlet face. "I'm sorry, Vanessa. Here, let me find my book, all right?"

I bent over and began sifting through my backpack again. Once I finally found it, I pulled it out and began reading frantically, like I was making up the lost time when I had been staring at, and pitying, my little sister. Vanessa wordlessly went back to basking in the late afternoon sun, her eyes once more closed.

My cell phone began to ring and I decided to ignore it. I saw Vanessa slip out of her relaxing time-out, staring hard at my bag. I pretended still not to hear it ringing and eventually it stopped. I didn't want to turn it off because I was supposed to have it on at all times, just in case of an emergency. I glanced at Vanessa and gave her an apologetic smile. She shook her head slightly before closing her eyes tightly and tilting her face back up to the sunlight.

I scooped the phone of out of my bag. One missed call from Jessi. It was probably nothing important. Maybe Jessi just wanted us to spend some time together this afternoon. Maybe she had finally managed to get some free time outside of the studio where she danced all the time and wanted to hang out. I made a mental note to call her back once we got home.

Then, once more, the phone started ringing while I was holding it in my hand. Vanessa groaned and flopped backwards in the grass. It was Jessi calling again. _She must be really bored_, I thought.

"Sorry, Vanessa, I'll turn it off."

"No. Just answer it. See what Jessi wants."

"How did you know it's Jessi?" I asked defensively.

Even though I couldn't see her face I knew she was rolling her eyes. "Mal, it's _always_ Jessi."

"Sometimes, other people call me." Vanessa didn't answer and the phone rang again. "OK, fine. Hello?"

I expected to hear Jessi immediately burst out that she had a free afternoon and wanted to hang out. That she was thinking maybe we could finish up whatever homework we had left, then go and spend the rest of the day watching old horse movies. Or, better still, sappy romance movies.

What I didn't expect to hear was Jessi's voice sobbing in my ear. I stood up quickly and walked away from Vanessa. Maybe Jessi hadn't gotten that part in the winter show that she had been working so hard for during the past couple of months. Jessi didn't normally cry very easily, but this was something I knew she would cry about.

"Jessi, what happened?" I asked with just the right amount of appropriate concern in my voice. When you have seven younger brothers and sisters, it's a skill that it easily perfected.

"Mal? Is that you?"

"Yes, Jessi. What it is?"

"Oh, God. There was a truck, Mal."

I felt the blood drain from my face. "Jessi, where are you?"

"There was a huge truck and Daddy tried to go around it, Mal. Oh, God. Oh, my God."

"Do you want me to call 911?" I asked weakly.

"I already called them, but they're not here yet."

"You should call them back," I suggested. "Don't they like having you stay on the line with them while you wait?"

"I didn't want to listen to a stranger," Jessi sobbed. "I didn't want to."

"It's all right. I can talk to you."

"He's dead, Mal. I can just tell." I heard her making a retching sound like she was going to throw up and I bowed my head helplessly. "There's so much blood everywhere. Squirt's covered in it, too."

Squirt's Jessi's little brother. "Oh, God, Jessi. Who else is in the car?"

"Mama and Becca are, too." She began to choke and cough violently into the phone. I screamed her name and I heard her take a deep breath. "Everyone's in the car. We were going to go out to the mall as a family. Mal, I don't know who else is alive. Everyone else has their eyes closed."

"Are those sirens?" I asked hopefully.

"Are they dead, Mal?" she asked with stark desperation. I swallowed roughly and shook my head. "Is my family dead? There's so much blood. It's everywhere. My side's bleeding."

"Press your jacket against it," I replied. "Stop the bleeding."

"If everyone else is dead, I don't want to be alive," she cried miserably. "What do I do?"

"Hang in there, Jessi. I love you. You're my best friend. You're not allowed to die." She laughed a little. Actually laughed. She sounded sick and the laugh entirely inappropriate, but there is was. "Please."

"I love you, too, Mal." There was a long pause. "I don't think Squirt's breathing."

"You still know CPR, right?"

"There's blood everywhere, Mal." She began to sob unrestrainedly. "I'm going to be sick."

I listened while my best friend lost her lunch in her family's car. While she screamed and sobbed about how she thought everyone was dead. And, a lot more. Finally, _finally_, someone grabbed the phone from her.

"Who is this?" a rough male voice asked.

"Mallory Pike."

"Ms. Pike, I'm taking Mr. Ramsey and the boy to Hope County Hospital. Mrs. Ramsey and Rebecca are going to be flown to Joyce Bernstein Women's Hospital. Jessica will be taken by ambulance to Stoneybrook Community Hospital."

"Is she going to _die_?" I asked, my voice shaking. "She called me. She said there was _blood _everywhere."

"How old are you?"

"16."

"Miss Pike, your friend is going to have excellent medical care. The entire family will." He cleared his throat. "I suggest you and your family drive to Stoneybrook. When she wakes up, she could use some familiar faces."

"She's unconscious?" I shrieked. "Is she dying?"

"No. Calm down. We gave her some sedatives to relax her body, but she's going to be fine. I have to go now."

"Please… I need to talk to her." I was crying now.

"You can once you reach the hospital. Goodbye."

Jessi's phone went dead and I dropped my own phone to the ground.

"Mallory!" Vanessa asked in a voice that was a lot steadier that I felt. "What's going on?"

"Jessi," I breathed, sinking to my knees. "Car accident. Her _whole family_."

"I'm calling Mom."

"She's at work, Nessa," I whispered.

"I don't think she'll mind."

**6**

Hours later, I sat inside of my best friend's hospital room, holding her cool hand tightly in my own. The doctors had given her so many drugs that she couldn't carry on a coherent conversation. She was in and out of consciousness and when she was awake she seemed to think that the accident was still all around her. She would start screaming about the blood and gore and, almost instantly, a nurse or a young intern would come running in to up the sedatives that were keeping her calm and keeping her asleep.

I had been offered pills, too, and had kept them out of my system until Jessi's Aunt Cecelia rushed to the hospital room and starting crying when she saw Jessi. I had started to hyperventilate and the doctors led me to a quiet room where they asked me a lot of questions, then handed me a couple of small white pills and a cup of water. I took them and in ten minutes felt a little more sane.

Mom had taken Vanessa home, even though she had been insisting on traveling to see Becca and Mrs. Ramsey. Mom said it was bad enough that Vanessa had to see Jessi all banged up with tubes coming out of her all over the place. Mom called me when she had tucked a trembling Vanessa into bed to tell me that everyone else in Jessi's family were much worse off than she was. She said she was coming to pick me up, but agreed to let me stay once I started sobbing.

I squeezed Jessi's hand weakly.

"I know you probably can't hear me because you're asleep, but I'm so glad you're alive. I would've died, too, if you died. You're my best friend." Tears slipped down my cheeks and I made no effort to stop them. "I can't believe I wasn't there to help you. I had the car. I could've come out there to help you."

I couldn't say anything else. I moaned softly and laid my head down to rest on her bruised hand. I don't know how long I was there before a soft, gentle hand rested on my shoulder. My head felt like a ton of bricks as I struggled to lift it up.

"Hello, Mallory," the woman touching my shoulder said sweetly. "I was wondering if you would like to take a little walk with me."

I shook my head. "She needs me here."

"She'll be all right," the woman said softly. "The nurses and doctors are making sure that she won't have to wake up right away."

"She needs me," I repeated weakly.

"She needs you healthy," the woman said. "I just want to help you, honey."

I nodded. "We can't stay away too long."

"Just a little walk, that's all. Just to make sure you're all right."

I dragged myself to my feet. "They gave me pills."

"Anti-anxiety pills," the woman said. "To help you calm down."

"I feel sick."

"We can stop in any bathroom we pass and I'll hold your hair back if you feel like you need to throw up."

I nodded again and held out my hand. It was shaking. The woman took it gently and pulled me across the room with her. I glanced back at Jessi.

"She'll be all right?"

"She'll be all right." I nodded. "My name Anna, Mallory. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

I shook my head violently. "OK. Let's just walk and talk about easy stuff, all right? I hear you have a big family."

"Yeah."

"A lot of brothers and sisters."

I nodded again, but didn't say anything. We were still walking slowly, hand in hand. "What are you interested in, Mallory? Boys yet?"

I smiled weakly. "A little."

"_Oooo_," Anna replied and gave my hand a small squeeze. I nearly giggled. "Any particular boy?"

"Sort of."

"Keep talking, girlfriend. Talk as much as you want."

So, I did. I babbled on and on about stupid, trivial things until my father came to pick me up. He had shadows under his eyes and looked like he might have been crying. I left wordlessly with him, Anna calling after us that she would be down to check on Jessi several times a day and that I could call her anytime I needed to talk.

Dad tucked me that night. I hadn't been tucked in since the 6th grade when I had mono was too sick to do it for myself.

Once I was in the dark, images of what Jessi had seen raced constantly through my head. I feel asleep, completely exhausted, around 2 in the morning and slept fitfully through the rest of the night.


	7. Visiting Hours

**Chapter 7: Visiting Hours**

**Mary Anne**

_September 27_

_I wasn't planning on coming home over fall break. School was going fantastically well and I was making new friends all over the place. But, after I heard about the accident, I drove straight back to Stoneybrook, stopping only for gas._

I hate hospitals. I don't care if a million people tell me that they're not so bad, they always will be.

I've only ever been in the hospital one time- the night I sprained my ankle playing extreme Frisbee with some of my friends. Only Dad came down to the hospital because I insisted that he be the only one to pick me up. It wasn't a serious injury (all they had to do was tug an Ace bandage around it a few times to keep it stable) and I wasn't about to have everyone tearing down to the emergency room just to watch me hobble out on the set of crutches they gave me.

But, I've seen the insides of hospitals more times than I wanted to count. It seems like all of my friends are prone to accidents or illness. Kristy had to have her knee operated on after she tore her ACL playing soccer and there was the time Claudia broke her leg in middle school. Of course, Kristy is a sports injury repeat offender. She's always in one brace or another, but it doesn't ever seem to bother her. It's just a part of being an athlete, she insists.

Abby and Stacey are totally different cases. Abby's asthma and allergies are normally _just_ annoying, but they can get bad. The time at the party right before we left for college wasn't the first time Abby has gone into shock and stopped breathing after having a severe allergic reaction or a severe asthma attack. It happened once in the 10th grade when she was stung by a bee and our physical education teacher had to stab an Epi pen into her leg. Then, in our senior year, one of the boys on the school track team found her passed out behind the school, blue from not being able to breathe. Thankfully, her Epi pen came in handy again, but she had to miss nearly two weeks of school while they kept her in the hospital for closer monitoring.

Stacey is a brittle diabetic and has been since she was a little girl. She's been hospitalized a few times that were extended stays and has had a number of short, one to two day stays. Once, in eighth grade, she was keep in the hospital for weeks while the doctors struggling to adjust her meds to an appropriate level. Still, in 11th grade, she started shivering in class and couldn't stop. When she tried to stand up to get her insulin, she collapsed and starting having a seizure in the middle of the classroom. She didn't come to school for nearly a month after that and was pretty shy for a few weeks, convinced that everyone thought she was a huge freak or something. She came around once Pete Black demanded that he take her out on a date.

Despite all of that hospital time, I had to swallow a few times before I could get enough courage to enter Jessi's hospital room. I almost turned and walked right out again when I saw her.

Jessi was nearly unrecognizable underneath the bundle of bandages and bruises that covered her beautiful face. If it was still beautiful. If the accident hadn't destroyed it permanently.

"Mary Anne," I heard a faint voice whisper and I approached the bed. My legs were shaking and I wanted to start crying, but I managed a smile.

"Hi, Jessi."

"Hi, Mary Anne," another voice said, stronger but still too tired to be healthy. As I neared the bed, I saw the chair Mallory had been keeping vigil in. I walked around the bed to Mallory and wrapped her into a tight hug.

It was like I had been the person to crack the Hoover Dam. Mallory let out a low moan before clutching at my shirt. I steered us both towards the window seat that was underneath the room's one, high window. Mallory was sobbing unrestrainedly by the time we were seated and I forgot my own urge to cry as I smooth my fingers through her hair.

"Mallory, shh," I whispered. "It's all right now."

"I wasn't even there for her," Mallory gasped through her violent sobs. "I wasn't even _there_!"

"Maybe we should go outside the room," I suggested gently and instantly felt some of the tension ease out of Mallory's body. She shook her head.

"No. No, I c-can calm down," she insisted. She pulled back and I could see that she had probably been crying for the past three days, the way her eyes were swollen and her nose a violent red. She took in a deep breath and exhaled. "See?"

"Mallory?" the whispered voice asked again.

"Jessi!" Mallory gasped and pulled away from me to clutch at her best friend's hand. "I'm so sorry. Mary Anne's here. Look!"

Jessi turned her head slowly, letting it roll against the pillows until she was facing me. Both of her eyes were blackened and her lip split down the middle. I could tell by her expression that she was in terrible pain. I smiled as warmly and tenderly as I could.  
"How are you feeling, Jessi?" I asked, reaching out to touch the hand that Mallory was clinging to. Jessi rolled her eyes weakly before letting them slid shut. "Jessi?"

"She's on a lot of medications," a male voice told us and I turned. The voice belonged to a very handsome, very young doctor. He held out his hand and I shook it politely. "She's not going to be able to understand much for the next week or two. Not until we can begin to lower her dosage."

"Is her brain…?" I couldn't finish my sentence when Mallory let out another whimpered cry and pressed her face against Jessi's hand. The doctor moved around to Mallory's side of the bed, squatted down, and wrapped an arm around her.

"It's all right, Malloy," he told her softly. "Why don't you go and get something to eat?"

"I can't," she moaned, face still squished up against Jessi's hand.

"How about going down there to get us something to eat, then?" The doctor looked up at me and smiled. Despite myself, I smiled back. "I'm sure the rest of us could use some hardy cafeteria food. Right, Miss…"

"Mary Anne," I said quietly. "Spier. Mary Ann Spier."

"Well, Mary Anne, what do you say?" The doctor dug through his lab coat pockets and pulled out a wad of bills. "Cafeteria food?"

"That would be great," I agreed, though I had no stomach for food right now. Mallory finally raised her head, tears running down her cheeks. "Please, Mal?"

"OK," she said in a very dead sounding voice. The doctor pushed the money into her hands and Mallory wandered out of the room, her face a chalky white in the brightness of the hall. I turned back to the doctor.

"Jessi's OK, right?" I asked. "She's not… dead?"

The doctor shook his head quickly. "Oh, no. She had some major injuries that required surgery, _but _she'll be all right in a couple of months."

"She's a ballerina," I said. "Will she ever dance again?"

The doctor took a long look at Jessi before turning back to me. "She might. Her legs were both broken, but the breaks were surprisingly clean and should heal perfectly."

I pulled a chair over to Jessi's bedside and took a seat. The doctor did the same.

"I'm Dr. Houston. Jeff Houston." I blinked at him. "Thought you'd need an introduction."

"Thanks."

We both sat staring at Jessi for a few minutes before Dr. Houston coughed lightly. "She's been through a lot of trauma."

"I can see that."

"Jessi's temporary guardian has given those who are personally caring for Jessi permission to explain the situation to her friends and classmates, should they ask."

I swallowed and shook my head. "What are you saying? What about her parents?"

Dr. Houston paled a little and adjusted his tie. "They were both killed in the accident."

I felt my body heave forward as I clapped a hand over my mouth. Dr. Houston moved quickly to get us both into the bathroom and I emptied everything I had eaten in the last couple of hours into the toilet. My body dry heaved for a while longer before I finally sank in a miserably limp bundle on the floor. Dr. Houston brushed my hair back from my face and helped me sit up.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "This isn't fair."

"What about_ Jessi_? Where will she go? Where will she_ live_?"

The questions poured out of me and I found myself unable to control them. I clamped my hand back over my mouth to make myself stop. Dr. Houston shook his head as he gently moved my hand back down into my lap again.

"Jessi's aunt Cecelia has offered to be temporary guardian for Jessi until a better home can be established."

"Why can't she take care of Jessi?" I spat out, a sudden burst of rage filling me.

"She's getting old," Dr. Houston explained calmly, though his face was ashen with the stress of the entire situation. I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth and looked down at the floor. "She can't take care of Jessi, especially with all of the care that Jessi's going to need after she's discharged."

"What about her sister? Becca Ramsey? Squirt?"

Dr. Houston nodded. "Becca is at the Women's Hospital, which is about halfway between Stanford and here. She's in critical condition, but stable. She's expected to live."

"The little boy?"

"I'm sorry. Only Jessi and Becca survived the accident."

"_God_," I murmured. "Why is this happening?"

Dr. Houston shrugged, then got to his feet. I looked up to see his hand extended to me. "Let me help you up. We can sit down by the bed again."

"Why?" I asked again. Dr. Houston shook his head.

"Would you like to talk to the therapist we have set up for friends and family of the Ramsey's?" I shook my head. "Our hospital's chaplain is always available."

"No. Can I just be alone with Jessi for a little while?"

"Of course." He stood as I sank down into the chair I had pulled up next to her. "I'll be just down the hall if you need me."

"Thank you," I murmured as I took Jessi's hand in mine. I studied her broken and bruised face for a long time before saying anything. "I'm so sorry, Jessi."

Her eyes fluttered open. Maybe she was just lightly dozing off and on. "Mary Anne?"

"Yes, Jessi. It's me, Mary Anne." I took a deep breath to keep myself from crying. "How are you feeling, honey?"

"I want my mom," Jessi whispered, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Where's my mom?"

I didn't bother to hold back my own tears. "I don't know, Jessi. I'm here, though."

"I want my mom!" she cried out. "Mom! Mom, where are you?"

I stood up and backed away from her bed, sobs catching in my throat. I felt myself being guided out the door and caught a glimpse of a nurse adding a syringe of medication into Jessi's IV before the door swung shut. I couldn't stop trembling, not even when I felt Dr. Houston's hands close on my shoulders.

"Come on, Mary Anne," he said gently.

"She doesn't know?" I asked through my tears. "Nobody's _told _her?"

"Not yet."

"She has a _right_ to know," I found myself almost screaming. "She _needs_ to know!"

Dr. Houston grabbed my shoulders again, turning me around so that I was facing him. My body was shivering with anger and sorrow and it was hard to catch my breath.

"No, Mary Anne," he said in the most calm and tender voice I had ever heard. "She's too fragile right now. She'll know once we get her medically stable. Otherwise, it will upset her too much and maybe even put her life in danger. We need to keep her as calm and peaceful as we can." He paused and wiped a tear from my face. I bowed my head. "Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Then, please, don't say anything to her."

I saw Mallory approaching us out of the corner of my eye and looked up. She stopped a few feet away, her face quickly losing color as she realized I was crying and upset.

"What happened?" she asked. "Is Jessi all right?"

"She's fine, Mallory," Dr. Houston reassured her. "We just had to give her some medication to settle her down."

"Oh." Mallory thrust the two bags at us. "I'm not eating."

I didn't take the bag she was offering me. "Me, either. I'm sorry, Mal, but I need to go home. I need to see my parents."

"I know," she whispered and Dr. Houston quickly grabbed the food from her. The moment the bags were out of her hands, Mallory wrapped me in a tight hug. "You'll come back?"

"Yes," I whispered. I ran my fingers through her hair again and sighed. "I love you, Mallory."

"Thank you for coming," she replied. "I love you, too."

"Jessi will get through this and you will, too." I pulled back so that I could look directly into her eyes. "You have to stay strong. We'll all pull together to help."

"Thank you."

After a few more meaningless words, I left the hospital. I almost had to stop in the parking garage to throw up, but managed to get control of myself. I made it into the car and all the way home before it finally caught up with me.

Sharon and Dad were both home when I got there. I started sobbing the second I saw them and both my father and my stepmother wrapped me in the middle of a family hug. I cried until I was too exhausted to cry anymore.

"Ready to go to sleep?" Dad asked. I nodded. "Come on into the family room."

"What about my bed?"

We walked into the family room and I smiled a little.

Sharon had inflated three of our four inflatable mattresses and decked them out completely with sheets, blankets and pillows. I saw that my pajamas were already laid out for me. Sharon took my hand.

"I thought you wouldn't want to be alone right now."

"I love you," I said and flung my arms around her again.

"I love you, too, Mary Anne." She patted my back. "Let's get you into bed."

So, instead of spending the night in my dorm room with my eccentric but entirely lovable roommate, I snuggled down in my parent's living room, sleeping between them on our inflatable mattresses. I couldn't think about Jessi anymore, because I knew if I did I'd go crazy. Knowing that I still had my parents to take care of me and love me like they did was a knife in my heart. She would never hug her parents again.

My dreams that night were some of the worst I had ever had, but anytime I cried out, one of my parents would wrap me up in a strong, safe hug and I would drift back to sleep quickly.

**7**

**Author's Note:** Once again, thank you so much for sticking with me. I love my readers, those who comment and those who don't


	8. Truth's Cost

**Chapter 8: Truth's Cost**

**Claudia**

_October 2_

_The funeral was today. Most of the girls, except for Shannon and Abby (who had exams that they couldn't reschedule) showed up. Most of our families, excluding the little kids, showed up as well. It was heartbreaking._

I can't stand to write about it. I can't find the proper words to say aloud, so how am I supposed to be able to write them down? Writing has never been a strength of mine and even if it was, I don't think I'd be able to capture just how horrible the whole thing was.

I heard about the accident because my mom called me at work. Normally, I never get personal calls, so I took this one.

"Hello?"

"Claudia? It's Mom."

"Hi, Mom. What's going on?"

"Honey, there's been an accident."

I had almost fell to the floor. Luckily, I had enough strength to sit down heavily in a nearby chair. The whole world was spinning around me in a blur of color.

"Dad? Janine?"

"Oh, honey, no. Everyone in our family is fine. It's the Ramseys."

"Jessi?" I asked numbly.

"Her parents and her little brother died, Claudia."

"Mom, please _stop_. I'm at work. I can't hear this right now."

"Honey, your father is picking you up. I already talked to your boss and they're going to give you a sick day today."

"I don't _want_ it! Everything's fine!" I covered my eyes with my free hand. My face was clammy with sweat. I swallowed hard. "I'm not leaving!"

"Don't argue with me, Claudia," Mom said in such a gentle voice that I instantly felt the fight go out inside of me. My body actually drooped against the chair. "I don't want you to work today."

"OK," I agreed dully.

"I love you, Claudia."

"You, too, Mom."

I waited for my dad to pick me up.

The next week was a blur. My parents were scrambling every which way to help prepare for the Ramsey's funeral. I called work once to ask if I could come in and my boss told me not to worry, that I would be getting vacation pay. Just stay at home and rest, she said. It was going to be a rough week. Didn't anyone notice that I wanted to be at work _because_ it was going to be a terrible week? I needed some way to keep my mind away from it so that the sting of what had happened wouldn't hurt as badly.

The funeral wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be, but it certainly wasn't a picnic. I guess it probably wasn't as terrible as I expected because neither Jessi nor Becca came. They were both at the hospital (once Becca had stabilized, they moved her over to Stoneybrook so that they could be together) and probably would be for a while. Jessi was perking up a little bit and could eat a little solid food, but Becca was still in the coma that she had arrived at the hospital in.

Mom cried during the whole service because the Ramseys had grown pretty close to my family over the past few years. I still babysat for Squirt when I had some free time. Mom and Mrs. Ramsey were starting a special adolescent literature section at the library and the Ramseys came over to our house for dinner on a regular basis.

Dad was disturbingly stoic the entire time. I hated that. I didn't want for him to start bawling his eyes out, but a tear or at least a bit of sadness on his face would've been nice. I actually found myself feeling fear towards my father, something I have never felt this way in my entire life. It made me shake even more during the funeral and afterwards I rushed into my mother's arms for solace. I didn't admit that part of the need for comfort was the terror I felt from my father's rigid posture and cold gaze, like he wasn't attending the triple funeral of a beloved family of my own family's.

I know I cried during the service because my tears had stained the black silk skirt I had decided to wear. I hardly noticed until I tugged off when I got home. I didn't care, even though the skirt had cost nearly an entire week's pay and several lectures about the responsibilities I had now that I was in a full-time job. I threw it away as soon as we got home. I crumbled into a black garbage bag and walked the bag out to the large family garbage can, not letting it sit in my bedroom. I didn't want a reminder of that horrible day, especially a reminder as morbid as the clothing I was wearing to show that people had _died_. My mother never mentioned the disappearance of the expensive skirt that had no doubt given her an ulcer or two.

And, now, I sat beside Jessi Ramsey's bed as she struggled to eat the food that had been given to her. I say struggle because it took her a long time to eat anything… and because it was basically the most repulsive food we had ever seen.

"This is disgusting," Jessi murmured, stabbing her fork against what I assumed was meatloaf. We both cringed at the strange squishing sound it made. "How am I supposed to get any better when the food they give me isn't even edible?"

I shook my head wordlessly. Mom had told me before I left that Jessi didn't know about her parents and brother yet. She was still too medically fragile and the doctors were concerned that the stress of that news might make her worse. So, we had to keep telling her lies until the doctors gave us the go-ahead.

I nodded weakly. "Yeah. I don't think it's quite dead yet."

Jessi shoved the tray away. "That's it. There is no way I can eat this crap." My mind in another place, I absentmindedly laughed. I snapped back to attention when I realized how forced and strained my laughter really was. Jessi looked at me curiously, then set her fork carefully onto her tray. "Claudia, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting so strange?"

I shrugged my shoulders helplessly. "I don't know what to say."

"Just _talk_ to me!" she said, louder than I had heard her speak while in the hospital. I flinched away from her and almost got to my feet so that I could leave the room. She paused to catch her breath. "I'm sorry, but this is so _frustrating_. Everyone keeps coming in to see me and nobody says anything at all. It's like everyone's scared of me or something."

_Or something._

"No, Jessi. I just didn't want to upset you."

She nodded slowly, then pushed her tray away so that she could lean back against her pillows. "I'm getting better. Besides, _you_ weren't the one in the car accident. I should worry about upsetting you with all of this hospital garbage."

"Sorry…"

She sighed. "If that's all you're going to say, can you please leave? I'd rather be alone."

Without warning, I felt my nose and cheeks start stinging and dropped my head so that I was looking firmly at my lap. Hot, wet tears splashed from my eyes and landed on my jeans. They made dark puddles. Jessi noticed immediately.

"Oh, God. Claudia, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I _want_ you to be here. Just stop tiptoeing around me. I'm not a baby or anything."

I looked up into her eyes and saw they were much calmer than I felt. I shook my head, suddenly overwhelmed with the pressure of the situation. "Jessi… I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

I stood abruptly, shoving the chair back from the bed. I ignored the shaking in my legs. "This. Talking to you. I can't right now."

Jessi's eyes narrowed. She sat up straight and even though I could tell it was painful for her, remained upright. "What's going on?"

"Please, Jessi." I grabbed my coat from where I had draped it on the end of her bed. My fingers were shaking so badly that I nearly dropped it onto the floor. "I have to go."

"You know something."

I stood, trembling and trying to choke back my tears, my back to her. I wanted to run from the room, but legs wouldn't work. My body was slowly growing hotter and weaker. Maybe I was coming down with something.

"Claudia, you have to tell me," Jessi pleaded. I didn't move. I couldn't move. "Do you know something about my family? They haven't told me _anything_."

I turned around to look back at her and almost immediately the trembling in my own body seemed to pass to hers. Without a word, I seemed to have conveyed the secret that everyone had been keeping. Jessi sat there trembling for a moment before she gasped to suck in air. She collapsed backwards against her pillows, clearly defeated.

"Oh, my God," she moaned loudly, her hands flying up to cover her face. "_God_!"

"Jessi," I whispered, tearing running freely down my face. "God, Jessi, I'm so sorry."

The monitors around her bed began to shriek at us as Jessi continued to sob heavily. I felt somebody rush past and was immediately pushed up against the far wall. My elbow struck first and a rush of tingling pain shot through my arm. I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out.

"Jessi, calm down, sweetheart," a female doctor said to her. One of the nurses who had rushed into the room glanced at one of the machines Jessi was hooked up to.

"Her blood pressure is climbing."

"Give her two milligrams of Ativan," the doctor instructed. She seemed to notice me. "_What_ did you say to her?"

"Nothing," I whispered through my tears. Jessi began to struggle against the two nurses holding her to the bed.

"_Mama_! Where's my mom? Tell me what happened to her!"

"Out!" the doctor yelled, pointing at me.

The nurse who took my arm didn't need to have bothered. I almost ran from the room anyways, so all the nurse did was shut the door quickly behind me. I leaned against the wall next to Jessi's room listening and waiting. After a short time, Jessi's cries settled down and finally tapered off completely. Her door swung open and I found myself facing the doctor who was treating her. Dr. Labrinski.

I shook my head violently. "I don't know what happened! Did I _kill_ her? Tell me she's all right!"

"What did you tell her?"

"Nothing," I insisted, sobs finally breaking from my throat. "I didn't tell her anything."

"Well, you sure as hell got her upset." She got right up into my face, but I managed not to back away. I couldn't stop my shaking or the heaving sobs that were tearing through my body. "I don't want to see _you_ in that room again."

"She's my friend!"

"And, some friend you'll be if she goes into heart failure because her blood pressure shoots through the roof again." She jabbed a finger at me and I staggered backwards in unexplainable fear. "I mean it, stay out."

All I could do was nod. "I'm sorry."

"Just leave, please."

**8**

"Claudia, I am so sorry that happened," Stacey told me over the phone. She had gone back to school as soon as the funeral was over. "I can't believe that nobody has told her. You should've said _something_."

"I practically told her everything," I said. My hands were starting to tremble again. I shoved the one not holding the phone to my ear underneath my butt to hold it still. "I started crying and she just _knew_. I almost killed her."

"Claud, no. First of all, if she's that fragile, visitors shouldn't be allowed in. I should know- I've been in the hospital loads of times." I smiled weakly. "And, secondly, Jessi has every right to know. She should've been aware that her parents and brother were buried yesterday, not kept in the dark about it."

"That's easy for you to say, Stace. You didn't see her."

"I would've told her."

"I almost gave her a heart attack!" I screamed suddenly.

There was a long pause where both of us breathed hard to try and catch our breaths and composures. Finally, Stacey cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Claudia. I really am."

"Stacey, I'm tired. Do you mind if we hang up now?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," I answered honestly. "I'm just tired."

"All right, then. I hope tomorrow goes better."

I forced a laugh. "Jumping right back into work."

"I never said_ good_, I just said better."

"Thanks, Stace."

"Call me _anytime_, all right? Anytime you need me."

"I will. Goodnight."

"Love you," she replied and hung up before I could say anything else. I lay still on my bed for a few minutes before the tears began again.

"Mom?" I called, not moving from my bed. I was scared the trembling would make me fall over. "Mom?"

Footsteps came hurrying up the stairs and my mother opened the door. "Claudia, what is it?"

I sat up. "I'm scared that you're going to die," I blurted out.

Before I knew it, my mom was sitting on my bed and had pulled me into her arms. I clung desperately, my body shaking with sobs. I had never been as emotional as I was now and that made my terror even worse. I tried to hide it from my mother by burying my face against her shirt. She smoothed my hair with her hand, cooing gently like she would had she been holding an infant. It was soothing, in a strange, almost embarrassing way.

"I know you are, sweetheart, but you can't worry like that."

"Why not?" I mumbled against her shirt.

"Because you'll never enjoy life or any person if you're always waiting for death or tragedy to strike." Sometimes, I can really understand why people say my mother is so brilliant. I tightened our hug. "But, you can't always be brave, either. If you can't appreciate pain and sorrow for what they are, you'll never really understand love and joy either."

"You sound like a book of proverbs."

She pulled away from me and pulled my chin up so that I was looking into her face. I snuffled loudly, but she didn't seem to care or notice. "Why do you think people read them, Claudia?"

"I don't know anymore. I don't care." I snuggled into my mother's lap and squeezed my eyes shut tight to hold back tears. Her gentle hands were making comforting circles on my back now and I suddenly felt exhausted. "I just want to sleep."

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?"

"You would?"

"Of course. I love you."

My mother helped me get into my pajamas since my overworked brain couldn't seem to make my muscles agree with me anymore. Then, she arranged the bed so that we both could snuggle under the covers. A lot of tiny throw pillows (one of my latest obsessions and hobbies) found their way onto the ground in the process. Since she was closer, my mother flicked off the lamp next to my bed.

"It's only 8:30," I murmured softly.

My mother kissed my forehead. "You need rest now, honey. Just go to sleep."

At least, that's what I think she said. I was asleep almost instantly after I had complained about the early hour.


	9. Don't Breathe Too Deep

**Chapter 9: Don't Breathe Too Deep**

**Kristy**

_October 14_

_Life is ducky. College fun. I like the freedom. Will update later._

Normally, I love keeping a diary and I normally love being completely honest in my diary. So, I basically just trashed two things I personally love.

Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. My roommate wasn't a horrible beast or anything, but she was definitely not my best friend. In fact, we almost never saw one another. Only at bedtime, when we both getting ready to sleep or when we were scrambling around to get ready in the morning.

School wasn't too bad. I had a sinking suspicion that I wasn't doing that great in my environmental science course, but I was doing all right in the rest of them. It wasn't a class that mattered very much to my major anyways. Physical therapists don't really need to know much about volcanic eruptions and igneous rocks, do they?

And, ever since the accident with the Ramsey family, it's been hard to get through the day. Mallory calls me every single night now, which is way up from the one letter she had sent before (which all the Pike kids signed and wrote their own notes to me on). She's almost always close to tears and the littlest things set her off. If I mentioned Mary Anne, she starts wailing about what a horrible best friend she's been. If I mention my family, she cries about how Jessi has lost almost her whole family. Nothing I can say is right, but I know if I hang up too soon, she feels abandoned and a lot more scared that she was before she called me.

I put my diary away (along with its pathetic 4 sentence entry) underneath my pillow. I knew that my roommate knew where it was and I had seen her pull a tattered old notebook from her underwear drawer a number of times. Since both of us kept a diary, there seemed to be a kind of mutual respect for privacy between us.

Then, I stared out the window. Loads of happy people passed on the walkway below our dorm like they haven't a care in the world. Realistically, I know that isn't true, but something keeps gnawing at me that says that they don't know what it's like being in my shoes. So, I sighed and leaned my chin onto the windowsill, feeling uncharacteristically pessimistic.

When the door to my room slammed open, I almost jumped out of my skin. The intruder took a quick look around the room as I slid back onto my bed, then flipped on the lights. I instinctively covered my eyes.

"And, now you're sitting alone in the dark? Girl, we have got to get you out of this room!"

I shook my head, though I knew it wasn't going to do much good. Everyone always accuses me of being bossy and headstrong, but Mia easily won the bossy crown any day of the week. Standing at a lofty 5'10" (I never even cracked 5'2"), Mia is easily one of the most gorgeous girls I know. Her hair is a rich, coffee brown, her eyes a sparkling deep chestnut, and her skin a completely blemish-free light brown. Not only is she gorgeous, but, like Stacey, she grew up in New York City and has more attitude than most of the other girls can handle. Except me. I do love a good challenge.

"Turn the lights off," I moaned. "You're frying my retinas."

"No can do," Mia replied, gracefully easing herself onto the edge of my bed. "You need to get out."

"I don't feel like it." I pretended to be studying my comforter to avoid looking straight at her.

"Come on. You haven't gone at all since your friend died."

I looked up sharply. "My friend's _family_ died. She's still alive, but her parents and her little brother are dead."

"Is sitting in the dark alone going to bring them back?" Mia asked, getting directly to the point. Normally, I like people who say what they mean. This was one topic that I would rather just continually beat around the bushes.

I stood up. "What are you suggesting?"

"I am suggesting that we get ourselves dolled up and go out on the town. Get some booze. Get a smile back on your face."

I shook my head. "We're not 21."

"We'll go to a party where nobody cares," Mia retorted instantly. She grabbed my hand. "Kristy, you're going to ruin your whole college experience by moping around in a tiny, dark dorm room." She frowned. "Unless you're one of those weird English majors."

"Still physical therapy," I replied.

"Good. Now, come _on_. For me?"

I couldn't help but smile and once I smiled, I had to laugh. I shook my head. "All right, but I don't think I have anything to wear to parties."

"Just find something nice," Mia replied, already rushing from my room to get dressed.

I walked to my closet and stared. I didn't have anything to wear to a party like the one Mia was suggesting. I selected a pair of dark blue jeans. They were kind of hip. At least, I had bought them this season and I knew they were what other people were probably buying. I started to take out one of my nicer button down shirts (the only kind of dressier clothing I owned) before hesitating. Mia might think I was mocking her by wearing that. So, instead, I pulled out a black men's undershirt that fit nicely and that I usually wore under sweatshirts. I tugged on my new pair of high-tops and finger combed my hair back into a ponytail.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I was making the effort, even if I knew I wouldn't quite cut it.

Mia burst in as I started to settle onto my bed for more people watching. "You're wearing _that_?"

"Shut up about what I'm wearing and I'll go out," I warned. Mia pretended to zip her lips and tucked the key carefully in her pocket. I laughed. "Fine, let's go."

We walked for at least a mile before arriving at what looked like a run down, three story house. I stared up at it with a kind of disbelief.

"Mia, this place is a dump."

"They serve those of us who are under 21," she reminded me, grabbing onto my elbow to keep me from walking away. "And, I haven't said one word about the horrible shirt, so you have to come in."

"You just complained!"

"Too late, we're already here!" she laughed, dragging me up the front steps and into the house.

Very loud, very bad music immediately assaulted my ears and a red plastic cup filled with beer was shoved into my hands. I looked down at it in surprise.

"First drink's on the house," the guy at the door said. "After that, you gotta get your own booze."

"Don't worry," Mia shouted. "I'll buy tonight."

"I'm not drinking tonight," I tried to tell her, but she was already waving and smiling at people I assumed where friends of hers. I raised the cup to my mouth after about 10 minutes of being ignored and nearly choked on it. Mia turned to me in surprise.

"What?"

"This is disgusting!"

"Finish it and I'll get you something that isn't gross."

It wasn't a very reassuring comment.

So, I finished the beer and, true to her word, Mia bought me some kind of fruity mixed drink with what I believe was rum in it. I couldn't even taste the alcohol, which I figured was a very good thing. I drank it quickly and started on another drink, this one a lime green color. My face was starting to get warm.

"Mia, I think I'm getting drunk," I said.

"That's what we're here to do," she laughed and tossed back a straight shot of vodka. The boys standing around us cheered and she waved her arms to encourage them to cheer louder. I watched for a moment, then turned to the bartender.

"Can I have one of those?"

The guy behind the counter studied me for a moment. "Have you ever had a straight shot before?"

"No, but I think I can handle it."

"Most people puke it right back out again," he warned me, pouring some of the clear liquid into a shot glass. I grabbed it from his hand and tossed it back into my mouth.

It burned. It burned my mouth, down my throat, and finally into my stomach. I clenched my teeth together and shut my eyes, willing myself not to throw it right back up and after a minute, I reopened them. The boys around Mia and I cheered loudly and Mia wrapped her arm around me.

"And, there's our little party animal! Get her another shot!"

**9**

_Ring._

I shoved my hands over my ears. Nobody I knew would be calling me at this ungodly hour.

_Ring._

I squinted at the clock. It was three in the afternoon.

I immediately jerked upright, dragging the alarm clock with me.

"I slept through my classes," I moaned. _Ring._ "Oh, God, all right. Hello?"

"Kristy?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"It's me." I made absolutely no connection. "Your sister. Karen. Remember me?"

"Oh, God, Karen. Sorry. Why are you calling?"

She didn't respond right away. I could tell I had pissed her off, but my head was really starting to throb.

"I just wanted to talk to you," she said, her voice absolutely icy.

_Ice would be a good thing right now._

"I'm sorry. I'm not really awake yet," I told her and stumbled out of bed. The room swam for a moment and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

"Kristy, it's three in the afternoon! Don't you have morning classes?"

"I didn't feel well," I lied. Karen waited. "Stomach thing."

"I know when you're lying to me, but I don't really think I want to know the truth."

"Karen, come on."

"You know, I just wanted to ask you something, but if you're 'sick,' maybe I should wait until you feel better."

I paused in my attempt to start changing myself out of my previous night's clothes and into some fresh ones. "Karen, I am sick."

"No, you're hung over. Don't think I'm an idiot. I know what a hang over sounds like."

"How would you know that?" I demanded.

"Whatever, Kristy. I'll talk to you later."

"No, wait, Karen."

But, she had already hung up. I swore as I hung up my phone and looked around the messy, dark dorm room. I scratched at the back of my head, then bent over to retrieve a more comfortable pair of sweatpants. There wasn't really any point in getting dressed up. Since I had missed my classes for the day, I might as well just wear sweats, like I usually do on weekends.

Then, I decided to check up on my AIM messages.

**bklver4eternity (10:14 am):** Just wanted to call to check up on you. Jessi is doing all right.

**kristykicksass2 (3:15 pm): **Sorry, I've just been busy at classes, how come you didn't go to school today?

**bklver4eternity (3:22 pm): **I brought my lap top to Jessi's room so that I can watch over her.

**kristykicksass2 (3:27 pm): **What about school?

**Bklver4eternity: (3:31 pm): **The teachers are sending all of my homework with the triplets and I keep up at home or the hospital.

I hesitated. Even before she had decided to go to boarding school, Mallory loved the challenge of school. She loved the work for just about every class, even if she tried valiantly to disguise her love from us "cooler" members of the BSC. I didn't know how I felt about a Mallory who didn't seem to care much.

**kristykicksass2 (3:45 pm):** All right. Just as long as you're happy.

**Bklver4eternity: (3:46 pm):** I'm not happy. I'm just trying to be a good friend.

**Bklver4eternity: (3:46 pm):** I have to go. Jessi's awake.

**Bklver4eternity: (3:47 pm):** Bye.

I dutifully put up an away message so that nobody would think I was online anymore. I closed the lid of my laptop and crawled back into my bed. I was hung over and exhausted. I figured spending the day in bed might be the best thing for to do right now.

Just before I sunk into sleep, Karen's face flashed in my mind. I suddenly recalled how her voice had sounded, frightened almost, and drifted into an uncomfortable, unrestful sleep.


	10. Me and Mrs Jones

**Chapter 10: Me and Mrs. Jones**

**Abby**

_October 20_

_Dear Kristy,_

_I figured I'd write you a quick note since we haven't talked in forever and a minute. Not to mention the fact that I know you are completely smitten with me (and, I with you) and it would just be plain, old cruel not to allow you to have some Abby-lovin'. Even if it is only through my pen and some paper…_

I finished writing my letter to Kristy and sealed it tightly closed with some heavy duct tape that I bought just for occasions such as these. I drew some smiley faces over the silvery duct tape in black sharpie and put the letter on the edge of my desk so that I wouldn't forget to mail it.

What really inspired the letter was the last phone call Kristy and I had together. She called me at nearly midnight about a week or so ago, completely drunk and completely weepy. Now, if I had to guess any of my high school friends to be weepy drunks, I'd probably pick Stacey or Mary Anne. Not Kristy. I always pictured Kristy as being the kind of drunk who tried to make out with anyone near her, then would punch them in mouth if they said no.

But, of course, that wasn't the way it happened. It went more like this:

**Me:** Hello?

**Kristy:** (sobsob)

**Me:** What the heck?

**Kristy:** (sobsnifflesob)

**Me:** Kristy, you really ought to lay off the sauce before going to bed.

**Kristy:** (hiccough)

**Me: **OK, good. Glad we've settled that.

**Kristy**: (snoresnore)

**Me:** TTYL.

More or less, of course. Maybe I got a few little details wrong, but that's basically how it went. Once I hung up, I followed Kristy's suggestion and got some snoresnore myself.

Seriously, though, I was worried. Kristy wasn't exactly stoic (I've been at the receiving end of some of her less than stoic rage), but she had never really been the one to drunk call people and sob their ears off. I was really worried when I finally got off the phone with her and had trouble sleeping that night.

Everyone has been absolutely devastated by the Ramsey's car accident, but since I don't really know or talk to Jessi that much, it wasn't as hard on me as it was on the other girls. I felt guilty at first when my world didn't seem to crumble in on itself like Mallory's or even Kristy's. After a few sleepless nights and a number of phone calls to my mom and Anna, I told myself to straighten up. I wasn't that close to Jessi and, as horrible as what happened to her was, I just couldn't let the world end.

Kristy's grief, on the other hand, _was_ something I had to worry about. She was devastated and I couldn't figure out _why_, exactly. Maybe she and Jessi were a lot closer than Jessi and I, but I had never known Kristy to be best friends or anything with Jessi. Maybe she was blaming herself, though I couldn't imagine why. Somehow, even though Mom tried to tell me to let it go, I had to play detective and get to the bottom of this, one letter at a time.

"Abby!"

I screamed in a very dramatic, and convincing, if I do say so myself, fashion and pretended to swoon. I immediately regretted that decision when I landed awkwardly on my arm and felt it throb below me.

"I hope you hurt yourself this time," my charming roommate said dryly.

I let my eyes flutter open, once more very dramatically. "You frightened me."

"Get up," Amanda Henesy groaned as I heard her sink down onto the chair at her desk. I complied halfway and sat up. "Do you want to go to dinner with us?"

"Who's us?" I asked.

"Me, Lynn, Tyra, and Stef."

"Ah, the girls." I considered for a moment. "Can we go to McGill's?"

"I thought you hated McGill's."

"I do. I want to make fun of the food."

Amanda shook her head. "Oh, no. Not _that _again."

"Puh-_lease_?"

"No, Abby." She glanced at me from her laptop. "Last night was too gross. You don't get to eat with me if you're going to make jokes about puke."

"Cat vomit," I retorted. I began to examine my arm. No obvious damage. "I said the taco pizza looked like cat vomit. You know, because of all the little red and greens chunks? And, let's not even start on the tapioca pudding incident."

"_Agreed_," Amanda said quickly. "Let's not."

"Well, where are you going to eat dinner?"

Amanda chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "I don't know if I want to tell you."

"Please, Amanda. It would do my broken arm some good."

"First of all, your arm isn't broken. Second, if it is broken, you deserve it." I let out a grunt of disproval, but shut up at the acidic glare she shot me. "Third, I don't want you making gross jokes even before we get to there."

"I won't. I promise."

"Yeah…" Amanda began typing quickly for a moment, then flipped the lid down on her laptop. "We're going to Taco Bell."

I cackled. Allow me remind everyone that a cackle is really hard to perfect. I've spent many hours standing in front of my mirror, laughing like a maniac before truly perfecting my craft. Amanda groaned.

"_Abby_!"

"OK, fine! I won't make jokes about the food."

"Or, the cashiers." I nodded. "Or, the people making the food." I shrugged. "Or, the bathrooms."

"Amanda, don't say that! I have to have something to live for!"

She raised her eyebrows. "You are a sad, sick little girl."

"Well, yes, but still."

"You can make one joke," she conceded.

"Three."

"Two, and after that, we gag and tie you up and leave you on the side of the highway," she bargained. I considered.

"That sounds reasonable."

"All right. Grab your jacket."

I climbed slowly to my feet as Amanda tugged her sweatshirt down over her head. I could feel her watching me as I groaned and panted my way upright. I half expected her to throw something at me, but after the lava lamp incident, Amanda has been considerably more reluctant to throw things at my head.

"Go on ahead. I'm feeling weak and tired."

"God, Abby. You're impossible," she groaned as she left the room to gather up the other girls. I smiled.

"Mission accomplished."

**10**

"I can't believe you told that joke," Amanda hissed at me once we got back to the room.

"That woman could've braided her pit hair," I whispered back. Amanda let out a little scream before clapping her hands over her ears.

"Stop! For the love of God and all that is sacred and holy, _stop_!"

"Well, since you asked so nicely," I agreed.

Let me explain a few things.

Amanda doesn't really hate me, even though she has threatened to tie my hair to the ceiling fan while I sleep. We have a real love-hate relationship. Basically, I love her and she pretends to hate me. Most of our friends think it's a riot, so we keep the act going out of respect for them. Sometimes, like late at night or first thing in the morning, we behave like normal people, but we're mostly living like the Odd Couple.

I flung myself halfway onto my bed, letting my hips down dangle from the edge of the bed. I heard Amanda climb up onto her bed and knew she was sitting cross-legged, a book in her hands. I sighed.

"Are we going to do something tonight?" I asked, my voice muffled by the lime green goodness of my comforter. I heard Amanda clear her throat.

"I don't think so," she replied. "Why? Are you bored already?"

"No, I like smothering myself with my comforter," I answered.

"You're not the only one," she murmured quietly and I let myself slide off the bed, down onto the floor. She gave me an expectant look.

"You're going to kill me in my sleep, aren't you?" I asked, raising my voice with every word. Amanda shook her head.

"Don't be ridiculous." I sighed with relief. "I hired a hit man."

"Why do you hate me?"

"Why do you torture me?"

I shrugged. "I must not be getting enough homework."

"Shut up and let me read," Amanda retorted.

I crawled over to my bookshelf and selected one of the texts I had to read from. _Modern Russian Culture_ or something. I didn't really read the texts. I mostly just looked at the pictures.

"Do you think I'm retarded?"

"Please don't make me answer that," Amanda replied, not taking her eyes off her book.

I huffed and puffed my way back to my bed and slithered back on top of it. In contrast to Amanda's simple, pristinely made bed in shades of sensible brown, my bed was a nest of green (in the awe inspiring shade of lime I mentioned before) and purples. I just couldn't bring myself to match my sheets and pillow cases to my comforter and figured the overall blinding effect of the two colors would make people back off when I was trying to sleep. Thus far, it's been a successful campaign.

I cracked open the book and thumbed my way to chapter 14. Just as I was_ really_ getting into Russian economics, the room phone rang. I let it ring a second time before looking over at Amanda. She shook her head slightly.

"After you gave our number to Smelly Peter, I'm screening."

"Smelly Peter loves you," I replied. "He wants you to have his babies."

"Answer the phone, Abby."

I reached over to my nightstand and plucked the phone from its base. "Cat Liver Emporium, this is Arnold speaking."

"Hello, Abby," my mother replied calmly.

"Mommy!" I gasped and flopped backwards onto my pillows. "Hi!"

"Hello, sweetie. How are you doing?"

"Good. I mean, Amanda keeps threatening to stick my face in a blender, but otherwise, I'm peachy keen."

"That's nice. Tell her I said hello."

"My mother says you're an evil bitch," I told Amanda. She smirked.

"Hello, Mrs. Stevenson!" she called back.

"Sweet girl," my mother said. "Unlike some other college girls I could think of."

"Aw, Mom. Don't play favorites. Anna can't help the warts."

"I've been dating your high school gym teacher."

I nearly dropped the phone in shock. For once, I was completely speechless. Normally, I would've thought up some witty retort and kept the conversation going, but my mom sounded completely serious. I swallowed a couple of times, then coughed.

"What? I thought you just said you were giving Mr. Allen a little sugar, but I must be mistaken," I replied when I could. Amanda shot me a surprised look and rested her book on her lap. "Are you sure you're my mother?"

"After 20 hours of labor, I know I'm your mother," she replied. "Don't be so horrified, Abby. I'm a grown woman who hasn't had a real date in nearly 11 years."

"Well, I agree that you deserve some action, but Mr. Allen?"

"We get along really well and I think it might be getting kind of serious."

"Is this why I got all A's in gym class?"

Mom laughed. I didn't.

"I thought you should know. I didn't want it to be a big surprise when you came home this weekend." _Right_, I thought. _Fall break_. "Besides, I didn't want Anna to tell you before I did."

"You already told Anna?"

"I just got off the phone with her." My mother paused. "Are you upset?"

"That Armageddon has finally come?"

"_Abby_."

"Mom, I've got to go."

"Honey, just hear me out."

"No, really. I have reading to do." I shoved my book towards the end of my bed with my feet. "Besides, I don't want to hear about your lurid affairs with my P.E. teacher."

"Abby, Dad's been dead for years."

"Yeah, and you don't see _him_ making out with anyone!" I snapped. "Bye, Mom."

I didn't let her say anything else. I turned the phone off, then pulled the cord out from the wall. Amanda watched me silently as I did so and as I flopped onto my side, facing the wall.

"Are you all right?" she finally asked.

"Sure, wonderful. Besides my mother giving booty to the man who used to scream at us to climb the rope hanging from the ceiling faster, I'm_ brilliant_."

I heard my roommate get out of her bed. I pictured her standing uneasily between our beds.

"You're upset," she said.

"Leave me alone."

"Abby, you can talk to me," she pressed. I rolled over and sat up in record time.

"No, I can't! You have no idea what I'm going through right now!" I shouted. She paled a little, but managed not to back away.

"If you told me, I'd know."

I stood up, glared at her, then marched over to my desk where I had draped my jacket over the back of the chair.

"Forget it," I snapped. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Where are you going?" I looked at her. She looked like she wanted to reach out and hug me or something. I felt a rush of hatred surge through me.

"Don't follow me, all right? I want to be alone."

I stormed out the door and was relieved when she didn't come running after me, trying to drag me back into the dorm room. In my pocket, my cell phone started to ring. I pulled it out and saw my mother's name on the display screen. I waited for it to stop ringing, then turned it off.

It would've been nice to go one day without a personal disaster.


	11. When Life Before is Only a Memory

**Chapter 11: When Life Before Is Only A Memory**

**Jessi**

_October 31_

_Halloween. It's always been my favorite holiday. Now… I don't even care anymore._

Anna the therapist comes in to talk to me everyday. I do mean talk _to_ me. I never answer her and most of the time I don't even look at her. I look out the window, down at the hospital blanket that covers me whenever I'm in bed, at the wall painted with happy animals and children's handprints. I don't care if it hurts her feelings, either. I stopped caring the day I found out my family was gone.

Anna and the rest of the doctors that have been "helping" me by making it a point to tell me at least once a day that this wasn't my fault. I had nothing to do with this, that it was an accident that nobody could've prevented.

I pretend to fall asleep so that they'll leave me alone. I'm not stupid. I know it was an accident, but… it was also my fault.

It was my idea to go out that after to the mall. Daddy had taken a half day to take Squirt in for a doctor's appointment (a checkup since he had been having a lot of ear infections lately), Mama was home early, and neither Becca nor I had any plans. The whole family was together and it was _my_ idea to go to the mall. _Mine_.

I don't tell the doctors how I started to scream when the truck that was easily twice the size of our economy family car started to swerve. I was in the front passenger seat because Daddy was teaching me how to drive and he liked to have me sit next to him while he told me everything he was doing. I especially don't mention how after I screamed, I tried to grab the wheel to pull us out of harm's way. Daddy had tried to straight the car out after I got one of my hands on it and before anyone knew what was happening, we slammed right into the truck.

Becca's still in the coma, the doctors say, but they're hopeful that she'll come out of it just fine. They keep asking me if I want to see her and I always say no, I don't. Maybe they're hopeful, but I'm not because I know the truth about what happened.

I killed my family.

**11**

"How are you feeling today?" Mallory asked.

She's the only one of my friends that has come back over and over again. Her face has grown thinner, like she hasn't bothered to eat. I feel guilty about what this is doing to her, but I need her. She's the only tie to sanity and reality that I have left.

I shrugged. "Tired, mostly. They're taking me off the morphine."

"All at once?" Mallory asked in horror. "Won't that kill you?"

"No, they're doing it gradually."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I looked at her and Mallory's face warmed into the gentle glow she had now reserved for me only. At least, I used that as a way to comfort myself.

"How is Vanessa?" I asked.

Vanessa had been with Mallory when I called her. She had to calm Mallory down until their mother got to where they had been resting. From what I've been told, Mallory nearly had a nervous breakdown when she first got to the hospital that evening. I don't even remember making the call, but apparently that's typical, Anna says. I don't think she knows much of what she's talking about.

"She's doing a lot better than she has been for, like, the past two years," Mallory replied. She looked down at her fingernails and began studying them. "She says she wants to go back to school again."

"Really?" Mallory nodded. "Why?"

"She says she feels like she's missing out on something important while she's at home."

I nodded. "She is."

"Yeah."

We were silent for a while longer before I heard Mallory sniffle. I frowned in my surprise- the whole time I've been hospitalized, I've never seen her cry. Maybe she's been pale and sickly looking, but she always manages to look firm and strong in front of me. I reached out my hand towards her and she took it immediately.

"Why are you crying?" I asked.

"I _miss_ you," she said, her voice choked with tears. I laughed. It sounded horrible.

"I'm right here."

Mallory shook her head and finally looked up at my face. I felt my own eyes start to well at the sight of her face. She swallowed roughly and squeezed my hand even tighter. I wanted to pull away from her, tell her that she was hurting me, but I didn't. I couldn't.

"At school." Mallory shook her head violently. "Everyone acts like you're _dead_. They keep saying things like they're starting to forget about you."

"Already?"

She began to cry in earnest now and I started to cry with her.

"My English teacher is hounding me about getting homework done on time. He acts like he's forgotten where I go every day after school. He told me I should go to the nurse because I look_ sick_."

"I'm sorry." I really was. Mallory didn't deserve this.

"Everyone acts like I should get over this." She sobbed for a moment before she could go on. "You're still _alive_! Why can't they _understand that_? Why can't they _understand_ why I need to be with you?"

"I love you so much," I whispered hoarsely and pulled my hand from hers. She looked at me with hurt in her eyes until I spread out my arms. Mallory immediately wrapped her arms around me and held on tightly. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," she whispered in return. "You're my best friend. You'd do the same for me."

It was in that moment that I realized what a selfish person I had become. I didn't know if I could have done the same for Mallory. I would've stopped coming everyday because I would've wanted to get back to dancing. I wouldn't have wanted something like this, as tragic as it was, to interfere with my busy, important life.

Maybe I would've forgotten about Mallory with a little bit of time.

I started sobbing against her shoulder and Mallory squeezed me tighter to her. "Don't cry," she said soothingly. Even through her tears, she was trying to comfort and protect me. "Please, Jessi."

She pulled away from me and sat back in her chair.

I couldn't stop crying. I just couldn't. It was my fault that my parents and my little brother were dead. It was my fault that I was killing my best friend with guilt. It was my fault that my little sister was probably never going to open her eyes again. Everything. Everything was _my_ fault.

I tried to stop crying, but every attempt I made only made the sobs come out harsher. My throat was burning up with tears and my body was shaking. Mallory sat there without saying anything, though her tears seemed to echo mine, but in a slower, more contained way. Why was it that she could keep things together and I couldn't?

I felt her hand slid up against mine and curl around it.

"Let it out, Jessi."

"Why did this happen?" I suddenly burst out in a scream. "Why is God doing this to me? What did I _do_?"

"Nothing, Jessi," Mallory whispered. "Nothing at all."

"I thought I was a_ good_ person," I sobbed. I could hear the calls from out in the hall. Nurses hurrying to get doctors. Grown-ups coming to make me be calm and silent once more. I had such a small window left to get some of this out of me. "_I_ killed them all, Mal!"

"Jessi, no."

"Then why is God letting me walk through this horrible place? He doesn't _love_ me anymore, does He?"

"I don't know," she sobbed bitterly. "I don't know anymore." She stood up and backed away from the bed. "Don't hurt her."

I saw one of the doctors uncapping a needle out of the corner of my eye and felt it prick through the skin on my upper arm. I whimpered at the sting and squeezed my eyes shut. Mallory was weeping openly again. Then, I felt warm, gentle arms wrap themselves around me. I slumped against a body that smelled pleasantly of soap and baby powder.

"It's all right, honey," the woman's whispered. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes to see her, but I thought I found her voice familiar. She was stroking my back and I cried into her shirt, not caring that I was making it wet. "You're safe."

"I just want my mama," I sobbed. "I want Mama!"

"I know, sweetheart."

As the drugs finally began to set in, the tears began to dry. I couldn't hear Mallory's sobs anymore and knew that someone had taken her away to comfort her. The woman continued to hold me long after the tears were gone. My mind was fuzzy with drugs when she finally settled me back against the pillows.

"Mrs. Brewer?"

She smiled and nodded. "Just rest, Jessi. Don't think anymore."

I swallowed and closed my eyes. Instantly, I was gone.

**11**

I heard them talking the next day. My aunt Cecelia, the doctors, a man I didn't recognize, and my newest visitor, Mrs. Brewer. I didn't know what they had to talk about, so I asked the nurse checking my vitals if she could leave my door open today. I strained my ears and managed to pick up some of the conversation.

"What's their status right now?" Kristy's mother asked.

"Do you mean did their parents leave behind a will?" a doctor asked in return.

Aunt Cecelia sighed. "They thought they were too young and healthy to make one."

"Since you've been living with the family since the girls were young and are a close blood relative, the girls would be left in your care," the man answered.

"I can't take care of them!" Aunt Cecelia, sounding very upset. I could tell she was struggling to try and find the right words because no matter what she said next would sound selfish. "With my arthritis, I can barely care for _myself _anymore. How can I take care of two very sick little girls?"

Normally, I would've resented the implications of that "little girls" made, but I didn't worry about it. I was too focused on figuring out what was going on.

"Then, they'd have to go to another relative."

"The rest of the family doesn't live around here."

"The girls would have to live where they've been growing up for most of their lives," Mrs. Brewer said calmly. "The disruption would hurt their healing. They need to be in a place where they are safe and that they are comfortable with."

"Then, what am I supposed to do?" Aunt Cecelia demanded. "Wait until Jessi's well enough to take care of both Rebecca and I before bringing her home?"

"Jessi couldn't do that," a doctor said. "Both girls are too medically fragile right now for that."

"What about our suggestion?" Mrs. Brewer asked. "Has anyone considered what my husband and I have purposed?"

"Adoption?" Aunt Cecelia asked.

Suddenly, I stopped listening to what they were saying. I didn't need to listen anymore. I had everything I needed to stop.

Were they serious? Would Kristy's parents seriously adopt Becca and I into their family? I chewed on my bottom lip. Did I even want them to?

The logical side of me reminded me that Kristy's family had a lot more money than anyone in our family and could probably take better care of us because of it. Kristy's grandmother, Nannie, lived with them and would be sure to take care of us while we were there.

The other part of me, the part of me that was beginning to take over, said no way. There was no way that I'd let someone else _adopt_ me. I had parents. I didn't need other people try and pretend that they were my mother and father. My real parents might be dead, but they were sure as hell _not_ going to be replaced.

"Lunch time!" a nurse called out as she walked into the room. I sat up straight.

"What are they talking about out there?" I demanded. The nurse looked surprised, but set down my tray calmly.

"I don't know, but it's probably nothing serious."

"You're lying."

"Eat your lunch, sweetheart."

Suddenly, my head went red with rage and hatred. I swung out and flung my tray against the wall. Hospital food smashed against the wall and the noise caught the attention of the adults outside my room.

"What's going on in here?" a doctor asked.

"_Fuck_ you!" I screamed. "I want out of here!"

He looked angry, but spoke with gentle words. "You're not strong enough yet. You need to calm down or else we'll have to give you something to calm you down."

"I'm _fine_! Why can't I be _angry_?"

"You can be angry, honey," Mrs. Brewer said. "But, you can't strain your body yet."

"Get out of my room!" I screamed again. I was probably making my throat raw with the screaming, but I no longer cared. "Get_ away_ from me!"

"Jessi, what's-"

"_You're not my mother!_"

I immediately felt ashamed. The moment the words left my mouth, Kristy's mom paled dramatically. I could tell that I had cut her deep, but I couldn't take it back and I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I turned to face the window.

"I'll go home for a while," Mrs. Brewer said softly and I refused to look at her. The doctors looked me over for a while, then finally left me alone with Aunt Cecelia. She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. I struggled to pull away from her, but she held tight.

"She's only wants to help us," she said sternly.

"_She does not!_"

"Do you think your parents would want to see you acting like this?" she hissed. "Like a spoiled little girl? Your parents didn't raise you to behave this horribly."

I wanted to scream again. I wanted to hit and claw her away from me. Instead, I slumped down in defeat, tears rushing down my cheeks again. Aunt Cecelia let go of my chin and I feel back against the pillows and covered my face with my hands, not caring that the action made my IV tube tug at my hand uncomfortably.

"I want to go home."

Aunt Cecelia sank down onto the bed and pulled my hands from my face. She took them in her own, even though I knew it hurt her to hold anyone's hands because of her arthritis. She was much gentler than she has been only seconds before and I felt the first connection to family that I had felt in weeks. She moved one of her hands to brush my hair away from my forehand. I closed my eyes.

"I know you do."


	12. Something Like Friends

**Chapter 12: Something Like Friends**

**Dawn**

_November 3_

_Dear Mary Anne,_

_Midterms have come and gone. We finally got all of our scores back and I was so relieved to see that not only did I pass everything, but I also did pretty well on most everything. Except physics, but who really cares about physics, anyways? It's not like anyone still uses physics._

_And, by the way, you might want to call my dad because I think I'll be going to prison soon for murdering my evil,__** evil**__ roommate…_

I like to humor myself by thinking that I'm a calm, levelheaded, accepting person, but when I met Patrice for the first time, I felt like a five year old. I wanted to kick and scream and force the university to give me a new roommate. Instead, I gritted my teeth and got through that first day without any bloodshed.

Patrice Armsteade is definitely not the kind of person that I would willingly live with. Ever. She might look a bit like me (blonde hair, blue eyes, slender), but that's basically where our similarities end. I doubt I could find a person less like me if I searched the entire country.

Patrice comes from an old New England family, the first of whom she claims came here by way of the _Mayflower_. She has ties all over the East Coast and loves to brag about her uncle who is Dean of Admissions at Yale or her brother-in-law who is practicing medicine through Princeton University. She also likes to brag about how she was accepted into most of the Ivy League schools, but chose to come to UCLA because she wanted to make her own way in the world.

With her parents money, of course.

Which, as Mary Anne has told me over and over again, I shouldn't say anything about. After all, my parents (and my stepparents) are paying for everything except my veggie pizzas and the occasional new pair of shoes I buy. Still, though, it just seems like Mary Anne and I are lucky to have hard-working, generous parents. Patrice is just a spoiled brat.

She almost never says a word to me now, too. After the first day when I told her that I was a liberal environmentalist, she clammed right up. Bethany, the girl who lives next door to us, told me that Patrice comes from a very conservative family and that Patrice was concerned that my "tendencies to be a feminist hippy" were compromising the lifestyle that she had grown up in and believed very strongly in. Patrice was worried that I was going to corrupt her.

As soon as I heard that, I was infuriated. As far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong with women saying and doing just as they please, no matter what those things are. I think it's old fashioned and, frankly, idiotic for men to try and control any aspect of a woman's life just because they think they're the "stronger" sex. Let them try to give birth and we'll see who the "stronger" sex really is.

Anyways, as I was putting the final touches on my letter to Mary Anne, who should walk into the room but feminism's enemy, my roommate. I carefully, and silently, folded up my letter and slid it into the envelope. Patrice dropped her books onto her bed quietly and pretended to straighten up her desk. It was already spotless.

I slid off my bed.

"I'm going to mail my letter," I told her coldly. Patrice looked up, pretending to look surprised. Her face went through a series of incredibly fast emotions before she nodded.

"Do whatever you want, Dawn." She sat down at her desk, her back facing me. "I'm going to work on a paper, so don't make any noise when you come back in."

_Bitch! Evil devil bitch!_

"Right."

I walked out of the room and shut the door behind me a little harder than was necessary. I imagined the surprised jump that Patrice gave when the door shut and smiled to myself. The girl had made me positively vindictive. I was going to need to do some yoga later to clean out all of the bad vibes.

"Dawn!"

I turned and grinned. Hurrying towards me was probably one of the cutest boys on campus. His name is Roger Donald and his game is looking fabulous of every minute of every day. Girls practically swooned when he smiled at them. Guys even looked blessed when he spoke to them.

Lucky me that I'm his best friend and the one girl who gets to spend the most time with him.

"Hey, Roger." He gave me one of his award winning smiles and I swooned a little bit inside. "What's going on?"

"Oh, not much. Just finished a paper for Stekzer's class." I groaned in sympathy. "It's done, at least."

"That man is going to be the death of my GPA," I declared.

"That man is going to be the death of _me_ if my parents see any of the grades he's been giving me," Roger shot back. He nodded at the letter in my hands. "What's that?"

"A letter to my stepsister."

"The evil one?" he asked with a grin.

"The evilest one." I looked straight ahead again. "Speaking of families, you haven't RSVPed yet."

"Oh, right."

I swallowed. _That_ wasn't a good phrase. "So, can you come to Thanksgiving at my dad's?"

"It's going to be weird," he said.

"Oh, come _on_, Roger. It's not like we're dating or anything. My dad won't give you the third degree or anything. You're my best friend, not my _boyfriend_."

Roger laughed. "You make a convincing argument."

"But, you're not coming."

He stopped walking and I halted, too. Roger grabbed one of my hands in his own and I smiled on reflex.

"Dawn, I want to come, but I don't know if I can get out of my own family's day of torture." He shrugged helplessly, then froze. I looked around.

"What?" I almost expected to see an elephant come stampeding towards us, the look of surprise on his face was so alarming.

"I've got the most _perfect_ idea," he said.

"Roger Donald, I will walk away right now if you don't stop being so damn cryptic."

"Come to my house."

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, _what_?"

"For Thanksgiving. There's no way I can get out of going to my family's dinner, but I'm certain they'd let me invite someone."

"You're inviting me to your house for Thanksgiving?" I asked stupidly.

"I just said it, didn't I?"

"Yes." I thought quickly. Dad probably wouldn't mind. He had Jeff, after all, and after the food, the boys would only sit around watch football anyways. It wasn't like I would be missing anything. "If you're sure your family will be OK with it."

"I will call them the moment I get back to my room," he offered and squeezed my hand. "Come on, Dawn. It'll be fun."

"Well, all right. Let me check with my dad."

Roger brought me into a quick, tight hug. He kissed my cheek before pulling away and I giggled like a fifth grader. I turned bright red with embarrassment.

"This is going to be amazing, Dawn Shafer," he said, pointing at me as he walked away. "We are going to make this the best Thanksgiving _ever_!"

"I don't eat meat!" I responded, once more failing to use whatever brain cells I hadn't burned off with my last blush.

"We shall serve you tofu!" he declared and, with that, ran to catch up with a few of his guy friends that were further down the path. I pressed my hand against my cheek.

"Oh, Dawn," I murmured. "What_ have_ you gotten yourself into this time?"

**12**

"No, Dad, I _told_ you. It's not that he doesn't want to meet you."

"You did invite him, right?" my dad asked. "And, he said no."

I groaned. Sometimes, my father could be the most annoying man on the face of the Earth. "Yes, Dad, but he couldn't get out of his family's meal."

"We were going to spend time together," my father complained.

"Only while we ate. You and Jeff always go and watch football afterwards."

"It's _tradition_, Sunshine."

The _nickname_. My father was pulling the big guns now.

"I'll see you the next day."

"You're spending _the night_ at his house?"

_Danger, Will Robinson, danger!_

"Dad! He lives close to campus! I'm going back to my room after dinner!"

"Why aren't you coming back home instead?"

"It's an hour's drive!" I moaned. "I don't want to drive that late at night."

"How late are we talking?"

"Dad, I'm eighteen years old!" I snapped. "I'm not a baby anymore. I can make my own decisions."

"Dawn, I don't like that tone of voice."

"You're just angry because I want to spend time with a _guy I like_ instead of with _you_!"

I almost dropped the phone in shock. Had I really just said that? Dad was still under the impression that Roger was my friend, only my friend. I could feel my face start to break into a sweat and felt my palms grow cold. My throat constricted and my vision blurred.

Not really, but it would've been an appropriate physical reaction, right?

"There's the honesty," Dad said. With a _chuckle_. I almost sighed in relief. "Why didn't you just _say_ that you're interested in Roger?"

"Dad, you're confusing me."

"I'm confusing myself," he admitted. There was a sudden crash in the background and my father swore. "Daisy, get down! _No!_ Bad girl!"

"What's she doing now?"

"She's trying to pull the curtains down from the living room windows," my dad said. "Dawn, I've got to call you back after I kill this creature."

"Animal cruelty!" I protested as I heard our cocker spaniel bark angrily at my father then heard the sound of little claws scampering away across the kitchen floor.

"We'll talk later," Dad said and hung up.

I shook my head. I really, really,_ really_ did not understand my family sometimes.

**12**

I didn't bother to knock as I entered my dorm room. I never did because Patrice never bothered to. It didn't matter anymore if we embarrassed one another by not knocking. It was revenge for so many untold wrongs between the two of us.

This time, however, I really wished I had behaved like an adult and knocked before I entered the room. Perhaps I wouldn't have caught my roommate like she was if I had.

She was sitting in the middle of the room, on my orange and red area rug, tears coursing down her cheeks. She looked up at me with an expression of fright, but didn't try to get to her feet. I shut the door quickly behind me, leaning my back against it so that I was still looking at her.

"What happened?" I ventured, almost hoping she would tell me it was none of my business. She shook her head and stared down at the ground. After a moment, she let out a sob and clapped her hands over her face. I squatted down in front of her. "Patrice?"

"It's my parents!" she moaned. My heart skipped. _ Jessi_.

"Are they alive?" I asked fearfully. She looked up.

"Of course they are," she snuffled, looking annoyed. Seeing the horrified look on my face, her own softened. "They're getting divorced."

"Thank God," I moaned and sank down to sit in front of her.

"What do you _mean_?" she asked. "How can you _say_ that?"

I held up my hands quickly, sensing danger in the outrage clearly coursing through her. "No, that's not what I meant. My friend Jessi just lost her parents in a car accident. That's what I thought had happened."

Patrice nodded and deflated. "Oh. Well, they're fine." She laughed bitterly. "Except for the fact that my father left my mother to be with some idiot blonde who is only about five years older than I am!"

I cringed. "Ew."

"You can say that again," she snuffled. I dug through my purse and pulled out some crumpled, but clean tissues. Patrice accepted them. "Thanks. I must look like a train wreck."

"Nah, not that bad." She shook her head. "More like the mascara attacked your face when you were trying to put it on this morning."

"Thanks," she said with a tiny laugh. It was something.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her. Patrice looked up quickly, her eyes searching mine.

"You don't want to know."

"My parents were divorced years ago and it wasn't exactly a nice, clean divorce either," I told her. "They can't even live on the same side of the country."

"I didn't know your parents were divorced."

I nodded. "Yeah. It's been a long time, but it's still a crappy arrangement. I've got to fly back and forth all the time to see my mom and my stepfamily."

"My dad got his own apartment on the other side of town," she said softly.

"With the blonde bitch?"

I waited as Patrice chewed on her bottom lip. Maybe I had gone too far. Here I was, trying to comfort a girl that I didn't even like, and I managed to insult her at the same time.

She smiled.

"She has extensions," Patrice told me. I laughed.

"That's disgusting," I replied, immensely relieved.

Patrice and I sat on the floor for hours, talking about the nasty people my parents used to bring home, how she was going to have to cope with Bonnie (who was only 24 years old and had been her father's secretary), and a whole lot of other things. Finally, around eight o'clock, I rubbed my back.

"I'm so sore from sitting here like this," I said.

"Do you want to go get some pizza?" Patrice asked. "I made you miss dinner."

I nodded. "Sure, that would be nice."

Patrice got to her feet and extended a hand down to me. "Come on. I know a great place for onion and mushroom pizza."

"Fantabulous," I laughed. "That sounds delicious."


	13. Masquerade

**Chapter 13: Masquerade**

**Stacey**

_November 10_

_I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving break. I haven't been home to see my mother since the Ramsey's funeral and I haven't seen my dad since August. I guess I could be a better daughter and actually come home once in a while, but why? I have everything I could possibly want here at Yale. I have amazing friends, a charming boyfriend, excellent classes and professors, and just about the most fabulous life out of everyone I know._

That's Miss Anastasia Elizabeth speaking. Anastasia is wildly popular, a brilliant student, gorgeous, and, to put the cherry on the top, has the most desirable boyfriend in the whole Yale undergraduate society. Anastasia is a princess, American royalty.

I, on the other hand, am not.

Let me explain a little bit before you get too confused.

When I first got to Yale, I decided to give myself a makeover, personality included. Sure, I was one of the hotshots in high school, but as soon as I saw some of the beauty queen and masterminds on this campus, I just knew I had to be better. I had to look better than everyone else, I had to think better than everyone else, and I just had to _be _better than everyone else. Average wasn't going to do it, nor was above average. I was going to have to be a superstar in every single aspect of my life.

I had my hair cut and dyed to just the perfect shade of honey blonde the day after I arrived. It was hard to find a decent salon close by, but it was a good thing that my parents had agreed to let me have a car when I started college. I also did some serious wardrobe repair through online shopping and shoving anything not perfect into my suitcase, which is stashed far underneath my bed. I spent nearly three hours the day before classes began experimenting with my makeup and hair until I found an absolutely gorgeous combination.

Everything else came right along after the outer makeover. I studied my butt off at night and was scoring top grades in all of my classes. I had made tons of friends right away by introducing myself and making sure I was at all the right parties. My boyfriend, Teddy Thomas? Well, let's just say that no man can resist a woman who makes him think he's a king while running the show behind him.

It was exhausting, though. Every night, after all of the classes, the parties, the socializing, I came home to my dorm room and crashed into my bed. My father had arranged for me to have my own room based on medical reasons (as far I know, though, diabetics can live with other people), so I didn't even have to worry about impressing a roommate when I got back. All I wanted to do when I finally locked the door behind me was sleep.

It had been great for a while. Exhilarating, even. Everyone seemed to know my name and who I was. Professors would single me out to demonstrate how the work should be done. My friends clamored to be noticed and my boyfriend was easily the most charming boy I had ever met.

Now, though, I hated it. To make matters worse, I couldn't even stop myself. I had to hold up Anastasia's reputation because that's all I had. Stacey McGill, born in New York City, but raised mostly in Stoneybrook, was a nobody girl that people here at Yale didn't even know existed. I had done such a good job at making sure I was the best in everything that I had even made the girl I was before Yale come in second place.

There was a knock at my door. I had been laying on my back, ankles crossed and eyes closed. When I heard the knock, I climbed to my feet and approached the door.

"Who is it?" I asked, slipping back into my glamorous Anastasia persona. Stacey was quickly fading back down into the background.

"Ana, it's me, Teddy. Open up."

Teddy Thomas. Tall, strong, wickedly handsome. I'll admit that I usually have an incredible weakness for good looking men, especially those older than I, but Teddy was a few notches above the usual guys I had chased after. He was a junior pre-law major who worked out everyday and made sure that his clothes were perfectly tailored. Claudia and I used to joke about how we would never date a man prettier than we were, but I'm afraid that Teddy was the one man who would make me go back on our vow.

I unlocked the door and opened it. Teddy was dressed in blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and trainers. I smiled. He even looked amazing in his casual clothes.

"Hi, Teddy," I said, stretching up to kiss him. He returned the kiss with a little more enthusiasm than I had expected and I pulled back with my cheeks beginning to heat up. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy visit his girlfriend?" he asked, flashing one of his winning smiles.

"Sure, come in," I laughed, moving so that he could enter my dorm room.

Teddy took my hand and led me back over to the bed. He sank down on the edge and I followed his lead. He looked pretty serious, so I sat carefully beside him, making sure that my face was completely attentive.

"Ana, I have to talk with you about something that has been bothering me for a while," he said and I felt my heart sink a little.

"What?" I asked.

He squeezed my hand. "We've been seeing each other for about two months now, right?"

I nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Well, in my family, boys don't usually date girls that we're not serious about."

I shook my head. "I don't get what you're trying to say, Teddy. Are you breaking up with me?"

"No, of course not." He smiled and I instantly felt a little better. "What I'm trying to say is that if we're going to continue seeing one another, you have to make a commitment to me."

"I have, haven't I?" I asked. I was starting to feel confused. "I'm not seeing anyone else, if that's what you're suggesting."

He shook his head, finally starting to look impatient. "Anastasia, I need to know that you are going to be mine and only mine. There can't be any reason for people to wonder whether or not we have a committed relationship. I have to make sure that you understand that."

I pulled my hand back. "_Yours_? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just what I said," he snapped. "You are going to be mine and nobody else's."

"You're talking like you think you _own_ me," I whispered, narrowing my eyes. "The last time I checked, I am a human being who doesn't belong to anyone."

"Anastasia, so long as we are dating, you _are_ only mine." He smiled as though to disarm me, but I didn't buy it. "And, once we get married, you _will_ belong to me. In my family, men do own their women. It's the only way a family is _supposed_ to be."

"My father never _owned_ my mother."

"That's because he was stupid." I stood up in rage.

"Don't you _dare_ say that about my father!" I growled.

Teddy caught my hand and pulled me down so fast that I hit the bed with a thump. I stared at where his hand was clenching my wrist and couldn't help but wince at the pressure of his fingers.

"Don't be stupid, Ana," he said quietly and I raised my eyes to look into his. "I don't want to hurt you, you know that, but I can't have you speaking to me like that."

"You're _threatening_ me," I said with dawning realization. "You're actually threatening me."

"I'm only telling you the way things are going to work from now on." He brushed a finger down my cheek and I jerked away. "For starters, you're going to have to start dressing more like my girlfriend. I don't want other guys noticing you and thinking that they have any chance of having you."

"You want me to be ugly?"

"Honey, you never will be ugly, but these clothes make you look like a slut."

I wrenched my hand free and stood up so fast that he only stared at me. I took a few steps back and pointed at the door.

"Get out."

"_What?_"

"Get out of my room," I repeated slowly and quietly. "I don't want to see you again."

He smiled. "Sweetheart, I make the decisions, not you."

"Get out now!" I nearly screamed. My body was trembling. "I'll call the cops unless you leave right now."

"Sit down and shut up," Teddy told me as he got to his feet. I took another step back. "I'm sick of listening to your bullshit."

I turned quickly and made for the door. I had to get away from him. I was starting to feel fear bubble up inside of me and it was beginning to make me feel sick to my stomach.

Teddy caught my elbow so fast that when he turned me around I almost lost my footing. He caught me and held me close against his body, glaring down at me with anger. I tried to pull away, but couldn't.

"Let me _go_, Teddy," I said in a trembling voice. "I don't want to play games with you."

"We're not playing," he growled and pushed me backwards. I hit the closed door with a bang and slid down onto the ground. I stared back up at him with mounting horror as he towered over me. "You're _mine_ and you had better starting acting that way."

I started to climb to my feet and was amazed when he actually used his foot to push me back against the door again. I knocked my head this time and cried out in pain.

"Teddy, _please_. I don't want you here," I said, ashamed that I had started to cry. "Leave."

He clamped his strong hands on my shoulders and hauled me to my feet. I whimpered in fear as he held me out in front of him like I was a little girl who had done something very naughty and was about to be punished for it. I tried to shrug him off, but wasn't surprised that it didn't even make him budge.

"You are _mine_, you little _bitch_," he snarled. I closed my eyes in terror. Maybe this would all go away. "Shut up and sit down like I_ told _you to."

He started to maneuver me back towards the bed and, in panic, I lashed out. I aimed my foot at his shin and connected with an audible thump. I clawed at his hands with my nails and was suddenly free. I started to open the door, but his hands were back on me and suddenly I was on the floor and he was crouched over me, face red with rage.

"You're going to have to be taught a lesson," he said, too calmly.

Before I knew what was happening, something hard smashed against my face and all I could see was red and white splotches. I began to cry in earnest as another punch landed on my chest and a third on my stomach. I tried to curl up and hide myself from his fists, but nothing helped.

"_Help me!_" I screamed in desperation.

"_Shut up!_" he yelled. "God _damn_ it, Anastasia, behave like a Thomas woman should!"

Then, suddenly, there was an end to the blows. I didn't dare open my eyes, which were streaming tears. I could hear Teddy screaming at someone and could hear other voices as well. At last, I found myself able to curl into a ball and I began to sob as the voices moved farther away.

Soft, gentle hands were on my back, rubbing light circles against my shirt. After a minute, I felt my sobs lessening and was finally able to open my eyes. My vision was a little blurred, but not enough that I didn't recognize my next door neighbor's face as she leaned over me, still rubbing my back.

"Alison, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Don't worry, Ana, he's not going to touch you again," she assured me.

"He said that I was his," I gasped and struggled to sit up. Alison's hands, so beautifully soft and gentle, helped me lean back against the side of my bed. "He's going to be so angry that you made him leave."

"I called the police," she said. "They caught him in act. He's going to go away for a while."

"His parents have money," I whimpered, reaching up to touch where his fist had connected with my face. Already the skin was beginning to swell. "He won't stay there."

"Which is why you won't stay here," a male voice said and I looked up in alarm. The police officer knelt down so that he was eye level with me. "We're going to protect you."

"He can find me," I whispered.

"No."

I started to cry again and Alison wrapped her arms around me. Relieved to be held by someone who was caring for me, I sagged against her body.

"Why?" I asked through my tears.

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I don't know why."

**13**

"Ms. McGill, will you be willing to testify that Mr. Thomas attacked you in your dorm room?"

I stared at the police officer in front of me while I twisted my hands together in my lap. The implications of testifying against the man who had just broken my cheek bone as well as cracking two ribs and blackening my eye wasn't something I could deal with right now. I looked down at my lap and shrugged helplessly.

"I guess so."

I heard the police officer scribble something down in his notebook and winced. Everything I said here was being recorded. Everything that came out of my mouth would only make Teddy more angry.

"Do you feel safe returning to your dormitory?" he asked gently.

My heart skipped a beat. Go right back to where it had happened? What if he got out of jail on bail and came right back to finish my "punishment"? I would just be sitting there, waiting for him. I looked up into the police officer's eyes in terror.

"Where else can I go?"

"There are shelters for battered women," he suggested gently. "I'm sure you would be perfectly safe there."

A battered women's shelter? One minute I was on the top of the world and the next I was hiding out with women who didn't know how to pick a decent man. I couldn't. I just couldn't go there. I shook my head.

"No, please, I can't go there."

"My parents live close by," Alison said. She and my RA, James, had come with me to the hospital and had sat by my side for the past five hours. I looked at her with widened eyes. "You would be safe there. I don't think Teddy would think to look for you there."

"Besides," the police officer said, "he won't be offered bail after police witnessed him in the act of committing such a violent crime. Unless, of course, you refuse to press charges."

"I'm pressing charges," I said weakly.

"Well, then you don't have to worry about him finding you." He sat back in his chair to study me and I looked back down at my fingers. I needed to wash my hands. Teddy's blood was caked underneath my fingernails. "Still, I think it would be a good thing for you to stay somewhere else. It wouldn't be in your best interests to stay in the location where you were attacked."

"Can I stay at your place, Alison?" I asked. She squeezed one of my hands.

"Of course."

"You won't call my parents, will you?" I asked suddenly. I raised my eyes back to the police officer, who looked startled by my question. He recovered quickly.

"You're over eighteen?"

"Yes."

"Then, no, we won't." I nodded with relief. My parents didn't need further reason to believe that I shouldn't have gone away to school. "You should tell them, though."

"Maybe." I settled my head back against the hospital bed's pillow. "Can you see if they will release me now? I don't want to be here anymore."

"I think they wanted to keep you under observation," he said.

"Please, I want to get out of here." My voice was tight with tension. The police officer nodded sympathetically.

"Of course."

James and Alison were silent for a while after the police officer left, but I didn't mind. My brain was swirling around too fast and it was nice to have a few minutes of quiet to try and calm myself. Finally, Alison cleared her throat.

"Anastasia-"

"Stacey," I said abruptly. "My name is Stacey. Don't call me Anastasia anymore."

"OK, Stacey." She and James exchanged looks and I closed my eyes. "Do you want to talk about this?"

"Do I have to? I've been over it a million times already?"

"No, of course not. I just thought you might want to talk."

I turned my head slowly and reopened my eyes to stare at Alison. She looked so open and warm that I couldn't bear to continue being so cold and abrupt. I felt hot tears begin to slip down my face and she was instantly on her feet, mopping them away.

"How could this have happened to me? I had everything going right for me. I thought Teddy was perfect."

She gave me a funny little half smile. "This wasn't your fault. You didn't tell him to hit you."

I shrugged. "Still. Wasn't there some way I could've know?"

"Abusers don't generally wear nametags," Alison said calmly. I shook my head.

"Why do you know so much about this?"

"I've had some experience in the field," she said quietly. I shook my head.

"He hurt me," I whispered and she stroked my head.

"He did," she said quietly. "He was wrong."

"Wasn't I wrong to let him in?"

"Stacey, stop blaming yourself," she told me. "There wasn't anything you ever did to deserve what he did to you. He's the one who is a monster, not you."

"What if he had raped me?" I asked, starting to speak anything and everything that slipped through my mind. "What if he had ripped my clothes off and raped me? What if-"

"He _didn't _rape you, Stacey," she said so firmly that I flinched. "You have to stop playing the "what if" game. It will make you crazy if you do."

"How did you know?" I asked suddenly. "How did you know to come inside and make him stop?"

"We heard you scream," James told me from across the room. "Alison called the police and I dragged him out of the room until they came. We couldn't wait for the police or campus security to get down there." He shrugged. "I got a few punches of my own, but it would've been worse to know that he was hurting you while I sat outside because I wanted to stay safe."

I began to laugh then and rolled my head to look up at the ceiling. Suddenly, I just couldn't stop. My laughter became harsher and harsher until I was coughing and I might never have stopped is Alison hadn't grabbed my face in her hands and forced me to look back at her.

"Stacey, _stop_." It was so firm that the uncontrollable laughter stopped instantly. I hiccoughed a few times as Alison began stroking my cheek comfortingly. She smiled gently down at me. "You're safe now."

"It's just so weird," I told her when I finally was able to speak. "And, so unfair. I have _two_ guardian angels. I have_ two _to look out for me."

"What's so weird about that?"

"Maybe I got one of Jessi's by mistake."

They didn't ask me to explain and I wouldn't have bothered if they had. Somehow, life had just become even more complicated than it had been just this afternoon.


	14. Between the Lines of Fear and Blame

**Chapter 14: Between the Lines of Fear and Blame**

**Mallory**

_November 22_

_Good news! Jessi is finally able to get out of her bed. She's in a wheelchair, of course, until her casts can come off, but she's not trapped in that narrow little bed anymore. The doctors say that she might even begin to start walking in a couple of weeks. With crutches. Then, after that, she might even be able to leave the hospital by the new year._

Anna says that I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. She says that even though I wasn't in the accident, I witnessed a lot of it through the phone call that Jessi made to me. She also tells me that she isn't surprised that I am suffering with it because she says prior experiences have set me up for it, especially Vanessa's accident a few years back.

I don't know what to think anymore, so I just agree with her. It seems to be a lot easier to agree with Anna than to try and tell her otherwise. Besides, she makes a good argument. It explains why I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, how I jump at any kind of loud noises, and how I black out whenever Mom or Dad and I get stuck in heavy traffic. She also says it explains why I have been clinging so close to Jessi.

I tried to explain that Jessi's my best friend and that it's obvious why I want to be so close to her. I should've done more to help her, I told Anna. She asked me if I blamed myself for the accident and I said no. She asked me if I felt guilty anyways, I didn't have an answer for that and she made a little note in her book.

I let her make the notes because then she always hands me a new prescription to have filled afterwards. She has given me a drug called Ativan that helps with some of the anxiety attacks I've been having since the accident. I'm supposed to take them any time I start to feel nervous or panicky. It's weird, but I've never been the nervous type before. I've always been able to handle things with a level head. Now, though, I don't think I could get through the day without those little white pills.

Jessi's been getting more and more angry and antisocial. She has hardly anything to say anymore and when she does speak, it's nasty. She hasn't lashed at me yet, but the very thought makes my heart beat fast. I try not to think about it.

"I'm never going to understand this stuff," I told Jessi. We were sitting across from one another at the small table in the children's "playroom." Jessi has been getting anxious being trapped in her hospital room and the nurses set us up in the playroom. "I hate this kind of stuff."

I glanced over at Jessi. She was staring out the window, apparently unable to hear what I had said. I cleared my throat and repeated myself. Slowly, she turned her head to look back over at me.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice flat and void of any kind of interest. I could tell she was just asking to keep me happy.

"Tangents and cosines and stuff. Do you remember any of this?"

"Mallory, I haven't been to school in _months_," she said. "How could I remember any of that stuff?"

"I was only asking," I replied meekly. Jessi rolled her eyes then focused them back out the window.

"No, I don't."

I nodded carefully, trying my best not to burst into tears. I hated crying in front of Jessi because I knew I had no right to cry in front of someone who had just lost her family. My problems were nothing compared to hers and I knew it. After a minute or so, I managed to get a hold of myself and returned to struggling with my homework.

"Jessi!" a cheerful voice called.

We both looked up to see Anna coming towards us. Jessi moaned.

"Oh, _God_, not her."

I smiled, trying to make up for what Jessi had said. I knew Anna had heard her, but she didn't seem to mind. I didn't want her to think that Jessi was a bad person, though. She was going through a rough time.

"Hi, Anna," I said, considerably more polite than Jessi. Anna smiled warmly at me and Jessi sighed.

"Hello, Mallory. What are you girls up to?"

Anna took a seat in one of the little chairs since I had taken the only adult chair in the playroom and Jessi was in her wheelchair. Jessi's mouth twitched like she was going to smirk. I hastily showed Anna my notebook.

"Math homework. It's dreadful."

"I was always good at math," Anna said. "Want a hand?"

"Some privacy would be nice," Jessi snapped. Anna looked at her with no surprise in her face. I pushed my pencil into Anna's hand.

"Yeah, that would be great," I said, louder than Jessi. Jessi gave me a tired look then returned once more to staring out the window.

"OK, let's see," Anna murmured.

We worked for nearly a half hour while Jessi sat still, seeming not to be listening to a word we were saying. After the half hour, though, she turned and looked pointedly at me.

"Let's go back."

I looked up in surprise. Anna had been in the middle of explaining a tricky question to me and Jessi wanted to go back to the room? I set my pencil down, but didn't push my chair back.

"We're still working," I protested gently.

"I'm in pain and I want to lie down."

We stared at one another and I could feel Anna's eyes darting back and forth between us. I could only manage to hold eye contact with Jessi for a few seconds before dropping my gaze back to my notebook.

"Of course, Jessi," I murmured. "Sorry."

"Someone can take you back to the room, Jessi," Anna said in an even voice. "Mallory can stay and work with me. Well, if you want to, of course."

"That would be good," I said, not raising my eyes. "I'm falling behind."

"Mallory, I want to go back," Jessi said, more insistently this time. I felt my hands begin to tremble.

"I'll come when I'm done, all right?"

Jessi let out an exasperated sigh. "Why are you even here if you don't want to spend time with me? You'd rather be spending time with the shrink, wouldn't you?"

"Jessi, I think that's enough," Anna said warningly.

I looked up, the shaking taking over more of my body. I felt my lower lip begin to tremble.

"Please, Jessi, don't be mad at me," I pleaded. "It's just that I'm having a hard time keeping up and Anna-"

"Doesn't care about you!" Jessi shouted. I flinched away from her. I could feel adrenaline begin to course through my body. "I can't believe that you're letting them manipulate you into believing that they care! Anna couldn't care less about you or me. It's her_ job_ to be nice to us."

"Jessi, please."

"She probably doesn't even like us, Mallory!"

I climbed to my feet and backed up until I felt a wall pressing back against me. Jessi studied me carefully for a moment.

"We've got to stick together," she whispered, looking alarmed. "_Please_, Mal. You're my best friend. I can't do this without you."

"Oh, God," I moaned. "I don't know…"

"Mallory, calm down," Anna said gently. She looked at Jessi and her face hardened. "Jessi, back off _right now_."

"Where am I going to go?" she demanded. "It's not like I'm going to chase her or anything. I'm a cripple now, remember?"

"I'm _sorry_," I moaned. "Oh, God. This is _all_ my fault."

"Mallory?"

"I have to get out of here," I whispered and, leaving everything behind, ran out into the hallway. I heard Jessi call my name, but kept going. I had to get out of here. I had to run.

I tried to dodge around nurses and patients who shot me confused looks as I heard my sneakers pounding on the floor. I had to find a way out of this hospital. It didn't matter how I got out, just that I did.

Later, Anna told me that I slipped on the wet floor. Maintenance had just finished mopping the floor and I had ran straight across the slick floor and my feet flew out from under me.

All I knew was that I was running and then I wasn't. I was on my side and my arm was screaming in pain. I starting sobbing, so suddenly confused about what was happening that I couldn't remember what I had even been running from. I could feel people crowding around me from all sides and curled into a tight ball, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Please, _go away_," I whispered over and over again. Finally, after what seemed like years, people moved back and another person was sitting beside me, rubbing my back.

"Mallory, honey," Anna whispered. "It's Anna. Do you know where you are?"

"I want to go home," I told her.

"Where are you?"

"The hospital. Please?"

She slid her arm underneath my side and helped me to sit up. Another person, a young female doctor squatted down next to me. She had a warm smile like Anna's and looked very forgiving.

"Can I take a look at your wrist?" she asked gently, taking my hand. I nodded numbly.

"I'm so _stupid_," I murmured.

"Why?"

"I just ran away from my _best friend_," I moaned. Then I started to cry. I couldn't stop the tears this time. "What's_ wrong_ with me?"

"It isn't your fault," Anna whispered as the doctor examined me. She was stroking her fingers through my hair, a motion that almost always calmed me. I started to feel my breathing slow.

"You're lucky, Mallory," the doctor said. "Only a sprain." She looked at Anna. "I'll get an Ace bandage."

Anna nodded and turned her attention to me again. "Mallory, I want to ask you if you'd be willing to let me admit you."

"For what? The doctor said it's just a sprain. Jessi _broke_ both of her legs," I said. "I shouldn't complain about a little sprain."

"That's not the reason why," Anna said. She thought for a moment. "I'm going to talk to your mother when she comes to pick you up."

"It's Thanksgiving," I said weakly.

"I know, sweetheart. We'll work something out."

"OK."

**14**

I sat stiffly as I chewed on a bun that I had just buttered. My parents were in the living room, speaking with Anna, while my brothers and sisters and I were putting the finishing touches on the Thanksgiving Day feast. Mostly, just laying out the plates and silverware and setting the food onto the table.

I glanced over at Byron.

"Will you keep a watch on things?" I whispered.

"Yeah, sure," he said, grabbing a bowl of cranberry sauce that Claire had just come very close to dropping. "Go eavesdrop."

"Thanks."

I crept into the hallway, where I knew I couldn't be seen by my parents or by Anna. I slid down the wall and crouched down to listen.

"Mrs. Pike, I'm just worried that Mallory is suffering from far worse than simple PTSD."

"She's having a lot of trouble adjusting," my mother admitted. "Do you think it's getting worse?"

"She couldn't even handle making a simple decision this afternoon. I think she's growing more and more terrified of even making simple decisions because she thinks it will have a bigger impact than it really will," Anna replied. "I want to keep her in hospital for a little while so that we can observe what's really happening and help her if we can."

"If?" Dad asked. "What does that mean?"

"We can help her if she lets us help her." Anna paused. "I do worry that she has been agreeing to everything suggested to her in hopes that it will please them and make her a better person. A better patient, a better best friend, you name it."

"This _is _serious," my mother admitted. "I just don't want her to lose even _more_ attendance at school. She's struggling right now as it is."

"We can have a private tutor come in to keep her up on her schoolwork."

My mother laughed. "We can't afford that. We already have a tutor for Vanessa!"

"The tutor will be supplied as part of the psychotherapy. It won't cost you any extra," Anna assured her.

"Do you think you can help her?" my father asked softly. "You don't think this will be permanent, do you? Will she go back to her old self?"

"I'm confident that if we can get her all the help she needs now, Mallory will be able to function as she did before."

"Thank God," Mom murmured. Judging by the creaking of the sofa, I knew that she and Dad were getting back to their feet. "Would you like to stay with us for dinner, Anna? It might make things easier for Mallory if the transition is gradual."

"Thank you, I'd be delighted," Anna said. She stood up as well. "It'd be nice to put some faces to all the names I hear about."

"Be warned, they are just as savage around food as Mallory has told you," Dad said. "You'd think we never fed any of them."

I jumped in surprise as they rounded the corner I was crouched in. Mom stepped back quickly, hand on her chest.

"Mallory! Have you been sitting there this whole time?"

I nodded, my eyes growing wide. "You're not mad, are you?"

Dad held his hand out to me and helped me to my feet. "Sweetheart, you only had to come in the room. Nobody's hiding anything from you."

"Anna wants me to go to the hospital," I said, my voice shaking.

"Do you want to go?"

"I have a choice?"

"Always, Mallory."

"Mom?"

My mother pulled me into an unexpected, tight hug and kissed the top of my head. "We just want to see you get back to your old self. Anna says she can help with that."

"Well, OK, then. I'll go."

Anna grinned at me. "But, not before we partake of this fabulous smelling food I've been taunted with since I came in." She nudged me playfully. "I call dibs on a leg."

"The boys usually fight for those," I told her.

"I've got four brothers myself," Anna told me. "I can handle myself around a turkey pretty well."

My parents laughed and after a moment, I joined in. It felt good to laugh.

**14**

"All settled in?"

I turned to face Anna, who was standing in the doorway. I had a room to myself since Anna and I both decided that it might be harder with a roommate. I smiled weakly.

"Are you going to stay with me?" I asked. My pajamas, which the hospital gave me, felt scratchy and stiff. Anna shook her head.

"Not overnight. But, you'll be all right. You met Nurse Patel and she'll be taking very good care of you."

I nodded silently.

"It's OK if you're scared or nervous, Mallory," Anna said. She stepped closer and sat down on the edge of my bed. I sank down next to her. "It's normal to feel like that in a new place."

"I've been here before," I said, hoping that would make her think that I was all right.

"Just tell her if you need anything at all, Mallory. And, here's my cell phone. Call me if you get scared, all right?"

"What time should I stop calling after?"

"Mallory, stop." I blinked in confusion. "You don't need to try and make me happy. I said to call_ whenever_ and I _mean_ it. You don't need to worry about me or what I think or anything like that. All you need to do tonight is try to get some rest."

"OK."

"I've asked Nurse Patel to give you some sleeping medication to help you rest easier. You've never taken it before, but she'll explain everything about it that you'll need to know."

"OK."

Anna took my hand in hers and squeezed gently. "Call me _anytime_, all right?" I nodded. "I'll see you bright and early at 8 tomorrow morning, OK?"

I smiled. "All right."

Anna reached around and hugged me. I hugged back for once.

"Have a good night, doll. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Anna."

I sank back against the slightly too hard pillows as Anna shut the door behind her. I closed my eyes and didn't think about anything for a few minutes. Maybe this hospital idea would work.

Maybe it would be just what I needed to feel like me again.


	15. This is Easy as Lovers Go

**WARNING: **_This chapter is rated M for sexual content._

**Chapter 15: This is Easy as Lovers Go**

**Shannon**

_November 29_

_I don't know quite how to explain it. It's like everything has been going right for once, everything has been going along perfectly. I almost hate to say it because whenever anything goes along like this, something bad is bound to happen. Knock on wood, of course, because I have never felt so wonderfully alive in my entire life. Not to mention so in love._

I've always been a skeptic of the kind of love Hollywood is in love with. I'm not the kind of girl to be "in love with love." I'm sensible and practical and definitely not a romantic. That was until, of course, I met Matt. One meeting with that boy and I was completely drawn under.

I'm not saying he's perfect because he's not. He picks his teeth after he eats something sticky or stringy. He likes to play video games into the wee hours of the night. He even likes to eat anchovy and mushroom pizza, which is an unforgivable sin in the Kilbourne household. We eat cheese and veggies, only. No meat on our pizzas, probably because my mother thinks that it's just a little too common for us. Not to mention that Dad hates pepperoni.

_Aha!_ Do you see what I mean about this whole being in love thing? It makes a girl go off track and think about other, stupid, pointless things all the time, especially in class. I got in trouble when I was called on in physics after daydreaming about what color swim trunks Matt would look best in. I had finally decided on a bright red, but I couldn't tell the professor why Newton's 2nd Law of Motion applied to the problem we were solving.

I had even found myself not caring so much about Bethany's ridiculous attitude problem and behavior. It didn't matter so much that Bethany had taken my favorite parka without asking and had spilled coffee down the front. It didn't matter that she tracked snow into the room and didn't warn me when I got out of bed 10 minutes later and put my bare feet right into it.

Even though I knew it was totally and completely stupid to be so head over heels in love with a boy I had only just met in September, I couldn't help myself. I adored Matt Bricken with my entire heart, soul, and mind. I could study him with more patience and diligence than any of my other classes and everyone knew it.

Shannon Kilbourne, straight A student and serious girl all around, had turned into a goofy, gushing teenager in love for the first time.

Luckily for me, the feelings I had for Matt were returned. I've read about unrequited love and couldn't imagine adoring Matt this much and knowing that he didn't feel the same for me. Even as I mention that, I feel a complete pang of sympathy for any unlucky sufferers of this horrible plight.

**15**

Warm, gloved hands clapped over my eyes and I felt warm breath tickle against my ear. I laughed in delight and stopped in my tracks.

"Guess who?"

"Joshua?"

"Try again?"

"Julio, is that you? I told you not to approach me in public. I have a very jealous boyfriend who would be very angry if he knew about the steamy love we make behind his back."

"What?" Matt asked, dropping his hands and twirling me around. He steadied me carefully on the slick pavement before taking a step back, looking outraged. "You're cheating on me, woman?"

"Well, with endearments like that, can you blame me?"

Matt laughed then wrapped his arms around my waist. I snuggled in and kissed him. "No, I can't. I guess I ought to be happy that I can at least have some of that lovin', though."

I giggled. "Be a good boy and I might even let you have all of it."

Matt paused for a moment. "Really, Shannon?"

Damn it, I had brought it up _again_. This was definitely a tricky subject and one that we had been trying to figure out during the whole time we've been dating.

Before Yale and before Matt, I hadn't ever seriously dated anyone. It's not that I'm a hunchback or a witch, but I just hadn't had time for anything serious before I met Matt. I went out on a few dates, mostly double dates and blind dates that my friends had hooked me up with, but nothing serious. If I ever did see the guys again, they became friends, not boyfriends. In fact, I had never even been on more than one date with any one boy. I was just too serious about my schoolwork to let such a silly little thing as romance get in the way.

Obviously, that presented itself as an unexpected problem once Matt and I began to see each other seriously. Since Matt had had several girlfriends before me, he was more experienced in the whole romance category than I was. To be completely frank and honest, I was still a virgin and he was not.

Even though I'll be the first person to admit that I am in love with him and that I would be completely happy spending the rest of my life with him, losing my virginity is still a tremendously big deal for me. It's not something I'll ever be able to take back again and I don't want to give it away to just anyone. I have to be absolutely certain that he _is _the one man that I want to give my virginity to.

It was somewhat of a touchy subject between the two of us.

I blushed and ducked my head. "Matt, we've been over this before…"

"I know," he admitted and kissed the tip of my nose. "I wish there was some way to make it easier for both of us."

"We could get you a hooker if you're that horny."

Matt laughed. "Only if you're the hooker, Shan. Which, actually, would be kind of a turn on." He bumped his hips against mine. "Prissy little Shannon Kilbourne all decked out as a lady of the night."

"I prefer the term common whore, thanks," I said.

Did I mention that I've taken up swearing and vulgarity a lot more since I met Matt? Only he has been able to make me sink to this level and it's kind of fun knowing that I feel comfortable enough with him to go to that level.

"Either way, that's hot."

"Scorching," I whispered and captured his lips with mine again. We kissed for a minute before pulling apart at the catcalls and hoots from passing male students.

"You're all jealous because I've got this hottie and you don't!" he yelled. One of his guy friends made a rude gesture and Matt pretended to start to chase after him. I grabbed his coat collar to pull him back. "Let me at him! I'll show him to do that in front of my lady!"

"You are so full of crap," his friend laughed. "Go get a room already."

"Fine. Maybe we will." Matt spun around and hooked his arm around my waist. With a tug that made me skip to keep up, he began walking us back to our dorm. "Come on, Shan. Let's get us a room."

"You _are_ horrible today, aren't you?" I giggled.

By the way, giggling? Not much giggling prior to Matt.

"You love it," he insisted.

I did love it, too. I couldn't stop myself from admitting it to myself.

We walked over to our dorm in silence. Matt had pulled me snugly up against him and the early winter snow this year didn't make us shiver once. By the time we reached the building, I had been throwing around the idea of sleeping with Matt for the first time so much that I didn't even hear him the first time he said my name.

"Shannon, hello?"

I started and he laughed. I pushed away from him and swept through the door with my head tossed back. "What do you want now?"

"I just wanted to know if you were coming up to my room or if we were going to yours," he said, stomping the slush from his shoes.

"Um…" I hesitated. I didn't know what to say. Matt smiled, looking a bit concerned.

"Shannon, what's going on?"

"Your room," I said swiftly. He nodded, thinking that I was agreeing to another round of Mortal Combat or some other video game. I took a couple shallow breaths before going on. "I want to lock the door."

"What are you talking about?" he asked and it clicked as soon as he said it. Matt's mouth formed an "O" of surprise and he stared at me for a minute. I stared back, refusing to blush or look away. I didn't want to lose my nerve. "Shan, are you sure?"

"Yes, I am." I hurried over to the elevators and pressed the up button. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head as I stood there. I turned to face him. "I want this."

"So do I, but I don't-"

"Come on, Matt." I grabbed his hand in mine and tugged him onto the elevator. "Don't chicken out now."

He started to laugh. "I promise to be brave."

**15**

"Are you absolutely, totally sure about this?" Matt asked for what seemed like the millionth time. I wasn't absolutely, totally sure, but who was ever that sure of themselves? "I don't want to rush you into anything you're not ready for."

I smiled at him and took a seat on his bed so that my head would hit the pillows when I lay down. I patted the comforter in front of me and he sank down onto it, adjusting his body so that he was sitting on his knees. I took his hand in mine.

"I want this," I repeated. "I want you."

We reached for one another at the same time and met in a kiss. It was sweet, much more chaste and gentle than we usually were. Perhaps, in some place in our minds, we were preparing ourselves for what was ahead. Then, again, maybe that was just me over thinking everything as usual. Matt's hands were on my face then moved down my back to rest on my waist.

"I want you, too," he murmured as we pulled away from one another for air. "I've wanted you for such a long time now."

"You've got me now," I giggled as he pulled me in for another kiss.

We continued to kiss for a while until we were both panting for air. Matt reached down away from me and tugged the hem of his shirt up over his head. He tossed his discarded sweater towards the opposite side of the room and reached for the hem of my shirt. With a quick glance to make sure that I was still all right with this, he tugged it ungracefully over my head. We bumped foreheads trying to free me from the sweater and started to laugh.

"This would make such an awful porno," he said.

"You're taping this?" I asked, pretending to be upset.

"Nah, we'll save that for next time."

We made quick work of ridding ourselves of everything but our underwear. Matt pushed me gently backwards so that I was laying flat on my back on his bed. I could feel myself start to blush at the way he stared.

"What are you looking at?"

"You talk too much."

He lowered himself down upon me, but I didn't feel his weight pressing me into the bed like I thought I would. I tried to figure out why, but was immediately distracted as he began to fumble to undo my bra. I arched my back to help him and let out a small gasp as I felt him pressing back against me in a place I didn't expect. Matt's face reddened a little and he quickly finished undoing my bra.

"We can stop," he panted and I knew he would have a very hard time stopping, even if I begged him to. I loved him all the more for giving me yet another chance to back out.

I reached down and wrapped my arms around him. Pushing my hips up against him a second time, I moved my body just enough so that he let out a moan and closed his eyes. I smiled and pressed my lips against his shoulder in a small kiss.

"Just do it," I said.

"I'm pretty damn close," he whimpered as I reached down to help tug his boxers from his hips. I started to reach back up to cradle his face for another kiss and he shook his head. "Please, Shannon. Now."

I slid my panties down as gracefully as I could with him on top of me, trying to kiss any available inch of skin he could. When I finally felt them fall from my ankles, I looked back up into his face.

"Matt, is this going to hurt?" I asked, suddenly nervous as I felt his hardness press down between my thighs. He swallowed, clearly trying to control himself.

"Yes," he whispered. "Sorry."

"It's OK."

He sat up so that he was on his knees again and pulled me with him. With one arm bracing me so that I wouldn't fall backwards again, he used his other hand to spread my thighs further apart. I let out a gasp as his fingers brushed against me and pressed my face against his shoulder. I could feel my body shaking with adrenaline and I squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel Matt against me, waiting for me to give him the OK to finally do what we had only ever discussed.

"I love you," I whispered against his skin.

Not needing any more encouragement than that, Matt slowly eased his hips up as he let me slide down. I bit down on my bottom lip as a piercing pain tore through me. We moved against one another until I knew he was fully and completely inside of me. I could feel beads of sweat trickling down my back. Gasping, I pulled my face away from his shoulder to look at his face. Matt placed one of his hands on the back of my neck.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked.

I shook my head no, even though when he pulled back slightly and pushed back in I could feel something tearing inside of me. I leaned my head forward against his chest this time and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. He repeated the motion once then again. Gradually, we seemed to pick up a little bit of speed, but I knew that with the resistance I couldn't keep my body from doing that we weren't moving nearly as fast as I assumed other couples might. Still, though, with every pull and push, it felt easier and didn't hurt nearly as much as the time before.

Matt moved his hand clumsily down between the two of us, no longer holding my head. I gasped when I felt his fingers once again and then moaned with surprised pleasure at what they were doing.

"Matt…"

He sped up the motion of his hand as he sped up the motion of his hips. I was quickly becoming very incoherent with an indescribable kind of pleasure. I knew I was moaning and calling his name out louder and louder with each thrust of his hips and each dip of his fingers. My arms moved to cling desperately to his back. I probably looked disgusting with the sweat pouring down my body, but I hardly even noticed. Even my toes were tingling and I couldn't remember why I had thought this to be the least bit uncomfortable.

Suddenly, Matt's touch became faster, much too fast for me to comprehend. I threw my head back and cried out his name as I felt myself suddenly rushing head-on into what was my first orgasm. I saw white everywhere and felt myself screaming his name desperately as my body exploded with pleasure.

The last thing I was aware of before I slipped into a blissful darkness was Matt's body tensing and clenching against mine. I heard my own name being called and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my life. I fell limp against him and felt him tumble backwards as well.

**15**

When I woke up, I felt so comfortably peaceful that I almost slipped straight back into a deep sleep. Instead, I forced myself to open my eyes and pay attention to what was going on around me. I could still feel Matt's arms around me and I could feel him inside of me. I smiled weakly as he stroked my hair gently.

"I love you," I whispered.

"You're awake," he murmured and I turned my head so that I could comfortably look at his face. He was damp with sweat and his cheeks were red with exertion, but it was easily the sexiest thing I had ever seen. This whole day was full of firsts for me. He kissed my lips with a certain chastity that I found charming. "You're beautiful."

Neither of us moved, kissing one another gently. I finally pulled away so that I could rest my head on his chest. His breathing was slowly and so was his heartbeat. I felt my own follow suit.

"Are you falling asleep?" I asked.

"No," he lied, sounding exhausted. "Are you?" I shook my head. "Do you want me to… uh… pull out?"

I shook my head again. "No."

"It doesn't hurt or anything?"

"Not anymore. It's perfect."

"You're perfect."

Once more, I apologize for how mushy we are.

"Matt, that was…"

He laughed gently then yawned. "You, too, Shan."

I looked back up and brought my hands to cup his face. He smiled gently. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Shannon." He kissed my forehead and I rested against him again. We were still for a long time and I began to drift into sleep, thinking by the way his chest was moving that he had already drifted off. Then came a faint whisper that I will never forget for my entire life.

"I want to marry you."

"What?" I asked and looked up.

He was already asleep. I kissed him softly and closed my eyes.

Yes, this was definitely a day of firsts and, to top it all off, the very best day of my life to date. I just knew, as I fell into sleep, that it was only going to get better from here.


	16. What Sisters Are For

**Chapter 16: What Sisters Are For**

**Kristy**

_December 4_

_I missed two periods. I don't know why it didn't occur to me what had happened sooner. I feel like a complete idiot. I can't believe how stupid I am. What's **wrong** with me?_

I locked the door to the women's bathroom in the school's athletic center. I didn't want anyone coming in at the wrong moment. I couldn't take any chances, especially after the stupid mistakes I had made before.

After that first night out drinking with Mia, it became easier and easier to go out and drink. Before I knew it, I was becoming a regular party animal. It was becoming harder and harder to get to my morning classes on time, not to mention finishing my homework. I knew that I was barreling towards a big "F" in all of my classes, but I didn't care anymore.

What I cared about was deadening the pain. Alcohol was the first and only thing I tried because it worked. Until now, at least.

I had a suspicion that something horrible had happened one of those nights we went out. More than a suspicion, actually. I woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache, as usual, and a throbbing body, which was not very usual at all. I was curled up on the floor in Mia's bedroom as she lay snoring away on her bed. I staggered out of her room and into her bathroom (she has a private suite since she's a sophomore and her parents have some money). What I saw in the mirror, I definitely did not like.

My lip was split down the middle and my eye was already swelling and starting to bruise. I looked down to examine my clothes and after stripping down naked, found blood in my underwear. It was caked against my inner thighs and when I tried to clean myself up in the shower, I felt myself start to bleed fresh again.

I had hurried back to my own room and crawled into bed without a word to my roommate, who was getting ready for her first class. She left without trying to figure out what was going on and I let her. I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, only getting up to pee. Gradually, the pain lessened and by Monday, I was able to get out of bed without wincing. I tried to go about my daily routines, including classes, as though nothing had happened.

I was even stupid enough to go out with Mia a few more times, though I drank less and less each time. After one night where I could only bring myself to drink a few sips of a light beer, Mia stopped asking me to come along. I was glad to get out of it, but only after a week of straight studying my butt off to try and catch up did I remember that I hadn't had a period in over two months.

So, here I was, peeing on a little stick that would tell me if my partying had brought about even more horrible side affects than I had thought. I paced the bathroom restlessly as I waited for my watch to ring and let me know whether or not I was pregnant. When it did, I could barely force myself to look at the stick to see whether or not the little blue plus had appeared or not.

**16**

"Mom?" I asked the moment the phone at my house was answered. I didn't even stop to think about it.

"Kristy, honey, is that you?" Nannie asked. I felt like screaming with impatience.

"Yeah. I need to talk to Mom. Where is she?"

"She's right here, Kristy. Calm down." Nannie held the phone away from her ear and mouth. "Elizabeth, it's for you. It's Kristy."

I tapped my feet as I waited for my mother to answer the phone. I stood up the moment she did.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Kristy," my mother laughed. "What's wrong? You usually make small talk with whoever answers the phone first."

"I have to come home, Mom," I burst out. My mother was silent for a moment.

"What happened?" she asked in her typical, put-together mom voice. "Are you all right?"

"No, I'm not all right," I snapped. "I want to come home."

"Help me out here, honey. Tell me what happened."

"Why can't you just come and _get me_?" I burst into sudden hot, embarrassing tears. In a moment, I was sobbing incoherently into the phone as my mother tried desperately to calm me down. After a few minutes, I managed to contain my sobs enough for her to tell me that she was going to send Nannie straight over to pick me up.

"Nannie? I want you, though."

"Kristy, you have got to tell me what happened," my mother pleaded. "You're scaring me to death. Please tell me you're all right, sweetie."

I sank back down onto my bed, shaking. "I'm… fine. When is Nannie coming to get me?"

"She already left."

"What?"

"I sent her to get you as soon as you started crying," Mom explained. "I didn't want to wait until you told me what happened. Which you still haven't done."

"Can't I tell you when I get home?"

Mom sighed. "Yes, of course, but you are _scaring_ me."

"Don't be _scared_," I pleaded.

"Do you want me to keep talking to you until Nannie gets there?" she asked.

I nodded then realized she couldn't see me. I was just making stupid mistake after stupid mistake. "Could you?"

"Of course, sweetheart."

**16**

The ride home was tense. I couldn't get my mouth to move to tell Nannie what was the matter and I could tell that was upsetting her even more than my pleas to come home immediately. I could always tell Nannie everything on my mind, but this was one thing that I knew I would only be able to tell my mother about. At least, for now.

When we got home, half the family was waiting outside for me. I started to cry as soon as I saw them, shivering and wrapped up in winter coats, waiting for me. I was overwhelmed by their fear and concern for me. Nannie pulled into the driveway and my mother opened the door for me even before Nannie had put it into park.

"Kristy!" she gasped and I could immediately tell she had been crying. Watson steadied us both as I clung to her getting out of the car. Karen and David Michael were standing to one side, looking concerned. I knew that Benny was inside watching Emily Michelle and Grace. There wasn't much reason to pull the little ones out this late at night.

I just kept crying and repeating "Mom" over and over again. Watson and my mother led me into the house and I could hear Nannie telling Karen and David Michael to go to the playroom and keep the younger kids busy. Karen grumbled for a bit, then reluctantly followed my brother down the hall and out of sight. Watson guided me to the kitchen table and helped me to sit down as Mom and Nannie began to hurry around the kitchen to make sandwiches and hot tea.

"What's going on?" Watson asked me, trying to wipe some of the tears from my cheeks. I shook my head helplessly. "Please, Kristy, what is it?"

"You're all going to hate me," I moaned. "I've been such an idiot!"

"Nobody hates you," Nannie scolded, almost absentmindedly. She set a sandwich down in front of me. My favorite, peanut butter and apple slices. I couldn't even bring myself to lift it from the plate. Nannie nudged my mother towards the table and stood by the stove, waiting for the tea kettle to boil. Mom took a seat beside me and began rubbing my back.

"Sweetheart, nothing you could have done would make us hate you. You know we love you and that nothing will ever change that," she told me. I sobbed harder.

"This isn't normal!" I moaned. Watson gave up on trying to wipe away my tears and stuffed some paper napkins in my hands. I clenched my fists around them tightly. "I've done something so _stupid_. You're going to hate me!"

"Kristy, calm down," Watson said quietly. I looked over at him. "Just tell us what it is. I'm sure it isn't something that we can't help you to fix."

"It is."

"Water's boiling," Nannie said to herself. I started to laugh and felt Mom's hands tighten on my shoulders.

"Well, that's good," I laughed, quickly becoming hysterical. "Because I'm going to have a baby."

**16**

It was 2 o'clock in the morning when I heard someone knock on my bedroom door. Normally, members of my family just barge right into everyone else's bedrooms, so for someone to knock, something was up. I knew that something was the bomb shell I had just dropped on my family as well as the fact that it was two in the morning. I sat up, rubbing at my eyes.

"Come in," I called.

The door opened and closed quickly, before I could really see who it was. A few moments later I felt a weigh settle onto the edge of my bed.

"It's me, Kristy," Karen whispered. "Did I wake you up?"

"No," I mumbled.

"Liar."

We sat in silence for a moment before I scooted over towards the wall and tossed back my comforter.

"Get in," I instructed and she did so.

Karen and I had always been closer than some blood-related sisters I knew. We had two sets of different parents, but that didn't seem to make any difference. I loved her just the same as I loved my other brothers and sisters, maybe even a little more. We were always so much alike that it made getting along a piece of cake- and a nightmare, sometimes. Still, we could always read each other's minds, up until recently, and that's what really connected us so well.

She snuggled against me like she used to when she was still a little kid. She was a little taller than I was, so it felt a little strange.

"Dad and Elizabeth weren't going to tell us what was going on until tomorrow," Karen told me quietly. Tomorrow was Saturday. At least the kids didn't have to worry about facing a school day after being told what was going on. At least something was working out. "I made them tell me, though."

"So, you know," I whispered. "What do you think?"

"About the baby?" she asked. "I think it's great. I love having babies around the house. Grace will be old enough to know she's aunt, too." She giggled. "That'll be weird."

"I meant, what do you think about me?" I asked. "Don't you think I'm disgusting or something?"

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm not married. Because of how I got pregnant. Because this isn't something that Watson Brewer would want dirtying his name." I shook my head. "Who wants an 18 year old pregnant stepdaughter who doesn't even know who got her that way or how exactly it happened."

"Dad loves you," Karen said softly. "You know he thinks of you guys as he own kids."

"Well, Charlie and Sam never got some nameless girl pregnant."

"Elizabeth told me what happened." We were both quiet for a moment. "It wasn't your fault."

"I was drinking, wasn't I?" I asked, feeling tears start to well up in my eyes. I blinked them back hurriedly. "I was probably asking for it."

"Elizabeth told me what happened," Karen repeated. "I told you. I made them tell me everything. Well, everything that you told them."

"Why?"

She sighed. "Because you're my sister and I love you? Besides, stop saying it was all your fault. Even if you were drunk off your ass-"

"Karen!"

"It doesn't give any guy the right to do what that guy did to you." She rolled over onto her side so that she was facing me. I closed my eyes. "Nobody ever has the right to hurt someone like that."

"Mom told you everything?" I asked weakly.

"She can trust me," Karen said gently. "It's not like I'm going to go around telling it to everyone I know."

"I know… it's just…"

"I'm not as little or as innocent as you think I am," Karen told me. I opened my eyes to look at her. "I've seen a lot of stuff."

"Karen… not like this…"

"Haven't I?"

I stared into her blue eyes for nearly a minute, struggling to process what she had just said. I shook my head weakly.

"No, Karen…"

"I don't want to talk about it," she said abruptly. Her hand felt around under the covers until she caught mine. "This is about you."

"Maybe I don't want it to be." I winced. "That sounded bad."

"Yeah, but I know what you mean, even if you suck at saying it," she said then smiled. "Do you even remember the last time I slept in your bed?"

"Not for a couple of years," I said, following her change of subject. "You were shorter than me the last time."

"Yeah, I probably thought I was cooler, too." She rolled back onto her back. "Your sheets are stiff. Do you wash these things in starch or something?"

"Not up to your standards, Lady Karen?" I retorted in a stuffy British accent. She shook her head and giggled.

"Definitely not."

We both giggled for a few minutes, bantering playfully with one another. Finally, we both fell into silence and I had just about given up hope that Karen was still awake when she squeezed my hand.

"Kristy, you know that nobody hates you, right?"

"What?"

"I heard what you kept saying to Dad and Elizabeth," she answered quietly. "You know that isn't true, right? Everyone in this house, and in a lot of other houses, love you no matter what happens, especially if it wasn't even your fault."

I pressed my free hand down onto my belly. I knew it was too early to feel anything, but I tried to imagine what the tiny life inside of me looked like.

"Do you think they'll love the baby?" I asked her in a tiny voice.

"Are you kidding? You see how many kids are in this family. Dad and Elizabeth will only be sad that it isn't theirs," Karen said with a hint of laughter in her voice. "I think they were even thinking about adopting another kid or two into the family. I heard them talking about adoption again. At this rate, we're going to have to start shoving kids onto the third floor."

"With old Ben Brewer."

Karen nudged me. "Shut up. You know he's up there."

"OK, whatever, crazy."

"Bite me."

"God, you have gotten so feisty."

"Yeah, well, you've left me your old post as the oldest girl around the house. Someone's got to beat those boys into submission, right?"

I rolled over and threw my arms around her shoulders. Karen let out a small "oof" of surprise and hugged me back. I took a few gulping breaths to regain control, but I still sounded watery when I spoke.

"I love you, Karen."

She surprised me by kissing me on the top of my head. Like I had always done for her whenever she came running in my bedroom at night, scared by a nightmare she had no doubt given to herself with talk of ghosts in the attic and witches next door. She patted my back comfortingly.

"I love you, too." She nestled down under the covers better and sighed. "It's two thirty in the morning. Let's get some sleep."

"Aye, aye."

I felt asleep feeling better about myself than I had felt in a very long time.


	17. Not a Lot Left to Say

**Chapter 17: Not a Lot Left to Say**

**Claudia**

_December 9_

_A lot of weird things have been happening lately. First of all, I got a raise during the same week that one of the older girls working in the pharmacy quit. Secondly, Dad and Mom have decided to go to a marriage counselor (even though I'm not supposed to know about that). I figure it's because of the Ramsey's- Mom and Dad are having so much trouble trying to find a way to agree on how to deal with their deaths._

_Finally, there was the whole thing with Kristy…_

I didn't expect to see Kristy that day in the supermarket. I knew from Stacey that most of the colleges let out a week later and that all of my old friends who had gone off to college would be home then. Since I knew it was probably finals week (once more from Stacey, who has been calling me more and more often), I thought it was especially weird to see Kristy browsing the fruit section diligently with her mother.

I called out her name and hurried over.

"Kristy, hi!" I said when I got close enough. "What are you doing home so soon? Is your school on a different schedule from everyone else's?"

Strangely enough, Kristy shot a nervous look over to her mother, who was watching us from over near the bananas. Without taking any with her, Mrs. Brewer pushed her cart over to us.

"Hello, Claudia," she said politely. "How's the job going?"

I shrugged. "All right. It's just a job for now, but I'm thinking I might want to try and see if I can pass some of those certification tests so that I can be a technician and make some more money. Cashiers don't make much."

Mrs. Brewer smiled warmly. "I remember working as a cashier when I was your age. I put off college when I got pregnant with Charlie."

Kristy gave her mother another nervous look and Mrs. Brewer stared back this time. I swallowed.

"Well, maybe I ought to get going. I'm putting in some extra hours tonight." I laughed, starting to feel as nervous as Kristy was acting. "Overtime."

"Why don't you girls get caught up?" Mrs. Brewer nudged Kristy towards me and Kristy looked down at her sneakers. "I'll meet you over in the frozen food section."

"I thought you did those towards the end," Kristy protested.

"Good to see you, Claudia, honey," Mrs. Brewer said with a smile and swept off before Kristy could say anything about it.

We both just stood there for a moment, feeling awkward as was probably humanly possible. I shrugged, figuring I might as well make an effort to fix that.

"Off early?" I asked again. Kristy looked up at me, something almost fearful in her eyes.

"Not really."

I nodded towards the oranges and Kristy followed me as I walked. "Yeah? What happened?"

"Do you promise not to tell anyone?" she asked suddenly. I turned to stare at her, not putting down the orange I just picked up. "Not anyone."

"Something bad happened?" I asked. Kristy nodded and looked away from me. I could tell she was struggling not to cry. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I just haven't told anyone yet…"

I nodded. "Well, if you want to wait until Mary Anne comes home or something…"

She shook her head violently. "No, Claud. I want to tell you, I do."

I waited for a minute as she looked everywhere but at me. "Do you want me to call you later tonight? I meant it when I said I probably should get moving."

"No, I can do this." Kristy swallowed then focused her eyes back on me again. I raised my eyebrows expectantly. "I'm pregnant, Claudia."

I dropped the orange. Immediately, we both dropped down to scoop it back up. I grabbed it and pulled her back upright.

"Be careful!" I said a little louder than I had meant to. Kristy shoved her hands into her pockets, blushing. "Sorry. Did I hear you right?"

"Yeah." She shook her head and chewed on her bottom lip. "I'm going to have a baby."

"Whose is it?" I asked, still feeling a little stunned. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend."

"I don't. I don't know whose it is."

_Wow._

"Kristy, that's… I mean…"

"I was raped, Claudia." She shook her head, clearly annoyed at herself. "Or, date raped. I was really drunk and when I woke up the next morning, I was all beaten up. My mom thinks someone might have put something into my drink."

_Double wow._

"Kristy, I am so sorry," I said quietly. I finally set the stupid orange back down and reached out to hug her. She let herself be hugged, but her arms hung limp and lifeless at her sides. "Is there anything I can do to help? Are your parents upset?"

She shook head as I pulled back again. "No, they're all right with it. You know how much they love having kids. They'll probably steal it away and pretend it's theirs anyways, they're so obsessed with kids."

I laughed. "Your parents do have a lot of children."

"I'm really just adding to the crowd," Kristy said with a smile. I returned it. It was good to see Kristy smile. I don't think I'd seen her smile since the summer. "Besides, Karen's at the age where she loves to baby sit, so my parents don't even have to hire outside help."

"Wow, remember when we did that all the time?" She nodded fondly. "I miss the BSC sometimes. I sometimes think about answering the phone that way, just to see what would happen."

Kristy laughed. "You'd probably just confuse the heck out of whoever was calling."

"I know, but it would be fun." I reached out and touched her shoulder. "Maybe you could come over sometime and we'll do it together."

"Like old times," Kristy said. She looked very sad all of a sudden. I wanted to reach out and hold her close against as she looked down at her shoes in quiet despair. It hurt so much to know she was suffering with this and there really wasn't much I could do to help her. "Maybe I should go."

"If you need anything, let me know," I told her, suddenly desperate to show her what a good friends I could be. What a good friend I was _going_ to be. Kristy smiled and shook her head, but I kept talking. "Seriously. Even if you just need someone to talk to."

She smiled. "Yeah. That would be nice."

"Anytime," I promised.

We said our goodbyes and Kristy headed off to rejoin her mother. I shook my head when I could no longer see her. Who would imagine Kristy Thomas as an unwed, pregnant teenager?

**17**

Hours later, I stood side by side with my sister, helping to fix up dinner. We had agreed to work on an Italian dinner tonight. Mom and Dad were coming home late from counseling and we wanted to have something quick, easy, and hot sitting on the table when everyone was home. Unfortunately, Janine wasn't much good in the kitchen, despite her killer IQ, and I wasn't much help to her. So, we decided spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread would be an easy enough meal for us to fix without burning the house down.

"So, do you think we're going to be cooking a lot of meals now?" Janine asked carefully as she tore apart a head of lettuce.

"With the counseling?" I asked in return.

"Yes."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Probably. We might want to find a _Cooking for Dummies_ book or a thick stack of take-out and delivery menus."

"I've got both in my apartment," Janine confided with a giggle. I smiled. "Yet, all of my cooking ends up tasting like cardboard. At least, according to Brian."

Brian is Janine's fiancée. They live together, something my parents were against to start with until Janine agreed to rent out a two bedroom apartment. I don't think my parents quite understand, though, why one bedroom is half bedroom with a twin bed, dresser, and nightstand and the other half is an office with a large desk, computer hardware, and stacks and stacks of papers. Of course, my parents aren't stupid, so maybe they just pretend not to notice.

Janine is only 21, but she graduated from Cornell with a degree in biology when she was 20. With all of the college courses she took in high school, she actually entered college as a junior. So, after two years, she graduated from Cornell and moved out of our parents' house to live in upstate New York. She and Brian live in a suburb of Rochester, which is a city right next to Lake Ontario. Brian is finishing up his degree in physics at the University of Rochester and Janine is working at a local zoo. Apparently, despite everyone's expecting her to go into physics or something, she has taken a real liking to zoology. She's waiting for Brian to finish his bachelor's degree so that they can both start graduate school together.

She and Brian both went to spend the holidays with their families this year. They are, however, each visiting the other's family over two different weekends. I guess, though, they both decided to take a little break from responsibilities for a while. Janine had a lot of vacation time stored up and decided to use it for a month off here in good, old Stoneybrook.

Me? I would've taken a cruise to the Bahamas.

"So, he doesn't like your cooking?" I asked, glancing at her while I tried to slice carrots to toss into the salad.

Janine rolled her eyes. "That's an understatement. But, as I always tell him, at least he's not fending for himself."

"That's true."

"Although, a steady diet of Easy Mac and cheese sandwiches is probably healthier than the stuff I try to concoct." She tossed the shredded lettuce into a strainer and began to run water over it. "So, Claudia, I've been meaning to ask you about something."

"Mm?"

"Are you hiding a secret from me?"

I looked up in surprise. Janine looked right back at me. "How could you tell?"

"You bite your nails whenever you're hiding something and your nails are a mess."

I looked down. Yes, they were. I'd have to file them and repaint them this evening, after dinner.

"Want to tell me what it is?" she asked.

I sighed. "Oh, Janine, I don't know. It's kind of a big deal secret, you know. I don't want the person who told it to me to get angry with me."

"Well, all right. I just thought it was something you wanted to get off your chest," she said, way too casually. "I mean, you look like you wanted to tell someone."

"I do," I confessed, already feeling guilty. "And, I guess I could tell you, but you'd have to swear on your life that it never leaves this room. Clear?"

"Like crystal," she said, crossing herself. "I swear I won't tell another living soul."

"Not even _Brian_."

She rolled her eyes. "Not even Brian."

"OK… well, I have a friend who is pregnant."

"Ah, I knew it had to be something like that. I'm actually amazed that you and your friends made it all the way through high school with no pregnancy scares."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded. How dare she suggest that any of my friends were running around, having sex at every available opportunity!

"Calm down," Janine replied, turning off the water and shaking the strainer to get most of the water off the lettuce. Then, she dumped the washed greens into the big wooden salad bowl we always used for special dinners. "It's just that I had some friends, well, at least people who I knew, that had a few of those."

"Oh. Well, she's definitely pregnant, at least from what she told me."

"What is she going to do with it?" Janine asked casually.

"What?"

"Is she going to have an abortion? She's awful young, isn't she?"

I set down my knife, not really sure why I had a sudden surge of anger rush through me. "No, she's keeping the baby. Why would you just assume that she would abort it?"

Janine turned to face me, not bothering to continue working. I stopped as well.

"Claudia, how old is she?"

"My age, but still. That's 18 years old. She's an adult and she can take care of a baby."

Janine laughed and I clenched my jaw. "Claudia, I'm 21, have a bachelor's degree, a fiancée, a full time job, and a decent apartment. _I_ couldn't handle a baby at this point in my life. I'm still too young and inexperienced to bring another life into this world. What makes you think that an _18 year old_ with none of those things could do it?"

"She could do it," I said stubbornly. "She's _great_ with kids."

"Being great with children has nothing to do with it, Claudia," Janine said, sounding intolerably preachy. I hated when she started to lecture me. "You have to be willing to not sleep more than a couple hours a day to keep up with a new baby. You spend tons of money on food, diapers, doctor's appointments, and everything else. Do you really think your friend could do that?"

"Kristy could, yes."

Janine's eyes widened and I squeezed my eyes shut. I really had _not _meant to say her name.

"Well… I suppose Kristy would have a little more help than the average 18 year old would. After all, she does have her family to help take care of the baby and she won't be a mess financially." She looked over at me. "Unless, of course, her parents didn't want her to have the baby. They're not making her move out, are they? They're going to help her?"

"I didn't ask," I said quietly. "I guess so."

"Good," Janine said. She nodded and turned back to her salad. "That's good."

We finished making dinner in silence. We ate dinner in silence, too, since Janine and I didn't want to talk and neither did Mom and Dad. I stabbed my fork into a meatball thinking about how sadly dysfunctional our family was quickly becoming.

**17**

"Hello, Stacey?"

"Claudia, is that you?"

"Yeah. So, I haven't heard from you in a week or so. Did you drop off the face of the Earth or something?"

Stacey was quiet for a moment and I heard the comfortable sounds of a meal being prepared in the background. It didn't sound anything like her dorm.

"Stace?"

"Oh, sorry," she said quickly. "I've had a lot going on lately."

"You're not the only one," I said, sitting down on my bed. I had shut the door firmly so that Janine wouldn't listen in. I was still upset about our pre-dinner conversation. "What with Jessi and Kristy-"

"What happened to Kristy?" Stacey demanded. I blushed.

"Uh, she should probably tell you herself. It's her story, not mine. I don't want her to think she can't trust me or anything, you know?"

"Yeah." Stacey was quiet for another stretch of time and spoke just as I was getting ready to ask if she was still there. "Claud, I have something to tell you."

"Not more bad news, I hope," I said. "I don't think I can handle another sob story, Stace. No offence."

"None taken," she said quietly.

"Unless, it's something really important, of course."

"It's not," she said dismissively. "I'll tell you about it later."

"Good," I said, not quite sure how to handle the conversation. "So, did you hear about the sales this year at the Washington Mall? Apparently, tons of stores are having half priced sales. Want to be my fellow mall rat when you get home?"

"I would love to," she said, sounding a little more comfortable. "I have to do something about my wardrobe. I feel like I need a makeover or something."

"I thought you just did one at the beginning of September," I said.

"Well, yeah, but things change. I kind of want to try something new out, you know? Fresh start for the new year?"

"Well, it wouldn't hurt. Unless, of course, your dad says no to the spending spree."

"Are you kidding?" she asked with a little laugh. "Dad's rolling in money. He's actually encouraging me to spend as much as I want because he says he wants his little girl to look fabulous. Well, I said fabulous, not him, but it's the same thing, really."

"That's awesome," I told her earnestly. "I wish my family had that kind of money."

"I thought you had a job," she said.

"I do, but it's to help me save up for SCC next year. I mean, it's only a community college, but I don't want to take out any loans, you know?" I shrugged and began to trace little patterns onto my comforter. "Besides, I can't go crazy with my money anymore. Mom and Dad are kind of monitoring what I spend after last year's spendathon."

"Ah, yes," Stacey laughed. "That was fun."

"Not for me. Dad made me return just about everything except for essentials like socks and underwear and jeans."

"Yeah, you told me about that."

We were both quiet for a minute. I cleared my throat.

"Hey, Stace, can I tell you something?" I asked.

"Of course. We're best friends," she said eagerly.

Best friends? I hadn't heard her refer to me as her best friend since the eighth grade. Still, though, it was nice to hear somebody calling me her best friend again.

"My mom and dad are having a lot of problems lately… I'm worried about them getting divorced."

"Wow," she breathed. "Really? Is it that bad?"

"I don't know. They're going to counseling."

"Have they been fighting a lot?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I just know that Mom's worried about Dad's reaction to the Ramsey's death and that she kind of pushed towards it."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Stacey said. "More good than anything. Your parents are working together to solve something before it gets to be a real problem."

I smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Well, don't quote me or anything, but I wouldn't be so worried about it. They probably just need to clear some things up."

"Thanks, Stace. You should be a marriage counselor or something," I told her with a laugh. She was completely silent. "Stacey?"

"I don't think so, Claud," she said quietly. "I don't think I want to have anything to do with marriage for a long time. Maybe ever."

"I thought you and Teddy were quite the hot item."

"We broke up," she snapped. "He's a real bastard."

"Wow, Stace, what happened?"

"I… I can't really talk about it yet. It's still pretty raw, you know?"

"No, I don't, but I'll trust you. You know, you can call me whenever. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."

"I know," she said gently. "I'm just not even ready to say anything about it to myself yet."

"I love you, Stace."

"I love you, too, Claudia," she said, a tiny laugh creeping into her voice. "I'll call you later, all right? Dinner's ready here."

"OK."

"Bye."

"Bye, Stacey."

**17**

I crept downstairs around midnight to get some water and found the TV still on. I went into the living room with my glass of water and found my father sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels at a fast pace. He looked startled to see me when I came in the room and muted the TV.

"What are you doing up?" he asked.

I held out my glass. "I was thirsty. What about you?"

"Couldn't sleep," he said and turned to face the silent TV again. "Care to join me or do you have to work tomorrow?"

"I'm off tomorrow," I said, taking a seat next to him. "You're off, too?"

"I'm calling in," he told me in way that suggested I not press the issue further. I didn't.

"Is MASH on?" I asked.

"Actually, yes," Dad said, flipping over to the channel it was on. "Do you want to watch? It's a marathon that doesn't end until 6 in the morning."

"I think we'd better get us some rations if we're going to make a night of it," I said with a laugh. Dad pressed his finger to his lips to remind me to keep my voice low. Janine and Mom were asleep. He stood up and offered me his hand.

"Come on. I've got a stash of junk food your mother doesn't know about in the garage fridge and freezer. We can make us some curly fries, quesadillas, and those little bagel pizzas. What do you say?"

I took his hand and stood up. "Can I whip up some double thick chocolate milkshakes?"

"You'd better," he told me, hurrying off to the garage to fetch the forbidden foods.

I smiled as I began to fix up our milkshakes. There were far worse things to be doing on a Thursday night than eating tons of junky, fattening foods with my dad and watching a whole marathon of MASH on TV. Besides, the smile he gave me was the first real, warm smile I had seen from him since the funeral.

Maybe Dad just need for the rest of us to spend some quality time with him in the ways that we could best. I'd have to tell Mom about that in the morning. For now, however, I had some milkshakes to make and some MASH to watch.


	18. My Brown Eyed Girl

**Chapter 18: My Brown Eyed Girl**

**Mary Anne**

_December 18_

_You won't even believe who I ran into today. Well, all right, maybe you will. Remember that doctor I mentioned who was working on Jessi's team? Dr. Houston? Or, should I just call him Jeff now? Anyways, we bumped into one another at the Washington Mall, seeing as how we had both put off shopping for Christmas presents just a little too long. Let me put it this way: he's definitely just as dashing without the whole white doctor coat and stethoscope…_

I was shopping in one the mall's little boutiques, struggling to figure out what to get everyone on my limited budget. I figured all the girls would be getting socks and a bunch of homemade Christmas cookies and the boys would be getting even more cookies. What can I say, though? A girl has got to learn how to live within a budget at some point and it might as well be now.

I was studying a pair of knee high socks with little cartoon-ish bugs on them, trying to decide whether or not Dawn would like them when a man stumbled right into the back of me and pushed me up against the display.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" I snapped and whirled around. I was all ready to get good and mad when I recognized the man's face. It was Jessi's doctor. The one I had thought was really good looking. The one I immediately knew was still really good looking. I blushed. "Oh, sorry."

"No, you should yell. I almost killed you there."

I laughed, just a little too loud and looked down at the floor for a moment. I had to stop being a complete nerd for just ten minutes, OK? Please? For even just five minutes or at least until the hot doctor man was gone.

"I'm all right. I fell against socks. They're cushy."

Oh, _God_. I said _cushy_. What the heck was wrong with me?

"Yeah," he laughed. "Not the worst thing to get pushed up against."

We smiled at one another, both waiting in awkward silence for minute.

"So, doing some Christmas shopping?" he asked. I nodded and held up the bug socks I had been studying for Dawn.

"Yeah. These are maybe for my sister, Dawn. I'm trying to decide if she'll think they're cute or if she'll think they're appalling."

"Well, if I have any say in it, I don't think they're bad at all." He grinned. "Something I'd give to my kid sister."

"Yeah?" I asked. "How old is she?"

"Turning 19 in a few weeks. She's really into funky socks at the moment."

I blushed. His little sister was my age? I probably should not bother to continue this conversation. It was a little weird already.

"So, you're friends with Jessi," he said, since we both knew I was. I nodded.

"Yeah, almost since she first came here. To Stoneybrook, I mean."

"She's a good kid," he said. "I can't imagine going through everything she does."

I nodded. "Me either."

"So, do you want to keep on talking about Jessi?" he asked suddenly. I blinked.

"What?"

"I was thinking maybe we could talk about _you_," he said, his face tinting red with a faint blush. I bit my lower lip, trying not to grin. "You know, I've seen you around the hospital visiting, but I never get the chance to ask about you."

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"For starters, do you have a boyfriend?"

I laughed in amazement, which made Dr. Houston grin. I shook my head.

"I can't believe you're asking me this."

"Why not?" He glanced around for a moment. "Don't tell anyone, but I find you sinfully attractive."

"If I'm so sinfully attractive, why bother go after me?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I've never had much self-control, especially when it comes to gorgeous women." He grinned again. "So, how about it? Are you seeing anyone?"

I smiled. "Not at the moment."

"Would you be interested in having a drink sometime?"

Crap. I'd have to admit that I wasn't 21 yet.

"I'm not much of a drinker," I confessed. He shrugged.

"What about dinner? Lunch?" His grin grew more devilish. "Breakfast, perhaps."

"Dinner," I said. "You can buy me dinner."

"How does tomorrow night sound?"

"I'm free," I said. I would clear my calendar if I wasn't. "7?"

"Excellent. I'll pick you up."

"All right."

He walked, no practically _sauntered_, away and I nodded my head. I could use some fun, especially when Stoneybrook was nothing but miserable now.

**18**

"Where are you going?" Dawn asked me as I struggled with my hair.

"Out," I said, wrestling a particularly nasty knot.

"On a date?" she asked, her mouth breaking into a grin. "With who?"

"Oh, come on, Dawn," I said. "You always jump to conclusions. You don't know that I'm going on a date."

"You're wearing your 'I'm sexy' shoes," she pointed out. I looked down. They were fabulous shoes. I shook my head.

"It's just a regular date," I said. "I wanted to go out and said yes to the first guy to ask me."

"That's such a lie," she told me. She looked around my bedroom before catching sight of my day planner. With a superhuman lunge, she grabbed it before I had a chance to steal it away from her and flipped open to today's page. Her mouth dropped open.

"Dr. Houston?" she asked with a high pitched squeak. I grabbed the book away from her.

"Yes, he asked me out."

Dawn started laughing. "Did you tell him you're still 18?"

"I don't see how that matters," I said, returning to my battle. My brush kept getting stuck in the big tangles and I groaned. "We're both consenting adults."

"I'm not talking about _sex_, Mary Anne. I'm talking about the fact that he's got to be at least 10 years older than you!"

"Be quiet," I hissed. "Do you want Dad and Sharon to hear you?"

"Well, maybe they can knock some sense into your head," she said with a sulk. She sat back down on my bed. "You know this is weird, right?"

"He's hot and he's a doctor," I told her. "I thought that's what I was _supposed_ to be looking for in a husband."

"Yeah, when you're _25_ or something." She stood up and stood behind me so that I could clearly see her in the mirror. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"You went to Thanksgiving dinner at your 'best friend's' house. That wasn't such a good idea, either."

"Don't bring that up," she said angrily. I could tell that I had hit a nerve with that remark. The day that Dawn had been dreaming about had ended so badly that she had flown home for Christmas so that she wouldn't have to face her father, who had picked her up at her friend's house to drive her back to her dorm. She had been an emotional train wreck that day and, though she called to let me know that the whole thing had bombed out horribly, she refused to go into any detail and I knew better than to press her for information. I also knew better not to bring it up now, in the middle of this fight, but I was too angry to stop myself. I glared back at her, trying very hard not to feel bad about what I had just said because if I did I'd have to apologize for it.

"Maybe you should keep your thoughts to yourself, then," I said very quietly. Dawn stared at me then nodded.

"All right, _fine_. I won't say anything, but don't come _crying_ to me when it doesn't work out."

"I won't." I turned to face her. "I have to finish getting ready, if you're _done_ trying to sabotage my dating life."

Dawn glared at me then stormed out of the room. I heard her door slam shut. I shook my head angrily. What couldn't people just mind their own damn business for once?

**18**

"I really enjoyed our date tonight."

I smiled at Jeff happily. I couldn't imagine why Dawn would've doubted him to be good boyfriend material. "I did, too."

"Maybe we could do this again."

"I'd really like that," I said with a smile.

Jeff nodded and pulled a card out of his coat pocket. "Here's my number. Call me sometime."

"I will," I promised happily.

"Excellent." He grabbed my hands and pulled me in for a kiss. I felt his mouth open against my lips and opened my own mouth to allow him access. As soon as his tongue entered my mouth (which sent a pleasant number of tingles up and down my spine), the light above the front door flashed on. I pulled away quickly.

"Oh, God, do they always have to do that?"

Jeff laughed. "So, you still live at home?"

"Not really. Just visiting at the moment."

"Well, I don't want to get you in any trouble, so give me a call when you get the chance." I nodded and he squeezed my hands. "I'll see you soon?"

"You bet."

"Awesome. Good night, Mary Anne."

"Good night, Jeff."

I waited until his car was out of sight before wheeling around and opening the door. Dawn was standing there, looking a little uneasy.

"God, Dawn, what the hell is the matter with you?" I slammed my purse onto the hallway table. "Why can't you just mind your own business?"

"It's Kristy, Mary Anne," she said quietly and I stilled.

"What about her?"

"She's in the kitchen and she's really upset," Dawn told me and I practically threw my coat to the floor. "I don't know why, she won't tell me. She really needs to talk to you."

"Right."

I hurried into the kitchen to find Kristy sitting at the table, a mug of hot chocolate in front of her. She didn't seem to notice it and it was already growing cold. I pulled up a chair to sit next to her.

"Kristy, what's going on?"

She stared at me with exhausted eyes. I could tell she had been crying. I could also tell that she had probably just cried herself dry, too.

"Mary Anne, I have something really important to tell you," she said quietly. "I didn't want to bring it up before when you came over because you looked so happy and I didn't want to bring you down or anything."

I patted her hand. "That's all right. Tell me now."

"I'm pregnant," she said without hesitation. I almost pulled away in surprise, but forced myself not to. "I'm going to be having a baby."

"What happened?" I shook my head. "Well, of course I know what happened. With who?"

"The guy who raped me," she said with a small sob. I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in for a firm hug.

"Oh, God, Kristy, I wish you had told me earlier. How long have you been sitting on this without telling anyone?"

"A while," she murmured into my hair. "I didn't know how to tell you."

"You did just fine," I told her and pulled away. Kristy's eyes welled with tears, but not a single one fell.

"I thought maybe you would hate me," she whispered.

"Why would I hate you?"

"I told Claudia and… well, she hasn't talked to me since."

I squeezed her hand. "Maybe she just doesn't know what to say."

"Yeah, maybe." Kristy dropped her gaze to the floor.

It was killing me to see her like this. Instead of looking bright and excited like she had before, her face was tired and drawn. Her eyes were no longer glancing about the room with a restless, creative energy, but were focused on my parents' kitchen floor. Her hair, which had always at least looked cleaned if it wasn't the most stylish, was limp and it looked like she had just given up taking care of herself. I choked back some tears myself as I took her chin to lift up her head.

"Kristy, I will do everything and anything I can to help you," I told her earnestly. She began to cry.

"Really? Do you really mean that?"

I broke down into tears myself. "Kristy, I love you. I'm never going to abandon you. Ever."

"I just felt like we had grown apart so much," she sobbed. "I didn't know who I could turn to anymore."

"Me," I said firmly, my tears coming to a stop. Suddenly, I didn't need to cry. I needed to be brave and strong for her and the few tears I had shed were enough for now. I needed to be there for her. "Kristy, I want you to spend the night tonight."

She shook her head. "No, I don't want to be a burden on you. I've already ruined your night."

"You did not," I said with a small laugh. "Definitely not."

"Dawn told me you were on a date and that he was some hot doctor," she said then began to laugh. It was a gentle, calm laugh and so far removed from what I was expecting that I smiled warmly.

"That's OK. I was only going to take a bath or shower or something." I saw Dawn standing in the doorway. I knew by her facial expression that she had just heard everything we had said. Somehow, I didn't care. "Why don't the three of us have a girls' night?"

"Yeah," Dawn spoke up suddenly. "We'll order pizzas and stuff."

"OK," Kristy said quietly. "OK. That sounds good."

"And, we're listening to some music," Dawn said. I cocked my head in interest. We followed her into the family room where there was a large stereo system that my dad had installed last Thanksgiving. Dawn hunted around the CDs for a minute before selecting one and popping it into the player. "I think this might make you feel a little better. I know Mary Anne loves this song."

Out of the stereo came a familiar melody.

_Hey where did we go, days when the rains came. Down in the hollow, playin' a new game._

Kristy laughed. "My dad used to sing this to me when I was a little girl."

"Yeah, I remember you mentioning that," Dawn said quietly. She glanced over at me and I smiled. There was no more tension between us. We had banded together for Kristy. "I also remember that you said how much this song means to you."

Kristy smiled, wiping her cheeks of tears. "I'm glad I have you guys."

_Laughing and a running hey, hey… skipping and a jumping, in the misty morning fog with our hearts a thumpin'_

Dawn and I both hurried to wrap our arms around our friend. Kristy, the brave and courageous girl was now turning to us for help. I looked up into Dawn's eyes.

"_And you, my brown eyed girl_," we both sang together. Kristy, who was still sandwiched between us began to laugh. She joined in for the next line. "_You, my brown eyed girl_."

We stayed up for hours, watching movies, singing songs that Kristy or Dawn selected, and finally curling up in front of the fireplace with blankets and pillows. After talking for an hour or so, Dawn drifted off into sleep and Kristy and I fell into a sleepy silence.

"I'm really glad you're my best friend," she whispered suddenly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you, Kristy," I reminded her for the millionth time that night. "You know that."

"I know. Thanks."


	19. For Yonder Breaks a Glorious Morning

**Chapter 19: For Yonder Breaks a New and Glorious Morn**

**Jessi**

_December 25_

_Christmas day. I finished moving into the Brewer's mansion. They haven't adopted me. Yet. I'm still trying to convince everyone that I'm just a foster child, but the Brewer's seem hell-bent on adding me to their brood. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'd like to have a real family again, even if it isn't Mama and Daddy and Becca and Squirt, but I feel like I'm betraying them if I do allow myself to join another family…_

It was early morning when I woke up. In the hospital, I was used to be woken up every hour or so for tests, so I had become a very light sleeper. I think I was drifting lightly in and out of sleep the whole night. I still felt tired, but the first rays of gray sunlight were peeking into my bedroom, so I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

I stretched my body as much as I could with my legs in braces and my ribs still a little tender. I opened my eyes slowly as I did and looked up. The ceiling was the most pristine white I had ever seen. I have been in this room for three days now and that ceiling still surprises me every time I see it.

I dragged myself into a sitting position and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Knowing that nobody was awake yet, I had my first real chance to study my new bedroom.

It was on the first floor, down a little hall off the family room. According to Karen, the little suite of rooms in this hallway were originally intended for the maids and butlers. She assured me, however, that they had been spending weeks making sure it was just as perfectly nice as any other section of the house. Karen also pointed out that the three bedrooms and bathroom in the little suite were secluded from the rest of the house, so that I would have more privacy. The Brewers also had a speaker system installed into the suite so that I could just press a button if I needed any help.

Kristy, Sam, and David Michael had volunteered to paint my bedroom. Kristy told me about the battles they had over and over again concerning which colors my room ought to be. Sam was firm on red, David Michael wanted pink (since, Kristy told me, I'm a girl and, obviously, girls like pink), and Kristy wanted blue. In the end, Kristy won, citing the fact that my old bedroom had been painted blue. They even fought about what shade of blue and finally came to the consensus that it should be a bright, vibrant shade of blue. Something splashy and fun. I suppose they wanted to brighten my spirits with bright, vibrant room. It didn't hurt.

The carpet, which was laid down after the painting was completed, was a very dark shade of blue. Perfect, I realized, to hide tiny spills of nail polish or juice. Mama had insisted on a dark blue carpet for Squirt's room once he really started moving around so that she wouldn't have to spend quite as much time scrubbing it after any number of stain fiascos.

There wasn't a lot of furniture in the bedroom, but the furniture that was in here was _huge_. The Brewers hadn't moved my old furniture into my new bedroom. Instead of my rather high, small twin sized bed, there was a queen sized bed that was much lower to the ground. I could easily get in and out of it, which, I'm sure was their reasoning in buying me a brand new bed.

The bedding was really nice, too. The sheets were a polka dot pattern of blue, brown, and orange while each of the regular pillows in my bed were solid colored. There were two long body pillows, with the polka dot pattern, as well as a matching bed skirt. My comforter was thick, plushy, and blue. I had to admit, my bed was very wonderfully nice and comfortable. I almost started to cry, though, when I saw that the afghan my mother and grandmother had made when my mother was a little girl was folded neatly at the foot of my bed. I had no idea how they found out that this afghan was so important.

At the foot of my bed was a cedar trunk that I had yet to look into. It was the same dark mahogany as the rest of the furniture in my bedroom.

So, with a little struggle, I got to my feet with my crutches, and hobbled over to the trunk. I decided to sit down in front of it since I knew I wouldn't be able to bend over to look into the trunk. Sitting down was also a struggle, but when I was finally in a comfortable position on the floor, I open the heavy lid and peered inside. My mouth opened in surprise. It was almost completely full.

Resting on the top was another set of sheets, though this set was a striped brown, blue, and orange. There was also a bed skirt to match these sheets. Apparently, everything needed to match. That was all right. I didn't really mind all of the matching, even though my old bed had been a collection of random sheets and blankets, none of which ever came close to matching.

Below the second set of sheets where a stack of fleece blankets, tied together around the edges with little knots. Each was a different pattern and, after a few minutes, I realized that these blankets were homemade. I studied one which was a delicate print of little toe shoes on light pink and gradually came across a small tag that had been sewn carefully onto the blanket. It read, "For Jessi, Love Karen." I laughed a little and quickly began searching every blanket for their tags.

There was a blue blanket covered in baseballs, catcher's mitts, and bats. The tag read "From Benny." A second blue blanket was covered with basketballs and read "From David Michael." I began to laugh as I realized that the boys had made their fleece blankets with their interests in mind instead of mine.

Emily Michelle's blanket was blue and gold patterned and matched the rest of my bedroom very well. Andrew, who lived with here only part time and was here for this Christmas break for two weeks, had included a blanket as well. It was yellow with sunflowers on it. Sam and Charlie had a joint blanket which was striped red and orange and had a collection of fall leaves all over it. Kristy's was, surprising, a light purple with lilac patterns on it. Grace, obviously with help from one of her many siblings, had a pattern of lemons and glasses of lemonade. I had to laugh at how wonderfully creative this whole project was. I wondered whose idea it was in the first place. Karen had been so attentive to me since we found out I would be moving in, that I think maybe she was the one to organize this whole thing.

After pulling out Grace's blanket, I stopped dead in my tracks. At the very bottom of the trunk was another quilt. I knew the second I saw it that this wasn't just some random quilt. I pulled it out with gentle reverence and stared at it.

"I hope you don't mind what I did," came a gentle voice from the doorway. Nannie was standing there, watching me with a smile on her face.

"What is it?" I asked.

"A quilt made from important fabrics," she said. "I made one for your sister, too."

I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure Becca would ever have the chance to use this quilt. Instead, I began closely studying the quilt. I touched a silky, pink fabric and looked up at Nannie.

"That's one of your old ballet leotards. Your aunt said you had outgrown it and I figured that instead of using one of your current ones, I'd take fabric from an old one."

I ran my fingers over it, memorizing the feel of the fabric. "I used to love this leotard. It felt so good against my skin." Nannie smiled. I touched another block of fabric. It was a thick denim fabric. I looked up.

"A pair of your little brother's old jeans. Your aunt told me that this pair was the one he did the most damage to." She laughed. "There were tears and rips all over it that had been patched back together."

I smiled. "Squirt loved those jeans. He spilled a whole bowl of chocolate pudding on them one time and started to cry when Mama said she was going to throw them out. She had to wash them four times before all the chocolate was gone." I pointed at another square.

"That's one of Mama's old dresses! She used to wear that all the time when I was little. She called it her 'taking care of kids' dress. She said that it was the only dress that she didn't mind getting messy because it was so old and ratty." I shook my head. "But, it wasn't all that ratty at all. I think she just liked to make it sound like she had raggedly clothes so that Daddy would surprise her with new dresses and blouses."

"Clever woman," Nannie laughed. I joined her.

"They were so funny like that. Mama would pretend to be so burdened because she only had worn out clothes or shoes and Daddy would buy her something gorgeous to make up for it. Except that everyone knew they were just playing around. Mama never had to wear worn out things and she could buy anything whenever she wanted to." I smiled as I stroked the gingham fabric. "I think she just liked being 'surprised' by the new dresses Daddy picked out for her. She must've thought it was more fun that shopping."

"Sounds like it was," Nannie replied quietly.

"Yeah, it really was, wasn't it?"

We continued to go over the quilt. I pointed out every bit of fabric and Nannie would listen as I told the story behind each one. Aunt Cecelia must've told her all about everything Nannie used. I came to a halt when my fingers danced over a silky black fabric and a silky white one.

"Their wedding clothes?" I asked, tears pricking into my eyes. Nannie smiled and nodded.

"I figured that since you and Becca are already too big to wear your mother's dress, that I would add its fabric into your quilts. I didn't think you'd want them just sitting around, gathering dust."

I shook my head and tears began to pour down my cheeks.

"There was a picture of them in their wedding clothes in our living room," I said with my voice choked up with tears. Nannie nodded.

"We decided to duplicate that photo and have it enlarged." I cocked my head. I didn't quite understand. "If it's all right with you and Becca, we were going to hang one large, framed portrait of your parents in the atrium."

The atrium was the little area where the hallway from the family room ended. It was circular and had a few comfortable chairs within it. I could picture right where the portrait would be hung. There was a wide space between my bedroom and the bedroom everyone was calling Becca's where the portrait could easily fit on the wall.

I nodded my consent and Nannie continued.

"We're also going to have a few more copies framed and hung up in each of your rooms and in our living room as well."

"Why in there?" I asked. I couldn't imagine why the Brewers would want a picture of my parents in their living room.

"Because it's where family pictures belong," Nannie said quietly. "I thought you might like to see your parents when you go in there instead of just pictures of our family."

I began to cry too hard to speak and Nannie crouched down beside me. She wrapped an arm around me and stroked my hair.

"It's going to be all right," she whispered soothingly. "You're safe here."

I didn't answer and I don't think she expected me to. I just cried and she just held me until the morning sun made its full debut. Nannie helped me clean myself up and get dressed. She helped me into my wheelchair and we made our way to my first ever Brewer-Thomas Christmas.

**19**

"Wait, wait!" Emily Michelle shouted as the din in the living room rose with my appearance. "We still haven't decided on who is opening the first present!"

"Uh, duh, Jessi will," David Michael replied and Benny nodded firmly. I turned to look at Kristy, who had settled her head onto one of her hands and was looking very tired. She shrugged her shoulders when I caught her eye and went back to watching the kids.

"Yeah, but Grace is the youngest," Emily Michelle protested.

In a flash, the fight had escalated into a screaming match that soon even Kristy and her older brothers had jumped into. I turned to Nannie, completely baffled. Nannie smiled, then put her fingers in her mouth, and let out a perfect whistle. No wonder where Kristy learned that from. I could see Mr. and Mrs. Brewer covering their mouths to hide their smiles. I suddenly realized that this fight, though it was loud and a little overwhelming, was a typical occurrence in the Brewer-Thomas household. All of the kids froze and the older one took their seats once again. Benny, David Michael, Karen, Andrew, Emily Michelle, and Grace were still standing amid the heaps of Christmas presents.

"Why don't you let the oldest person in the household open the first present?" Nannie asked. "You kids have a lot more Christmases left in you and I gotta make the most of mine. So, Gracie, dear, why don't you find one that says 'Nannie' on it."

When Grace complied, I was speechless. Nannie seemed to have perfect control over all of these kids. I almost came across the thought that perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Brewer didn't even need to be around to help out when Grace gave her grandmother a Christmas present, then retreated to her mother's lap. Mrs. Brewer brushed the little girl's hair from her forehead and told her, very softly, what a good job she had done.

I had to look away in order not to start crying again. I looked back at Nannie who was struggling to open the present she had been given. I started laughing along with Kristy and her older brothers. Benny looked around, pretending to be completely outraged.

"I wanted to make sure Shannon didn't open it first," he huffed. Charlie let out a snort of laughter.

"I don't think anyone is going to get through the solid duct tape exterior of that thing," he said. "Why don't you just tell Nannie what it is? We can buy her another one that doesn't require a chainsaw to get to."

Benny lunged at Charlie, who caught him easily and pinned him onto the couch. They struggled and fought for a few minutes while Kristy sat at the other end, laughing. Nannie muttered under her breath and began chopping away at the duct tape with a pair of scissors that Karen had brought to her. Andrew was steering Grace, who had slipped out of her mother's lap, away from the rest of the presents. I began to laugh at the chaotic scene, too.

Our household had never been anywhere near this intense and rowdy, but this was one of the first times I had been able to laugh since the accident. I didn't feel as lonely and depressed, simply because it was impossible to feel lonely and depressed with so many people rushing about, laughing and having a great time.

Of course, as soon as I realized that I was suddenly in a good mood, something awful happened.

On the couch, Benny and Charlie were still wrestling and Kristy was still cowering at the other end, trying to swat them away whenever they got too close. Suddenly, one of Benny's feet got free of the tangle and landed against Kristy's stomach. All of the adults, except for Charlie, who hadn't seen what had happened, froze immediately. Mrs. Brewer leapt to her feet and was kneeling in front of Kristy before she could even start crying. Kristy was making little gulping noises and the sudden chill in the air made everyone, including Benny and Charlie, freeze.

I looked desperately at Karen. What the heck was going on?

"Kristy, honey, take some deep breaths, OK?"

"I think I might be bleeding," she gasped in a tiny voice.

She dissolved into tears. It was one of the few times that I had seen Kristy look so completely terrified and alarmed. Mrs. Brewer, her face chalk-white, turned to her husband.

"Call 911," she instructed.

Everyone began to move suddenly. I tried to ask Karen what was happening, but she just shook her head and ran into the kitchen. She returned with a glass of ice water as Mr. Brewer gave the operator the house address.

"Drink slowly, honey," Mrs. Brewer said. "It's probably nothing at all, but we just want to be on the safe side."

Through her tears, Kristy managed to nod and take a couple of sips of water. Once Mr. Brewer was off the phone, telling his wife that the ambulance would be here in minutes, I waved him over to me.

"What's going on?"

He studied me for a moment. "Kristy's pregnant." My mouth dropped open. "We just want to be sure she's safe."

"I want to come," I said.

He gave me a weak smile. "Jessi, you just got out of the hospital. You don't want to go back."

"I have to," I said firmly. A lot more firmly than I had expected, too. Mr. Brewer nodded.

"All right." He looked at his two oldest stepsons. "Sam, Charlie, help Jessi get loaded into my car."

"Watson?" The other kids looked up. It was obvious that not everyone was going to be coming along with us, but I could tell who was and wasn't.

"Karen, I want you up front with me. Jessi, you'll ride in the back with Charlie." Emily Michelle started to open her mouth, but Mr. Brewer waved his hand. "I want everyone else to stay here and get ready for when we come back. There is still an entire Christmas morning of presents left and I don't want it left unattended."

We loaded into Watson's car and followed the ambulance to the hospital. I closed my eyes. Even though I wanted to be a part of this, for Kristy and for my own selfish need to feel included in the family, I didn't know if I could handle another minute in this place.

**19**

A nurse was smoothing blue gel over Kristy's still flat tummy with a little plastic wand. The monitor we were all watching intently didn't seem to show anything but black and white fuzz. I glanced at Karen, who shrugged. At least I wasn't the only one who didn't couldn't tell if there was a baby in there or if it was just a TV with bad reception.

Suddenly, the nurse smiled. Kristy, who had been watching the nurse's face instead of the screen, whipped her face around to stare at the screen.

"What?" she asked. "What do you see?"

"Well, it's not clear, but listen." We did. "It's the baby's heartbeat."

"It sounds good," Kristy almost asked hopefully. The nurse beamed at her.

"It_ is_ good." She continued to rub the wand over Kristy's tummy, stopping every so often to take little pictures of the different images. Suddenly, she stood up and pointed. "That, ladies and gentlemen, is the baby."

Everyone crowded around the monitor, oohing and aahing. I sat back in my chair, relief oozing out of me. I was so happy that there wasn't another disaster, especially on Christmas Day.

Everyone turned to look at her when Mrs. Brewer's cell phone began to ring. She smiled apologetically and slipped out into the hall. Everyone else resumed trying to pick out arms or legs or even the head. Kristy was absolutely beaming.

After a few minutes, Mrs. Brewer came back in. She pulled Mr. Brewer aside and they bent their heads close together to talk for a moment. I watched calmly as Mrs. Brewer approached me and bent close to my face.

"There's someone who wants to see you, Jessi."

I rolled my eyes. _Great_. Some nurse who had become overly attached and wanted to say how great I looked and what a survivor I was. I sighed.

"All right," I agreed.

Mr. Brewer stayed behind playing pin the leg on the baby with the others while Mrs. Brewer wheeled me calmly down the hall. We were heading towards pediatric ICU, where I had spent nearly 6 miserable weeks before returning to a normal admittance room, then finally to the Brewer mansion. I looked around, returning some of the smiles that were being flashed at me. I tried not to gag when I heard everyone tell me how awesome I was doing.

Mrs. Brewer stopped in front of one of the rooms. So, my nurse was in with another patient. Such is life. Mrs. Brewer slipped into the room and emerged in a minute with a smiling nurse I didn't recognize.

"So, this is Jessi," she said. I looked over at Mrs. Brewer helplessly. The nurse laughed. "I was out on maternity leave while you were here."

"Why am I here?" I asked, forgetting to be polite. The nurse pushed the sliding glass door open.

"You can go inside," she said softly. I looked up at Mrs. Brewer and she simply pushed my wheelchair into the room.

When I realized what was happening, I let out a scream. With the nurse's help and Mrs. Brewer's, I was on my feet and over to the side of the hospital bed as fast as it was possible for me to do. I peered down into the bed, tears pouring down my cheeks once more.

"Becca," I gasped.

My little sister looked up at me and smiled. She was no longer puffy or swollen or even looking very ill anymore. I suppose all the time spent in her coma had given her body the time to heal. She looked dead tired, but her eyes lit up when they met mine.

"Hey, Jessi," she whispered.

I started to sob.

"Oh, God, Becca, I'm so glad you're alive!"

"I've been alive this whole time, you nut," she whispered again. I laughed through my tears.

"I know… I just… Oh, God…"

"It's OK," she said. I shook my head.

"Have they told you?"

Becca nodded slowly. "Yes. I'm just trying to process it right now, though."

"I was a nervous wreck," I cried. She placed her hand over mine.

"At least I've still got my big sister," she said. I leaned over as far as I could and kissed her cheek.

"I love you so much, Becca. You can't ever do this to me again."

She laughed weakly. "OK, I promise."

**19**

"So, how was seeing Becca?" Kristy asked.

After opening the mountain of Christmas presents the younger kids had 'kept warm' for us, I had retreated back to my suite (_our_ suite) to rest and to think a little. I was comfortably under the covers and fast on my way to falling asleep when Kristy knocked and came in. I sighed.

"So good. I don't even have words for it right now."

Kristy smiled. "Don't bother trying to find any, then." She looked me over quickly. "You were just about to fall asleep, weren't you?"

"No, that's all right."

"Jessi, you were." We both laughed. I had forgotten just how bossy Kristy could be. "Besides, I just wanted to tell you something quick, anyways."

"Yeah?" I asked.

She sat down on the edge of my bed and nodded. "Yeah. It's just that I never wanted this baby." She shook her head. "It was like this complete intrusion on my life and such a violation. I hated it the moment I found out it was in there."

"Why did you hate it so much?" I asked.

"I never told you," she said thoughtfully. "Well, basically because I was raped and this pregnancy is the result."

"God, Kristy, I-"

"Jessi, stop," she interrupted. "It's all right. I've had _enough_ sympathy."

"Yeah, I can understand that."

"Anyways, as soon as Benny's foot hit my stomach this morning, I just knew that the last thing in the world I wanted was to hurt this baby. It was suddenly, _my_ baby, you know?" I nodded, even though I didn't know. "And, then, when I saw it up on the ultrasound, all I felt towards it was this pounding, desperate_ love_. I loved it more than I think I've ever loved anything else in my life." She laughed. "It's so weird, going from hating this baby to completely adoring it."

"I'm happy for you, Kristy. I really am."

She smiled. "I'm happy for you, too. We both had some really surprising Christmas presents today, didn't we?"

I nodded. "To say the least."

Kristy smiled weakly. "You know, it's just too bad that I didn't get to find out what my baby is going to be. I mean, like a boy or a girl. That would've been a nice Christmas present."

"Well, maybe you can wait until Valentine's Day or something. That's romantic, right?" I asked. She smiled.

"It'd be more romantic if I had a boyfriend."

"Yeah, but it'll still be sweet. Check and see if you can find out then."

She smiled. "I will." She reached out and wrapped her hand around mine. "Thanks for coming with me, Jessi. It was really scary for a while."

I leaned forward to hug her. "Yeah, it was. I'm just glad you're all right.

"I'm glad you are, too."

I pulled back and leaned against my pillows. "Thanks, Kristy. Let me know if you need to talk about it?"

"Yeah," she said with a sad little smile. "Have a good nap, Jessi."

"I will."

I fell asleep almost immediately, but not before images of my sister's face, my parents in their wedding clothes, a baby's face, and a glowing image of Kristy flashed in my mind.

I don't think it was by chance, however, that the last image that came to my mind before I fell into a deep, restful sleep was that of a young mother holding a baby with a glowing holiness around them.


	20. When You Only Have 100 Years to Live

**Chapter 20: ****When You Only Have 100 Years to Live**

**Abby**

_December 28_

_It's just me, Mom, and Anna for Christmas break. I thought maybe Amanda would stop by since she lives about 20 minutes from our house in Stoneybrook, but she's been busy with her friends from high school. Anna asked one of her friends to come over, but her friend had plans, too. It would've been lonely, except that Mr. Allen was here to spice things up…_

"So, Abby, how are you liking school?"

I looked away from the TV screen. The four of us were in the living room watching old reruns of _ER _(which, because she is a huge nerd, Anna had received 3 seasons of for Hanukah), eating stale Christmas cookies that Mary Anne made for everyone, and roasting ourselves with the overly enthusiastic fireplace. Mom shot me a quick glance that said _be good_.

"It's all right," I said carefully. "I like it all right."

"Just all right? Nothing really exciting happening?"

_Arrogant jerk_.

"Nope, not at school." I glanced at Anna who was still glued to the screen. "I guess I'm just a boring person."

"Nah," he said. "Abby, you're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. You probably just haven't hit your stride yet."

"My stride?"

"Yeah, you know. When get to the good classes. You're probably just doing the boring, general education classes right now, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." I pretended to look into the cup next to me. It was full. "Hey, Anna, I need some more juice. Do you want some?"

"Sure," she said, holding out her cup. I grabbed it from her.

"Come on, I'm not your servant."

"But, I'm still watching-"

"Anna!"

Anna stared at me evenly for a moment, rolled her eyes, and climbed to her feet. "You are such a pain in the ass," she grumbled as she followed me into the kitchen.

"What do you think?"

"About what?"

"_About what?_ About Coach Allen spending all of his free time here, with us."

Anna nodded. "Oh, yeah, what a drag."

I jerked the door to the refrigerator open. "Anna, be serious!"

"Well, God, Abby, I don't know. I think he's a nice guy." She watched me refill her cup. "And, Mom seems to like him."

"I think he's _creepy_," I said. "Can you believe the way he was just talking to me?"

Anna nodded. "Oh, yeah. You'd better watch out because I think he's going to jump you in the middle of the night."

"Anna!"  
"For God's sake, Abby! Be normal for once, all right?" I glared at her and she returned the expression. "Mom likes him. He's a good guy. Get over it already. You're not her matchmaker or anything."

"What about _Dad_?" I asked. "What do you think _Dad_ would say if he knew what Mom was doing?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I think Dad would be happy." I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. "Abby, Dad wouldn't have wanted Mom to be miserable until she died."

"Yeah, well, what about a having a decent grieving period."

Anna stared at me flatly. "Ten years is a decent grieving period," she said softly. "Maybe you're the one who needs to do some grieving. Not Mom."

"I think you're both being incredibly disrespectful," I hissed as she started to leave the kitchen with her drink. "Do you people _ever_ think about anyone _but _yourselves?"

"_We _do, Abby. What about _you_?"

**20**

I was brushing my teeth a little harder than I needed to. I could taste the faint metallic taste of my gums bleeding as I scrubbed away, but it was a little comforting, I guess. I was so upset and it felt disturbingly good to take it out on someone, even if it was just my poor old gums. I spat into the sink.

"Abby?"

I spun around. My mom was standing in the doorway, a glass of water in her hands. She held it out to me.

"You've been in here for a while now."

I took the glass wordlessly and turned back to the sink. I took a sip, swished the water around in my mouth, and spat that into the sink, too. I did it a few more times, until the water was no longer pink, but clear. I drank the rest.

"I know you're upset, Abby."

I sighed. "No, you don't."

"How could you not be upset?" she continued. "I know how much you miss Dad."

I whirled around. "Don't you miss him, too?"

"Honey, I miss him every day, but missing him isn't going to bring him back." She shook her head. "And missing him isn't going to make me happy."

"I didn't realize that your happiness played into this," I grumbled.

"Abby, I'm only going to warn you of this one time," she said, suddenly completely stern and serious. I raised my chin a little in defiance. "I know that you miss Dad and that it still hurts you that he's dead. But, I don't want to hear you say one more time that I don't. That I'm betraying his memory by dating someone else. Do you understand me?"

"I guess I don't," I said and shook my head before she could say anything else. "I guess I would just always want to be in mourning and be respectful of my husband's memory."

"Well, it's easier said than done," Mom said shortly. "I don't want you to say one more nasty or snippy little thing to Bob again, all right?"

"I have to call him _Bob_?"

"No, young lady. You call him _sir_ until you can act like an adult around him." She held out her hand and I handed the glass back to her. "Until then, you can just make yourself scarce whenever he's here."

"Won't be a problem," I hissed as I walked past her and into my bedroom. I made sure to slam the door extra hard and locked it as well. I flung myself onto my bed as my mother passed my bedroom on her way back downstairs.

I didn't know what they wanted from me. I didn't know what to do or say. Bob Allen wasn't my father and he was never going to be my father. Even if Mom married him, he would never be anything close to what I would consider a father figure. Anyways, I didn't need a new one. I still had my own dad. I didn't need Mom's new replacement.

**20**

"Can you believe this?" I demanded. Kristy shuffled her weight uneasily.

"Abby, I think you're overreacting a little bit."

I threw my hands into the air. "Thanks, Kristy! Thanks for saying what _everyone_ else had to say! Why did I even _bother _come over in the first place? I should've known what you were going to say."

"Abby, chill out." Kristy rested her hands over her stomach and my eyes following her hands. She caught me staring and dropped her hands back down to her sides.

"So, how would you like it if some guy tried to replace the father of your kid?"

"Abby, you remember how I told you I got pregnant, right?"

I flushed. _Way to put your foot into your mouth this time, Stevenson._

"Yeah… sorry."

"Abby, I understand, I really do." I shook my head. "My dad wasn't dead, though."

"Because he walked out on you guys," I protested. "That's not the same as dying. My dad didn't have a choice and yours did."

"That made it worse, Abby. How do you think it felt knowing that my dad left us because he was too much of a commitment-phobe?"

"Kristy…"

"Besides, I always loved him, Abby," she said with such sincerity I didn't try to cut her off again. "I always thought he'd come back home again. That he was just out there, trying to figure some things out, and when he was ready, he'd come back. So, I was so _angry_ with my mother when she started dating Watson. What would happen if Dad came back again and_ Watson_ was in the picture? Mom would just scare him off with Watson and I_ hated_ her for dating him."

I sighed. "Still, Kristy-"

"I_ really_ hated Watson for a while. He wasn't my dad and now he had this fancy title. _Stepfather_. Like he was supposed to be playing daddy to me now or something." She shook her head and I could tell she was remembering something painful. "I just knew that when my real father came back, he would be so sad and disappointed that we didn't wait for him. He'd go away again because Mom couldn't be patient."

"Yeah, but Kristy, your dad left your mom. She knew he wasn't coming back and she had every right to move on." I sighed. "I mean, she couldn't just wait around for him."

"Yeah. I know." Kristy stared at me. "Your mom shouldn't have to wait either."

"My dad is _dead_," I protested weakly.

"Your mom isn't. Maybe you ought to just let her live a normal life again."

I shook my head and stared at the ground. "It feels _wrong_, Kristy. I don't want her to replace Dad."

"She's not. Not really. She's just moving on. There's a difference."

"It still feels _wrong_," I told her.

"It probably will for a long time," Kristy said sagely. I looked up at her and she smiled. "But, it's only going to be as bad as you make it. You don't have to fight this, Abby. There's nothing wrong with what's going on."

I felt a tear slip down my cheek and brushed it away quickly.

"It doesn't have to be this hard, Abby. I promise." She stared at me for a moment then wrapped her arms around me tightly. I gasped in surprise, but she didn't loosen her grip. "We're all going through some tough times right now, Abby. There's no point in making them even worse by trying to make other people feel miserable."

I nodded and pushed her gently away. "Fine, Kristy. You don't have to get so touchy-feely, though. When did that start? When you got preggers?"

She laughed. "Well, I see you haven't lost any of your trademark tact at school."

"You look a little fatter," I told her with a laugh as she headed out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Haven't you been exercising?"

"I'm eating for two," she said. "God, your mom must've have felt like crap. She was eating for herself, a normal baby, and an oil tanker. It's a wonder they didn't just hook her up to a constant feeding tube."

"Oh, ha ha, Kristy. I hope your baby's ugly."

"I'll be happy as long as it doesn't have your ugly face."

I spent the night over at the Brewer-Thomas mansion, doing strength exercises on my insult muscles which had begun to atrophy in the land of "say nothing even remotely offensive or die a slow, painful death."

**20**

"Mom?" I knocked on her bedroom door. "Can I come in?"

"Sure, Abby." I entered her bedroom and shut the door behind me. Mom was laying in her bed, watching TV before she went to sleep. Like she's always done. I climbed onto the bed next to her and she moved over to make some more room for me.

"Hi, Mom," I mumbled, staring at the TV. God, this was going to be a _lot_ harder than I had expected, wasn't it?  
"Hi, Abby," Mom said with a trace of laughter in her voice. I turned to look at her. "What's going on?"

"I just wanted to apologize," I blurted out and felt my cheeks heat up. "I was being a brat and I shouldn't have been."

"_Whoa_, back up! Abby, you're _apologizing_?" Mom studied me for a moment. "Did you just do something a lot worse like blow up a third world country and are trying to distract me from the soldiers about to break down our door?"

"Mom, _come on_. If I had done that, I'd already be in my underground secure facility, threatening to blow up other countries." I shook my head. "Your plans for world domination are sadly under par."

"Which is why I shall never be an evil dictator. Now, come on, Abby. Why are you apologizing?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mom! I was a jerk!"

"Yeah, you're a jerk a lot and you never apologize."

I sighed. "I talked it over with Kristy," I admitted. Mom nodded.

"And?"

"And she told me a few things that I hadn't thought about before," I said. "Please don't make me tell you everything."

Mom laughed. "I just want to know what made you change your mind."

"It's not fair for me to ask you to be miserable," I said softly. "I guess I just thought you had forgotten about Dad."

Mom pulled me into a hug and I didn't resist. In fact, I leaned my head against her chest and closed my eyes.

"Honey, you know how much I loved your father and how much I will always love him, but he's dead. We used to talk about what we would do if one of us died first and we always said that the survivor should go out and find another person to make them happy." She paused for a moment. "Abby, our entire relationship was built on love. We both knew that if one of us were to die that it would only be selfishness to ask the other to grieve and be alone for the rest of their life. Loving someone, the way we thought it meant, meant being able to be happy for that person, even if we weren't the one making them happy. Does that make any kind of sense?"

"It does, but I just wish you didn't have to."

"Abby…"

"No, I mean I wish you didn't have to find anyone else. I wish you still had Dad to make you happy." I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter to hold back any stray tears. "I wish we all still had Dad."

"Honey, I do, too." She kissed the top of my head. "But, we all have to learn how to move on. Even you, Abby."

"I'm still not ready," I whispered.

"That's fine," Mom told me comfortingly. "Just don't try and stop Anna and I from moving on, all right? You have to let us move on if we're ready, even if you aren't."

"I know… I just miss Dad."

With that, I broke down into tears. I hadn't really cried for my father in a couple years now and it felt like this huge dam of tears had just exploded. Mom held me while I cried and helped me back into my room when I was done. I was just about to fall asleep when Anna crept into the room.

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she whispered. She kissed my cheek quickly then hurried from the room.

Though I still felt like I was in physical pain from the lingering shock of my father's death, it felt good to once more be on the same page as my mother and sister. We had to stick together. We were all we had.

At least until Mom and Mr. Allen started to get serious about things.


	21. Gotta Get Through This

**Chapter 21: Gotta Get Through This**

**Stacey**

_January 1_

_It's New Years Day. Here's my list of resolutions:_

_Don't let Teddy know that the rumors hurt my feelings_

_Make-over. No more Anastasia, only Stacey from now on_

_Start over with Stoneybrook friends_

I suppose I could've made quite a long list of resolutions, but I didn't feel like. I knew in my head what I had to do and I didn't need to write it out.

Most importantly, I had to get over Teddy, what he had done to me, and what he was still doing to me. I never got up the courage to tell anyone besides Alison and James what had happened. So, with my silence, Teddy immediately began to fire back at me by making me out to be the craziest, most unstable girl at Yale. The people I thought to be my friends suddenly weren't and the only two people I had left to fall back on were Alison and James, my RA.

The rumors started the day after Teddy had decided to "punish" me for not being a "good" girlfriend. Instead of the horrible things he had done to me, it was suddenly the horrible things that I had been doing to him.

From everything I had been able to piece together, Teddy was accusing me of sleeping around, being demanding and high maintenance, and of trying to control our relationship completely. He had caught me in bed with two guys and one girl and had forgiven me of each of those incidents because he hoped that I would stop. He told everyone about how I had slapped and clawed at him whenever he suggested doing something I didn't want to do or not agreeing with me. He also said that I had tried to micromanagement his life by calling constantly to see where he was and what he was doing. The girl he had painted was a nasty, self-centered, evil little bitch.

And, that girl was me. Or, at least, what he was trying to have everyone believe to be me.

When I finally had the nerve to tell Claudia about it, she had been completely outraged and had tried to get his phone number from me. She wanted to call him and "tear him a new one," but I knew that not only would Teddy just laugh in her face, but would use it to make me look even worse. I knew I had to stop worrying about what he was saying, but it was difficult knowing that everyone hated me for being such a monster to the cutest, sexiest guy on campus.

I didn't tell my parents about any of it. They didn't need to know. Not yet, at least. Mom would break down into tears and would make me stay at home for this spring semester to protect me. I couldn't do that. I also knew that Dad would've completely freaked out and called everyone he could at Yale to tell them what Teddy was doing to me.

I just couldn't get them involved right now.

I closed my journal and tucked it under my pillow. My bed was still unmade, but I wasn't worried. Ever since I left for college, whenever I came home, Mom insisted on cleaning up my room for me like I was 5 again. Maybe it made her feel better, but at least I didn't have to make my bed when I was at home.

I left the house, after assuring Mom I'd be care and safe, and went over to Claudia's. We had some major shopping to do.

**21**

"What do you guys think we ought to get?" Claudia asked.

I was in the front seat next to her while Mary Anne, Kristy, and Mallory were wedged into the back. We'd invited Abby, Anna, and Dawn, but they had all said no. Jessi was still not in good enough shape to go out shopping, although we each promised to get her something special since she couldn't come with us. She had looked a little bummed about staying at home, but looked a lot happier than I had seen her in months. Kristy said she had suddenly improved on Christmas, when they found out that Becca had woken from her coma.

Mallory cleared her voice in the backseat. "I need some new jeans. I lost a lot of weight and now all of my jeans are too loose."

Mallory had just come out of a 6 week stay in the hospital. She didn't want to go into the details, but from what she told us, I figured it had something to do with all of the stress surrounding the accident Jessi was in. Mallory, too, seemed a lot happier and more interested in things than she had before, which was great. I hated seeing any of my friends looking down or miserable, especially since I was only inches from feeling miserable myself.

"I need bigger jeans," Kristy piped up. "I'm getting fatter every single day."

"You are not," Mary Anne and Mallory groaned.

Kristy had gradually told everyone her news- that she was pregnant- and had been happily surprised when everyone told her how much they were going to support her. I had also noticed a new closeness between Kristy and Jessi.

"I eat like a horse, ergo I need new jeans."

"I have to buy a new blouse," Claudia said before the rest of us could yell at Kristy about her constant insistence that she was too fat. "I also need a new skirt. I want to start interviewing for a better job this spring."

"I could use some new boots," Mary Anne said. "And something special for Jeff."

Everyone in the car burst into nervous laughter. Jeff was Mary Anne's extremely new boyfriend. They had been on three dates already since she came home for Christmas and were already a hot and heavy item. I couldn't believe how fast they were going and I don't think anyone else could, either, but since Dawn had warned us not to say anything, we didn't.

"Well," I said. "I want to buy a whole new wardrobe."

"Yes, yes," Mallory groaned. "We know you're Dad's loaded, Stace."

I laughed. "I'll treat everyone to new sweaters if you're nice."

"God, Stacey," Mary Anne said quietly. "You are looking gorgeous today. If I weren't straight… _gosh_."

"Mary Anne!" Kristy yelled and the two of them began to argue. Mallory chimed in every so often, too.

Claudia glanced at me. "Well, at least nobody is clawing anyone's eyes out."

"Yet," Mallory groaned.

I laughed. It was so good to be back where I belonged.

**21**

"Mallory?"

"Yeah?"

"Come here."

There was a thump against the wall next to my dressing room. It sounded like Mallory had just fallen against it.

"Stace, I'm not really dressed."

"OK, well, let me come into your room for a minute."

She groaned loudly, but opened the door enough so that I could slip into the changing booth with her. Mallory was struggling to pull up a pair of jeans while trying to keep herself mostly covered.

"Mallory, you don't have to cover yourself up like that. I'm not going to jump you," I laughed. She frowned.

"Yeah, yeah. That's why you came into my dressing booth while I'm half-naked, right?"

"Sick!" Kristy shouted and I heard Mary Anne sigh. "Could you guys stop being lesbians for, like, five minutes please?"

"Kristy's jealous because she isn't getting any," Claudia tossed back.

Mallory and I glanced at one another then burst into laughter. Kristy made a disgusted noise and began to grumble under her breath. I stepped back from Mallory and held out my arms and spun in a slow circle. Mallory only raised an eyebrow when I was facing her again.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"Was the spin necessary?" she countered. I put my hands on my hips.

"Completely necessary. Just tell me how hot I look and I'll get out of your booth."

Mallory sighed and looked me up and down. "I don't know."

"About what?"

"Those pants."

I liked these pants. They were tight in all the right places and slid down just a little when I sat down to make them even naughtier. _Oh_.

"Point taken," I mumbled. "Well, what about the top?"

It was a blue button down shirt with silver threads running through it. It fit textbook perfect. Mallory nodded.

"It's cute."

I shook my head. "Aren't you supposed to be the writer?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, don't you have something more creative to say than it's nice."

Mallory shrugged. "It's a nice looking shirt, Stacey. I'm a writer- not a fashion designer." She cupped her hands around her mouth. "Claudia?"

"What?"  
"We're having a fashion crisis!"

I groaned and slipped out of her dressing room. "Thanks, Mal."

"No problem!"

Claudia poked her head out of her own dressing room, looked me over, then shook her head.

"Stacey, honey, that does not work. The pants make you look like a whore and the shirt… well, let's just say, I _swear_ I've seen second grade teachers wearing things like that."

"_I_ liked it, Stacey!" Mallory shouted.

"God, you people are impossible."

With that, I returned to my dressing room and looked down at the piles of clothing. I was going to need some serious help revamping my wardrobe because, like it or not, I just wasn't sure how "normal" college girls dressed. I wished Abby had agreed to come along. At least she seemed to have encompassed the whole college girl clothing area. I sighed.

It was back to the drawing board.

**21**

I returned home that night laden with plastic shopping bags. Mom's eyes bulged when she say me stagger into the house.

"Good Lord, Stacey," she gasped. "How much money did you spend?"

I laughed. "Dad let me spend as much as I liked this time. He said it was my Christmas present this year."

"Again, how much?" Mom asked. I showed her the receipts and she shook her head. "I can't believe how he's spoiling you. I'm going to go call him."

I didn't stop her. Times like these, Mom definitely did not listen to reason. Besides, if they wanted to fight about how much money Dad gave me to spend on clothes, that was his business. If Mom wanted to argue about it, that was her decision. It wasn't like he was going to change his mind.

I lugged my things upstairs and began to sort through them. Everything I had bought, I bought it in mind of the fact that I was going to be a new, improved, better girl this semester. No more snotty, elitist Anastasia. Just Stacey.

I had purchased seven new pairs of jeans at Old Navy. The ones I had bought at the beginning of the school year were tight, flashy, and expensive. These ones were looser, more comfortable, and reasonably priced. Something a normal girl would wear.

I had also purchased a ton of new tops. Most of them were solid colored long sleeved shirts at Old Navy since they were plain, simple, and could be mixed and matched tons of other things. I bought a couple new blouses at H&M as well as some new jackets and sweaters at numerous boutiques around the mall.

Instead of the heels I had been wearing all fall semester, I had invested in two new pairs of jogging sneakers, a pair of green and pink high tops, several pairs of ballet flats, as well as an assortment of various boots and low heeled shoes. Everything was sensible and cheap.

I also invested in some inexpensive jewelry which I found and actually liked at a thrift store as well as some new scarves and other winter clothes.

Everything was as it should be. My clothes were simply, sensible, but cute. I was going to go back to hitting the books this semester, but back to having fun and not trying so hard to make sure everyone loved, respected, or feared me. It was going to be such a relief not to have to keep this ridiculous charade up any longer.

My cell phone began to ring and I answered it without checking to see who it was first.

"Hello?"

"Anastasia?"

My mouth went dry and I almost dropped the phone. Teddy.

"You're not supposed to be calling me," I managed to say after a minute. He laughed uncomfortably.

"Come on, honey," he said, his voice smooth and sweet again. I sat down on my bed. "I just want to talk with you."

"There's nothing to say," I told him. "You know that."

"I'd like to just pick up where we left off," he said as though he hadn't heard a word I had said. I shook my head. "We were so good together. You can't say you don't miss me."

"I don't," I said quietly. "And, where we left off? Do you mean when you were trying to beat the crap out of me?"

"Honey, honestly, that wasn't me," he said. "I got angry. I never normally act like that. You just got me so upset."

"And, the next time? Are you going to break my arm or smash my face the next time?" I asked. Even though he wasn't near me, my heart was racing. I could feel tears stinging in my eyes and it was all I could to keep my voice steady. "Thanks, but that's all right. I'll pass."

"Honey, we both know what a mistake this is," he said soothingly. "Think now. Do you think you're ever going to find someone who will want you again?"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded.

"The diabetes, sweetheart. I still love you, but some other guys won't be too cool with it. I mean, you have to _stab_ yourself with a needle. Do you think that's _sexy_?"

Stay calm, I told myself. This is everything the counselor said he might try. I am sexy. I don't need him.

"I don't think it's your problem," I replied.

"Babe, you're never going to find anyone as good as me," he laughed. "Let's just get this over with, OK? I'm sorry I got you so upset."

"You punched and kicked me!" I screamed suddenly. So much for staying calm. "You're a complete bastard! I never want to talk to you again!"

"You'll come around to your senses," he said, his voice tight with tension. "Then you'll realize what a huge mistake you're making."

"Call me again and I'll call the police!"

We both knew I couldn't really do that, but it stopped him for a moment. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"You don't want me to make your life miserable at school," he said cryptically.

"You stay _away _from me."

"I'm going to ruin you, honey, unless you just chill out and apologize."

"_Fuck you_," I hissed into the phone and hung up.

My entire body was shaking. I let go of the phone and it clattered to the floor. I tried to get up and my knees buckled. I fell on the floor, by my phone, and started to sob. It took me a few minutes to realize that someone was by my side, holding onto me. I looked over to see my mother smoothing my hair from my face.

"Mom, I'm fine," I said through my tears.

"Bullshit, Stacey. I'm calling your father."

**21**

After a lot of discussion, Dad finally called the police department at school and explained the situation to them. They agreed to put a full restraining order on Teddy until we could both present our separate sides of the issue. I tried to tell Dad that nobody was going to believe me, that Teddy was just going to have his Dad pay off anyone who he could.

"Stacey, this isn't going to happen to you," he told me sternly. I stopped crying at the force of his voice. "If you think I'm just going to stand by while some idiot thinks he can threaten my little girl, you're very much mistaken."

"Dad… I just don't know."

"Your mom and I agreed that we're going to make sure this wackjob never so much as looks at you again. We love you and there isn't anyone who's going to threaten you without having me on their case."

"Dad, you're so stubborn!" I protested. "Why won't you just let it go?"

"Sorry, Stace. I love you too much. Why don't you put your mom back on the phone?"

I did and sat back while my parents talked. Civilly. It was the first time in years I had heard them be so calm and agreeable with one another. This must really be more of a big deal than I had thought. I felt my stomach twist around at the thought.

When Mom finally hung up, she took my hand and led me into her bedroom.

"What's going on?" I asked dully.

"Stacey, you're spending the night in here."

I groaned. "_You're overreacting_! You both are!"

"So, just humor me for tonight, OK?"

I climbed into bed and gradually managed to doze off.

**21**

_"Be a good girl, Anastasia!"_

_His foot connected with my stomach and I tried to curl into a ball to protect myself. I screamed. "Stop it! You're hurting me!"_

_Teddy just laughed and laughed. His foot kept connecting with my ribs, my shoulders, my arms, my legs. I heard them snap, one by one. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think._

_"Be good and I won't have to punish you!"_

_I spat blood onto the floor. "You're going to kill me!"_

_"You have to be punished." He squatted down in front of me and tilted my chin up to claim a kiss from my mouth. I started to gag when I saw my blood on his lips. "I wish I didn't have to, honey. You've been a bad girl."_

_I screamed until my throat was raw and my lungs couldn't pull in any more air. I was dying. I was dying and he was going to be the one to kill me!_

**21**

"Stacey, honey, _calm down_," I heard a voice whisper soothingly. My eyes snapped open. "_Good_, honey. Take some deep breaths."

I obeyed. My mother slid away from me for a moment and returned with a cold, wet washcloth and began to sponge my forehead. I started to cry softly.

"Mom, _this is too much_."

"I know, baby, but all you need to do right now is calm down. That's _all_ you need to do."

I did and after nearly an hour, managed to fall back to sleep. The rest of the night was spent with horrifying nightmares and hours of comforting from my mother. When I woke around 6 am, I heard my mother on the phone, calling in sick for the day. I wanted to cry. I was ruining everyone else's lives with my stupid problems. Mom saw my face and sat down.

"You _owe _me," she said.

I blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Well, if I have to stay home today, I expect to hear all about those clothes you bought. You didn't even model them for me."

I began to laugh. I loved my mom. She always knew just what to say to keep me from teetering over the edge.


	22. Less Fight, More Spark

**Chapter 22: A Little Less Fight and a Little More Spark**

**Dawn**

_January 10_

_I didn't do badly last semester, but I want to do __**so**__ much better this semester. I chalk the last weeks of the fall semester up to the fact that I was still reeling after what happened on Thanksgiving. I had really hoped Roger was going to be the __**one**__, you know? I still have trouble accepting the fact that he was never even interested in me. But, this semester, I am going to avoid Roger for a while. We need some more time apart._

I woke up early on the first day back to classes. I was wide awake at 6 am instead of 7 am, the time I had set my alarm for. Instead of waking up Patrice by turning on my light or opening the curtains, I slipped out into the floor's common area and sat down on one of the hard, uncomfortable couches.

Since I didn't have any homework assignments yet, I cracked open a book that Mary Anne had bought me for Christmas. It was this super thick guide to all of the English kings and queens. During senior year I had really developed an obsession with reading about them as much and as often as I could. It was almost like my obsession with mystery novels when I was younger, only a lot dorkier.

I read for about 45 minutes then slipped back into the bedroom. Patrice was still sound asleep, so I grabbed my shower things and hopped in, knowing that I was going to be in and out of the bathroom before most people were still stumbling around, trying to wake up.

The hot water felt good against my tired skin. I didn't want to admit it, but I was already starting to feel stressed out about this whole thing. I didn't know if I was ready to start a new semester quite yet. I didn't know if I was ready to see Roger again. At least not yet.

My morning was fairly uneventful. I listened to my professors yammer on about attendance and tests and everything else I was pretty certain they did every single semester. I went to lunch feeling hungry and a little better about things. So far, nothing bad had happened. I had probably just turned my stomach into knots because I worried too much about nothing.

Then, I saw _him_.

No, not Roger. I think I could've handled seeing him, as much as I didn't want to. I could've just smiled, said hi, and walked away real fast if it were Roger. No, it was someone I hadn't expected to see at all.

Alan Gray was standing only feet away from me, holding his tray of food like I was.

My mouth dropped open as his face turned bright red.

"_Alan Gray_?" I asked incredulously.

"_Dawn?_ What are you doing here?" he asked.

I turned away from him and began stalking towards an empty table. "I _go_ here, Alan! What the hell are _you_ doing here? Do you _really_ want me to get a restraining order or something?"

He followed me to my table and set his tray down across from mine. I almost stood up and stalked away, but decided against it. I might as well hear him out. I'd have better reason to get a restraining order if I knew what he was doing here.

He settled into his chair, looking very uncomfortable.

"I enrolled here, Dawn," he said.

"My God, you are really _are_ stalking me!" I hissed. "What's _wrong_ with you?"

"_I'm not!_" Alan said angrily. I flinched. "I didn't even _know _you go to this school."

"You came all the way out to California just to go to school?"

"Believe or not," he replied. He picked up his sandwich and took a bite. My stomach turned at the disgusting layers of meat piled up inside of it. "I wanted to study environmental sciences."

"That's what_ I'm_ doing!" I really couldn't believe this at all. It was like a really bad horror movie or something. He had probably installed cameras everywhere to watch me. I shivered slightly and forced myself to stop trying to scare myself.

"I want to be an architect," he said quietly. "I want to make sure all of my buildings are environmentally sound, though. Is it that hard to believe that I'd choose to go to this school with that career goal in mind?"

My friend Heidi had a similar career goal. I shrugged.

"I guess not," I admitted reluctantly.

Alan stared at me then returned his attention to his food. "I really didn't know you were even here."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. I felt like a moron. "I shouldn't have flipped out."

"It's all right."

We ate in silence for a while before I cleared my throat. "So, have you ever been to California before?"

Alan looked up, studied my face for a moment then smiled. "Not before a week ago. I thought it'd be a nice change of pace for me. I've been waiting tables in Stoneybrook since graduation so that I could save up enough to get myself out here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I had to buy a car and rent a trailer to lug everything out here. It was a long drive, but being out here in the sun and warmth really makes it worth it."

"I love California," I admitted with a smile. "I really _hated_ the New England winters."

"I know what you mean."

There was another lull in conversation. Alan took the next cue to start it up again.

"Are you angry with me?"

I looked up in surprise. "No. No, I guess I'm not. I was just surprised."

"I know that you hate that I've had a crush on you," he said with nervous chuckle. "I don't blame you. I'm a creepy guy."

"No," I said quickly. "I just didn't know why you liked me, even after I moved out here."

"I don't know," he admitted. "I just always thought you were a cool girl. Uh, woman, I mean. I can't really explain _why_."

"That's alright."

I wanted to say more when I saw Roger standing right behind Alan. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open for the second time in less than 10 minutes. Alan spun in his seat to see who had made me look so shocked.

"Dawn," Roger said softly. "Hey. Um, how are you?"

"Fine," I mumbled. My face was turning bright red. I wanted to duck under the table. "You?"

"Great." He looked down at Alan. "Who's your friend?"

"Alan Gray."

Alan stiffened when Roger grinned at him. "She's quite the handful."

"Roger…"

"That's all right," Alan said. "I think I can handle her."

"Just make sure she doesn't have a crush on you."

I suddenly wanted to start crying. Roger was _humiliating_ me now? I couldn't believe he would do this to me. I had really thought we were close to one another and here he was, saying things like this to someone he didn't even _know_. Alan shot a quick glance at me as a tear slid down my cheek. I brushed it away quickly, but I knew Alan saw it. He stood up and turned to Roger.

"Maybe you should leave," he suggested politely. Roger stared at him.

"Who the hell are _you_?"

"I've known Dawn since we were in middle school and I'm not going to let some idiot with highlights in his hair say things like that to her."

Alan Gray was _defending_ me?

"Well, if you knew what kind of girl she really is-"

"I do know and I think she's one of the most amazing girls I know." He turned back to me. "Dawn, do you want to leave?"

I nodded quickly. Roger rolled his eyes.

"See you later, Dawn," he grumbled before stalking to the other side of the café. My knees were shaking and I stumbled on my first step. Alan caught my arm and straightened me out.

"Do you have anymore classes to go to today?" I shook my head. "Then, we're getting out of here. I don't want you running into that bastard again today."

I followed Alan back out to where his car was in the parking lot. I couldn't believe that I was actually going out with Alan Gray, here in California. It completely blew my mind.

**22**

We spent the rest of the day together and Alan didn't bring up Roger until he drove me back to my dorm. We sat in the car next to one another, talking, when he brought it up. I sighed.

"It's really complicated, Alan."

"I think I can handle it, Dawn."

I shook my head. "All right, but I have to warn you- it's _really_ hard for me to talk about."

He smiled warmly. "You can stop whenever you want."

When the hell did Alan Gray turn into a normal, sensitive guy? I changed my mind. It was like that movie about the pod people instead of an obsessed, dangerous stalker.

I took a deep breath. "Well, last semester we were best friends. I really had this huge crush on him. I tried to get him to come to my dad's for Thanksgiving, but he convinced me to go to his parents' house instead. I told everyone, Mom, Dad, Mary Anne, Jeff, even Richard and Carol. I was so excited and I was totally planning on making my first move at his place. I mean, you don't invite just friends to Thanksgiving at your parents' house, right?"

"No way," Alan agreed gently.

"So, after we had finished eating and it was getting dark, Roger and I decided to go upstairs and get to sleep. He was really worn out, probably from school and the turkey." Alan laughed and I grinned. "So, I decided that this would be a good time to tell him. I figured it would really cheer him up, you know?"

"What happened?"

"Well, I put on this little nightie thing with black lace and all of that, and slipped into his bedroom. He was on his bed and it looked like he was sleeping, so I locked the door in case we were going to have any visitors." I buried my face into my hands. "God, Alan, this is so _embarrassing_."

"We don't have to talk about it."

"No, we do. I mean, I do." I took a couple of deep breathes to calm myself. "Anyways, I crawled up top of him and started kissing him. He started kissing back and we were really getting all 'hot and heavy' when he started saying this other girl's name."

Alan winced. "Ouch."

"Yeah. So, I pulled away and he finally opened his eyes and when he saw that it was me, he freaked out. Told me that he couldn't believe I would do this to him, especially when I knew he had a crush on this other girl."

"You knew that?"

"He never mentioned anything!" I brushed a couple of stray tears from my face. "God, then he kept yelling at me and carrying on until his family came to see what was going on. I was just standing there, in my _skanky_ little outfit. It was so _embarrassing_. So, I called my dad and had him pick me up. I was still in that outfit when Dad came and I had to explain what the hell had happened." I sighed. "Roger's been telling everyone what a _crazy whore_ I am."

"I could have him taken care of, if you know what I mean," Alan said. I laughed.

"Shut up, Alan."

He leaned over and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. My mouth dropped open.

"I think you're beautiful and wonderful and fabulous, Dawn," he said, not looking at me. "Any guy should_ love_ to know that you like him."

"Thanks," I whispered. I grabbed my backpack. "Thanks for the ride and for talking with me today. It was really nice."

"No problem." He ripped a piece of paper from one of his own notebooks and scribbled a couple of numbers on it. "Call me and we can do this again. Soon, I hope."

I climbed out of the car and smiled at him. "_Very_ soon. Thanks again."

He grinned and backed out of the parking space. I watched until I could no longer see his car then raced upstairs to my room. Patrice was typing away at her computer when I came in and looked up in surprise.

"Hey. You look happy."

"You won't _believe_ what happened today," I said breathlessly. I pulled my desk chair up to her desk and proceeded to tell her _everything_.

**22**

"Hello?"

I paused for a moment then said "Hey, Mary Anne. It's me."

"Hey, Dawn. What's up?"

I could hear her bustling around in the background and sighed. "Are you busy right now?"

"Why?"

"I really need to talk to you."

"OK. Can I call you right back?"

"Yeah."

We hung up and I settled back down onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn't believe what had just happened today. First, I meet Alan Gray at my college and he's nowhere near as creepy as he had been the last few times I had seen. Or, had I just not given him the chance to talk to me normally? Or, was I just ignoring all the good and looking only at the weird and bad? I groaned. I was screwing up with romance big time.

I couldn't believe how sweet Alan had been. We went out for something else to eat for lunch since I hadn't been able to get more than a bite or two down before Roger had shown up. Alan stopped at this fun little marketplace café that had a full vegetarian menu and salad bar, plus burgers and meatballs for our meat-eating friends. Alan had eaten two burgers before I was even halfway through my salad. We joked about how he was such a pig and how I was an eating disorder waiting to happen.

After lunch, we drove down to my house, which was only about a half hour from school, and basked in the cool breeze that was washing over the deck. We lay on the hammocks Carol had installed a couple of years ago and just hung out. We talked for a little while and then I must've dozed off. Before I knew it, the sun was starting to set and Alan was inside, helping Carol and Jeff make dinner.

It was a little weird at first, having Alan eat dinner with my family. Dad kept giving him this strange looks like he wasn't really sure how to react to what was going on. Jeff, too, was a little uneasy about Alan, but warmed up pretty fast when Alan mentioned basketball. My brother, I believe, would sell his soul to the devil just to be a famous basketball player. The kid has so many weird little issues.

Carol, however, seemed to adore Alan the moment she met him. At least, as soon as I woke up and went inside, she and Alan were old friends. After dinner, Carol snuck me into my bedroom and we chatted about Alan and everything that was going on. I was completely awestruck about how awesome he was, despite the years of creepy stalking.

But, maybe, I had just been making that up in my head just to keep him at bay?

I helped Carol wash up while the boys watched TV. Eventually, we joined them and ended up staying until about 8 pm. After that, we bid farewell to the family (Dad, Carol, and Jeff actually looked disappointed to see Alan and I go) and drove back to campus.

The phone rang back again and I jumped. I flipped it open and answered it.

"Hey, Dawn. Sorry that took so long. I was trying to get rid of all of the dust bunnies that have taken over since Christmas break started. I swear I found one under there the size of a small horse."

I laughed. "Well, I have an even better story than your equestrian dust bunnies."

"I doubt it," Mary Anne. "These things ought to be in the Guinness Book of World Records." She moaned. "Good Lord, there's another one."

"Alan Gray is at UCLA."

Mary Anne began to cough and choke on her end. I waited for her to calm down.

"_What?_"

"Exactly what I said. He's here to study environmental science like I am."

"Dawn, that's creepy. Do you want me to tell my Dad? Maybe he can get Alan out of there."

I laughed. "No, Mary Anne. He's actually surprisingly awesome. We spent the whole day together. I can't believe that he wasn't ever this cool before."

"You two _got along_?"

"Really well." I smiled at the thought. "I'm going to give him a call tomorrow and see if he wants to hang out this weekend."

"God, Dawn," she laughed. "You sound smitten."

"Shut up, Mary Anne," I snapped. "Alan is _not_ going to be like Roger."

"Yeah, but Alan _loves_ you," she pointed out.

"Well, then, he's going to be the one wearing the slutty nightie, isn't he?"

Mary Anne burst out laughing and I joined her.

We talked for a while before hanging up. Patrice was already in bed when I came back into the room, so I slipped out of my clothes and into my pajamas quickly. I crawled into bed and settled down to sleep.

This was a completely unexpected shock, but definitely a pleasant one.


	23. Oh Dear, You Look So Lost

**Chapter 23: Oh Dear, You Look So Lost**

**Mallory**

_January 19_

_First day back at school. I've been doing a lot better lately. My panic attacks are under control, for the most part. Jessi and I have had a few conversations alone which have all gone well, even if they were fairly tense. I think we're both starting to get past the worst of it, but that doesn't mean I want to dive right back into high school again._

I took a shower that morning.

I don't usually take showers in the morning. Showers, at any time of the day, are tightly scheduled and water expenditure is strictly enforced. With the massive Pike family, a shower is something that must be cleared by and signed by at least two other parties before bathing can begin.

OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating a _little_ bit, but it's mostly true. It probably threw everyone off this morning since I am one of the "evening" bathers. I normally take a shower around 8 pm, so when I got into the shower this morning at 5:30, the rest of the Pike kids just _stared _at me. I stared back, then went into my bedroom and got dressed slowly while everyone else griped and whined about how much hot water I had used.

I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could this morning. I didn't want any surprises because I was worrying too much about the actual school day. I didn't want to have to worry about my hair looking funny because I slept on it weird or about the potential of smelling bad because I showered last night instead of right before I went. I had never been this nitpicky with details, but I've been assured that it's an entirely normal response.

Vanessa was next into the shower since she goes to high school with me now. The triplets had showered at other points during the day yesterday and had the luxury of sleeping in. What I wouldn't give for a foghorn right now.

I shut the door tightly behind me, walked in front of our full-length mirror then let my towel drop to the ground around my feet. I stared at my body in the mirror, trying to assess myself as best I could. I wasn't exactly an objective judge.

I had become a lot skinner. I hadn't had much of an appetite since the accident, but after weeks of intense psychotherapy and hospital, my appetite was basically nonexistent. I choked down a few things every day to keep everyone else from worrying about me, but everything tasted like sand. It was an effort to even force myself to have more than a couple of bites of food at dinner each night. I knew Mom was watching me closely, but there wasn't much I could do. I would've liked to be eating normally again.

I had gained a little bit of weight through the course of middle school and early high school, but it appeared that I had lost all of that and then some. Frowning, I turned so that I could see my profile from either side. My stomach was flat, but my arms and legs looked knobby, not slender like I wanted them to look. Even my face looked different. My cheeks were a little sunken in and there were dark shadows under my eyes. No wonder I hadn't spent much time looking at myself in the mirror.

I stepped closer.

My face was breaking out again. I'd have to smear on some more cover-up than usual. My hair looked limp, too, even though it had just been washed. I tugged at one of my curls and it flopped dully against the rest of them. At least my hair color was still vibrant. As much as I used to hate having such red hair, it would be a nice distraction from the rest of my body.

I shook my head and walked from our mirror. There wasn't much I could do by standing there, wishing I looked better than I did. I slid into a fresh pair of underwear and a clean bra. I slid into a new pair of jeans Mom had agreed to let me buy after I told her all of my old ones were too loose. She hadn't caved in to letting me purchase any new tops yet, but I didn't expect her to. Money was tight and it wasn't going to kill me if my clothes were just a little baggy because I had lost weight.

I selected a pale blue sweater to wear that day. It was an older one, back from middle school, so it was tighter than the rest of my clothes. It almost looked normal on me, even if it was sadly old and dated.

Vanessa bustled into the bedroom and I had to pretend not to be studying myself so closely and carefully. She ducked into her closet to change into fresh underwear.

"Are you already ready?" she asked incredulously. "I thought you just got out of the shower."

"I did and no, I'm not ready." I stared myself again, despite my best efforts not to. "Nessa, do you think I look like a huge freak?"

Vanessa came out of the closet, sliding a sleek red dress on. She smoothed it with her hands and sighed.

"Are you kidding, Mallory? Look at me. If either of us is a freak, it's me."

My face flushed and I felt ashamed. "Oh, God, Vanessa, I am so sorry. I didn't mean that at all. You know-"

She laughed. "Chill out, Mal. It's all right. I know what you meant and, besides, I think you look nice today. Even if that sweater is like, five seasons old."

"Argh! I have to change!"

Vanessa dragged me back out of the closet and shoved me towards the door. "Too late! It's breakfast time!"

I trudged downstairs and took a seat between Adam and Mom, who were both chewing sleepily on spoonfuls of cereal. I caught Vanessa's eye and had to do my best not to start laughing. My momentary good mood vanished the moment Vanessa put a bowl and spoon in front of me and shoved the box of cereal at me once she had poured herself a bowl. I stared at the box.

"I don't think I can eat," I protested quietly. Mom seemed to snap out of her dazed state. "My stomach is nervous."

"Mallory, you need to eat," she said and I winced.

I poured the cereal out slowly, hating each and every one of them for stopping to watch me, then took a small spoonful. I put it into my mouth and began to chew, even though my throat was trying to get me to spit it back out again. I felt myself grow clammy, but managed to swallow. I ate a few more spoonfuls before excusing myself and dumping the rest of my breakfast down the sink. I ran back upstairs and shut the door a little harder than necessary.

My heart was racing already and I'd have to take an anti-anxiety pill. God, it was barely 6:15 in the morning and I was already medicating. I shook my head as I swallowed the pill. I was probably making too much out of this whole thing anyways.

Vanessa came up about ten minutes later and shut the door silently behind her. I was sitting on my bed, trying to use deep breathes in and out to calm myself. She sat down across from me on her bed.

"Are you all right?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. "Maybe I'd better just go back to bed. I don't feel so good after all."

"_Stop_," she said, grabbing my arm before I could flop down again. I tried to pull free, but she held on fast. I decided not to fight with her and sat back up. "You're going to school, Mal. You _need_ to get back into this."

"That's good, coming from the girl who missed _years _of school," I spat out bitterly. Vanessa, much to her credit, didn't even flinch.

"Yeah, so I know what I'm talking about." She tugged on my arm. "Get up."

"Fine," I moaned. "I just hope I don't get sick."

"Well, if you do, make sure to do it on someone's shoes that you hate."

I started to laugh and Vanessa joined me. I'd wait to deal with school when I got there, I suppose.

**23**

_"Have you seen her?"_

_"Yeah, she looks awful. I swear I saw her wearing that sweater way back in middle school."_

_"I heard she was locked up in a mental hospital. Went totally crazy one day when she was visiting Jessi."_

_"Poor thing, she must feel so alone without Jessi Ramsey here with her."_

_"She shouldn't be here. We shouldn't have to go to school with crazies. What if she decides to kill us or something? Then what?"_

_"Maybe she doesn't even realize that she's crazy."_

_"I heard that she has to take tons of medications just to make it through the day. The school nurse has a whole drawer dedicated to Mallory Pike."_

_"If she's so crazy and depressed, why doesn't she just kill herself?"_

**23**

I walked through the halls with my head down and didn't meet anyone's eye. Everyone was talking about me and they didn't even have the tact to lower their voices when I came near. It was like they were really trying to make me just as crazy as they thought I was. I felt myself choking on the sobs I was trying so hard to disguise.

I hurried into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls. I sank to my knees in front of the toilet and emptied my stomach of the little bit of breakfast I had managed to keep down this long. Shaking, I sunk onto the floor and flushed the toilet. I just needed a minute to catch my breath.

The bathroom door swung open and I got to my feet and sat on top of the toilet seat. Just pretend to be normal.

"God, have you _seen_ them?" a harsh voice asked. I flinched.

"The Pike girls?"

"Duh. Mallory and Vanessa." The girl laughed. "They look like a couple of freaks, don't they?"

"I don't know," the second girl said hesitantly. "They've been through a lot."

"That doesn't mean they ought to be going to school with the rest of us," the first girl snapped. The voice was oddly familiar, but I couldn't figure out why. I decided to just wait it out, no matter how much it hurt to hear these girls talk about my sister and I.

"They're not dangerous," the second girl said. The first girl laughed.

"Not dangerous? I heard that they had to restrain Mallory Pike at the hospital because she tried to kill some doctor. Threw herself on him and just started kicking and biting." Water began to run from one of the sinks. "That's kind of dangerous, isn't it?"

"Shut up, Cokie," a new voice said. Cokie Mason. Of _course_. She had been held back because her grades were so awful last year. She was completely pissed off because she had to stay another year at SHS. "You're the one spreading all these stupid rumors in the first place."

"Self-righteousness looks awful on you, Jackie," Cokie said sweetly. "Why don't you just hop down off of your soapbox?"

"Bite me," Jackie Brett said and walked towards the mirrors near my stall. I drew my feet up so that she wouldn't see me. I didn't want to be discovered eavesdropping in the girls' bathroom. How many more rumors would that spawn?

"Well, Vanessa Pike's face is certainly a danger to everyone. God, where did she get all of those _ugly_ scars?"

I wanted to scream at her to shut up. She had no idea what Vanessa had suffered through these past few years. She had finally gathered the courage to come out into public and here were these nasty girls making fun of her scaring.

"At least she didn't have her nose reconstructed," Jackie retorted. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. "Which, by the way, your plastic surgeon didn't do a very good job. Your nose is more crooked to the left now instead of the right."

Cokie laughed nastily. "Oh, ouch. That really stung, Jackie. Kind of like the way your imposter designer perfume is stinging my nose right now."

"You're sure that's not you? You can be pretty rank sometimes."

There was a pause. "Come on, Alicia. Let's leave. It's too crowded in here with Jackie's beer gut."

"Make sure your mom locks you in your cage tonight," Jackie called as they left. "We have laws against sucking out people's soul, you know."

The bathroom fell silent except for the quiet sounds of water running. I sighed and let my feet fall to the ground. There was a light tap on my stall door. I jumped guiltily then got up to unlatch the door. Jackie was standing in front of me wearing an expression I couldn't read.

"Sorry," I said quietly. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

Jackie smiled gently. "I don't care if you eavesdrop. Just so long as you're all right."

"Me?"

"Cokie was being a real bitch. I'm sorry you had to hear all of that."

I shrugged and hurried over to one of the sinks to begin washing my hands. Jackie watched me carefully. Eventually, I looked up in the mirror to look into her eyes.

"Thanks," I said. "For defending my sister, I mean. It's really hard for her to be here."

Jackie nodded. "I know. We used to be friends before she dropped out of school."

I ran that information through my mind and nodded slowly. Jackie was a year younger than I was and a year older than Vanessa. They had both been involved in all of the theater programs and had even started a poetry club before Vanessa's accident. Jackie had called a lot to try and get a hold of Vanessa, but she never returned the calls. She hadn't returned anyone's calls. Eventually, people just stopped calling.

"Sorry that she never called you," I said. "She was feeling pretty low then."

"Of course," Jackie replied. "I just wish she had let me in. I wanted to help her."

"She really only let me in," I whispered, feeling ashamed for the way my sister had dropped all of her friends. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was responsible for my emotions. I wasn't responsible for anyone else. "I'm sorry, Jackie."

"That's all right," Jackie said with a shrug. "Do you think she'll let me in now?"

"You still want to be her friend? Even after she ignored you like that?"

Jackie nodded. "I've always been her friend. I was just waiting for her to remember that."

We finished with some small talk then Jackie left to get back to the lunchroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. My face was flushed and my hair a mess. I did my best to put myself back together then headed back to lunch myself, even though I had no intention of eating while I was there.

**23**

"How was school?" Jessi asked.

I drove to the Brewer-Thomas mansion as soon as school was out to see Jessi. Jackie's words had really struck a cord in my heart and I had to be with her now.

"Not too great," I mumbled. "But, that's not why I came over."

Jessi shifted uncomfortably. She was wearing more flexible leg braces that now allowed her to walk, even if it was still a little stiff and painful. She would be back to school in another couple of weeks. The doctors wanted to make sure she could walk around with little pain so that if she was jostled it wouldn't make her scream with pain or anything. I was surprised to see how agile she had become since the accident. I smiled at her.

"I wanted to tell you something that I didn't get around to saying before."

Jessi sighed. "I know. You're still pissed off about what a bitch I was in the hospital. I'm sorry."

"No, Jessi! That's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say how much you mean to me." She smiled. "I talked with Jackie Brett, one of Vanessa's friends, today and she said how she's been waiting for Vanessa to be ready to be friends again. It made me realize how much I've missed you." I sighed. "I guess I just wanted to say how much you mean to me and that I'm going to wait for you as long as it takes for you to want to be friends again."

Jessi got to her feet. I swallowed, convinced that she was going to storm off to her bedroom. She surprised me by leaning down and wrapping her arms tightly around me.

"Mal, I'm so sorry," she said. I felt her tears begin to dampen my cheeks. Of course, my tears were dampening her cheeks as well. "I've put you through so much. I never wanted to hurt you. I really screwed us up, didn't I?"

"No," I whispered. "We can pick up where we left off. Let's just forget everything that has happened since the accident?"

"No, Mal." I pulled back a little to look at her face. "Let's remember everything so that we won't make the same mistakes again."

I grinned. "I can do that."

"Good. So can I." Jessi extended her hand to me and helped me to my feet. "Come on. I haven't shown you my bedroom."

"That's right. You have a whole suite, don't you?"

Jessi shrugged. "Well, Becca and I share it, but yeah. It's pretty amazing."

"It's got to be better than my little room with Vanessa."

"Well, be prepared to be amazed," she laughed. "You just have to promise not to kill me, assume my identity, and live here yourself."

"Jessi, you're black."

She studied me. "Well, you're sneaky. You'd figure out a way to do it, I'm sure."

I shrugged. "I am pretty talented. I guess I could pull it off."

Jessi held out her hand. "Well, pinky swear that you won't. Otherwise, you can't go in there."

We hooked pinkies. "I promise."

"Good, let's go."

I followed Jessi back to her suite. It felt like a heavy load had been eased from my chest. It felt good.


	24. A Good Idea at the Time

**Chapter 24: A Good Idea at the Time**

**Claudia**

_January 29_

_It's official: I'm a complete idiot. I can't believe I actually listened to Janine and Brian. They were so drunk, I should've known better, but I still didn't. God, I wish I could just bury my head in some sand and hide until this whole thing blows over._

"Claudia?"

I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to tide me over until dinner. I had cut the crusts off and had sliced into tiny little wedges. It took longer to eat that way and made waiting for Mom to come home and make dinner (which she promised to do tonight) more bearable. I looked over at Janine and Brian, who were sitting very close to one another on the couch.

"What?" I asked through a mouthful of sandwich. Janine rolled her eyes.

"That's classy, Claudia."

"What do you want?" I rephrased. Brian laughed and Janine punched his arm gently. At least, it didn't look too hard, but he still began to whine and whimper about what an abusive fiancée he had. I didn't feel bad for him.

"Do you think you could take us out tonight?" Janine asked.

"Mom's making dinner tonight," I reminded her. "It's not just the three of us tonight."

"Yeah, but we want to drink," she said. I blinked. "Yes, Claudia, we want to go out and have some drinks. We need a designated driver."

"I don't know," I said hesitantly. "I've never been a designated driver before."

"It's not like it's hard, Claudia," Janine snapped. "All you have to do is _not _drink while we're out then drive us all home."

I considered her request for a minute.

One of Janine's friends here had just had a baby. She was a couple years older than Janine, so Janine didn't go off into her "having a baby when you're too young" lecture. So, she had talked Brian into driving back down to Stoneybrook for a three day weekend to see the baby and celebrate. Of course, they couldn't have just gone to a hotel- they had to stay here and invade the quietness of our house again.

Ever since Janine and Brian became engaged, she's been a totally different person. Before, she had always been quiet and reserved. Now, she was loud and bubbly and always looked like she couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. It was weird having her around like this, but it was kind of nice, too. Janine spends more time with me now and actually talks with me about things I like instead of just babbling on about herself all the time. Like I said, it was a good change.

I shrugged. "I guess that would be all right." I glanced at the clock. It was 5:30. I felt a funny pang in my stomach. If we were still in middle school, Kristy would be upstairs lecturing everyone about keeping the club notebook updated and maybe even going on about the importance of punctuality.

"Great," Janine said and smiled at Brian. "Where do you want to eat?"

"I thought we were going out for drinks," I protested quickly. Brian shrugged.

"We could go out for dinner, too. Then, you won't feel so left out."

I smiled gratefully at him. I liked Brian. "OK. So, I'm going to go upstairs and put some clean clothes on. These ones still have marble dust on them."

Janine got up from the couch. "I'll write Mom a note."

"Thanks," I called as I hurried up the stairs.

I wanted to wear something nice, even if we were probably just heading to the local bar and grill place. I had been wearing nasty, old clothes since we were sculpting today in my art class. I pulled off my clothes and tossed them into the dirty clothes hamper. I opened my closet to look at what I could put on.

I finally decided on a pair of dark blue jeans, a gray long sleeved shirt, a knitted, hooded sweater vest, and a pair of orange Converse high tops. It wasn't too fancy, but it was neat, clean, and looked put together. I brushed my hair out and put it back up into a loose ponytail. To add a little extra to the outfit, I put on a few chunky beaded necklaces on, chandelier earrings, and a silver and ruby pendant. I had found the pendant at a garage sale last spring and loved to wear it. It was so old-ladyish that it was actually kind of stylish. I guess. I had given up on trying to be edgy and stylish with my clothes (that was now Stacey's domain), but I still liked to spice things up just a little every so often.

Once I was dressed, I went back downstairs with my purse. Janine was standing by the door, in her coat, and pointed to my purse.

"Do you have cash on you?"

I looked in my wallet. "I have 13 dollars in cash."

"Good. I hate leaving tips on my cards," Janine said with a relieved sigh.

"Hey, so I have to tip the waitress?" I asked as I put on my coat. "How does that work?"

"Relax, I'll pay you back when we get home," she assured me and I sighed.

"Fine. Let's just go, all right?"

"We were ready ten minutes ago," Janine replied, opening the door for Brian and I. "We were just waiting for you to get down here."

I sighed again. This was going to be a long night if she was going to act like this. I caught Brian's eye and he smiled. At least I had him on my side.

**24**

"God, I think I'm drunk," Janine said and began to laugh. Brian joined her and I twirled my straw in my lemonade.

Janine and Brian were starting to get a little loud. Every so often, someone would glance over at our table and I felt my face heat up with embarrassment. I had tried to quiet them down, but after Janine nearly bit my head off for telling them to settle down, I didn't try again. I just hoped we'd get out of this place before we were kicked out.

Brain nuzzled against Janine's neck. "You smell drunk."

She laughed. "So do you!"

They began to kiss then and I looked away. I stared helplessly at one of the TV screens, not caring that it was football. I didn't want to watch the two of them making out, which they had also been doing for a while now. There was a weird thumping sound and I looked back at them in shock.

Brain had thrown his head back, which explained the thumping noise, and Janine had her eyes fixed on his lap. It took me a moment to realize just exactly where her hand was. Actually, I only figured it out when Brian moaned softly and grabbed hold of the edge of the table. I slammed my hand down onto the table, bringing them both out of their weird little sex world and back to reality.

"That's it!" I hissed. "We're leaving! You two are so wasted!"

Brian had the decency to look away in embarrassment. Janine glared at me. "We were going to order another round of drinks. You can have one if you want. If that's why you're being so bitchy."

"I'm the driver!" I nearly yelled. Several people turned to look at us and I lowered my voice again. "I think we need to go home. Right now."

"OK," Janine sighed. "Fine."

Our waitress showed up very quickly and I handed her my credit card. Neither Brian nor Janine made any effort to help with the bill. They were both sulking like a couple of kids who had just been caught doing something naughty. Which, I suppose, was very true.

After I had my card in my wallet and my wallet in my purse, I slapped down all of my cash for a tip. I got to my feet and held out my hand for Brian.

"Come on, we're leaving."

"Party pooper," he whined, but went along with me. Janine followed us out of the bar, unsteady on her feet. I rolled my eyes, but led them to our family car.

"Get in," I insisted and helped them into the back seat. When I got into the car, I could smell all of the alcohol on them. God, I hoped we didn't get pulled over. They smelled so bad, I was sure I was going to get drunk just being trapped in this little car with them.

I started the engine and Janine whooped.

"Let's see how fast this thing will go!" she shouted. I stared at her.

"No way. Just sit down and be quiet, all right? I don't want you guys screaming the whole time back."

"Bitch," Janine grumbled and sunk back in her seat.

We managed to get a few blocks with no commotion. That was before I realized that Brian and Janine were once again doing what they had done in the restaurant. I shouted at them from the driver's seat.

"Will you two knock it off?"

"Mind your own business, Claudia," Janine hissed. "We're just having some fun."

_God, make this go faster!_

Suddenly, Brian leaned forward and put his hands over my face. I screamed in terror and tried to free myself.

"Brian, let go!"

"Why? This is so awesome! We're daredevils!"

I clawed desperately at his hands. "Brian!"

Suddenly, his hands were off me and I could see again. Just in time to watch a tree come barreling straight for us. Also just in time to feel the car crash into it and feel the airbag explode against my face.

Janine was screaming in the background, but I closed my eyes. My entire body ached and I couldn't find a reason to stay awake any longer.

So, I let myself sink into a warm, fuzzy blackness.

**24**

"Claudia! Oh, my God!"

I moaned. My entire body felt like it had been slammed into a Mack truck. It took a little while to finally open my eyes and, when I did, I say stars before I recognized my parents' faces. My mother started sobbing unrestrainedly when I looked at her and began to brush my hair from my forehead over and over.

"Oh, God! Thank God you're alive!"

"What were you doing?" Dad asked in strained voice. "What happened?"

Mom glared at him. "What's important is that they are all alive!"

"Janine and Brian are still drunk!" Dad snapped. "Were you drinking, too, Claudia?"

I shook my head and closed my eyes. It made me sick to my stomach to move much.

"No, Dad. I was the designated driver."

"I don't understand how you could've been in a car accident then. Did you slide on ice?"

"Not now," Mom pleaded, the fierce anger that was in her voice before gone. Dad stared at her for a moment then nodded.

"Sorry, honey," he whispered and sat back down. He took my hand in his and stared at me like he hadn't seen me in years. "Your mother's right. So long as you're safe, it's not really important."

"They distracted me," I whispered, not daring to raise my voice much. "Then, the tree came out of nowhere."

"What did they do?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't quite remember. It all happened so fast, Dad."

"It's OK, sweetheart," Mom said in a soothing voice. "Just rest now."

"Am I dying?" I asked. I knew I wasn't, but the question popped out just the same.

"No, honey. You just have a broken nose, whiplash, and a minor concussion. Amazing, really, when you think about how horrible the accident was."

I opened my eyes. "Is everyone all right?"

Mom nodded. "Brian broken his wrist and Janine has a nasty cut on her arm from broken glass, but otherwise, they're fine."

I closed my eyes once more. "I'm so tired."

Mom shook me gently and I groaned. "Honey, you have to stay awake for a while. That's what the doctor said about the concussion."

"Fine," I moaned. "But, can we not talk for a while?"

Dad nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

We sat in silence for a long time while doctors and nurses came in every so often to check in on me and make sure I wasn't going to slip into a coma or anything. Mom and Dad were eager to leave, but I wasn't. I knew what was waiting for us when we got home.

**24**

"I can't believe you, Janine!" Dad yelled.

I was upstairs in my bedroom with Mom. She looked nervously towards the door then turned back to me.

"Dad's angry," I said needlessly. Mom nodded, her face pale.

"Yes, he is."

"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this!" Janine shouted back. "Everyone's OK, _aren't they_?"

"That's _not_ the point! The point is that you endangered your sister's life just so that you could go out and get drunk! What did you say to talk her into this?"

"I didn't! I asked her and she said it was fine!" Janine screamed. I could hear her begin to stomp around the room. "Besides, we're adults! We can do whatever we _want _to do!"

"Then, you're going to be paying for all of the damages to the car," Dad said, much more calmly. I glanced at Mom in fear. Dad always spoke softly when he was really angry. Mom smiled weakly and squeezed my hand. "If you're adults, you will take responsibility for your actions."

"It was an accident!"

"You could've killed your sister."

"She wanted to go!"

"Janine, I think you had better leave."

Mom got to her feet and opened the door.

"Mom, don't go."

"I'm not," she whispered, staring down the hall to where the staircase was. "I need to hear what your father is saying."

"What?" Janine asked, suddenly sounding a lot less sure of herself.

"You're a danger to your family right now," Dad said. "I don't want to see you back here until you realize what you could've done to Claudia."

"Dad, that's not fair."

"It's not fair that your sister is upstairs in pain because of you, either."

Janine let out a tiny scream of frustration then stormed up the stairs. Mom backed into my bedroom as she passed and slammed the door to her bedroom. Mom and I waited in uneasy silence until Janine opened her door again. I could hear her lugging her suitcase behind her. She dropped it to the ground and stood in my doorway.

"I can't believe you did this to me!" she shouted at me and I flinched. "Thanks for nothing, Claudia! I can't believe I even bothered to ask you to do anything with us in the first place!"

With that, she ran downstairs with her things then stormed out of the house. I got to my feet to look out the window into the front yard. There was a yellow taxi in the driveway and I could see Brian sitting in the backseat.

At least they're not driving, I thought.

The taxi backed out of our driveway and hurried my sister and her fiancée away from us once more.

I had the horrible feeling, despite the fact that I logically understood it, that everything was my fault. I let Mom help me back into bed and watched TV with her the rest of the night. We didn't say a thing about Janine or the way it seemed that she had just been disowned by my father.


	25. Just a Small Town Girl

**Chapter 25: Just a Small Town Girl**

**Shannon**

_February 5_

_Dear Kristy,_

_I hope you're doing well. I wanted to let you know that I'm doing pretty well myself. Matt and I are really getting serious. I know it's way too early to even be thinking about it, but I wonder if maybe this is it. Maybe he's the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know, though. I'm only 19- I'm not ready to be married! I have the whole rest of my life to get married._

I know. I worry way too much. Matt hasn't even said anything about marriage since the first time we made love. I probably just read too far into all of this.

I put my pencil down. I couldn't concentrate on homework right now. My head was too busy spinning around to focus. I just needed to get outside and take a walk. Fresh air would do me good.

I bundled into my coat, hat, mittens, and boots. Bethany gave me a once-over glance, shook her head, and went back to reading her magazine. I rolled my eyes and left the room. The less said, the better. I couldn't wait until next year when I could pick my roommate instead of being forced to live with crazy Bethany.

My breath caught in my throat as the cold air washed over me. _God!_ I hadn't expected it to be this cold outside. I tucked my scarf tighter around my neck and shook my head. I don't know what I was expecting. It was the middle of winter, after all.

I jogged a bit to keep warm and once my body had started to warm up, I slowed back down to a walk. I'd have to keep alternating between jogging and walking, but that was all right. I needed the exercise, too.

Once I was outside, my thoughts didn't magically disappear as I had wished they would. They continued to circle around me like those stupid little stars floating around cartoon characters' heads when they got hit in the head. I picked up my pace. Maybe if I were exhausted, I wouldn't be so able to think about Matt, marriage, and all of the other things I did_ not_ want to think about.

I walked along for about fifteen minutes before I heard it. A faint moan coming from further up the bike path. I didn't think too much of it. It was probably just some couple being stupid and making out in the dead of winter. I had seen stupider things before.

When I got closer, though, I realized that it wasn't a couple making out. It was only one person and that person was sprawled out on the ground. Forgetting the ice on the path, I burst into a run towards the man laying on the ground. I felt my ankle wrench just as I neared him and sunk down to my knees in gasping pain. The man groaned again and made clutching motions with his hands like he was trying to get up. I gritted my teeth and crawled up next to him.

"Sir? Are you all right?"

He looked up at me with such terror in his eyes that I almost backed away from him. Maybe it was my ankle or maybe I was frozen with fear, but I didn't move.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," he gasped and clutched at his chest. "It _hurts_ so much!"

I nodded. "OK. OK, calm down. I'm going to call an ambulance, all right?"

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as I pulled out my phone and dialed 911.

"911 emergency," the receptionist said.

"There's a man having a heart attack!" I blurted out in a panicked voice.

"Ma'am, calm down. Can you tell me where you are?"  
I looked around desperately. "We're on the bike path, I think."

"Which one?"

"By Harvard!" I gasped. "Please. You have to hurry."

"Do you know CPR?" the receptionist asked.

I blinked. "I do."

"Then start doing it. An ambulance is already on the way."

OK, think, Shannon. Chest compressions, breath into the patient's mouth. The man seemed to have gone to sleep. I felt the blood drain from my face.

"He's not moving!" I shook the man's arm. "_Hello?_ Wake up!"

"Ma'am, calm down. You said you know CPR."

"Yeah."

"Why don't you begin? I can stay on the line with you until the ambulance arrives."

"OK," I murmured.

Forgetting my own pain, I got onto my knees and began to press down on the man's chest the way I had been taught. Then, I breathed into his mouth the way I had been taught. Over and over again. My arms felt heavy and exhausted a lot quicker than I had thought they would and I could hear myself panting and gasping for breath.

"This is hard," I gasped into the phone.

"They should be there any minute now, Shannon." I had forgotten I had told her my name only minutes earlier and started when she called me that. "Just keep working. I'm sure you're doing fine."

Over and over again, I pressed down on his chest and blew into his mouth. Suddenly, just as I felt myself lose my last bit of strength, I heard footsteps hurrying in our direction. I looked up, my head swimming from the exertion of performing CPR. A paramedic quickly brushed me aside and took over compressions. A second paramedic dropped down next to me.

"Are you all right?" she asked. I shook my head.

"My ankle. I think I sprained it."

She nodded. "We're going to get this man into the ambulance, so I'll call a second one to come for you."

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. It's just a sprain."

"You've been out in the cold for a long time," the paramedic protested and shrugged her coat off. She wrapped it around my shoulders. "Stay where you are. Some kids were asking us what was going on. They're probably still out next to the ambulance. I'll send them back with a chair for you, all right?"

I nodded weakly and watched as the paramedics took my poor, mystery, heart attack man away.

**25**

"You saved that man's life," my doctor told me. I licked my lips nervously.

"Really? I thought he was going to die for sure."

He smiled. "He probably would've. It's lucky that you know CPR and that you happened to find him." He studied me for a moment. "Are you in school, Miss Kilbourne?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm a freshman at Harvard."

"Wow, you must be pretty smart to get into Harvard."

I shrugged. "So everyone says. I guess I just study a lot, you know? I'm one of those go-getter kind of people. It's stressful, but someone has to do it."

"What are you studying?"

"Pre-law."

"You want to be a lawyer?"

I studied my doctor's warm brown eyes for a moment before shrugging again. "I guess so. I don't really know what I want anymore."

"You know what I think would suit you best?" He moved my ankle and I screamed in pain. "Um, sorry, that's going to hurt."

"Thanks for the warning," I gasped as he repositioned my ankle. A nurse began to wrap it up in an Ace bandage. "So, it's only sprained."

"Yeah, you both got off lucky. Well, kind of. This is a bad sprain." He smiled again. "Let's get your mind of that, though. No sense in making you worry again. So, I was thinking you'd be better suited as a pre-med student instead of a pre-law student."

"What?" I asked with a breathy laugh. My pain medications were wearing off, so it was hard to say anything without my voice being strained. My doctor noticed that and asked the nurse to dispense some more morphine through my IV tube. "Why did I get an IV again?"

"You were a little blue when you came in. A touch hypothermic, so I figured it'd best to give you some warm saline to bring your temperature up. Besides, if you had broken your ankle, we'd have to set it, and setting a broken bone without morphine is suicide."

I laughed. "Suicide? How so?"

"The patient would probably reach over and throttle me the moment I got too close." He shrugged. "I like to play it safe."

"Ah." I watched them finish wrapping my ankle and leg. "So, pre-med?"

"Pre-med. You have to ambitious nature, the willingness to work hard, and, I'd wager, the brains to do it all very well." He patted my shoulder. "Besides, medicine could always use sweet people like yourself."

"You don't even know me. How come you think I'm sweet?"

"You stayed out in freezing cold weather performing CPR on a man you've never even met before." I sighed and he shook his head. "It's not something everyone would do. Only people who really, _truly_ care about other people ought to be doctors. Otherwise, why would they try so hard to keep people alive even when they're perfect strangers?"

I didn't have an answer and my doctor smiled, asked the nurse to call him back once my pain level was low again so that I could be discharged. I leaned back against the pillow and waited for the morphine to seep through my veins again.

I had never even considered being a doctor before. I had always thought of myself as being a lawyer like my dad. I was great at arguing (I wasn't the Debate Team president for nothing) and I loved figuring things out. However, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that maybe this whole doctor thing wasn't such a bad idea.

Not at all

**25**

Later that night, I lay in bed beside Matt. We were both naked and had pulled his thin sheets up around us to bite back any winter drafts.

"So, he said you should be a doctor?" Matt asked. "He doesn't even know you, Shan."

I stroked my finger along Matt's chest. "I know, but he made a good point. I mean, why else would I have stayed out there if I didn't care about that guy? I didn't even know him and I stayed out there in the freezing cold with a badly sprained ankle just to try to help him. Even though I only knew CPR from that course I took last year."

Matt kissed the top of my head. "Maybe he's right. You do always seem to care more about people than everyone else does."

I sighed. "No, I'm pretty self-absorbed, Matt. Maybe you're mixing me up with another one of your girlfriends."

He caught my chin and lifted my face to look me in the eyes. "Shannon, stop. I've told you a million times that I'd never cheat on you."

"God, I know, but I'm just so paranoid." I groaned. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just have a normal relationship for once?"

"Sweetie, I'm your first real boyfriend, remember?"

I smirked. "Thank for bringing that up."

He kissed me and gradually let his hand fall from my chin down to my chest. I felt him cup my breast in one hand and pushed against tighter to deepen our kiss. Before I knew it, we were both very out of breath and the sheets had been kicked to the floor. Matt rolled over so that I was straddling his hips. I leaned down to kiss him.

"See, this is why it's so hard to believe I'm your first," Matt said breathlessly. "You are such a tiger."

I laughed out loud. "A tiger? That is so _not _sexy."

"Screw being sexy," he growled and began nipping gently at my neck. I felt my heart begin to race. "Let's just have sex, huh?"

"I completely agree with you," I panted.

We moved into our usual rhythm and I closed my eyes. God, it felt so _good_ to be here with Matt. Not just in the obvious way, either. It felt good to hear him say that he thought I would be a good doctor if I wanted to be one. It felt good to hear him say that he would never cheat on me. It just felt good to know that he was mine.

"Shannon?" he gasped and I looked back down. Matt's face was strained.

I kissed him as hard and deeply as I could and felt his release as his body tensed and strained against mine. Within moments, he was laying panting with his eyes closed. I hadn't really had the kind of pleasure I usually did when we were together, but that was all right. I slid off him and lay by his side. I ran my fingers through his sweaty, but sexy hair.

"Have I told you how cute you are after you have sex?" I asked, trailing kisses down his neck.

"Aw, thanks. Have I told you how sweaty you are after you have sex?"

I punched him and he rolled away laughing. His face changed almost immediately and I frowned. "What?"

"You didn't… you know…"

"That's fine, Matt," I assured him. "Just don't let it happen again."

"Yes ma'am."

We snuggled for a little while before I looked back at his face. "Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we getting serious?"

He was silent for a few moments before he nodded. "I think we are. Is that a bad thing?"

"Well, I don't think so. Do _you_ think it's a bad thing?"

"Shannon, I think it's a good thing."

I nodded. "Remember the first time we made love?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, you said you wanted me to marry you right before you fell asleep." Matt was silent, so I continued. "Did you mean that?"

"What, like, now?"

I laughed nervously. "Not _now_. Just, maybe, at some point? Were you serious or were you just saying that?"

"God, Shannon, I don't know," he said and rolled to edge of the bed to sit up. His back was facing me so I couldn't catch a glimpse of his face. "Don't you think it's a little _soon_ to be talking about marriage? I mean, we've only been dating a few months."

I sat up as well and pressed myself against his back. Matt leaned back, which I took as a good thing.

"I just wanted to know where we stood, I guess. I mean, if we're just having fun, I want to know." I laughed nervously. "I mean, I'm fine with having fun, but I think I really need to know."

Matt pulled away from me and climbed to his feet. I stared up at him.

"Shannon, I don't know what to say. This is just a little too much for me right now."

I laughed to try and ease the tension between us. "That's OK. Let's forget I even said anything about it?"

"Shannon, I need to think," he said quietly. I didn't move. "Alone, Shannon."

He was asking me to leave. I felt my eyes prickle with tears. I nodded quickly. "Of course. I'm sorry." I began to hunt around for my clothes and slid everything but my socks and shoes on again. "Look, I won't bother you about this again, all right? Will you call me soon, though?"

Matt nodded, but looked very distracted. "Sure, Shannon. I will." He kissed me before I left the room. "I'll let you know, OK?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I left his room feeling shame grow with every step. Had I just sabotaged my first real, serious, adult relationship? I couldn't believe myself. I should've just stayed quiet. I burst into the room and shut the door behind me. Mindless of Bethany, I threw myself on the bed and began to cry.

"What's wrong?" she asked dutifully. I knew she didn't care, but I answered her anyways.

"It's Matt. I think I just scared him off."

"What did you do?" Could a person possibly sound more bored?

"I started to talk about marriage," I moaned into my pillow.

Bethany clicked her tongue. "You small town girls. All you think about is marriage and family and babies. You've got to learn that we city girls and boys have another mindset." I looked up at her. "Sex, sweetie. We want it fast and hard and _now_."

I buried my head in my pillow again. "Oh, _God_."

"Sorry, but that's the way it goes." She got to her feet and walked to the door. "But, hey, good job at keeping him secured this long. I thought for sure he'd cheat on your bony ass."

"Shut up, Bethany!"

"I'm just saying that a guy that good looking must have a hard time keeping the girls off him." She opened the door. "I'm going out. Leave the light on this time."

As soon as she left, I began to sob miserably into my pillow. Looks like my silly, small town girl antics had just chased away the best thing to ever happen to me.


	26. Big Girls Don't Cry

**Chapter 26: Big Girls Don't Cry**

**Kristy**

_February 14_

_Valentine's Day. I've never felt less romantic in my life, even with what all the kids are trying to do to cheer me up. I think I must have a pound of those little conversation hearts, including the ones Grace glued onto a paper plate. I don't have the heart to ask them to stop, to just leave me alone because I don't think anyone will ever find me attractive again. I guess it's a good thing, for me, that Jessi is still at home with me. It's nice having a built in sister who is almost my age._

I shouldn't call Jessi my sister, I know. She's still stubbornly refusing to allow my parents to adopt her. Mom and Watson don't know what to do. Becca listens to whatever Jessi says, so they can't even adopt Becca until Jessi backs down and allows them to help. I know she still misses her parents, but mine are opening their arms wide to her and she's still refusing.

It's hard for me to understand, I guess. In my family, we've got a million kids already, so adding two more is just adding more fun and variety into the mix. I guess I'm lucky that I never really had to worry about things like replacing my whole family with a new one.

Anyways, that morning, I woke up pretty early. I hadn't been getting good sleep lately. My obstetrician assured me that it's all right, but told me I shouldn't take anything more than a glass of warm milk to help me fall asleep since it might hurt the baby. I'd die before I'd hurt my baby, but I was desperate for at least one full night's sleep.

I pulled my robe around me and headed downstairs for breakfast. I was surprised to see all of the kids up and ready for school. Since I had dropped out of college until after the baby was born, I hadn't exactly been keeping to an early morning routine. I had to have something to keep me mildly happy and sleeping in late was one of them.

The kids were just as surprised to see me as I was to see them, but all of them brightened the moment they saw me.

"Mom, Kristy's up," Emily Michelle reported. She was the official family reporter aka tattletale. "Make her some pink pancakes."

I smirked as I took a seat between David Michael and Karen. Mom turned away from the frying pan to smile at me.

"Good morning, sunshine. Want a traditional family pancake?"

"How can I say no?" I asked as she set a plate down in front of me.

There were three little heart shaped, pink colored pancakes on the plate in front of me. Mom started making them when I was a little girl, partly to remind me that I was a little girl and not just one of the boys. We would mix the batter up, add food coloring to it then pour it carefully within the cookie cutters we had set on the frying pan. Each pancake would come out pink and heart shaped. We had a similar ritual for St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. Colored, funny shaped pancakes were a must in families with more kids than adults.

"Did you sleep all right?" Mom asked as I poured syrup onto my pancakes. "You're up a little early."

"Not really," I confessed. "I just can't stay asleep."

Mom nodded. "Yeah, I had the same thing when I was pregnant with you."

"Ew, can we _not_ talk about pregnant people when we're eating breakfast?" Benny asked with disgust plain on his features. Karen made a face.

"_Grow up_," she sighed. "It's not like they're talking about having to _pee_ all the time."

David Michael edged away from me. "You're going to _pee_ on us?"

"No!" I snapped. "I'm not _peeing_ on anyone!"

Grace began to bang her plastic fork on the table while chanting the word "pee" over and over again. After a few minutes of trying to eat to this steady rhythm, Emily Michelle made a face.

"Great, now _I_ have to pee!" she said as she rushed from the table.

"What's wrong with girls that they can't hold it in?" Benny demanded to know.

"We just have really _tiny_ little bladders," Karen told him. "They could, like, explode at any given minute, they're so small."

Grace's chanting rose to a scream and Mom glanced at me. "Kristy? Pancakes or Grace?"

"Grace," I said, finishing the last bite of my breakfast then scooping our offending toddler into my arms. "Come on, Sticky, let's get you cleaned up."

She continued to shout pee all the way up the stairs. I could hear the older kids whining to my mother about them being too grossed out to eat anymore. I laughed to myself. It's a good thing none of them were actively babysitting. Karen could handle it, but the other three were disgusted way too easily.

I carried my little sister into the bathroom and set her up on the counter. I started to wipe some of the sticky syrup from her fingers and found that she had smeared them into her hair. I thought a moment then went to tub to turn on the tap. Grace groaned.

"I don't want a bath," she said as I helped her to the floor.

"What if I take a bath with you?"

Grace looked me over as though she were trying to decide if I was serious. "Really?"

"Yeah, sure. I haven't had a shower today. We could steal some of Mom's bubble bath stuff and have a luxury bath together."

"What does luxury mean?"

"Smelly with lots of bubbles."

Grace weighed her options seriously. "All right," she finally agreed.

"Good. Come on. We'll go get our supplies from Mom and Watson's bathroom."

I didn't know how Grace and Emily Michelle ever kept things straight. We Thomas kids called our stepfather Watson and the Brewers called Mom Elizabeth. So, with everyone tossing around different names, it must've been impossible for them to figure out who was who. But, no matter how they did it, both girls seemed to understand that the two parents of the household were "Mom" and "Dad." Everyone, regardless of birth, called Nannie just Nannie.

After retrieving the appropriate supplies (including the big, fluffy white towels only Mom and Watson used since the rest of the clan was hell bent of destroying all the towels that were in the house anyways), we went back into the bathroom to take our bath. I helped Grace out of her clothes and made her stay out of the tub while I slipped out of my pajamas. For the first time, I suddenly realized that my stomach was starting to look a little rounder than usual. Grace noticed it, too.

"You're getting_ fat_," she told me matter-of-factly.

"I am not getting _fat_," I assured her as I settled us both into the tub. It was one of those big tubs with a "shallow" end and a "deep" end. I set Grace down in the shallow end while I basked down in the deeper part. The bubbles reached just to my chest and only inches below Grace's chin. I'd have to keep an extra close eye on her to make sure she didn't slip into deeper water. "And, besides, maybe _you're_ getting fat, too."

"No. Only you," she said, blowing a fistful of bubbles into the air. I looked down at myself.

"I look fatter?" I asked her. Grace looked up to study me. She nodded.

"Yes. Your tummy looks bigger."

"Grace, do you know why I'm getting fat?" I asked. She nodded sagely.

"It's because you eat too many pancakes."

I laughed aloud. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"That's what David Michael told Karen at breakfast after she ate five pancakes."

"I hope Mom smacked him for that."

Grace. "They both did."

"Good, he deserves that one." I looked at Grace. "Not that hitting is a _good_ thing. Just this special time."

"You didn't say why you're getting fat," she reminded me. God, how was it a _two year old_ could stay more focused than I could? I pointed to my belly.

"There's a baby in there," I told her. Grace narrowed her eyes.

"Babies are bigger than that."

"Well, it will be bigger than this in a few months. It's just really little right now." Grace shook her head.

"No, the baby I have is bigger than that." Grace's baby doll, Fred. It was a girl and she still named it _Fred_. When one has so many little brothers and sisters one overlooks the weird little things like naming a baby doll with long, blonde hair Fred. "Lying is bad, Kristy."

"I know it is. But, I'm telling the truth." I scrambled around in my head for an appropriate analogy. "It's kind of like Nannie's garden and the greenhouse. You know how little the seeds are when we put them in the dirt?" Grace nodded carefully. "Well, it's kind of like that. The baby's growing inside me like a seed grows in the dirt."

"You have dirt inside you?" Grace asked, pulling a face. I laughed.

"No, of course not. But, it's just like having dirt inside, I guess. I have a special place inside me where the baby grows."

"Like a seed," she said slowly. I nodded.

"Just like a seed."

"Well, me and Nannie put all the seeds into the ground. Where did you get your baby seed from?"

My face flushed with embarrassment and shame. I hadn't an idea how to answer that. How had I gotten into a sex education discussion with my two year old sister?

"God put it in there," I said lamely. Grace studied my face carefully before nodding.

"All right. So, are you going to keep getting fatter?"

I sighed with relief. "Yep, until the baby comes out."

"Do we have to pull him out like with carrots?"

"Not really. It's hard to explain." I splashed some bubbles towards her. "Aren't Mommy's bubbles awesome? They smell really good."

"_Like apples_!" Grace shrieked. They were coconut scented, but apples were currently the only fruit she ate. Everything was apples right now.

We finished our bath with normal conversation and I returned her to Nannie, all scrubbed up and clean. I went back upstairs to try and take a nap. I needed it after the chat I'd just had with Grace.

**26**

"_Kristy!_ Wake up!"

My eyes snapped open and instantly the dream dissolved. Nannie was shaking my arms, but stopped when she realized I was awake. I groaned and put my hands over my face.

"Another one?" I asked quietly.

"Sorry, honey," Nannie said. "You know, going to see that therapist might not be such a bad idea. Maybe she can help you stop these nightmares."

I shook my head. "No, I don't _need_ a therapist. I just need to snap out of it." I climbed to my feet. I was feeling a little queasy again. Nannie noticed.

"Why don't I get you some ginger ale?"

"Thanks, Nannie."

I turned on the TV while I waited for her to return. There wasn't anything good on. There never was until primetime. Which is why I've been online, buying crazy amounts of movies and my favorite shows on DVD. I couldn't go back to school, I didn't want anyone to see me like this, but I was slowly going stir crazy by being cooped up in the house for so long. Nannie returned with my ginger ale.

"Nannie, is it cold outside?" I asked conversationally. She shrugged.

"It's actually pretty mild today. Why? Did you want to go for a walk?"

"I was thinking about asking Jessi if she wanted to go on one. She's probably just as bored as I am right now."

Nannie nodded and took my cup when I was finished with it. "That's a good idea, honey. You two need to stretch your legs."

I waited until she left to get dressed. Up to this point, I had only been in pajamas and my neighbors probably wouldn't appreciate me wandering around in a t-shirt and underwear.

I picked out a looser pair of jeans that were starting to feel a little more snug, but nothing too drastic yet. I slid on a tank top, a long sleeved shirt and a hoodie. I could probably get away with only putting a hat and mittens on, too, if it was as warm as Nannie said.

I headed downstairs and into the living room. Grace was staring at the TV screen, which was playing on of her educational videos again. Nannie usually only lets Grace watch about an hour of TV throughout the day, but only the good kind. The rest of the time, they bake and cook for our massive family, do little arts and crafts projects, play outside, and all those other things that I hoped my baby would be able to do as well. I couldn't image my little girl being a couch potato, especially when our family was always so active and on the run.

I waved to Grace, who didn't bother to wave back, and went down the hall into Jessi and Becca's suite. Becca's door was open and she was sitting in a chair, staring out the window. I tapped on Jessi's door and she called to say come on.

"Hey, Jessi," I said.

"Hey, Kristy. What's going on?" She was balancing precariously on one of her crutches, trying to hang up a poster of a ballerina on the wall. She cocked her head. "Does that look even to you?"

"Yeah. I guess it does."

"Good," she said with relief. She gestured towards her bed which was absolutely covered with posters, pictures, and even little pieces of paper with quotes on them. She noticed the surprise on my face. "I thought it would look more like my room if I hung up my stuff. Do you think your parents will mind?"

I shook my head. "I doubt it. Um, are you busy?"

Jessi glanced at me. "Not really. I got bored, so I dug out my posters box from the spare room. Why?"

"I'm getting a little restless. Do you want to go on a walk?" I looked down at her legs. "If you think you're up to it."

"I'll just bring my walker," she said, then rolled her eyes. "Ew, _really_. What _16 year old_ owns a _walker_?"

"You?"

"Unfortunately." She gestured towards the door. "Ask Becca if she wants to come. She's been pretty quiet the past couple of days. Maybe she needs to get out and do some moving around, too."

"All right."

Becca smiled sadly when I entered her room. "Jessi wants me to get off my butt, huh?"

"She phrased it nicer than that."

Becca got to her feet. "All right, I'll go. But, we shouldn't stay out too long. The cold will bother Jessi's legs."

"It will _not_!" Jessi called.

"It will," Becca whispered. "Just let me put my shoes on."

"Awesome. I'll meet you guys by the door?"

Becca nodded and I saw Jessi roll her eyes as I left the suite. It was nice that they were starting to behave a little more like themselves again.

**26**

"I think I need to rest," Jessi said tightly. Both Becca and I nodded.

"There's a bench right there," Becca said and led her sister towards it. I sat down beside Jessi, but Becca didn't. "I'm going to play around for a bit."

I nodded and she headed off towards the swings. Ever since Becca had come home, she had been spending a lot of time doing things that a kid much younger than her age would do. Mom was convinced she was regressing to try to cope with the stress of losing her family and we should just let her do what she wanted so long as it wasn't too extreme. Of course, swinging on a swing set wasn't unusual for anyone. If I wasn't concerned about the baby, I probably would've joined her.

Jessi sighed heavily. "Sorry for making you guys wait for me."

I shook my head. "Nah, that's fine. I like freezing my butt onto benches in February."

"At least you're not complaining," Jessi laughed and watched her sister for a minute. "She's a good kid."

"I know."

"I know you do." Jessi shook her head. "I just don't want people to think she's being immature or anything."

"It's normal," I said.

"I guess so," Jessi said, looking worried. "I just hope it doesn't get much worse."

"It probably won't." We looked at one another. We both knew I had no idea if Becca would keep regressing or begin to fall back into her normal routines. Jessi smiled.

"Thanks."

I nodded. It was really a lot colder out here than Nannie said. I rubbed my arms. "How long before we should head back?"

"Give her a few minutes," Jessi advised. "She'll come back over when she realizes that she'll freeze to the swings if she doesn't."

I laughed. "Aw, little sisters." Jessi smiled, but kept watching Becca. "I took a bubble bath with Grace this morning."

Jessi began to laugh. "Why?"

"Let's just say that there was a lot of syrup at breakfast this morning."

Jessi wrinkled her nose. "She put it in her _hair_, didn't she? God, Squirt used to do that all the time when he was a baby."

I noticed her face become a little sadder than it had been and barreled on about Grace so that Jessi wouldn't have to think about her brother.

"She seemed to like it. She kept calling me fat, though."

Jessi giggled. "Because of the baby? I can't even tell you're pregnant."

"Well, my tummy's a little rounder and Grace happily pointed that out."

"She's a good sister, trying to make sure you don't get any fatter."

I laughed. "Oh, I don't know if I'd quite put it like that." We smiled at one another and returned to watching Becca. She had really gotten the swing up high. Part of me wanted to scold her to slow down, but Becca was old enough to know better, so I knew I ought to just butt out and leave her alone. "So, anyways, Grace wanted to know all about why I was getting fat. She's convinced that there isn't a baby in there because Fred's a lot bigger."

Jessi shuddered. "Fred? That creepy _doll _she has?"

"One and the same."

"God, that thing is _weird_."

I laughed. "You're jealous of Fred because Fred is amazing." Jessi rolled her eyes. "But, yeah. Grace kept asking about the baby over and over. We talked for at least a good ten minutes about the baby."

"What did she say?"

"Well, how come the baby wasn't big yet? How is it going to get bigger?" I paused for a moment. "How did it get in there?"

Jessi stopped watching Becca to stare at me. "Kristy, are you OK?"

I started to sob for the millionth time since I found out I was pregnant. Only, this time, I was sobbing so hard it was becoming difficult for me to catching my breath. I felt Jessi's hand on my back, rubbing it in slow, gentle circles.

"Jessi, is it bad that I wish it had never happened?"

"No, Kristy."

"Why did this happen to _me_?" Jessi didn't answer. "I'm not a _whore_! I never even had sex until that night. And, I haven't it since then, either! _It's not right!_"

"No, it isn't."

I gasped for air for a few seconds before continuing on. "_Why_ did this happen to me? I don't understand!"

"Kristy, bad things happen," Jessi said quietly. I looked at her. She would know. "Nobody knows why they do, but they do. I guess you just have to accept what happened and try to start living from there."

"I just want to feel _normal_ again," I whimpered and she pulled my face up against her chest. I kept crying into the shiny blue fabric of her coat. "I don't _want_ to have the responsibility of a baby yet!"

"It's going to be all right."

"How can you _say_ that? You don't know!"

"I don't know, you're right. But, you have to have something to keep you sane and get you through the day."

My sobbing gradually grew less intense and I finally pulled away from Jessi once I was only sniffling. "You must hate me."

"For what?" she asked with a smile.

"For thinking my life is_ so_ horrible when you've been through so much more than I have."

She offered me a tissue from the bag she had tied onto her walker. "At least what happened to me was an accident, Kristy. What happened to you was a crime. You have every right to hate it."

"What if I'm a terrible mother? I mean, it's Valentine's Day and I don't even have a _boyfriend_. How can I raise a baby without a _boyfriend_?"

"People do," Jessi said gently. "Besides, you're already a great mother for looking out for this baby the way you do. Every kid should be so lucky."

"I don't know." I stared down at the ground. "Do you think she'll hate me?"

"She?" Jessi said suddenly, her voice raising in excitement. I blushed deeply. I had completely forgotten to tell anyone. Maybe it was just as well. Maybe I ought to just keep it a surprise… well, except for Jessi now, of course.

I smiled weakly. "Yeah, I found out yesterday. It's a girl."

"Oh, wow, Kristy," Jessi breathed and gave me a quick, tight hug. "That's so great. A little girl. Have you thought of a name?"

"I only found out yesterday," I reminded her then shook my head. "Anyways, that's not what we were talking about! We're talking about whether my own daughter is going to hate me!"

"I don't think she will," Jessi said calmly. "I think she'll love you because you're going to be an awesome mother."

"Yeah?" I wiped my eyes. "Why would you say that?"

"Oh, come on, Kristy. Have you seen yourself around your brothers and sisters? You're amazing. You're like a one-woman crowd control unit. You can keep all of them in line with one obnoxious whistle and you love every single one of them to death. It's crazy." She shook her head and looked over at me. "I don't think I've ever seen someone with so much love inside of them before and you actually have to stop and ask me whether or not you will be a good mother."

I let out another sob, but managed to stop myself from a second. "Thanks, Jessi."

She patted my arm. "Any time. But, do you think we can head back home? My butt's _frozen_, I think."

I laughed. "Yeah, you're right. _Becca!_ Come on! We're going home!"

"Coming, _mother_!" she shouted back and leaped off the swing and into the thick layer of snow in front of it. Jessi shook her head.

"That girl is insane," she said as Becca trotted over to us, dripping from head to toe from soggy snow. "Come on, crazy. Let's go home."

"Jessi?" I called and she glanced over her shoulder.

"Let it be a surprise, all right?"

"Sure thing, Kristy."

I walked a little ways behind the two sisters to regain my composure. Even though Jessi had quieted my fears for the time being, I knew they were still lurking and would strike again if I wasn't careful.


	27. All in the Family

**Chapter 27: All in the Family**

**Jessi**

_February 26_

_Friday at last. I've only been back to school for a couple of days, but I am already exhausted. I am so glad that it's finally the weekend. I need the break from everyone's prying eyes and all too careful questions._

The family decided to have dinner as a whole instead of everyone running around, grabbing what they could before going their separate ways. Elizabeth and Watson had made a rule years ago that at least one dinner per week had to be spent with all the members of the family present. Even if they just ordered pizza or Chinese, everyone had to eat together and remember what it was like to be a part of a big, loving family.

It was spaghetti with meat sauce, garlic bread, and salad for dinner. Karen had volunteered to make dinner and since she was only able to make the simplest of meals, we usually had spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, sandwiches, and soups whenever she insisted on cooking the evening meal. It never tasted bad, but Karen didn't cook very much since it would drive us crazy to eat the same foods over and over again. At least Elizabeth and Nannie had a ton of recipes to make dinner fun and interesting for the whole family. It's an amazing feat, getting everyone in the house to agree on what foods to make for dinners.

"Jessi, can you pass the salad dressing?" Benny asked. I was seated between him and Becca. I looked around.

"Which one?" I asked in return. "There are three bottles out right now."

"Ranch," he replied. I leaned over my plate and grabbed onto the bottle of ranch dressing. Benny thanked me as I gave it to him and poured a huge amount onto his salad. Karen wrinkled her nose.

"That's _disgusting_," she said. Benny shrugged.

"I don't like my salad dry like you do."

"I put salad dressing on my salad," Karen said defensively. "I just didn't put a lot on so that I won't gain a ton of weight."

Kristy let out a snort of laughter. "Can I borrow some of your weight loss dressing, Karen?"

"Funny," Karen said and stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork. She stared down at her food with a sulky face. "You are all such comedians."

I glanced over at Elizabeth and Watson. I had taken to calling them by their first names instead of calling them Mr. and Mrs. Brewer. Karen and Andrew called Mrs. Brewer by her first name while the kids from her first marriage called Mr. Brewer by his first name. Benny, Becca, and I weren't related to or raised by either of them, so we called both by their first names. It was a little more comfortable for everyone once Becca and I felt confident enough that it wouldn't offend them by calling them by their first names. I'll admit, the first time was weird, but it had become almost second nature for us.

Elizabeth smiled at me. "Jessi, do you want anything else to eat? You haven't eaten much."

I looked down at my plate. I had hardly touched my food. I knew it was because the doctor's had taken me off all my narcotic pain killers and I was in so much pain that eating was difficult for me. I didn't like to eat since most of what I eat came right back up as soon as a wave of pain struck me. I twisted my fork into the spaghetti noodles. I hated not being able to eat, especially when the food was something that I liked.

I sighed. "I guess I'm not very hungry tonight."

Elizabeth paused for a moment. I could feel her studying me carefully and felt my face heat up in embarrassment. "That's all right. Maybe I'll call Dr. Benson's on call number."

I looked back up at her. "I don't want to bother him."

"Don't worry about it," she assured me. "I'll take care of it."

"Take care of what?" Emily Michelle asked. I've never seen a nosier kid in my life.

"None of your business," Karen replied.

Emily Michelle frowned. "You don't have to be so mean."

"Girls," Watson said quietly. Both girls glanced between him and each other before Karen retreated back to her food and Emily Michelle began a quiet conversation with Grace. The toddler was perched in her high chair and looking extremely proud of herself. She had managed to smear most of her spaghetti sauce around the tray on the chair and into her hair and all over her face. Kristy glanced at her baby sister and sighed. She probably figured she'd be the one to dunk Grace into the bathtub.

I cleared my throat and glanced over at Kristy. "What time do you want to leave?"

All of the kids' eyes brightened.

"Where are we going?" Emily Michelle asked eagerly. Kristy shook her head.

"_We_ aren't going anywhere. Jessi and I are going out. That's it."

Elizabeth shifted back in her chair and stared at Kristy. "You are supposed to be baby-sitting tonight."

"Mom, come _on_. I haven't been out of the house in _weeks_," Kristy whined. I let myself grin. "Can't I just have some kid free time?"

"Kristy, Watson, Nannie, and I made plans to see the orchestra that's performing in the city months ago," Elizabeth said firmly. "You can't go around canceling at the last minute. You knew we were going out. Besides, you, of all people, should be able to understand the importance of having a responsible, reliable baby-sitter."

"I'm not a baby-sitter anymore!" Kristy snapped.

"I could do it," Karen said suddenly.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Karen. She was eleven, after all. Mallory and I had been junior officers in the Baby-Sitter's Club when we were eleven. Besides, Karen had a similar family background to Mallory's. Karen had three younger siblings which she helped to look after whenever she got the chance. Watson and Elizabeth exchanged looks.

"Well, Karen… we're probably going to be out late…" Watson said carefully. Karen frowned.

"It's a Friday night, Dad. It's not like I have to go to school tomorrow," she argued. "Besides, I'm old enough to start baby-sitting on my own now."

"Karen, you've never been home alone at night before," Elizabeth told her. "You might get scared."

Karen shrugged. "So, I can call the Kilbournes if it gets too scary. Or, I could call the Pikes. Or, I could Mrs. McGill. Remember that time she baby-sat when Stacey caught the flu? She told me what a great job I did watching over Grace and Grace was only a year old then. She's two now, which makes it even easier."

"I don't know if I'd go that far," Kristy mumbled as she watched her two year old sister drop spaghetti noodles down into Shannon the dog's happy mouth. "Look, she's feeding Shannon again."

I laughed as Karen waved at Shannon. "Bad girl! No begging!" Shannon barked at her cheerfully then bounded to the other side of the kitchen, wiggling with nervous energy. Grace shrieked with delight and threw a fistful of messy noodles Shannon's way. Some of the sauce landed on Emily Michelle, who groaned.

"You got sauce on my shirt, Grace!" she moaned. Elizabeth helped Emily Michelle up.

"Come on, let's get that into the wash right away before it has the chance to set in." She glanced at me. "Jessi, honey, could you clean Grace up? Karen, would you help her?"

I nodded and got to my feet. I was definitely finished trying to eat after watching Grace fling her dinner across the kitchen. The rest of the family continued to eat as Karen scooped Grace up and headed towards the first floor bathroom.

It wasn't nearly as big as the ones upstairs or even in our suite, but it had a small bathtub in it and wasn't so nice that I worried about bringing in a sauce covered toddler. Karen set Grace down on the floor and turned on the water. I handed Grace the basket of bath toys that was under the sink and she sat down to consider which toys were worthy enough to be brought into the water with her. Karen glanced at me.

"I know how to wash my little sister," she said. She sounded pretty resentful.

"I didn't say you couldn't," I replied carefully.

Karen sighed. "I know, but try telling Dad and Elizabeth that. They still think I'm a little girl. They treat me like a baby and it's so annoying."

"I think everyone feels that way when they're in sixth grade," I said with a smile. "I sure did. Mama and Daddy wouldn't let me do any of the cool things I wanted to do. I had to fight with them over everything I wanted."

"I just want to be treated like an adult," Karen said flatly. I looked away from Grace to look at her face. She looked worn and tired.

"Karen, you're eleven. Just try to be eleven for a while, OK?" She looked away from me and I could tell that she was not appreciating what I was saying. I kept going anyways. "Besides, why do you want to be a grown-up? So that you have more responsibilities and problems to deal with? God, I wish I could go back to being a kid and not having to worry about all the things that I do."

"You're _not_ me," Karen said shortly, indicating that the topic had run its course. I nodded and went back to soaping down Grace, who was splashing her hands against the water. "Besides, it's not like I haven't been baby-sitting for years anyways. I have two little sisters and a little brother. I've been making sure they don't shove batteries up their noses or something. Dad and Elizabeth are being completely unfair."

"They're scared," I suggested. "Maybe they just are afraid that something might happen."

"Nothing will happen." I could see the frustration written all over her features. "God, this isn't _fair_!"

I looked back at Grace. She had finished splashing and was watching her half sister pace the bathroom. Grace's blue eyes turned to me and I sighed.

"What if I stay here, too?"

"That's not _me_ babysitting!" Karen snapped.

"No," I replied quickly. "I'll stay in my room and work on homework. I'll be here if you have an emergency or need some help, but I won't bother you at all."

Karen thought for a moment. "I don't know…"

"Come on, Karen. You know your parents aren't going to let you baby-sit all alone with all the kids late at night. Besides, Benny and David Michael are your age anyways and Becca is over at Charlotte's for the night. Do you think they're going to like it if you're officially put in charge?"

"I guess not."

"Well, then I'll be in charge. You watch the little kids and I'll be here if Benny or David Michael need anything."

Karen grinned and nodded. "I'll go ask Dad."

**27**

"Jessi, you _promised_ we'd go out tonight!"

I shook my head. "I know, but this was really important to Karen. She really wants to show your parents how responsible she is."

Kristy narrowed her eyes. "I haven't been out in weeks. The only people I've seen on a regular basis are Grace and Nannie. I haven't spent any real time with someone my age." She rolled her eyes. "Or, close to my age and who's my friend."

I couldn't blame her for being angry. She had asked me over a week ago to go out tonight and just have some fun. We were planning on devouring an entire pizza between the two of us and catching a movie. Then we were going to walk around downtown (aka the two blocks of shops and businesses) in our unseasonably warm weather and just enjoy being girls for an evening. I had been looking forward to it, too, but when I saw Karen's face all I could think of was me pleading with my parents to let me do things that I felt I was old enough and mature enough to do.

"Can't we do this tomorrow?" I asked hopefully. Kristy shook her head angrily.

"How do I know you won't just find some reason to get out of it?"

I laughed. "I'm not ditching you!"

"That's bullshit and you know it!" Kristy said, her voice rising. "Not one of you has been here to help me! Why don't I get some of the attention around here? I deserve some, too, you know."

"Kristy-"

"I'm the one who has to put her life on hold!" she shouted. I could see that she was struggling not to cry again. Kristy had been uncharacteristically weepy the past few weeks. "You can move on! I have this-" she stabbed angrily at her stomach "-to deal with and all anyone's worried about is your dead parents!"

I blinked. I opened my mouth to start to say something harsher back then stopped. I really didn't need or want to do this.

"Think whatever you want to think, Kristy. I don't care anymore, if that's the way you're going to be about it."

Kristy took a deep breath and nodded. "Fine." She started to leave the room then stopped and looked back at me. "I _really_ appreciate the way you've made my family care more about you than about their own _daughter_. I guess that's what really _good_ friends do."

Before I could say anything in return, Kristy stomped away from the room. I listened until I heard a door upstairs slam with such force that the glasses in the cupboards clinked together for a moment. I shook my head. I had no idea how to respond to this so instead of trying to make it better, I just gave up. There wasn't much point in trying to make nice with someone who had said such vicious things unprovoked. Besides, I didn't need someone like Kristy trying to ruin the delicate, at best, balance my life had settled into.

**27**

"I put the little kids to bed."

The book I had been holding on my lap tumbled to the ground as I jumped in surprise. Karen was standing in the doorway, looking tired but happy. I smiled.

"Any fights?"

She shook her head. "Nope. Grace was tired anyways since Nannie had her running all over the place, so she was asleep before I even had to get her into bed. Andrew looked like he wanted to go to bed anyways. Emily Michelle tried to talk me into letting her stay up until the grown-ups came home, but she gave that up easily enough. I don't know why Dad and Elizabeth think they're so hard to watch after."

I smiled. "Karen, you were the one being babysat when all of the kids were being watched. Trust me, there was a reason your parents hired two sitters after Grace was born."

She grinned back at me. "Yeah, I guess we were kind of a handful."

"That's a massive understatement," I laughed and Karen joined me. A few seconds later a shout came from the living room.

"Will you guys quiet down?" Kristy shouted. "I'm trying to watch TV!"

"Sorry," Karen yelled right back.

We both stood in silence and stillness until we were sure Kristy wasn't going to pick another fight, like she had all evening. She had even started to snap at Grace before Karen threatened to call her dad on his cell phone. Kristy had glared daggers at her before storming upstairs and slamming the door once again. We hadn't heard from her until now.

"I don't see how she got downstairs and settled into watching a show that fast," Karen mumbled. She closed my door carefully. "What is going on with the two of you anyways?"

I shrugged. "It's not me. Everything I say seems to greatly offend her. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to her, especially when she says some really horrible, really un-Kristy things."

"Yeah," Karen said thoughtfully, sinking down onto my bed. "I just wish I knew what was wrong with her so we could fix it and make her better."

I sighed. "It's probably not a quick fix kind of problem."

"Yeah, I know," she said. She paused and looked me over. "You're still dressed."

I rolled my eyes. "I've been reading."

"It's almost eleven," she said. I smiled.

"Do you want me to go to bed, too, Miss Baby-Sitter Extraordinaire?"

She shrugged. "Well, you usually need some help changing and I didn't think you wanted to wait for Elizabeth to get home to get into your pajamas."

"All right," I agreed. "I've got some new ones Elizabeth gave me for Valentine's Day. You know, our family didn't give out presents for every little holiday."

Karen walked to the end of my bed which I had forced myself to make so that Nannie wouldn't do it and make me feel guilty for not doing it myself. Draped over the edge was a pair of pinstriped pink and white pajamas. They were silky but not so silky that they felt slippery when I put them on. I got awkwardly to my feet as Karen shook out my pajamas and laid them on the bed.

"Yeah, welcome to Brewer-Thomas world. We celebrate every little thing we can think of, especially after Dad had his heart attack a few years ago. Ever since then, he and Elizabeth have been crazy about trying to do more things as a family and to take the time to celebrate being a family." Karen smiled warmly as she no doubt remembered a few of those celebrations. "He and Kristy actually celebrated some important baseball day where they only cooked hotdogs and popcorn and stuff like that, which Dad wasn't supposed to be eating anyways. Elizabeth would've banned it except for after the first time he and Kristy organized it, all of the boys in the family made Kristy their hero for getting the family to celebrate… um, Baseball Day, I guess."

Karen gave me her hand and I needed little help to get to my feet. It was mostly the problem of getting on my pants which made it necessary for someone to help me. Becca, who had been doing great since she awoke from her coma, usually helps me. Then either Elizabeth or Nannie. Rarely did anyone but the three of them help me, but I knew that Karen and Kristy knew the routine anyways so if all of those people were out of the house (like tonight), I had someone to help me. I doubted the boys knew how.

"Becca and I ought to trick your parents into making something we like into a holiday, too," I said as Karen helped me take off my sweatshirt. I usually try to stay away from anything but button down shirts because pulling sweaters over my head would make me go off-balance sometimes. She turned away after helping me take off my oversized t-shirt. I took off my bra, slid on the pajama top, and began to button it. After a few seconds, I told her she could turn back around again.

"Go for it. David Michael's more into basketball now, so he makes us watch this weird basketball thing on TV and we all have to eat "stadium food" like we do during the baseball holiday."

"Don't you people have _normal_ holidays?" I asked with a laugh. I unbuttoned the top of my jeans and slid the zipper down. Karen helped me slid them down to my ankles then helped me sit down on the edge of my bed so she could take them off.

"Oh, yeah. We celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Years and stuff."

"What else?" I asked as she slid my feet into the pajama bottoms.

"Well, we do celebrate Easter," Karen said, glancing up at me quickly before returning to the task of getting me dressed. "At least, we do at my mother's house. They started going to church a lot a couple of years ago and whenever Andrew and I are over at their house on Easter, we have to do all of the Easter things."

"Like chocolate eggs and stuff?" I asked with a smile. Karen helped me to my feet again and I slid the pants up and tied them off. Karen shrugged.

"Not quite. More like church services and fasting beforehand and all of that stuff." She looked a little bothered. "I don't really like it, so I try to come here if I can."

"What about Andrew?" I asked. "Does he like it?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm not sure. He doesn't really talk about it with me."

I hesitated for a moment before asking the question that had jumped forward in my head. "Is that why you don't like being at your mom's? Because of the church and stuff?"

Her eyes narrowed quickly then her face relaxed. "No, but I don't want to talk about why, OK?"

"Yeah," I said then faked a yawn. "You know, I think I'm going to go to bed after all."

"Want help into your bed?"

"I'm not that big of a cripple anymore," I said gently. I was working on trying not to take everything as seriously as I had after the accident. It was hard, but I was tired of always being so depressed and miserable. Not that I wasn't always depressed and miserable on some level, but at least if I tried it wouldn't hurt so badly all the time.

Karen smiled back. "All right. Have a good night."

"You, too."

Karen started to leave then hesitated at the door. "Thanks for tonight, Jessi. I'm sorry that it got you into such hot water with Kristy, though."

I sighed. "It's all right. I'll figure something out."

"OK." She didn't look too convinced. "Good night, then."

"Good night, Karen."

Once I was alone, I got into bed and turned off the light next to my bed.

It was hard to see Kristy the way she was now. I had always seen her as being indestructible, so it was hard to watch her go through what she was going through now. Every minute seemed like a constant battle now and it was beginning to worry me. I didn't know what was happening in her head, but I knew it wasn't good. She wouldn't be lashing out and trying to hurt anyone if she was mentally healthy.

At least, that's what I learned from my numerous physical and mental health professionals.

Maybe she did have a point, though. She was being overlooked by everyone. Watson and Elizabeth were more concerned with me and Becca because we were the ones who had just lost our parents and our health. The whole family gravitated around those who were plainly sick and in need. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized how little attention was being paid to Kristy now. She had her whole family around her and they were supportive of her, even if they were distracted right now. I could barely stand to imagine what it felt like to think that nobody cared or noticed you. Before the accident, I had never struggled with problems like that, though I knew something about it from the things Mallory went through.

I just really hoped that Kristy wasn't becoming clinically depressed or anything. Mallory had struggled with that for a while before pulling her head above water, at least until the accident. She lost all interest in writing and books, picked fights with her family constantly, and even isolated herself from me as much as she could. It hurt to have a friend who didn't think I cared about her, but having watched Mallory struggle with this, it hurt even more now to watch Kristy spiral down the same path.

I'd have to find a way to help Kristy or at least tell her parents so that they could help her. I didn't want to see her hurt herself or anything, which, Mallory told me, is what some people do when they're suffering from severe depression. Maybe Kristy was already hurting herself. Oh, God, what if she had started drinking again, which was how she got into this position in the first place?

I must've tossed and turned all night long because when my alarm rang in the morning I felt like I hadn't a moment of sleep the whole night.


	28. I Never Thought I'd Doubt You

**Chapter 28: I Never Thought I'd Doubt You**

**Mary Anne**

_March 3_

_Jeff is visiting this weekend. I asked Rebekah if we could have the room to ourselves tonight and she agreed. She didn't sound too thrilled about it, but she's having a sleepover with some of the other girls on our floor, so it shouldn't be a problem. We've only really fooled around, but I think tonight is going to be the "big night."_

I was giddy about seeing Jeff. I had seen him a few times between our first date and his visit this weekend, but every time I saw him, I wanted to see more of him. I couldn't believe my good luck. Not only was Jeff a doctor, he was intelligent, funny, interesting, sweet, and super hot. I don't think I've ever wanted a guy this badly before and the only bad thing was how much Dawn seemed to disapprove of it.

I hadn't told Dad and Sharon about Jeff. I knew that they would be exactly like Dawn. They'd ask how old he was, why I was dating someone his age, what his intentions were, how was I protecting myself from about million different thing including heartbreak. Since I didn't much feel up to the Spanish Inquisition, I didn't say a word to them. Not even when Jeff dropped by the house to pick me up. He didn't have the chance to turn off the car before I was in and urging him to drive away.

I hate that Dawn doesn't like him. I hate whenever we disagree about anything, but disagreeing about Jeff was especially hard. I couldn't understand why she had to be so hard on him. She was spending tons of time with Alan Gray, her former (maybe) stalker, and she wanted me to steer clear of a perfectly normal, respectable doctor? Maybe she had eaten some overripe fruit or something, but her reasoning about why I shouldn't date Jeff was just plain stupid.

I wasn't going to let Dawn's thoughts about Jeff ruin my night. _Our_ night. We were going to have fun and do what makes us happy. If she was too stubborn to listen to my reasons for choosing him then it was her loss. It would also make holidays really awkward if we were ever to get married.

"So, Jeff, did you know Dawn thought you were a totally bad idea?"

Like I'd told her before, she just ought to butt out and mind her own business. Now, if I could just get her voice out of my head, everything would be perfect.

**28**

I glanced at my watch. It was nearly six o'clock. Jeff said that he'd get to my dorm sometime between five and six. I didn't want to look as nervous as I felt, so I went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my cheeks. I felt like I was burning up from embarrassment. I had talked about Jeff's visit with so many people so much that now that it was nearing the time that would make him officially late, no amount of logic could convince me that everyone wasn't snickering at me behind my back. I felt like some lame little high school girl going out on her first date. Ew.

I began to study myself in the mirror. The only thing worse than Jeff not showing up on time would be if he showed up and I looked like a mess.

I had made sure to add more curls and bounce to my hair that morning. I touched them up about an hour ago and they looked pretty good, despite being the end of a long, busy day of classes and struggling to get my homework done before Jeff arrived. I had even added some home kit highlights to my hair the night before and they looked surprisingly good. Usually, my hair doesn't take very well to dye jobs, but I figured I'd give it another try. I wanted to look a little different each time Jeff saw me so that our relationship wouldn't go stale for a very long time.

My face was remarkably blemish-free. I had covered all of the uneven sections with a bit of concealer to make it look smoother. Otherwise, I wasn't wearing much make-up. I had brushed some mascara on and a bit of lip gloss, but nothing else. I generally didn't wear much make-up when my skin was looking good. I prefer au natural and only use make-up when I need to distract people away from any problem areas.

My cell phone began to ring back in my room. I scrambled from the bathroom and scooped up the phone before it stopped ringing.

"Hello?" I answered, trying not to sound breathless.

"Mary Anne? Are you in your dorm?"

"Yeah, Jeff. Are you having trouble finding it?"

"Well, no, I'm inside the building, but I need you to come down and sign me in."

Damn those stupid security rules.

"I'll be right down."

We hung up and I grabbed my keys from my desk and rushed from the room. Rebekah called after me.

"I'll be gone by the time you get back up here."

"Thanks!" I shouted as I opened the door to the stairwell.

We live on the fourth floor, but, as much as possible, I like to use the stairs. I don't get as much exercise as I would like to get, so using the stairs made up for it just a tiny bit.

Before I went to the front lobby where Jeff would be, I paused for a minute to catch my breath and smooth my hair and clothes. There was no sense in looking desperate and sloppy. I was pleased with what I saw, so I went into the front lobby. My mouth automatically formed a giddy grin and I sighed. Jeff smiled.

"Ready to go upstairs?" I asked. He nodded.

"Only since I got here."

**28**

"Jeff, _please_!"

Once Jeff and I got upstairs to my room, we couldn't keep our hands off of one another. Ever since we started dating, we've had a very physical relationship. I was, for once, sick of talking all the time and never doing anything. Don't get me wrong, I still fall for sweet, gentle guys all the time, but I've gotten past the "let's just hold hands" stage in my life. Actually, I had been past that stage for longer than most people would imagine. Let's just say that one drunken night, Logan and I decided to explore the option of getting back together. In the morning, we decided that getting back together wasn't the best thing for us after all.

I had to applaud Jeff, though. After only sleeping with Logan and Pete Black (we dated sophomore year until the beginning of senior year), it was very refreshing to have a partner who didn't just worry about his own needs. Jeff was very much interested in my needs and I, obviously, didn't make any attempt to stop him.

Now, though, it was becoming harder and harder to think. Jeff had pushed me to the brink of release several times and held off just before I did. I wanted to hate him for the way he was torturing me, but it was such delicious torture that I keep my mouth closed. Figuratively, of course.

Jeff was over the top of me, his eyes closed with concentration. I was panting and trying to get out a coherent bit of speech but could only get out little gasps and single words. Jeff peeked down at me and smiled. I could tell by the tension in his body that he was nearly finished himself. I leaned up and pressed my lips to his ear.

"Jeff," I gasped. "Now."

My urging effectively finished both of us. Jeff fell down next to me, panting from his exertion. I reached out to stroke his hair.

"You're amazing," I said once I had caught my breath. "Are you aware of how amazing you are?"

"I have a vague idea," he said with a grin.

I rolled over and planted a chaste little kiss on his lips. "Well, you should be proud of yourself."

He smiled at me and studied my face. "You look cute when you're all red and sweaty."

I laughed then rolled over to my side of the bed so that I could sit up. "Sweet pillow talk."

"Hey, it's the pillow talk or the sex. I can't be good at both."

"Yeah, that's true. I prefer the sex."

A faint beeping sound was coming from the pile of Jeff's clothes. We both looked at it before Jeff groaned.

"I'm on call tonight, Mary Anne. They suckered me into it _again_." He got to his feet and went over to his clothes. I admired the view while he started to get dressed. "Are you going to hate me for leaving so soon?"

"Nah, you're saving lives. That's a good enough excuse for me," I told him. He laughed.

"No, I'm just making sure they don't die on me. I'm not down there actually saving lives like they do in the ER."

"It's still kind of sexy," I said. Jeff turned around, still buttoning his shirt. He leaned his legs against the bed and leaned down to kiss me. "I wish you weren't so sexy. Maybe that's why they want you. A little man candy for the nurses tonight?"

"You're_ too_ sweet," he murmured against my mouth. "But, I really do need to get out of here."

I climbed off my bed and began to get dressed. "Well, I need to sign you out," I said when he gave me a funny look. "You don't want to get arrested or anything."

Jeff helped me shrug on my coat. "Thanks for being my escort."

"Filthy boy," I laughed as we left the room.

Our goodbyes were short, sweet, and simple. Jeff had to run once his pager went off the second time. I hoped that he wouldn't drive too fast to get over to the hospital.

**28**

Rebekah had come back to the room after I wandered over to tell her that Jeff had an emergency to attend to at the hospital. The other girls started giggling. Word had spread about my dating an actual doctor and everyone found it funny. I suppose I did, too, but I never showed it around anyone else.

My roommate was laying on her bed, watching a movie on her laptop. It was nearly 10:30, so I assumed that she was winding down for the night. Normally, Bekah isn't the kind of girl who stays in on Friday and Saturday nights. She doesn't party, but she's always finding something fun to do with her friends. Sometimes I even go with them since Bekah and I got along fairly well. It had only been since she knew that Jeff would be visiting our dorm that she seemed cold and unfriendly.

She glanced over at my bed. I was sitting on it, thinking about what to do with the rest of my evening now that Jeff had left early. Bekah pointed to the floor.

"What's that?"

"What?" I asked as I leaned down to look at the floor. I gasped. "_Oh, God!_ That's Jeff's hospital ID badge! He needs that to get in and out of the ICU."

"Does he know yet?"

I shook my head. "He probably went home to change into some scrubs first." I groaned. "I should drive to his apartment before he leaves. I can probably get there before then if I leave right now."

"I'll leave the light on," she offered. I shook my head.

"Thanks, but I'll just spend the night at home if I'm driving out there this time of night." Bekah shrugged.

"OK, have a good night," she said in a bored voice.

I scooped the badge into my purse, slid some boots on, and raced down the stairs in record time. I waved at the RAs manning the check-in desk and left the dorm as fast as I could walk.

**28**

I parked just outside of Jeff's building. The doorman recognized me, so I waved back at my car.

"I'm only stopping to drop off his badge," I called as I began to climb the stairs.

"Just make sure you're back down here in five minutes, otherwise it'll get towed," he called back. I rolled my eyes. I hated this apartment building. It was a little more upscale than any apartments I had seen (with the exception of Stacey's father's), but the people were pretty much all jerks. I wished Jeff would just hurry up and move already.

By the time I got to the third floor, I was out of breath. I leaned down to hold my knees as I took deep, calming breathes. After a couple minutes, I felt good enough to approach his door. He had given me a key to use whenever I wanted to come over, so instead of knocking, I put the key into the keyhole and turned the handle. It felt so adult, entering a man's apartment with the key he had given you.

"Jeff?" I called. The lights were still on, so I assumed he was in the bedroom or bathroom. "Jeff, you left your ID at the dorm."

I looked around his somewhat messy living room. It was no wonder he forgot his ID. It looked like he could lose anything in this mess.

"Mary Anne?" he called. "That you?"

"Duh, how many dorms have you been to tonight?" I laughed.

There was a lot of scuffling in the back bedroom and I began to approach it. I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard voices speaking to one another. I shook my head. Jeff had probably just turned on the TV while he was changing. He was addicted to the weather channel which I didn't really understand. My hand rested on the doorknob a moment before I pushed the door open. My mouth fell open and I immediately wished I hadn't opened the door.

A petite redhead was sitting on the edge of the bed, her body covered by a sheet she had clearly hastily wrapped around herself. Jeff was struggling to get into his pants and froze as soon as my eyes met his.

"What the hell is _this_?" I asked in a whisper. Jeff seemed to come back to life and jerked his pants up all the way and fastened the button.

"Mary Anne, this isn't-"

"_It is!_" I screamed suddenly. I felt a red hot blaze of fury run through me. "_You lying bastard!_" The girl stood up quickly, her eyes nervous. "Oh, by the way, he _just_ finished sleeping with me."

The girl looked at Jeff then back at me. "I know."

I wanted to run out of the room from the humiliation those two words struck into me. "How?"

"I paged him."

I would've flown at her, except that Jeff grabbed my wrists and managed to drag me back into the living room. I struggled against him, but since I wasn't very tall or strong, it didn't matter. Finally, I jerked myself away from him.

"How could you _do_ this to me?" I asked. "I thought you _cared _about me."

"I do," he insisted. "Jacqueline is just… well… we just have sex with each other."

"Oh, my _God_," I groaned, covering my eyes.

"Look, she was upset when she paged me because she's been having problems with her boyfriend. I wanted to be there for her."

"You mean you wanted to be _in_ her," I said with as much venom in my voice as I could muster. Jeff winced.

"I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't understand," he said, looking annoyed.

I flung his ID card in his face. "_You're right_, I don't! And I don't want to_ see_ you ever _again_!"

I heard Jacqueline mutter something awful as I stormed out the door. I slammed it as hard as I could before flying down the stairwell. The doorman stared at me as I broke into a run as soon as I got to the bottom and ran to my car. I fumbled my keys into the ignition and set off towards my parents' house.

**28**

"Why did he do it?" I asked Sharon, who was rubbing my back comfortingly. I could fell tears seeping from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

"I don't know, honey," she said softly.

"I mean, I really thought we _had _something together, you know?" I wiped at my face hard to stop the tears. "I thought I _meant _something to him."

I looked to Sharon for help and realized that there wasn't much she could do for me. After all, this was the first time she was even hearing of Jeff, so how could she know anything about him? I felt like an idiot.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "You should go back to bed."

"Mary Anne… I want to help you."

"_No_," I said a little more forcefully. "I need to deal with this on my own. This is _my_ problem and I'm sorry I dragged you into it."

"You're right," she said. I widened my eyes in surprise. "But, you shouldn't deal with this alone. Not tonight."

"I'm not going to _do _anything," I murmured, feeling my resistance against her crumbling just as fast as I had put it up.

"Oh, I know that." She smiled at me and moved her hand up to stroke my hair. "You know, we could go get some pancakes."

I laughed. "Where?"

"There's a Denny's in town. Dawn and I go there sometimes when she visits."

"I didn't know that."

Sharon stood up and helped me to my feet. "Well, that's because it was a mother-daughter kind of secret." She must've seen the embarrassment and jealousy in my face. "And, you know, _you're_ my daughter, too. So, why don't we head out and see if we can't get some pancakes while we try to figure this thing out?"

I smiled. "That sounds good."

Sharon suddenly wrapped her arms around me. "I do love just as much as if you were my own child," she whispered. My lip trembled and I had to fight back a fresh wave of tears. "I should've told you years ago."

When she pulled back I smiled weakly. "Thanks, Sharon."

"You're welcome, Mary Anne."

With that, we got dressed, got into the car, and drove off in search of pancakes to numb the pain of Jeff's infidelity.


	29. Have a Little Faith in Me

**Chapter 29: Have a Little Faith in Me**

**Abby**

_March 15_

_It's been unseasonably cold the past few days, which is so typical of the world trying its best to make me miserable. I came home for spring break instead of going on a cruise or someplace warm and wonderful. I guess I came home because Mom wants me to become better friends with Coach Allen. I normally would've said "no way!" but I wanted to show her that I'm not being immature about this whole dating thing between the two of them._

"Abby?"

I had been lying on my stomach in my bed, looking through a stack of old magazines that had been lying around the house. It was fun to see how celebrities looked years ago and, even better, the kinds of clothes that were the highlight of fashion back in the 90's. I looked up from my reading to call back to my mother.

"Yeah, Mom?"

"I'm going to run to the grocery store."

I sighed and rolled off my bed. I didn't much feel like shouting across the whole house since I knew she was going to make a conversation out of this instead of just leaving the house. She usually doesn't yell to tell anyone she's leaving- she just leaves. I climbed down the stairs and groaned.

"It's still snowing?"

Mom was tugging on her mittens. "Yeah. The weatherman said that we're in for at least another 6 to 12 inches before morning."

"It's March!"

"Don't blame me, Abby," Mom said with a grin. "Blame the weatherman."

I shook my fist. "_Damn you_, weatherman!"

"OK, I'm leaving." Mom looked down at herself. "I might not be able to get into the car with all of this padding, but I'm going to try."

"You'll look like one of those clown cars when you get out," I said. She laughed dryly.

"Thank you, Abby." She gestured towards the living room. "Bob's over. Can you keep him company until I return?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, sure." I wanted to whine about how weird I felt around him, but I decided to save that for when he wasn't in the next room. "Are you going to be gone long?"

"I shouldn't be," she said. "I just want to pick up some bread and milk and things like that before we're really snowed in. Tomorrow's Friday, so if things are bad enough, I'm just going to call in to work to tell them I'm not coming in. Besides, we don't have any food in this place since I haven't had time to shop in the past two weeks and have been living off of fast food and restaurants."

"Good call."  
"Anyways, go in there and keep Bob company, all right?" I rolled my eyes. "You two should really get to know one another. Besides, I'm going to rent some movies while I'm out so that we can have something to do instead of just channel surfing."

I smiled and handed her purse to her. "Hurry back? It looks kind of nasty out there."

Mom leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I won't be out for more than a half hour, Abby. It'll be all right." She turned to the living. "I'll be back soon, honey!"

"I'll keep the couch warm!" Bob called back.

I moaned softly and Mom patted my head. As soon as her car left the driveway, I turned back towards the living room. I might as well get some of this bonding stuff out of the way. When I walked into the living room, I saw Bob lying on the couch, flipping through the channels. When he noticed me, he smiled.

"Come on in, Abby." He started to move so that I could have some room on the couch, but I sunk down into my father's old armchair. Bob made a good effort of pretending that it didn't bother him, but I knew it did. I felt bad for a moment. "Anything you want to watch?"

"Not really. I was just reading some magazines upstairs." I shrugged. "I'm kind of tired."

"Well, then, we'll just have to watch something that will keep you from being so tired." He flipped to channel 53 just in time for us to watch a car burst into flames. I felt my stomach twist. Bob noticed immediately and changed the channel. "I'm sorry, Abby. I forgot."

I sighed and shook my head. "It's not your fault. You didn't know."

"Yes, I did," he said, still looking embarrassed. "Your mother told me what happened to your father. I'm really sorry."

"Coach?"

"Yes, Abby?"

I cleared my throat. "It's been really weird having you here."

"I know what you mean," he said. I narrowed my eyes. He had no idea how I felt! "When I was a kid, my mother died of cancer. Years later, once my father had started to heal from losing her, he started dating. I hated every single woman he brought home."

"I don't hate you, Coach."

"Call me Bob, Abby. We're not in school." I smiled. "Anyways, I was never all right with any woman he dated until he brought home Judy. She was the kindest, most compassionate woman I had ever met, besides my mother. I wanted to hate her because I knew my father was replacing my mother, but I couldn't. It was like she understood how hard it was for me to watch my father date women other than my mother."

"What happened?" I asked.

"They got married," Bob said with a smile. "They were so in love with one another and since she got along with us kids so well, they decided to make it permanent."

I shook my head. "So… you do understand."

"I do and I don't blame you for resenting me."

"I'm getting over it."

"You shouldn't," he said and I narrowed my eyes in confusion. "You should feel a little bit hurt that I'm dating your mother. You loved your father and this feels like it's betraying him, doesn't it?"

I sighed. "Can we talk about something else?"

Bob smiled. "Of course, Abby. Want to watch some _Shark Week_ reruns?"

"My _God_, man!" I exclaimed. "You have _Shark Week_ on video?"

"Nope," he said and got up to walk over to the hallway table. He opened the book bag resting on it and pulled out a box. He dropped it in my lap as he returned to the couch. It was all of _Shark Week_ in a DVD set. I stared at Bob in reverence.

"Wow."

"You're the first woman to compliment my taste in TV shows."

"Other women must stupid because… I mean, wow."

"Pop it in, Abby."

I got up and set up the DVD player before sliding the first disc into the machine. Then I raced back to my dad's old armchair and settled down to watch some serious shark induced trauma.

**29**

Time went by faster than I had realized until I looked at the clock.

"Where's Mom?" I asked suddenly, pausing right in the middle of a shark eating some unfortunate fish. Bob followed my eyes to the clock. "She's been gone for nearly an hour!"

He cleared his throat. "She's probably just shopping around more than she had intended. The kitchen really is food free at the moment."

"Yeah, but she's been gone too long."

I got to my feet and went to the telephone. I'd feel better if I called her cell phone and knew where she was. The phone rang once then stopped. I looked over at Bob.

"It stopped ringing," I said with mounting panic. He got to his feet.

"Abby, I'm sure it's just the-"

That was when the electricity went out. The lights went out and the phone was dead. I let out a terrified shriek when everything went suddenly quiet. I couldn't see a thing.

"Bob?" I asked with an annoying squeak in my voice.

"I'm right here, Abby," he said. There was the noise of someone fumbling around and then a small square of light came on. I jumped. "At least this cell phone has a lantern feature."

I laughed uneasily. Bob looked around the room. "Where do you keep the candles and flashlights?"

"In the basement," I said. He approached me and put his hands on my shoulders. I felt a slight pressure.

"Sit down. I'll go get them."

I nodded wordlessly and he started for the basement. I waited until I heard him down in the basement before clapping my hands over my mouth to keep from screaming.

I could see the snow piling up outside and the only thoughts running through my head were that of the possibility of my mother being in a car accident. The roads had to be slippery and she had been gone so long. What if she had slid off the road and was lying someplace, bleeding to death in her car? Dad had died in a car, so why not Mom? I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and felt myself begin to rock in the chair.

"Abby, I found it!" Bob's voice called from the basement. "There's a lighter in here, too."

Go figure Mom would have a special emergency kit. Ever since Dad had died, she has always made sure that the car was fully stocked with first aid items and that the house was completely stocked as well.

Oh, _God_, what if she was going to die in a car _just like Dad?_

"OK," I called back, my voice shaking. Tears started to prickle in my eyes and I brushed at my face frantically.

I heard Bob's footsteps enter the room and I opened my eyes again. He had a flashlight in one hand and a big cardboard box under his other arm. He smiled at me and I was glad he didn't notice how panicked I felt.

"Why don't you start lighting candles?" he asked, tossing a lighter at me. I nodded and got up to grab a handful of those little round white candles that people put into pumpkins at Halloween.

Avoiding Bob's eyes, I began to light the candles one by one. Bob sifted through the box until he came up with a second lighter and began to do the same. After about ten minutes, the room was well lit with candles and the two battery powered lanterns Mom had put into the box. I rocked back off my heels and sat down heavily.

"Abby?" I heard my former coach asked. At that, I burst into all out crying. Bob was by my side instantly. "What's wrong?"

"_Mom's dead!_" I moaned miserably. Bob put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close against him.

"She's all right," he said softly. I shook my head.

"No, she's _dead_, just like _Dad_!"

Bob was quiet for a moment. "Do you think she died out there because your Dad died in a car accident?"

"_Yes!_" I gasped. "Don't you get it? God has really got something against me! Of course He's going to kill my mother, too!" I felt Bob's hand begin to rub my back and I slumped against him miserably. "Why?"

"Abby, sweetheart, I'm sure she's just fine. She's probably in the store now. I bet they're keeping everyone there so there aren't any accidents."

I continued to sob, not wanting to argue with him. I knew better than he did what was going on. Still, I didn't push him away from me like a tiny part of me wanted to do. It was nice to be held by a man who wasn't interested in a relationship with. After a few minutes, my sobs lessened, even though I was still crying. Bob squeezed my shoulder.

"Are you all right?" he asked gently. I shook my head.

"No."

"Do you have any marshmallows?"

I began to laugh nervously. "What?"

"We should make some s'mores. It'll be fun." He pulled away from me just enough for me to see the smile on his face. "Maybe we can even pilfer a hotdog or two and have a campfire picnic."

I laughed again, this time not as hysterically. "The fireplace works."

"Come on," he quietly and helped me to my feet. "Why don't you round up our provisions and I'll start the fire."

**29**

Amazingly, we did have all of the items needed to make hotdogs and s'mores. There weren't any buns or even bread, so we sliced up our cooked hotdogs and dunked them into the little pile of ketchup on our plates. After a few hotdogs and several s'mores were in my stomach, I began to feel a little calmer and a lot sleepier. Bob nudged me.

"Come on, don't fall asleep! We have to finish that episode of _Shark Week_ we were watching."

I smiled at him. "I'll do my best to stay awake." I turned to look out the window. Very slowly, a pair of headlights was approaching us from down the street. I got up to look out the window. "There's someone driving out there."

Bob got to his feet as well and stood behind me. "They shouldn't be out there now. It's dangerous."

I didn't answer. We watched the car slowly approach the house. It slid every so often on the ice on the road, but never went out of control. My mouth dropped as it started to pull into our driveway.

"_Mom!_" I screamed. I raced towards the front door and jammed my feet into the first pair of shoes I could find. I flung open the door and gasped at the icy chill of the wind. After that first instant, I didn't even feel the wind anymore. I began to run down the driveway and I could hear Bob's boots crunching along behind me. The car stopped about ten feet away from me and I stilled. The door opened and my mother slowly climbed out.

I flung myself into her arms, sobbing once more.

"Abby, honey," she murmured, stroking my hair. "It's all right."

"_I thought you died!_" I cried. "_You almost died!_"

She laughed softly. "No, honey, I'm fine. Nothing happened."

"You're all right," Bob said quietly. My mother pulled away from me to look at him. I noticed tears suddenly brimming in her eyes before she threw herself at him like I had done with her. He started to cry as well. "Thank God."

They held one another until Mom reached out to me. I instantly squeezed myself into a three person hug with them. When I closed my eyes, it almost felt like being hugged between my Mom and Dad again. After a few minutes, I felt myself started to shiver. Mom gave me a nudge.

"Go inside, Abby. You're freezing."

I wanted to stay with them. "But, Mom-"

"Go," she said again. She stared at me as I just stood there. She motioned towards the car. "Why don't you bring in some of the groceries before the milk freezes?"

I laughed. "It can do that."

"Oh, yeah," Mom said. "Besides, if we all take a couple of bags we can get everything in at once and not have to come back out here again."

She knew. She knew somehow that I wanted to do was stick as closely to her as I could. I smiled and opened the passenger seat door and found the seat filled with bags of food. I grabbed a couple bags and began to walk up towards the house again. When I hesitated to go back in, Mom and Bob took the rest of the stuff out of the car and followed me.

Twenty minutes later, we were all back inside, roasting ourselves in front of the fire place and gorging on the food Mom had bought. I noticed Mom and Bob sitting close to one another and the way their eyes lit up every time they glanced at one another. I looked back into the dancing flames in the fireplace which were casting eerie shadows on the walls.

I could be OK with this, I thought. I could be OK with Mom dating again, especially if it was Coach Bob Allen. They weren't perfect together, but Mom and Dad weren't perfect together, either. I guess that all I needed to be sure that I was ready to accept the fact that Mom was ready to date was knowing that the man she was dating honestly seemed to care about us as a family.


	30. Putting My Heart Back Together

**NOTE** This chapter is rated **M** for violence, swearing, and sexual assault. Please read with caution.

**Chapter 30: Putting My Heart Back Together**

**Stacey**

_March 22_

_Spring break! Yay! _

_Actually, I'm just glad to be here at home instead of Yale. Even with the change of clothes and living in a different place this semester, Teddy really made true on his promise to ruin me. Nobody will talk to me and everyone acts like I have the plague. I'd never thought I'd say it, but I'm so glad to be living under my mother's roof again._

The first thing I did when I got back home was unpack everything that I had brought home. I don't really understand _why_ I did it (normally, whenever I travel, no matter how long, I live out of a suitcase), but I did it this time. Maybe I was just getting too sick of school being the most miserable place I've ever been. I guess if I unpacked everything, I'd feel like I was moving back in with my mom again, even if I had to pack up again in two weeks.

I didn't tell my parents about this. I know that they both would be supportive of me, whether or not I was at home or school, but I also know that I was a disappointment to them. They were both so happy when I got into Yale. Whenever I go to Dad's and he has one of his friends over, he brags. He loves telling people how successful I am and what a good student I am and how I'm going to become this huge success in life. He always expected me to help change the world.

I didn't used to mind it. Teddy changed that. Now, I know that every time Dad looks at me, he sees a girl who didn't have the smarts to get out of a bad relationship early. I knew he would never say that, but his eyes did. Of course, he still brags just as much as he always had, but I couldn't help wanting to say that I wasn't a good student or a decent person anymore.

I was hiding behind everyone I knew to protect myself and it was a miserable life to lead.

Mom, on the other hand, doesn't say too much to or about me anymore. Maybe she can sense the shame hanging around me and doesn't want to get mixed up in it either. I don't _blame_ her, of course. If I were her, I wouldn't want to spend too much time with a daughter who attracted horrible boyfriends.

**30**

It was afternoon. I was riding my bike aimlessly up and down the street. I had finished my homework in the first couple of days, so now I had an entire week and a half to devote to nothing. It was kind of good to feel aimless and safe once again. The weather, which my mom had told me had been atrocious earlier in the month with a nasty blizzard, was warm and the faintest hint of springtime was in the air. I had pulled on an oversized gray sweatshirt over a plain red t-shirt and a pair of light, faded blue jeans. I was wearing a pair of gold ballet style flats, which were cute and all right for idle biking, but wouldn't stand a chance if I wanted to get anywhere.

I felt a buzz against my hip and skidded to a halt. I pulled out my cell phone and carefully checked the caller ID. When I saw "**CLAUDIA CELL**" pop up on the display screen, I answered it.

"Hello, Claudia," I said in a bored voice.

"God, I _hate_ that you have that caller ID on your cell phone now," she groaned. "You are so _annoying_ now."

"It's better to be annoying than to be stalked."

"Fair enough," she replied. I could hear things rattling around in the background. "So, I was wondering something."

"And…?"

"Do you want to do something tonight?"

"Time frame?" I countered. I really didn't like having to bike or even drive at night anymore. I hated the scared little girl I had become.

"Well, I was thinking around 7 until whenever your mom decides to kick us out."

"A sleepover?" I asked and giggled. "I haven't been to a sleepover in years."

"Which precisely why I am asking you be our gracious host tonight I'd have it at our house, but we're still having some fall out from Janine's phone call last night. I'm going to invite all the old BSC girls who are in town, too." She paused thoughtfully. "Would that be all right?"

"It would be very all right," I sighed. "That would be really nice. I need to get my mind off of him."

"You're still thinking about him?" Claudia asked as something heavy and metal clanked on what I assumed was a counter in her kitchen. I laughed nervously.

"What are you making?" I asked.

"Stacey, you didn't answer my question."

"_And you didn't answer mine!_" I said shrilly, letting myself succumb to my nerves for a moment. There was a moment of silence. "Sorry, Claudia. It's just… I don't know. I guess I don't really want to talk about it."

"All right," she said, sounding hurt. Not annoyed or angry, but hurt.

"I don't want to talk about it with_ anyone_," I told her softly. "It's really a sore subject. As ironic as that statement was."

"I understand," she said, sounding better. "And, I am trying to make some cookies from scratch."

"What about me?" I asked with a pout. I knew Claudia could tell I was pouting because she laughed.

"Don't worry. I'm making a quarter of a batch with Splenda so that you can have as any many cookies as you want."

"_Sweet._"

We both started giggling which quickly led into full out laughing. It had been a long time since I had really found myself being able to laugh. It was hard to laugh at school with everyone staring at me, thinking that I was this evil bitch who tortured her boyfriend until he was forced to break up with her. And, even if people weren't staring, I didn't have very much to laugh about.

Maybe it was the beautiful, warming weather after a winter of bitter temperatures, but I suddenly felt a lot more uplifted.

"Do you mind if I come over a little early?" she asked once our laughter had settled down.

"Well, I'd need to start trying to get everything ready," I said, sounding a little frantic at her suggestion. "I want to make this a nice slumber party."

"I can help you bake or anything like that," she volunteered. "I promise I won't get in the way." I laughed.

"Well, all right, then. You can come over early." She sighed. "What?"

"I don't want to be at home right now," she confessed.

"Did your dad and your mom have a fight or something?"

"Kind of. It's just this whole Janine fiasco. I wish they would all just grow up about it. Janine needs to take responsibility for what she and Brian did and Dad needs to stop acting like she tried to kill me."

"Yeah," I breathed. "That's rough."

"You don't sound so perky all of a sudden," she noted. I sighed.

"I'm glad Mom's leaving tonight for New York. Meeting with my dad to talk about the whole Teddy thing," I said before she could ask why. "Dad asked her to stay with him and Samantha, and I don't think Samantha was too _keen_ on the idea." I closed my eyes tightly. "God, they must think I'm such a _failure_. I can't even _date_ a normal guy! They must hate it when people bring me up and ask how I'm doing. It's kind of embarrassing saying that your daughter's a scared little girl too afraid of her ex-boyfriend to live in the place… well, where it happened."

"Stace, I think I can safely say that your parents are not disappointed with you," she quietly. I heard the rattling of pots and pans cease. "The one person who is _actually_ disappointed in you is a complete scumbag. The rest of us still think you're awesome."

I sighed. "Do you think I'm over thinking everything?"

"You just answered your own question," Claudia replied. I blinked. "Now, you'd better get your butt moving. I want to see your smiling face at your doorstep in fifteen minutes!"

I laughed aloud. "You are _such_ a freak!"

"All right, crazy," she said. "Just be there when I get there or else I'm bringing some Haldol."

"What's Haldol?" I asked as I hopped off my bike and left it on the front lawn. I let myself in and hurried up stairs. "Where did you get _that_ from?"

"Meh. Doctor shows. My dad's hooked on them," she said. "Anyways, I just know that they always stick the crazy people with a needle full of Haldol and that just quiets them down."

"I might take you up on that offer," I said and dropped the phone as I tried to cram my dirty clothes into the hallway hamper. I snatched it back up. "Can I hang up now? I've_ got_ to clean up my room."

"Yeah, sure, but hurry up," she told me. "Otherwise, I won't tell you which cookies are the Splenda cookies and you shall go the night without cookies."

"You're a coldhearted _bitch_," I gasped.

"And you're winning the Nobel Prize for craziness. Hurry up!" she said and hung up before I could give her an answer. I laughed and hung up, too, trying to decide which things needed a hasty shove into my closet and which things I really did need to actually clean up before having company.

**30**

"_Ew_, Mallory."

Mallory groaned and rolled her eyes. "What _now_, Kristy?"

Kristy prodded at the casserole dish that Mallory had just taken from the fridge and uncovered. It had cheese and lettuce on the top but something brown was lurking underneath. I think we all knew what Kristy was saying "ew" about.

"What _is_ that stuff?" she asked, poking the stuff again and hopping back away from it again. Mary Anne, whose spring break was the same as mine, shoved a bag of tortilla chips into Kristy's hands. Kristy looked down at them and curled her lip. "That is _not_ salsa!"

"It's called taco dip," Claudia said patiently. Kristy looked up at her. "It's really good. Mallory's mom makes it sometimes when I baby-sit for Claire." She opened the tortilla bag that was still in Kristy's hands, scooped out a chip, and dunked into the dip. Mary Anne, Kristy, and I watched carefully as Claudia bit down onto it and grinned. "Fabulously made, as usual."

Kristy looked down at the dish. She took out a chip herself and ate the tiny bit of dip on the end with a cautious face. After chewing a minute, she nodded. "This _does_ appear to be edible."

Jessi flung a dish towel at her. "_God_, Kristy! You're _such_ a freak!"

Kristy dug out a big blob of taco dip and crunched it into her mouth. I thought that would be the end of it. I was wrong. Kristy opened her mouth and proudly displayed the contents of her mouth along with the damning evidence that she was living in a house with way too many children. Jessi groaned.

"That's_ sick_."

"I _like_ this stuff," Kristy said, ignoring the faces Jessi and Mallory were making at one another. "Let's take it upstairs." She paused and looked at Jessi. "Is that all right?"

Jessi nodded. "Just so long as we don't make more than a couple trips."

"Well, there are two bathrooms upstairs," I said. "You shouldn't have to come back down here again tonight, if you don't want to. We can also bring your things up for you, if that would help."

Jessi nodded again. "That would be a big help." She patted at her jeans. She had told us that the only braces she had to wear now were thin ones designed mostly to support her weight as she built her muscle tone back up again. "These aren't very awkward, but climbing stairs is still a little hard."

After some discussion about who was carrying what, we set off upstairs. Before we did, Kristy tried to insist that since she was pregnant she was already carrying a whole other person- she got to carry up the taco dip. The rest of us lugged up the overnight bags, sleeping bags, and all of the other food we were taking upstairs with us.

During high school, Mom and Dad agreed to let me redecorate my bedroom. Instead of the pink hued bedroom with posters of cute boys everywhere, my bedroom was painted all white with one wall a bright red. I had hung up a few posters of my favorite movies along the white walls, but the red wall was my special, favorite part of my bedroom. It was even better than the plush, queen sized bed with the brass headboard and piles of thick, squishy bedding and pillows.

On my red wall, I hung representations of the most important things in my life. Since I made the wall while Claudia and I were still best friends, she helped out a lot. In the center of the wall was a family picture of Mom, Dad, and me. I had it developed in black and white, blown up to the size of a small poster, and framed in a black frame. It cost a lot more than we had expected, so Mom and Dad nixed any further payments of decorations after that.

On one corner of the wall, going from top to bottom, was a row of my best friends. I even included my old friends from New York at the very top (the first photograph is from kindergarten) and down to a couple of my old friends from high school that I didn't see much of anymore.

My friends from the BSC, ordered from top to bottom based on when I met them, were on the opposite wall. I had even included pictures of Logan and Shannon since they were still a part of the club. I had left a space in the middle of the framed 5x8 pictures. I framed an old BSC ad, from the very early days, and hung it that space.

The rest of the red wall was very nostalgic as well. Claudia had helped with most of it, even when we kind of drifted apart. I'd tell her I had a red wall crisis and she'd come to fix it for me. It was nice that even though we thought we were too busy for one another, we could agree that the red wall was more important than a lot of silly excuses.

A copy of my learner's permit, two old corsages from the Junior and Senior proms, my graduation gown and cap, my acceptance letter into Yale, as well as numerous pictures of important days or just pictures that made everyone in them look good were hung up neatly on my favorite wall.

Anyways, we then made the plans for how everyone would sleep. Jessi was sleeping up in my bed and Kristy was sleeping on my wonderfully amazing air mattress. We figured that they should be the most comfortable. Claudia, Mary Anne, Mallory, and I dragged up some musty old mattresses from the basement (from my old bed, my mom's old bed, and a couple spare ones we had purchased at a garage when I began hosting a lot of sleepovers at our house), and set to work making those, along with Kristy's air mattress, up with sheets, blankets, and pillows. It was a tight squeeze, especially with making sure there was a safe path in and out of the room so that people who had to get up in the night wouldn't fall over and die in the process.

There was a knock on the door as Kristy settled herself onto my bed, taco dip and bowl of tortilla chips firmly in her lap. Jessi and Mallory, already taco dip addicts thanks to good old Mrs. Pike, sat beside her. Mary Anne and Claudia contented themselves on the air mattress with a small bowl of each and a spoon to scoop out more dip. I straightened up from dropping the last of the pillows with fresh pillowcases on them onto Claudia's mattress. I looked at my friends.

"I'll get that," I said. Kristy, Jessi, and Mallory didn't look up from their feasting. Mary Anne smiled at me and Claudia nodded. I felt a surge of love for my so easily distracted friends. "Save some for me, you hyenas."

I heard Kristy growl as I left the room and heard the rest of the girls burst into silly laughter. I hurried down the stairs as more pounding rained down on our door.

"_Coming_!" I called and the knocking stopped. "I'm coming."

I opened the door, expecting to see one of Mallory's little brothers or sisters at the door with more provisions from the Pike kitchen. Maybe even Mom, who decided at the last minute not to go to New York. Who I did not expect to see was Theodore Thomas staring down at me.

I gasped and tried to shut the door again, but he expertly wedged his foot between the door and the frame then pushed it back again. I wasn't strong enough to stop him, so I let go of the door and took a couple of quick steps backwards. My legs were turning to jelly beneath me.

"How…? I don't know _how_…?"

He smiled. "I've got my ways." He leaned in like he was going to tell me a secret and I flinched away. "Your mom's house is still listed in the white pages."

I let out a low moan as he shut the door quietly behind him. He put his hands in his pockets. I wanted to scream and run away, but all I could do was to stare up at him like I had been turned into stone.

"I wasn't happy with how we left things," he said warmly. "And, _yes_, some of that blame _does_ fall on _me_. But, let's not worry about those things anymore. I want you, Anastasia, and I want to be with you. What is that going to take?"

"_Leave_," I whispered. "Please. Just leave."

"Honey, I didn't drive all this way to hear you tell me to leave." He leaned closer and I felt my shoulder blades press against a wall. I could feel my lower lip trembling. "Are you trying to make me upset again?"

"No," I whimpered. _So much for being a brave, independent woman._ "I don't want to make you mad. I'm sorry."

"Good." He looked so self-satisfied.

"But, please. Can you leave?" I flinched when he reached out to touch my freshly washed and curled hair. "_Don't be mad_."

He stared at me for a long moment before twisting his fist so that his hand tugged hard on my hair. I let out a yelp of pain and panic before he clapped his hand over my mouth. I felt tears start to stream down from my eyes. His beautiful eyes looked deeply into mine and I remembered why I had first been attracted to him, but the pain in my scalp reminded me why I couldn't even be attracted to him again.

"_Shh_, honey," he whispered, leaning down to say it into my ear. My whole body was trembling. "You've made me mad. You always _do_ that, don't you?" He laughed softly. "Why do you keep doing that?"

I shook my head desperately and his hand wrenched my head back against the wall. I squeezed my eyes shut but moments after I did, a sharp slap struck my cheek. I tried to cry out again, but his hand blocked my voice.

"Listen now," Teddy whispered in a low, dangerous voice. "You are going to shut up and do what I _tell_ you to do. First thing, you're going to apologize to me for acting like such a little bitch this whole time."

I whimpered as he tilted my head further back so that my neck was more exposed. I felt like the mouse that the cat was playing with before it intended on killing the mouse. My knees gave out suddenly and I screamed into Teddy's hand as the hair wrapped around his other hand held me up. He rolled his eyes in disgust and hoisted me back up and pressed me firmly against the wall. I blinked back the fresh wave of tears that the pain of the drop had brought on.

"I'll take you back, of course, but you're going to be the best little girlfriend you can be." I nodded weakly. How could I say no? "If you're anything but, I will make sure that you really know what being punished by Theodore Thomas is like."

I closed my eyes as his hand crept up under my shirt and began to caress my ribs and stomach. I snapped my eyes open when his hand rested on the top of my jeans and pulled them away from my hips. _Why_ had I worn my loose jeans? Why, why, _why_?

His hand slipped under my jeans and pressed hard against my underwear. I let out a whimper as his fingers began to move and massage my body. I felt my hips suddenly arch against his touch and realized with horror that my breath was starting to come in tiny gasps. He pushed his body roughly against mine, trapping me between him and the wall. He breathed into my ear and I squeezed my eyes shut again.

"You feel really good," he whispered. I cried out as one of his fingers moved my underwear aside and plunged inside me. I shook my head.

"_Stop, please!_" I whispered. His only response was to plunge two more fingers inside me. I cried out louder this time and my mouth was captured by his. As he plunged his fingers in and let his nails scrape as they pulled out, I could feel myself panting for release. I tried to twist away, but a sudden sharp jab of his fingers made tears begin to course down my face in pain. "You're _hurting_ me."

"You'll like what I _really_ have in mind for you," he whispered into my ear, speeding up his tempo and thrusting in more deeply and painfully. I leaned my head back against the wall, whimpering because I was too scared to cry. He twisted my hair so that my head was facing the ground. "See?"

I began to sob when he forced me to look down at what he was doing. In that one humiliating moment, I heard something that I hadn't expected to hear.

"Take your hands _off of her_, you piece of _shit_," Mary Anne practically growled. Teddy turned his head to look at her. I tried to push his hand away from me so that Mary Anne wouldn't see what he had been doing.

"One of your little _slut_ friends?" he asked with a laugh. "God really made this town full of _cheap bitches_."

"Get _off_ her," Mary Anne repeated. I could feel my legs shaking again. What was she doing? _Teddy would_ _kill her!_ I wanted to scream at her to run away, but my mouth wouldn't move. "I mean it."

"What are you going to _do_?" he asked with a smirk. His hand pulled away from my body and I almost sighed with my relief.

Mary Anne mimicked his smirk. "_I_ won't do anything to you."

Teddy glanced at me. "Wow, some _friends_ you've got there."

"But _Claudia_ will," Mary Anne said.

Teddy turned around, dragging me by the clump of my hair with him. I was at his side, now that he had turned, and got to witness exactly what Claudia was going to do.

Taking him completely by surprise, Claudia stomped her feet down onto his foot with her entire weight. She actually hopped a little to make the landing even harder. Teddy let out a gasp of rage and pain. I mouthed wordlessly at her, terrified that he was going to lash out at one of my beloved friends. _They didn't deserve that!_

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I heard a crunch and Teddy really did scream in pain this time. I felt his hand loosen its grip on my hair and felt arms tug me violently away from Teddy. A short distance away, I realized that he was clutching at his crotch in agony. My mouth dropped open.

"And, this," Mallory said, stepping out from her space slightly next to but a little behind Claudia, "is for being the biggest bastard that we've_ ever_ met. How _dare_ you think you could put your hands on her _when she said no!_"

I cried out, too, as Mallory's tiny fist connected with Teddy's nose. I heard something crunch and saw Teddy fall to the ground. He was only still for a moment before he tried to reach out and grab at Mallory's ankles. She stumbled back and one of Teddy's hands was pined under a ratty old sneaker. _Kristy_.

"I've had just about _enough_ of your kind of guys," she said quietly. The rest of us fell silent, except for a low, keening noise. "I wish I could kick your face in or bash your head with a baseball bat, but there's no need for _me _to go to jail on account of _your _sorry ass." She paused as she saw his other hand start to move. "Do it and I _swear_ I will stomp on you until I make sure I break _everything_ in your body."

Teddy must not have believed she'd do it or was too convinced of his own strength because he lashed his other hand out at her. Kristy made true to her word and stomped down onto his pinned hand with everything she had. Teddy screamed more loudly than before, started to push himself up then collapsed. We all stared down at him, each of us breathing heavily.

"I think he's out cold," Jessi said quietly. I suddenly realized that I was making the keening sound. I felt Mary Anne's arms wrap around me from behind and felt Jessi wrap her arms around my other side.

"_He's going to wake up_," I whimpered. "_He's going to be so mad!_"

"Well, he won't be mad in here," Mallory said looking out the window. Moments later a loud banging announced a new visitor. Mallory opened it quickly and a police officer stepped into the house and instantly did a double take on Teddy's still body.

"What the hell _happened_?" he asked.

"He tried to hurt our friend," Kristy said plainly. The police officer stared at her then glanced over his shoulder.

"Bring in the gurney," he told the police officer behind him. "These girls knocked the son of a bitch _out cold_."

**30**

I didn't stop crying for what seemed like days. It was only a few hours, but it felt like so much longer. When I finally did come out of the haze, I found myself in the middle of a pile of my friends, in fresh pajamas and damp hair. I glanced at the clock (almost midnight) then back down at my friends.

Mary Anne and Claudia were tightly pressed against me on both sides. Kristy was lying beside Mary Anne, her hand stretched over her body to rest lightly on my arm. Jessi, who was against the wall and beside Claudia, was in a similar position. I tried to sit up and felt Claudia squeeze my hand.

"Mallory is down there, giving her statement to the police." She smiled at my baffled expression. "They decided to take interview at the house since nobody but Teddy was hurt." She studied me, her eyes suddenly saddened. "And, you."

I suddenly felt awareness of what had happened sink in. I felt an uneasy, unstable ache down between my legs and whimpered for what seemed like the millionth time that night.

"It was _so_ humiliating," I whispered softly. I cast my eyes down and away from Claudia. "It _hurt_."

"We gave you a bath," Claudia said softly. "You keep going on and on about how filthy you were, so after the police took a couple of photos, we got you back upstairs and put you in the bathroom. But, you didn't move at all after we got you in there, so Mary Anne and I undressed you and got you into the bathtub. Do you want to hear this?"

I nodded blankly.

"We washed you with almost a whole bar of soap because you just kept crying about how dirty you were. We even washed your hair a few times and when you finally calmed down, we got you dried and dressed. Then we put you to bed. Since everyone was worried about you, we all got into bed with you."

"Thank you."

Claudia cleared her throat and looked a bit more distant. "They only have to interview you and Kristy now, but they said you can take some time to rest while they finished the rest of us up first." I smiled.

"Thanks," I whispered. Claudia leaned close to my face and planted a little kiss on my cheek. I could feel the tears begin to flow down my cheeks again. I was turning into a pre-high school Mary Anne! "Thank you so much."

"You're my best friend."

I woke up the other girls when I started to weep again. Kristy sat up and looked around.

"What_ is_ it?"

"You're _still_ my best friend?" I asked with a sob. Mary Anne hugged me closely to her while Claudia tried to soothe me by smoothing my hair. "Even after _tonight_?"

"_Especially_ after tonight. I can't believe I ever let us _not_ be best friends."

I was too choked up to thank her again, so I just slumped back down with my tears and my friends and let them help me heal just a little bit before I'd have to go confront what had happened.

I realized, though, that these were the only people who loved me enough to risk themselves to protect me. That said a lot to me, especially about what that would mean to me in the future.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

I want to apologize if this brought anyone painful memories. This was, no doubt, difficult for many of you to read and I hope that this won't keep you from continuing to read. This chapter was hard for me to write, so I hope that my readers are willing to stay with me on this.

I do, however, think that sexual abuse and assault are topics that are usually not covered on this website, save in hurt/comfort stories. Stacey's ordeal, from the experience I have had, is not unheard of in situations of domestic (including dating couples) abuse.

As always, if you are in danger or suspect anyone else to be in danger, please contact you local helpline and do everything in your power to _**safely**_ leave the relationship. You do not deserve to be abused, no matter what your abuser may say to make you think you are. You have just as much right as anyone to a safe, healthy relationship.

Thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing. I don't get a chance to reply to a lot of reviews, but I wanted to let you know that I am reading each and every one of them and am taking what you say into account. Again, thank you!


	31. There's Always Some Reason

**Chapter 31: Always Some Reason**

**Mallory**

_March 29_

_I'll say it again, even though I've mentioned it before- I am really uneasy about Jessi being here at school. I know she helped to kick Stacey's evil ex-boyfriend's butt… I suppose that ought to show how strong she is now, but I don't know. I hated the things that I heard being said about her (and me) and I hate knowing that she might hear some of those things. I want to protect her, but I wish I knew how…_

"I'll come over and pick you up?" I asked into the phone. I heard Jessi pause for a moment.

"Nannie was going to take us to school today," she said hesitantly.

"I know, but I don't mind."

"All right," Jessi said with a small sigh. "You'd better hurry up, though, otherwise we're going to be late to school."

"I'm out the door as soon as I put down this phone," I reassured her.

When I did get off the phone, Vanessa tapped me on my shoulder. "You're taking us to school, remember?"

I gasped. "Oh, God! How did I _forget_ that? Do you think they triplets can be normal for once?"

Vanessa and I turned to hear the boys stampede down the stairs.

"MOM!" Adam shouted at the top of his lungs. "Where's Mallory?"

Vanessa shook her head. "We're up here, you losers! You ran right past us!"

"Get down here!" Jordan called. "You're going to make us late!"

Vanessa tugged on my sleeve. "Just don't mention we're picking up Jessi and Becca?"

I groaned and followed her down the stairs. I wondered if it was legal to cram three fifteen year old boys into the trunk of an old station wagon. I really hoped it was, otherwise I might need to kill off some of my annoying siblings.

**31**

I helped Jessi out of the car as the triplets ran past us and into the building. The first bell rang and Jessi moaned.

"We're late," she said needlessly. I nodded.

"That's all right. We won't get into any trouble."

"Mal, I don't know about you, but I really don't want to miss anymore school for the rest of this year." She studied me for a moment. "I've already missed _way_ too much."

"That wasn't you fault," I reminded her. I reached around in the trunk and pulled out an umbrella. "Here. It's still raining."

Jessi opened her mouth like she wanted to say something but ended up shrugging as I handed her the umbrella. I could tell that something was on her mind, but I could also tell that it wasn't something I would enjoy listening to. Instead of asking her what was wrong, I followed along beside her as we entered the high school. I almost pointed out how well she was moving around now, but I knew she wouldn't appreciate that after I had made her late to school. Again.

We signed ourselves in and waited for the bell to end homeroom to ring before heading off to our first class of the day, which we actually had together. Honors American History.

We were the first two in the classroom and Mr. Peters smiled at us when we entered. Jessi nodded her head to acknowledge him and took a seat in the back. I hated sitting in the back, but I followed her. I grinned extra wide at Mr. Peters to make up for Jessi's lack of enthusiasm.

The bell rang a second time and Mr. Peters got to his feet.

"Good morning, people," he said. "It's a drizzly Monday morning and I know how _thrilled_ all of you are to be here."

I grinned but quickly sunk down in my seat in embarrassment when the rest of the class groaned. Jessi rolled her eyes at me, glanced at the clock then settled down onto her desk so that her arms were resting on the table with her chin on top. She had become the epitome of a tired, bored, lackluster student. I sat up a little straighter to make up for it.

"Did everyone bring their books today?" Mr. Peters asked. I saw a few kids start to fumble around in their back packs. I had already taken mine out and had arranged my desk perfectly with a spiral notebook and some pens. I had even tossed in a highlighter for good measure. "So, what did everyone think of the chapter we read over the weekend?"

Every single kid in the room dropped their eyes to avoid looking at Mr. Peters. Nobody wanted to be the first person to discuss history at this unholy hour. I was tempted to raise my hand, but one glance at Jessi's mortified face told me to drop my eyes to the floor, too. Mr. Peters laughed.

"You guys do know that even if you can't see me, I can still see you, right?" A couple kids smirked, but nobody looked up. "I mean, I do applaud your efforts. I really do." He looked around the room and selected his first victim of the day. "Josh? What do you think?"

"What?" he asked and the rest of the class broke into laughter. Mr. Peters tilted his head good naturedly.

"Come on, Josh." Mr. Peters flipped open his own book and sat down on the edge of his desk at the front of the room. I learned forward a little bit. I loved discussions. "What do you think of the Emancipation Act?"

Josh shrugged. "Well, of course it was a good thing. I mean, it freed the slaves, right?"

I glanced at Jessi. She appeared completely unaffected which was either a very good thing or a very bad thing. I focused back on Mr. Peters.

"_Why_ do you think Lincoln issued this Act?"

Michelle Labrinski raised her hand. "Lincoln wanted for everyone to be free, right?" Mr. Peters didn't answer her. "He made the act so that all the slaves would be free and have the opportunity to have a good life."

"No, he _didn't_," Jessi said quietly. The entire class, including Mr. Peters, turned to stare at her. She was, after all, the only black student in class. Jessi straightened up in her seat. "Lincoln didn't issue that Act because he felt that the slaves ought to have an equal existence to white people."

"Why _did_ he do it?" Andrew Spering asked. "Why bother _do_ something if it's not something you believe in?"

"Oh, he _did_ believe in it," Jessi said calmly. "But, not like you guys think."

"Lincoln was a _good guy_, remember?" Jessica Miller said. Jessi shrugged.

"He issued that act as a way to undermine the Rebel Confederacy."

"What are you talking about?" Andrew snapped. "You don't know, do you?"

I jumped when Jessi slammed her hand onto her desk.

"I know what he did better than _any of you_!" she said, suddenly angry. Everyone stilled. "He freed the slaves so that he could hurt the enemy. Read any biography of Lincoln. He never thought the slaves, black people, were equal to him or other white people. He didn't think they ought to be allowed to live alongside white people like everyone was the same." She looked around the silent room. "He freed the slaves as a way to_ hurt_ the Confederacy. And, the slaves were so uneducated they raised Lincoln to the level of a saint."

"What he did _was_ good," April James said uncertainly. Jessi nodded.

"It was," she said quietly. "I'm not saying he was a bad guy. I'm just saying that people need to look into this Act as Lincoln did instead of just romanticizing it and making it this big, heroic act."

Mr. Peters startled everyone when he began to clap. Jessi blushed and slumped back into her chair.

"Looks like Miss Ramsey has been doing some _outside_ reading," he said. Jessi looked down at her desk.

"Is what she said true?" April asked. She looked worried and upset.

Mr. Peters studied our class. "You know, let's hold a seminar next class." Everyone groaned. Seminars usually ended in arguing and bad feelings. "I want everyone to research this topic and when we meet, we'll all work on trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't." He shrugged. "Maybe we'll even delve into different perspectives as well."

When class ended more uneventfully than it had begun, I jumped to my feet and stared at Jessi.

"Where did all of that come from?" I asked. She stared at me, but made no effort to get up.

"I've had a lot of time on my hands," she said simply.

I nodded. "Do you want me to walk you to your next class?"

Jessi got to her feet. "Mallory, you don't need to baby-sit me. I'm a big girl."

I stared after her as she left the room. I couldn't believe it. After all this time, after agreeing to work things out, Jessi was once again shutting me out. I didn't realize Mr. Peters was watching us until he softly called my name. I turned to look at him.

"Come up here," he said gently.

I did. "What's wrong with her?"

"Mallory, you know that this is hard for her. She's changing her whole identity now. Before, she had her parents to guide her. Now, she has to try and do this all on her own."

"But, I _want _to _help_ her!" I protested. Mr. Peters patted my shoulder.

"I know you do. She does, too." I shook my head. I didn't get it. "Just give her some time. She has to figure out who she is again."

The bell rang and I looked around in alarm. "I'm late!"

"Don't worry," Mr. Peters said and started to write out an excuse. "Here. I gave you a couple extra minutes on it in case you want to use the bathroom."

I nodded gratefully. "Thank you."

**31**

I didn't see Jessi again until lunchtime. I hadn't caught up to her quite yet before Cokie Mason stepped deliberately in front of her path. I saw Jessi come to a stop and I did, too.

"Jessi, right?" Cokie asked. I could almost hear the confused wheels turning in Jessi's head. Of course Cokie knew who Jessi was. "What have you been up to?"

Jessi sighed. "Cokie, move. I just want to eat my lunch in piece."

Cokie held up her hands. "Geez, just wanted to see how you were!"

"I'm fine," Jessi mumbled as she passed Cokie. I trotted to catch up. I could see Jessi entering the cafeteria and was right next to Cokie when she spoke again.

"It's got to be rough to be the sole representative of black people here in Stoneybrook." Jessi froze. I could see her shoulders tightening with anger. "I'd be pretty pissed off in my classes, too, if I had to represent an entire race."

"Cokie," I said, my voice uneven. Cokie turned to look at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Not going to go _crazy_ on me, are you Pike?" she asked. I felt my self control crumble.

"_Shut up!_" I shouted. The people near us fell silent and turned to look at us. I saw Jessi turn to look, too, out of the corner of my eye. "What the hell is your problem, Cokie? Don't you have anything _better _to do than to make everyone miserable?"

She rolled her eyes. "And don't you have anything better to do that to butt _in _everyone's business?"

"Mal," Jessi said softly. I could hear her asking me to back down. I ignored it.

"You know, I think you're just angry that you didn't graduate," I snapped. Cokie's jaw tensed. "Maybe if you focused a little more on _learning_ instead of being a _bitch_, you'd be gone by now."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Cokie said, her voice shaky. "You have no idea why I didn't graduate last year."

"And you have no idea what Jessi is going through, either!" I leaned closer, suddenly feeling cocky and arrogant. "Besides, I _do_ know. I have my connections and if you don't shut up and leave us alone, I'll make sure everyone else knows what I do."

Cokie stared at me with disgusted horror on her face. After a few seconds, she shook her head and looked away.

"Fine. Get away from me."

Elated with adrenaline, I hurried over to Jessi. "Want to eat?"

She shook her head. "No, Mal. I'm not hungry anymore."

I watched her leave and felt my face flush with embarrassment once again. I hurried after her, but didn't follow her into the nurse's office, where I was sure she would be going to lay down for a while. Instead, I went into the girls' bathroom and huddled in one of the stalls until the bell signifying that lunch was over rang.

**31**

I pulled our old station wagon into the driveway and waited for the rest of the kids to fight and push their way out of the car and back into the house. Instead of restarting the car to drive Jessi back home, I took the keys out of the ignition and sat in the driver's seat, my head swirling with thoughts. Jessi glanced at me from the passenger seat.

"Aren't you taking me home?" she asked.

"No."

Jessi sighed. "Mal, I'm _really not_ in the mood to play around, all right? I'm tired and my legs are killing me."

"I thought that we were _past_ this!" I said strongly. Jessi sighed and shook her head.

"Why did you do that?" She asked. "Why did you sink down to Cokie's level?"

"I wanted to help you!"

She stared at me. "You really think I'm a cripple, don't you?"

I clicked my tongue impatiently and looked out the window. The rain was still pouring down in buckets. "You know that's not true. You walk fine."

"No, I don't mean physically. Mallory, look at me." Startled by the force in her voice, I did what she told me to do. "You think I can't handle these things because of the accident. You think I'm so broken and pathetic that I can't handle a little bit of Cokie's brand of taunting."

"Jessi, that's not-"

She smiled sadly. "I would've thought you'd know me better by now. You should know that Cokie wasn't going to get to me."

"I'm not a physic," I sullenly replied.

"And, I can handle my own problems."

I looked away quickly. "So, you don't want me to butt in. Fine, I _won't_."

I felt her hand on my arm and jerked it away from her.

"Mallory, please. You're just making this harder than it has to be."

I turned to stare at her with eyes brimming with tears. "I don't know _how_ hard this is _supposed_ to be. I don't know what I'm _supposed_ to do anymore." I wiped away a few tears that had slipped down my cheeks. "I don't know _how_ to help you and I don't know _how _to be your friend anymore. I just feel so lost about all of this."

Jessi unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted across the seat towards me. I let out a small sob and leaned my head onto her shoulder. Jessi sighed sadly before wrapping both arms around me.

"I don't know either," she whispered. "If I knew exactly what you needed to do, I'd tell you, but it's like a moment by moment, case by case kind of thing."

"I'm never going to be a good friend again, am I?" I asked softly. She snuggled in more closely against me.

"Mallory, you've been an _amazing_ friend," she said and I laughed a little. "You've been the only one of my friends to be there the whole time and stick this whole horrible thing out with me."

"Everyone else had college or school-"

"So did you, Mallory," she said quickly. "I'm not saying that it was good for you to miss so much school, but you have no idea how important that was for me. I felt like you were the only thing that I had left in my life while I was in the hospital."

"Really?" I asked softly.

"_Really_," she confirmed. She moved away a little and I brought my face up to look at her. "I'm sorry that I had to tell you to back down a little, because I love everything you've done to help me, but I think I need to start functioning the way I did before the accident. I can't have you always protecting and defending me."

I giggled. "We could go to Massachusetts and get married. Then I'd have to always be by your side."

She studied me. "I'm not really into redheads. Sorry, Mal."

"That's OK," I laughed. "I'm not really into _girls_."

"So, we're going to be friends again, right?" she asked seriously. I nodded.

"I'd like to."

"Good." She sighed and looked back out the window. "And, I was being honest when I said I was tired and my legs hurt."

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," I said, feeling like an idiot. I restarted the car and cranked up the heater. "I'll get you home."

She glanced over at me suddenly. "Just… just drive carefully, OK?"

"It'll be OK," I reassured her before we set out towards the forever chaotic Brewer-Thomas mansion.


	32. Goodbye My Lover

**Chapter 32: Goodbye My Lover**

**Shannon**

_April 2_

_I don't know where to begin. I feel bitter and cynical now. I thought, so stupidly, that love was something I could understand and that would be good to me. I love him so much and it kills me to see him and force myself not to say a word. For once, I have no idea what I should do. I've always been so sure of myself… he's changed everything around._

I never noticed all the happy couples before Matt and I stopped seeing one another. They're everywhere.

Before Matt, I never noticed all the people who were interested in one another during my classes. Now, I noticed the girl in row three stealing glances at the boy in row one. The boy in row 4 always brushes his hand against the hand of the girl sitting next to him when the professor hands out papers. There are the obvious couples, too, who sit together and almost become a single entity in the classroom. They seem to read one another's mind and everything that's said seems to come from both of them instead of just one.

On campus, it's even more obvious. There are couples making out in places where they think nobody can see them and in places where they know everybody can see them. There are sweet couples who hold hands walking down the paths and there are loud, obnoxious couples who are always having fights with one another in public places.

It doesn't matter anymore what kind of couple I see… I just want to be a crucial part of his life again.

Maybe I wish for too much.

**32**

I live on a predominantly freshmen floor, so the RAs are always planning games and parties in the dorm to help people make friends with one another. Bethany never goes. I used to, but after Matt and I stopped seeing one another, I couldn't bear to go and see him laughing and goofing off with his friends while I was suffering from being apart from him. That Tuesday night, however, I decided to go to mini party the RAs were throwing.

I showed up a little while after I knew the party was getting going. I didn't want to face any awkward silences or, worse, awkward conversation. I figured I could still go and maybe see Matt and say hi to him, but not have to worry about him thinking I was a stalker or anything.

The bass was pounding in end lounge whenever I showed up. There were about 20 kids, all crammed into the little space and all apparently having a great time. I stood at the edge of the party for a while, reluctant to jump right in. I jumped in surprise when something tapped my shoulder.

"Matt?" I asked in surprise when I saw who it was. He smiled.

"I didn't think you'd come," he said. He didn't want me here, I could tell.

"Well, I'm not staying for long," I said coolly. "I just wanted to take a little break from studying."

Matt nodded and looked away from me awkwardly. I sighed and gestured towards the throng of people.

"I've gotta go," I told him. "I see some of my friends over there."

I didn't bother to let him answer. I knew it was going to be some silly, trite answer that would just make me feel even worse than I already did. I slid up near some of the kids I was friendly with on the floor.

"Hey, Shannon!" Krista Montaga said cheerfully. "What brought you out? The music too loud?"

"I can do _other_ things besides study," I retorted good-naturedly. I glanced back in Matt's direction. He was making no effort to hide the fact that he was watching me from where we had been standing on the outskirts of the party. My friend John noticed my gaze.

"Sorry you two aren't seeing each other anymore," he offered.

I shook my head too quickly. "No, it's all right."

"Really?"

I looked at John for a moment. "Really. I think I should consider moving on, you know?"

John blushed and looked down at the floor. "Shannon, can I tell you something?"

"Sure," I said, returning my gaze to Matt again. He was talking to some pretty brunette now. I felt dizzy.

"I've liked you for a long time now and… well, I was wondering…"

I turned my face away from Matt and grabbed the front of John's t-shirt. "You were wondering what?" I asked, trying to make myself sound sultry and seductive.

"If I could take you out sometime?" he asked in a small voice.

"Why wait?" I countered and jerked his t-shirt so that his face was level with mine. "Let's just do it."

I planted my lips firmly on his, knowing full well that I had surprised him. Luckily, instead of pulling away from me, John quickly regained his composure and kissed me back. It was harder and deeper than I liked, but I didn't pull away. In fact, I let John lead me away from the big group of kids. I almost broke away from him when I felt my back press against the wall, but managed to keep up the act. I wondered if Matt noticed what was going on.

I gasped in surprise when John's hand slid up my shirt and started to fumble with my bra. I pushed him back.

"No," I said quietly. He turned bright red.

"Oh, _God_, I'm sorry," he said in a hurry. "Please don't be mad, Shannon. I thought… well, I thought you'd like it."

I glanced away from him to find Matt staring at me with disbelief on his face. I started to push past John to get to Matt, but Matt shook his head fiercely. Frozen to my spot, I watched him storm out of the lounge and knew he had locked himself in his room. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment. John's hand fell on my shoulder and I looked up.

"I'm sorry," he apologized again. "I didn't realize that Matt was watching us. I didn't think he'd get upset."

"It's all right, John." I turned my face away as he leaned down to kiss me again. "I'm kind of tired. I think I might go lie down now."

Looking baffled, John nodded. "I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Thanks," I said absentmindedly as I walked through the party and stopped just outside of Matt's room. I raised my hand to knock on the door then just let it rest quietly on the old wood. I leaned my head against the doorframe and sighed.

I had really, _really_ screwed up this time.

"Who's there?" he called from inside. I jerked back and started to move away when he opened the door. I stood there dumbly, with my mouth hanging open and everything. He eyed me warily. "Is he a friend of yours?"

I shook my head then nodded quickly. "Yes, but… I'm so stupid."

"Big revelation," Matt muttered and I felt stupid, girly tears well in my eyes.

"I'm _sorry_," I whispered. "I saw you with that other girl-"

"Which makes it OK for _you_ to do it to _me_?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest. "And, by the way, the _girl_ you saw? I was telling her to back off because there was this girl I was seeing and we had just cooled things off for a while. I told her we hadn't broken up."

I shook my head. "Then why don't you ever talk to me?"

"Forget it," he said quietly. "You just don't get it."

"Then this is it?" I asked him. "This is really it. We're never going back again?"

Matt shrugged and put his hand on the doorknob. "I honestly don't know anymore. Goodnight, Shannon."

**32**

"Miss Kilbourne?"

I snapped out of my daydream and back into my introduction to psychology course. I felt my cheeks heating up in embarrassment. My professor continued to stare at me until I was forced to admit that I hadn't heard the answer.

"Well, maybe you could be so kind as to pay attention while you're here," she said. I looked down. _How humiliating_. "You're paying an awful lot just to come in here to daydream."

I nodded. "Yes ma'am."

I could hear several of the kids in the class snicker. I tried to ignore it, but it got to me anyways. Everything seemed to be a whole lot worse since last night. Now, the whole world was out to get me and, I could now see, it really was my fault.

The class ended without any further drama and I started to climb out of my seat when my professor called me down to the front of the auditorium. I walked down with a sense of unease churning in my stomach.

"Yes?" I asked timidly.

She stared at me for a moment then gestured for me to take a seat. I did.

"Shannon, you are one of the brightest students I've had, yet your work has been slumping."

I nodded pathetically. "I know. I'll work harder."

"That's not what worries me," she said. "What's going on? You're not yourself anymore. You always pay attention in my classes and you're always one of the first hands to go up when I ask a question."

I shrugged. "Maybe it's spring fever? I haven't been feeling too great with all of this rain."

She stared me until I was forced to drop my eyes in embarrassment. "I want you to know that I want to help you, but I can't help if you won't tell me what's going on."

I looked up suddenly. "I did something stupid." She raised her eyebrows. "I kissed another boy in front of my boyfriend. Except that I thought we had broken up because he never talks to me, but he didn't think we were broken up. I saw the other girl talking to him so I kissed John and now I feel like a moron." I shook my head angrily. "This is _all_ my fault!"

My professor patted my hand. "Matters of the heart are never easy."

Matters of the heart? Was she_ kidding_ me?

"You have to remember that when relationships fail, it's more often than not the 'fault' of both parties. Lack of communication, loss of affection." She studied me. "What happened?"

"I wanted to get married and he didn't."

She smiled gently. "You _are _only 19, right?"

I sighed. "Not now. Sometime in the future."

She nodded. "I'm no expert to give advice on romantic relationships, Shannon. I've been divorced twice. I do know that sometimes you just have to let things go. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and wait for the other person to warm up to an idea."

"But, I _wasn't_ pressuring him!" I protested. "I just_ mentioned _it!"

"Give him some time to breathe now," she recommended. "Start spending more time with your girlfriends and less time worrying about him. If you two are meant to be, then things will work out for you. If not, then you still get to spend time getting to make and know new friends. And, if there's no such thing as fate or divine intervention, you should just do whatever makes you happy without making other people- say, for instance, your ex-boyfriend- miserable."

I nodded. "I guess that makes sense."

She patted my arm. "I'm sorry that you're going through this, Shannon. I really am. But, I can't let you sink into such a funk that your grades suffer. You're too smart and too talented to let that happen."

I stood up. "Thanks."

"Come and talk to me if you need to?"

I nodded. "All right."

**32**

I waited on my bed for Bethany to come back to the room. When she did, I sat up straighter and smiled at her. Bethany glanced around the room nervously before shutting the door behind her.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked.

"Can't I smile at my roommate?"

"You want something," she said coolly. "Well, no offense, but I'm never in a giving mood."

"_Please_, Bethany," I broke down. She stared at me with a look that was a mixture of horror and embarrassment. "Just tell me what to do about Matt!"

She nodded. "Ah, yes. I heard about your little lip lock with that nerd George."

"_John_," I said tightly, already regretting my decision to ask for her advice.

"Whatever," she said and tossed her purse beside her desk. "Did you think that Matt would've liked to watch you practically make out right in front of him?"

"No!" I said. "I just thought that he was seeing someone and I wanted to make him jealous."

"The theory's good but the reality sucks." She sat down on her own bed and looked thoughtful. "It's really hard to draw the line between making him want to rush over and take you back and wanting to kill you and bury you in the woods somewhere."

"_Oh, God_," I moaned.

"No, listen," she said. "That's why the whole playing the jealousy game thing is stupid. You can't ever be sure where to draw the line because everyone changes so much, so quickly that it's impossible to predict anything."

"Well, is there anything I can do now?" I asked quietly. "He just thought that we were on a break. I ruined it."

Bethany gave me the first warm look since we had become roommates. "You didn't ruin it, Shannon. If he drops out of school and changes his name so that you can't find him, you've ruined it. You just have to work extra hard to win him back now."

"How?" I asked helplessly. "I've never _done_ this before. He's the first real boyfriend I've ever had!"

"Well, for starters, stop being so clingy," she said. "You're not _his_ first girlfriend and that kind of talk is creepy even for me."

"It's true," I muttered feeling ashamed.

"Well, stop dwelling on it, OK?" She sighed. "It's not that bad, Shannon. I'll help you if you want me to."

I looked at her carefully. "Are you messing with me?"  
"Why bother?" she asked. "Besides, I wouldn't bother wasting all this time talking to you if I wasn't willing give you a little bit of help, at least."

I nodded. "OK. Just tell me what I need to do."

"First. Leave him alone. He needs some time to breathe and you need time to grow up."

I opened my mouth to protest then snapped it shut again. As much as I hated to say it, Bethany was right. I _was_ being immature about this. She knew a lot more about dating than I did, so it wouldn't hurt to listen to her and take some of her advice.

I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the evening as she went over different ways I could win Matt back without throwing myself at him and wailing miserably. I had to admit, with all these different methods, it was going to be hard for Matt to say no to me.


	33. Only a Breath or Two Between Our Lips

**Chapter 33: Only a Breath or Two Between Our Lips**

**Dawn**

_April 9_

_Everything has been going well, which is a surprise, considering how the semester started off. Alan and I have been spending so much time together. He so easily replaced Roger as my best guy friend and I beginning to think that he's replacing my girlfriends and becoming my overall best friend. I've even spoke with Roger and was pleasantly surprised by that conversation as well._

"Dawn?"

I turned around and sighed when I saw who was approaching me. Roger, loaded down with books, stumbled towards me in the library, almost losing his balance. I hurried forward and grabbed a couple books from his arms. He smiled gratefully.

"Thanks," he said as he readjusted the books still in his arms. I nodded.

"Yeah, no problem." We stood in silence for a moment. "Well, I'd better getting going."

Roger shook his head. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Why not?"

"I need to talk to you, Dawn."

His face has the same open, honest expression it had at the beginning of our friendship. I thought about it for a moment before nodding.

"All right." I motioned towards an open study room. "Can we go in there?"

"That would probably be a very good idea."

I led us into the room and closed the door tightly behind us. Roger set his books on the table and I did the same. He waited until I was seated before sitting down across the table from me. I sighed again.

"What's going on, Roger?"

"I've been an _idiot_, Dawn," he blurted out. I blinked in surprise before nodding. "I can't believe I put you through all of this crap while I was busy trying to figure out what the hell was the matter with me. I shouldn't have done that to you. You didn't deserve it."

I nodded again. "No, you shouldn't have. You almost destroyed my reputation on campus."

Roger shook his head. "Your reputation didn't change at all."

I laughed in disbelief. "_Right_. You telling everyone that I was a sex obsessed hippie didn't do a _thing_ to my reputation."

"I never said that."

"So I'm paraphrasing."

"No, I mean I said anything like that to _anyone_." I waited. "I know I made it seem like I did, but I promise that nothing that happened on Thanksgiving ever went farther than you and me."

I was shocked. "Why did you let me _believe_ that?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I was confused, I guess. I really didn't want to hurt you, but since I didn't like you in the same way you liked me, that was the only thing I could think of to make sure you wouldn't do anything again."

"_You hurt me_," I whispered.

He closed his eyes for a moment then reached across the table to hold my hand. "I'm _so_ sorry, Dawn. There's nothing I can say or do to make this right, but I wanted you to know that nobody but the two of us know what happened."

I swallowed then slowly nodded. "Thank you for telling me. You're right that it doesn't fix things, but it helps."

"Really?" he asked, opening his eyes again.

"Yeah," I told him. "I think, maybe, if we work this thing out, we could become friends like we used to be. Without the whole unrequited love thing coming up again."

He smiled. "I'd really like to go back to that."

"So would I, Roger. So would I."

**33**

"I can't _believe_ this!" Mary Anne gasped. "He was making that up the whole time."

I nodded. "I know. He was such a complete _sleazebag_."

"He still is, Dawn," she told me. I could hear my mom and Richard in the background, discussing dinner plans. "You _can't_ be friends with him again."

I sighed and rolled onto my stomach. Patrice was in the room, too, but was curled up into a ball on her bed, sleeping. I kept my voice low so as not to disturb her.

"He apologized," I said. "He admitted what he did was wrong and wants us to be friends again. I told him it would take a lot of work, but he was willing to do what he had to do. I really think he _wants_ us to be good friends again."

"Dawn, what he did was awful," she said. "A piece of trash like that shouldn't be trusted. Don't be so trusting and naïve, Dawn."

"Look, Mary Anne, I am _really _sorry about what happened with Jeff, but Roger isn't like that." I sighed. "Well, he made me think he was, but he was just being a jerk because he didn't know any other way to handle the situation. And, yeah, it was a really weird situation, so I don't know what I would've done if I were him."

"He sounds like the kind of garbage Jeff is," she huffed. "I can't believe you're willing to have a relationship with someone like that."

"We're _not_ dating, Mary Anne. We're just going to be _friends_. Besides, how many stupid things have happened between us? Or you and Kristy? Or Claudia and Stacey? Or any friends?" I waited for her to reply and continued on when she said nothing. "Friendship is all about second chances. People screw things up and hurt the people they care about all the time. When they come back and ask forgiveness, I think they should get it. I mean, if he does the exact same thing again, I don't think we could continue to be friends, but I'm not worried about that happening. Before Thanksgiving, he was such a great guy to me and we were best friends here at school. Is it so bad that I want that back?"

"_Yes_," Mary Anne snapped suddenly. "It is. I think it's _stupid_ that you're opening yourself up for more hurt."

"He isn't like Jeff!" I said, losing my patience with her. "He never cheated on me because we were never in a romantic relationship! You need to forget about Jeff for five minutes now and listen to what I'm trying to say."

"_He's lying!_" she said and I could tell she was shaking with adrenaline like she always does when she's trying to hold a strong emotion back. "And, why _should_ I forget about Jeff? What he did was _horrible_, but he taught me to be more careful about _who _I should trust. I don't need to worry about being so naïve anymore."

"No, Mary Anne, you just have to worry about being bitter and cynical," I said quietly.

"Don't come crying to me when he does it all over again," she snapped. "Goodbye, Dawn."

I opened my mouth to reply but shut it when all I could hear was the dial tone. I set the phone back onto my bed and stared down at the floor.

Maybe Mary Anne was right, but I really didn't think she was. Even though we had only been good friends for a short period of time, he was the most open, honest person I had ever met. He told me everything and I told him everything. With the Thanksgiving incident, I had really been shocked with how he reacted. It was so unlike him that I should've realized that something was really wrong instead of him just being amused at how stupidly I had acted.

And, so what if I wanted to trust him again? What was so horrible about being willing to put my trust back into a friend who had made a mistake? A _big_ mistake, but a mistake. Everyone screws things up and if I stopped trusting everyone who had made a mistake, big or small, there wouldn't be anyone left for me to trust anymore. I was a people person, I thrived on my friends and family and it wasn't in my nature to hate people for doing something stupid, especially once they apologized.

Roger deserved a second change. Our friendship deserved a second chance. He was the only one here at school, besides Alan and Patrice, who I felt comfortable talking with. I needed a friend like him again. A boy who wasn't in a romantic relationship with me who I could talk about everything with. Patrice was fast becoming a close friend, but I felt a little weird talking to her about Alan. She didn't know him at all and, besides, I couldn't really ask a girl how a boy's brain functions. I had to ask another guy.

Most of all, I missed him. I missed being with him. I missed waking up at the crack of dawn to race over to the local coffee and bagel place and eating until I felt like I could burst with Roger. I missed going to the movies, sitting in the back row, and making fun the movie the whole time. I missed playing Scrabble with him and letting each other make up words with our extra letters.

The thing I missed most was just being close to him. I missed his arms wrapping around me in a reassuring, safe hug. I missed snuggling down close to him when the wind started to howl outside as we read scary stories to one another in my bed. I missed taking naps with him. I missed being able to kiss him on the forehead or the cheek and I missed him doing the same. We had a physical friendship which gave each of us the feeling of safety and comfort. It would be nice to go back to that friendship again.

I hoped that Mary Anne would understand what I did. I also wished that she would be able to get past what Jeff had done to her and move on. I would hate for her to become a bitter and cynical person who didn't think people could ever be trusted. I loved her and it would kill me to see her so afraid to trust anyone that she would start to drive everyone away from her. Of course, I wasn't too worried yet. He had hurt her a month ago, so the wound was still fresh. I'd start worrying if it had been a year or more and she was still so untrusting.

**33**

"Hey, Dawn," Alan said as he plopped down next to me in one of the university's smaller cafes for dinner. I had already selected a fresh garden salad, oat bread with all natural peanut butter, and a glass of mineral water. Alan set his tray down. I almost laughed at the stark contrast. He was going to be eating a big bowl on chili, a stack of white bread, a large coffee, and a cinnamon bun with icing.

"That looks really healthy, Alan." He looked down and smiled.

"Well, I've got to pull an all-nighter," he explained. "I figured that I would go ahead and start pushing the caffeine early."

"It looks like you'll be pretty successful," I told him, wrinkling my nose. "I don't know how your heart hasn't exploded yet. Do you realize how many calories and fat is in that meal?"

"Yeah, well, bunnies are starving because you stole their supper," he retorted. I laughed.

"Ah, yes, the rabbit food reference. Is there a single meal that goes by without one?"

"Yes," he said seriously. I raised an eyebrow. "Whenever I don't eat with you."

I laughed again. "Thanks, Alan. It's good to know you're _so_ supportive."

"I do what I can." He scooped a slice of bread into his chili and popped the dripping mess into his mouth. I winced and looked down into my salad. It was nice and fresh and not dripping with animal meat. I stabbed some lettuce, a tomato, and a raw onion ring and popped my forkful into my mouth. We both worked for a few minutes on eating before talking. Alan was one of the few people like me who like to have a few minutes of complete quiet at the beginning of the meal in order to get some serious eating done. Once we had calmed our hungry stomachs down did we talk.

"Do anything interesting today?" I asked him.

"I took an exam in physics."

"Ew," I said with a laugh. "Why are you taking that again?"

"It's on my degree checklist," he reminded me. "I think it's on yours, too."

"Uck, don't remind me. That's the last thing I am looking forward to taking. It's going to be awful."

"Dawn, you're so pessimistic," he laughed. "I've never seen this side of you."

"You'll a lot more of it during the semester I actually take that class."

"I'll tutor you," he said with a smile. "It'll be fun."

I didn't say anything. I was feeling suddenly uneasy. I realized that I hadn't told him about Roger yet and realized how much I _didn't_ want to tell him about Roger. Alan was still convinced he was a jerk. He hadn't met the Roger I was friends with in the fall, otherwise he would've realized that Roger had just done something stupid. Alan noticed my silence.

"What's up with you?" he asked gently. "Something bad happen today?"

I shook my head. "No, actually. Something very _good_ happened today."

"How come you haven't said anything?" Alan asked, eating another goopy slice of bread with chili. "You're usually bursting when you have any good news."

"It's about Roger," I said cautiously.

Alan frowned. "_That _guy? I thought we hated him."

"We did. Just not anymore."

"What happened, Dawn?"

I cleared my throat. "He never told anyone what had happened between the two of us. He just made it seem like he had said things with me because he didn't know how to handle what had happened."

"You're _OK _with that?" Alan asked, sounding strange. I shrugged.

"Yes, Alan, I am. He really is a good guy. The three of us ought to hang out sometime. You'd like him when you get to know him."

"I doubt it," Alan said crisply. "And, I don't think you should be so eager to spend time with a guy who treated you like crap. I don't care what his reasons are."

"Well, I started spending time with you, didn't I?" I asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, I used to think you had this huge crush on me and were stalking me. I couldn't stand to be around you when I went to Stoneybrook, so I did whatever I could to make sure that I could avoid you." Alan's frown deepened. "If I wasn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, not to mention a second chance, we'd never have become friends."

"That's different, Dawn," he said. "That's completely different."

"What's _wrong _with everybody?" I asked loudly. A few people looked over at our table, but I didn't lower my voice. "Why is it that _nobody_ wants me to be friends with Roger again? We used to be so close and why is it _so horrible_ that I want to have him back in my life? Why doesn't anyone _trust_ him?"

"It's not that," Alan hissed. I folded my arms across my chest and glared him. "I just don't want to see you get hurt anymore. Maybe he's being honest and maybe he won't hurt you. Maybe he's being a liar and has every intention of hurting you again."

"I want to think that he won't hurt me. Is that so bad?" I asked. Alan shook his head angrily.

"It's not bad! I just don't want you to see him anymore, all right?"

"You can't control who I spend time with!" I snapped angrily. "You're not my jailor, Alan! You're my friend and right now you're not acting like someone I'd want to be friends with."

"Well, I'd act more like myself if you'd just agree to not see him anymore."

"Why should I?" I asked in returned.

"_Because I love you!_" he almost shouted. Everyone in the room looked up and the room went dead silent. I tried to get some words out of my mouth, but I was speechless. "I've loved you for years, Dawn, and I hate to see you spending more time with him than me. It hurts to see you with any other guy, even if he is just a friend to you. I'd kill him if he hurt you again."

"Alan… I don't know what to say," I whispered.

"So don't."

I didn't have any time to react before Alan got out of his seat, stood beside my chair, bent over, and planted his lips against mine.

It was a deeper, more passionate kiss than I had ever had. Alan's hands were cupping my face, making it impossible for me to pull away. His tongue was against my lips, demanding entrance into my mouth, which I quickly allowed him. I could feel my heart beginning to race as he ran his tongue along the inside of my mouth. My toes tingled as his tongue touched every sensitive part of my mouth and I brought my fingers up to touch his hands. I felt my eyes fall closed and as I did, he deepened the kiss.

I felt myself being pulled out of the chair and scrambled to my feet, desperate not to break out kiss. My knees were weak, but when his arm wrapped around my waist to hold me tight and close, it didn't matter if I turned into jelly. Alan would be able to support me no matter what.

I moaned in disappointment when he pulled his lips away. Alan stared down into my now opened eyes for a moment before pulling his whole body away from mine and went back to his seat. I slumped down into my own chair as I watched him hurriedly cram his books and papers back into his bag. He dumped the remains of his lunch into the garbage, flashed me a nervous look then hurried out of the café. I slumped back against my chair, my head spinning.

The moment Alan was gone, a few of the kids in the café let out wolf whistles and several girls began to giggle.

"That was better than a soap opera," Jamie Deans called to me. I smiled weakly back at her then followed Alan and ran from the café. I had no way to see where he had gone, but I don't know what I would've done if I had known.

Once my cheeks began to grow cold in the early springtime evening, I headed back for my dorm. Boy, did I have a story for Patrice tonight!


	34. I Am Awake to Feel the Ache

**Chapter 34: I Am Awake to Feel the Ache**

**Kristy**

_April 18_

_Every time I look at myself in the mirror or just down at my stomach, I keep remembering all of the things which I'm missing out on. I'm not in college. I don't have the fun stories that Mary Anne and Abby share with me all the time. They're loving every minute of it and I've been sentenced to being just another live-in baby-sitter. __**I hate this so much**_

Everyone has been supportive. My parents always check in on me and Mom has been indulging every craving I have every if it's for celery and tapioca pudding at 11:30 pm on a weeknight. Even Watson will go out every so often and will bring home something totally weird and random, which I gobble up immediately. I think this baby is going to weigh a thousand pounds when it comes out because it makes me so hungry all the time.

The kids (and the adults when it's necessary) have been helping me set up a nice nursery in Grace's old nursery. Grace loves it because she finally will have a big girl room instead of sleeping in the nursery. Karen and Emily Michelle ooh and aah over every baby magazine and practically faint when I take them into any store with baby supplies.

Somehow, none of my family's excitement has rubbed off onto me. Like I told Jessi at Christmas time, I love this baby. I think, though, that I'm starting to resent it more and more as time goes on. I see everyone in my family running all over the place, living a fast and busy lifestyle that I was dying to jump into. Of course, I wasn't allowed to do much jumping.

My doctor's have all warned me that I need to be very calm and rest often during my final trimester. The baby weighs a little more than is typical for a mother my size, so they're thinking that the baby's father must've been _big_. Since I'm so small and my hips are so narrow, I have to do everything in my power to keep this baby from delivering prematurely.

That basically means I can watch Grace when she's in a quiet mode and can be around the rest of the family when it's relatively calm. Otherwise, I'm supposed to stay in my new, makeshift bedroom (a first floor guest bedroom that smells a little musty since it hasn't been used very much). Everyone except for me brought a large portion of my real bedroom down into the guestroom, so that it wouldn't feel so weird. It still does.

The worst part about this whole situation is the depression. Nothing I can do seems to be able to shake it. Normally, doctors' orders to stay calm would've driven me crazy, but they didn't. Some days, I only got out of bed to go to the bathroom then slipped back under the covers. My family took turns bringing in my meals when I didn't want to move and I would eat enough to keep them happy. Well, and to make sure I was still taking good care of my baby.

I was beginning to question if this love for my own child wasn't turning sour. I really hoped that I wasn't at the beginning of hating my daughter.

**34**

"Good morning, Kristy!" I hear Jessi call as her slippers shuffled into my bedroom. I didn't move. "I know you're alive in there. Somewhere within all of those blankets and pillows, I mean."

I sighed. I had gotten over being angry with Jessi about the night she decided to stay in to help Karen. It was mostly just frustrating to be stuck inside the house for yet another night. Still, even though I had forgiven her and gotten over my stupid fit, I was resentful of the way she was beginning to live a normal life again and I was becoming more and more of a recluse.

"Kristy?" she asked a little more softly. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. I didn't bother to emerge from my nest of bedding. "I'm up."

"Emily Michelle and Nannie cooked us breakfast this morning, in honor of Sam and Charlie coming home to celebrate Karen's birthday. I know her birthday isn't until tomorrow, but we wanted to have a big, family breakfast." She paused. "Do you want to come to breakfast?"

I sat up and flung the bedding off of me. "Yeah, sure. I just hope there's breakfast sausages left. Sam always eats them all."

Jessi laughed. "That's what David Michael told me, so I made sure to ration off a bunch so you can eat as many as you like."

I forced a smile. "Thanks, Jessi."

I climbed out of bed and winced at the sudden pain in my back. Jessi hurried to my side. I shook my head. "Don't worry, it's only a muscle ache." Sure enough, the pain was gone by the time I had finished speaking. Jessi nodded but didn't move away.

"Let me help you get dressed," she offered. It was strange, having Jessi help me get dressed when only months ago I had been helping her to get dressed. I nodded sadly. It was humiliating. No wonder Jessi always complained about it.

She managed to get my clothes off and went to the dresser to pick out some new clothes. I didn't even mind standing in my bedroom, half naked, as Jessi sorted through my underwear drawer. She handed me a bra and a pair of panties.

"I'll pick out your other clothes while you change, if you don't mind."

"As you probably already know, I could care less about clothing," I mumbled. I fastened my bra into place and struggled a bit with changing my underwear.

When I had both on, Jessi returned with a maternity t-shirt, a light denim jacket I bought senior year of high school that still fit, and a pair of maternity jeans. I hated the way the maternity clothes Mom bought for me fit and felt. I hated having this bump growing on my stomach, day after day, and I hate that there was clothing designed to show off this bump. Jessi helped me into the light blue jeans first and let me zip them up and button them. Then, she helped me slide on my t-shirt and handed me my jacket. At least there was one item of clothing I could put on myself.

Once I was dressed and had run a brush through my hair a few times, Jessi and I went down to breakfast. Charlie and Karen were already sitting in the dining room, the only room where the whole family could comfortably eat without having to use the counters like we did in the kitchen. I could hear the breakfast meats sizzling and felt my mouth water when the delicious aroma hit my nose. I sat down beside Charlie and listened as the three of them held a lively conversation.

By the time breakfast was ready, the whole family was seated around the table. Mom and Watson sat at each end with me, Charlie, Sam, Jessi, Emily Michelle, and Nannie on Waton's right and David Michael, Benny, Becca, Grace, and Karen on his left. Andrew was in Chicago with his mother and stepfather. From what I understood of it, Watson and my mother now had full custody of Karen, but not Andrew. It was probably because Karen tries to run away every time it was her mother's turn to have the children. Everyone thought that Karen liked the relaxed atmosphere of our house and hated being cooped up and so quiet at her mother's home. Besides, having a full house meant more fun and activity for her.

Watson raised his glass of cranberry juice and the rest of us raised our glasses of various juices and milk as well.

"In honor of Karen's birthday, I would like to thank everyone for making an appearance at today's lovely breakfast."

"Except for Andrew," I blurted out and felt like an idiot. Everyone stared at me and I looked back down at my plate.

"I'd like to thank Em and Nanny for cooking this delicious breakfast for all of us. It looks like a heart attack on china plates, but let's dig in anyways."

The boys cheered and began to scoop ample portions of everything onto their plates. Everyone else waited until Sam, Charlie, Benny, and David Michael were wolfing down their own plates of food before serving themselves. I suddenly felt a lot less hungry now that I was looking at the food. Watson, who was sitting next to me, took my plate and put onto it a little bit of scrambled egg and a couple sausages from the paper plate labeled "Kristy's: **eat and die**!" He set the plate down in front of me and leaned close to my ear.

"Aren't you hungry, honey?" he asked quietly. Nobody seemed to notice him treating me like I was special except for my mother who was watching me with concern in her eyes. I shrugged.

"I don't know," I said then pushed my plate away from me a little. "I guess not."

"We made those special for you!" Emily Michelle called when she saw me push my plate away. I blushed.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"I'll eat them for you, Kristy!" Sam cried valiantly before reaching across Charlie to spear my food onto his fork. I pushed my chair away from the table, stood up, and picked up my glass of all-natural apple juice.

"I'm going to watch TV in my room," I told Watson. I suddenly felt so run down that I thought I might just go back to sleep again instead of watching TV. Just as I thought, the moment I put my head back onto my pillow, I was asleep again.

**34**

"Hey, Kristy, wake up."

I opened my eyes slowly to see Sam standing in front of me, grinning. I looked down towards my feet and discovered the weight down there was Charlie sitting on the edge of my bed.

"What do you guys want?" I asked.

"Mom's worried about you," Sam said, suddenly serious. I moaned.

"Tell me something new."

"Really, Kristy. She's worried about how sad you are," Sam said awkwardly.

"Of course I'm sad," I told him. "I was _raped_ and now I'm _pregnant_ with the jerk's baby. I have the _right_ to be sad, thanks."

"Kristy, I really hate seeing you like this," Charlie said quietly. I looked down at him and felt my eyes fill with tears. "We want to help you."

I started to sob. Sam looked at Charlie desperately for help and Charlie slid down towards my head to wrap me in an awkward hug. I cried miserably into his shirt.

"I hate _everything_," I confessed. "I have nothing _good_ in my life anymore. What's the point?"

"Shh," he whispered. "It'll be all right."

"How can you _say_ that?" I sobbed. "What if I get hit by a bus? What if some other guys does the same thing to me _again_?"

"Well, I'm already hunting down guy number one and I won't let another guy come near you. I'm going to use my ninja death skills on them," Sam said, trying to lighten up the conversation. He's always been the kind of person who hates confrontation and would rather that everyone be happy. Charlie stared at him with an open mouth and I smiled weakly.

"Thanks, Sam."

"That one's for free, little sister." He studied me and smiled. "Mom and Watson gave us a whole wad of money and told us we could blow it all downtown."

"They did not," I said in disbelief, forgetting my tears. Charlie laughed.

"They gave us thirty bucks to blow on pizza, milkshakes, and some candy at that store you liked when you were a kid," he explained. Sam pouted.

"My story was better, man."

"_And _totally stupid," Charlie said rolling his eyes. I sat up.

"I wouldn't have bought it."

"Yeah, but you'd be curious enough to get out of bed to beat me up for it."

I laughed a little. "OK, fine. _Maybe_ I'd have done that."

Charlie squeezed my hand. "Lunch, then?"

"It's already lunchtime?" I asked, feeling like a loser. Charlie nodded.

"Yeah, let's go. I'm starving."

**34**

When Sam left the table to go to the bathroom, Charlie leaned in closer to me.

"Listen, Kristy, Mom's been calling me a lot about you." I blushed. "No, don't worry, she hasn't been complaining or anything. She's just been worried and wants to know how to help you."

I shrugged. "I wish _I _knew. I hate feeling so miserable."

"I kind of figured that," he said gently. "So, we decided that since you're not too far long in your pregnancy not to travel, that you ought to come out to Seattle and stay with me for a while."

My eyes widened. "Really? I thought I was on bed rest."

"You are, but she checked with your doctor and if you can fly comfortably to Seattle then it might be a good thing to get you out of here." I stared at him, unable to think of something coherent to say. "Besides, you can help me figure out what the heck to do with my apartment. It's kind of pathetic."

"Needs a woman's touch?" I asked, slowly feeling excitement build up inside of me. "When do I leave?"

"Right after Karen's birthday party tomorrow. We're going to take the red eye flight, so you can sleep, and I'm going to take the next couple of days off from work to help settle you into the apartment."

"This is for real?" I asked. Charlie cocked his head in confusion. "You aren't just making fun of me, are you?"

"Absolutely not. I want you to be happy and so does Mom and everybody else. I know everyone here in Stoneybrook will miss you, but a change of scenery might do you good."

I leaned forward and hugged him suddenly. "I love you, Charlie!"

"Hey, did I _miss _something?" Sam asked as he returned to our booth. "What's up with all the hugging?"

Charlie smiled at him. "You'll find out tomorrow."

**34**

As I sat in the plane the next evening, I began to feel a little better. Maybe Charlie and Mom were right. Maybe I needed a change of pace. I just wish that it hadn't been so hard to leave my family behind.

Mom, Watson, and Nannie were the least teary eyed and upset, especially since I was going to be coming back home in June, about a month or so before the baby was due. We wanted to make sure that I could deliver in Stamford with my family at my side instead of just poor Charlie. The doctor felt that the return flight, as long as it was calm, shouldn't affect my baby and me at all and felt that a longer stay would do me more good.

Sam wasn't too affected either, since he was returning to college and had a summer job in Virginia (where he went to school) lined up, so he'd only be returning to Stoneybrook for my delivery and maybe one or two other weekends. Charlie, obviously, wasn't upset in the least.

Benny was a little upset, but I could tell that he'd be fine. He had everyone else to keep him company and since I had been such poor company lately, he was probably ready to see me off.

Emily Michelle was upset since she and I had been close from the moment Mom and Watson brought her home. She had cried a little, gave me a hug then retreated to Nannie for comfort. Grace wasn't really sure what was happening, so she kept blowing me kisses like she had when I went to college. I guess it would be a somewhat similar time span.

David Michael was fairly upset. I had looked after him since he was very little and he had always been my favorite kid to baby-sit. We were the closest of my brothers and me, so he didn't even come down from his bedroom to see me off. I tried not to feel angry that he didn't want to see me, but it was hard work not to.

Jessi and Becca looked sad that I was leaving, but, as Jessi told me before Watson drive Charlie and me out to the airport, since they knew when I'd be home and knew that I would only be gone for a few months, it wasn't so bad. It was going to be, like in Grace's eyes, as though I was just going off to college for a semester.

Out of everyone, Karen was the most devastated. I was closer to her than any of the rest of my brothers and sisters and vice versa. I loved her more than any of the rest of the kids, even though I would never admit it to anyone. When she learned that I was leaving, she stormed from the room and started to sob inconsolably upstairs in her bedroom. She wouldn't let anyone in, not even me, to comfort her. She left her room right before Watson, Charlie, and I did, and raced downstairs. When she saw me, she flung her arms around me, started to sob again, and began _begging_ me to stay at home. I started to cry, too, and Charlie and Sam had to pull us apart. Karen started trying to kick and punch Sam, who had grabbed her arms in order to let us leave, and finally ended up sinking into a miserable, sobbing lump onto the living room floor. I cried the entire way to the airport.

Now that I was on the plane, I felt better. I would miss Karen, but I knew that this might be the only way to cheer me up. I didn't want to be depressed when my baby was born. I wanted to be a happy, energetic mother and if that hurt Karen right now, I was all right with it. She would heal and forgive me for leaving, but a baby wouldn't be able to do much when her mother didn't want to have anything to do with her.

I pressed my forehead against the cold glass on my window. I hoped that this was the right way to do things. I really hoped it was.


	35. This is the Time and Place to be Alive

**Chapter 35: This is the Time and Place to be Alive**

**Claudia**

_April 20_

_Poor Mom. She's been playing messenger between Janine and Dad. Well, when either of them decide to have anything to do with one another. I've tried to talk to Janine, but she's been upset with me, too, and doesn't usually let me get more than a few words out before making up an excuse and hanging up. I hate to say it, but we've turned into a full fledged dysfunctional family._

Mom, Dad, and I were eating dinner together tonight. It was nearly four-thirty, which meant that Dad then Mom would be getting home soon. I had used some of my vacation time to get the best of the fresh spring air. Unfortunately, it had been mostly rainy this past week. It wasn't that bad, though. It gave me even more time to work on my artwork. I needed to put together a really good portfolio for next August. Even though I had already been accepted into Stoneybrook College, I didn't _need_ to prove myself, but I also didn't want to go to school without working on maintaining and improving my craft.

I had been working on sketching the tree in front of our house, which was just starting to bud, with the rain falling down around and dripping off of its branches. I wanted to capture its lively beauty. It was so fresh and sweet looking, but also so forbidding with its sheer mass and the threatening clouds above it. It was so hard to capture with words, at least for me, that I decided to try and capture it with watercolors. Maybe acrylics. I hadn't decided which medium to go with yet.

The phone began to ring inside the house, so I folded up my sketching kit and hurried inside. I caught the phone on the last ring before it went to the machine.

"Hello?"

"Claudia?"

"This is she," I said. I hated saying that. It sounds stupid, but I could never think of anything better.

"It's me. Stacey."

"Hey, Stacey. How come you didn't call my phone number? Why'd you call the house?"

"I did call you first," she said. "Your answering machine came on. Then I called your cell. Same thing. Finally, I decided against all hope to call your house. And, thus, my story comes to an end."

I laughed. "I've been outside, working on some sketches. I must've left my cell phone upstairs because I didn't hear that or my phone ring."

"That's all right," she said. I remembered what had happened the last time I had seen her.

"Is everything all right, Stacey?"

She paused for a moment. "Yeah, I guess so. At least, there's nothing new to report. After the police brought him in, he was officially arrested. I lucked out, though, because the judge deemed him to be an immediate threat to me and didn't offer him any bail. He figured Teddy would ignore any restraining orders since he tracked me back to my mother's house."

"That piece of garbage," I groaned. "He's such a tool."

"My feelings_ exactly_." I could hear her shuffling around and knew she was gathering up her laundry. She liked talking on the phone, mostly with me, whenever she did laundry. "But, no, I just felt like chatting. Laundry day, you know."

"You _only _call me on laundry days," I pouted. "Am I that boring that only laundry is less stimulating?"

"Don't flatter yourself," Stacey said. "Laundry is still your superior."

"Nice, Stacey. I think."

We laughed for a few seconds. Stacey cleared her throat. "I was just calling to talk to you about Kristy. Is it true that she went to Seattle? I saw it in Mary Anne's profile, but I didn't want to ask her about it since it must still be kind of a touchy subject with Mary Anne."

It was kind of a touchy subject with me, too, but I didn't tell that to Stacey.

"Yeah, she left. I guess the family here in Stoneybrook haven't been doing that well."

"Why?" Stacey asked. "I mean, what's going on?"

"I guess it's mostly Karen. She's been acting out a lot now," I told her. "I mean, she's been doing it for a while, but in the past two days, she's been absolutely out of control. She's been talking back in school, starting fights, and holes up in her bedroom the moment she comes home. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Brewer have decided to send her to her mother's house for the next couple of weeks in order to help get her out of this funk she's in. Kristy needed a change of pace and Karen does, too."

"What does Karen think?" Stacey asked. I sighed.

"I went over to baby-sit last night since Kristy is gone and Jessi can't really do it all on her own, and Karen is really hard to work with at all anymore. I got her to talk to me a little bit, though." I sighed. "She's really against the visit to her mother's. Nobody is listening to her, though. Since Kristy seems to be doing well so far out in Seattle, they're convinced that Karen will do the same."

"Why doesn't Karen like her mother?"

"She wouldn't say."

We sat in silence for a bit, each too absorbed in our own thoughts to talk. Stacey remembered she was on the phone first.

"How are you doing, Claud?"

I shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Everything's been so tense around here since the accident in January. I figured that things would've cooled down by now, but Dad and Janine are still at one another's throats."

"That sucks," Stacey told me sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "I guess it could be worse. Besides, at least it's not bad so long as we don't talk about Janine." I paused. "I'd rather not talk about her right now, if that's all right."

"Yeah, of course."

I heard the front door open and close from where I was in the kitchen. "Oh, sorry, Stace. I think Dad's home. I was going to help him start dinner so that it would be ready when Mom got home."

She giggled. "Sounds like it'll be an interesting meal."

"I can make other things besides macaroni and hotdogs."

"Sure you can," she said soothingly. I laughed.

"All right, you disbeliever. I'm going to leave you now in the land of the bitter."

"You love me!" she called before we hung up. I hurried into the kitchen where I found my father. He smiled when he saw me.

"Claudia! I was beginning to worry that you had left me all alone in the kitchen. I was thinking of a way to explain to your mother that we baked a pizza that tastes exactly like Mario's."

"I should've stayed upstairs," I laughed. "That would've been interesting."

"Oh, _ha ha_," he said dryly. "Help me start this thing before we really do have to order that pizza."

"Yes sir!" I called and began to help him fix up an edible meatloaf.

**35**

"So, Mom, how was your day?" I asked. Mom glanced at me over her forkful of meatloaf.

"Good, Claudia," she answered, shooting an amused look at my father. "How was yours?"

"Not too good."

Mom's amused look turned a little more concerned. "Did something bad happen?"

I shook my head slowly. "I was on the phone with Stacey and we got to talking about Janine and I-"

Mom shook her head quickly as Dad sat up a little straighter and more rigid in his chair. "Claudia, not now."

I think I surprised all of us when I slammed my fork down. Mom sighed heavily and Dad shot me a warning look. Too bad warning looks tended to be all together lost on me.

"This isn't right!" I said strongly. "She's my _sister_! Your _daughter_! Why can't we just work this all out?"

"Claudia, you don't understand," Dad said stiffly. I felt bad then. He had been in such a good mood, and Mom, too, before I decided to sabotage dinner. "This isn't a simple problem."

"It is," I insisted. "Just _call_ her and _apologize_. She will, too, I bet."

"_Young lady, drop it_," Dad snapped.

"Dad, I just want us to be a family again!"

Dad stood up, much to my surprise. I shot a frightened look in Mom's direction and she gently placed her hand over his. Dad shook his head.

"Claudia, maybe it would be best for you to excuse yourself," she said quietly.

"I'm not finished," I told them.

"You can finish later," Mom insisted. I shook my head.

"I can't believe this! Dad, please!"

"_Claudia! Out!_"

I pushed my chair back and without clearing my place or saying anything else, stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room. My heart was pounding in my ears and I knew I couldn't stand another minute in this house. I grabbed my purse from off the table and slammed open the front door. I got into my car, backed it out of the driveway, and got away from our house fast.

**35**

Barnes and Noble.

The last place people would think to look for me is at a book store. Which made going to a book store the easiest place to hide away from the world. It helped that the book store was actually a really neat place, too.

As though there was some god of sugary sweets, a tiny Starbucks was also within the store. Most of the time, I would browse around for a while, purchase a book, then spend a couple of hours chilling out in the little café, reading and sucking down drink after tasty drink. I'd be on a complete caffeine buzz when I left, but I'd have another book to add to my collection. If you know anything about my parents, they're always thrilled when I return home with a new book, even if I've spent a lot more money on guzzling down variations of coffee.

Tonight, however, was not a normal night. I didn't casually browse through the books I thought might interest me. Tonight, as soon as I parked my car, I headed straight for the coffee bar and a big, foamy, creamy drink. With my head down, I took it and headed straight for the table in the darkest, most secluded corner. Feeling sulky, I began to suck down my drink, fully intending on refilling it once it was gone.

However, about halfway through my drink, I felt someone standing near me and looked up to see a man standing a few feet from my table. He smiled when I looked him in the eye.

"You _stole_ it," he said. I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

"You _stole_ my sulking table."

I laughed. "Is _that_ what this table is?"

He gestured towards the chair nearest to him and nodded for him to take a seat. "That's what I use it for. Hardly anyone ever sits back here, especially on a weeknight."

"Well, I had a fight with my parents," I groaned. "They're being their usual, insane selves."

"You live with your parents?" I studied his face carefully.

"Yeah, until I move out next semester to go to school." He nodded.

"Don't worry, I still live at home. The world doesn't normally bestow a lot of money on Humanities majors. You have to spend all the extra money to get a masters or doctoral degree."

I wrinkled my nose. "Ew."

"You can say that again," he said with a sigh. "So, how old are you, exactly? I know it sounds weird, but if you're only 14 or something, I am going to have to excuse myself."

I laughed. "I'm 19."

"I'm 21," he said with a grin. "At least we're legal… uh, you know I don't actually know your name."

"I forgot my nametag _again_?" I asked stupidly as I looked down at my shirt. He laughed and so did I. "My name's Claudia… what's your name?"

"Jack." _Jack._ That was a cute name. "I was wondering, since we seem to have similar tastes in hideaways that you might like to go out to dinner one evening at one of my favorite dinner hideaways."

I grinned. "I think I'd like that _very_ much."

We continued to talk and get to know one another. As we did, I felt Janine slip farther and farther away from my mind. Why bother think about something upsetting when a man is trying so hard to make you laugh? Since I had no answer, I simply let her slide away from me to wait for when I did have the time and desire to think about our family situation again.


	36. It's Nice Not to Be So Alone

**Chapter 36: It's Nice Not to Be So Alone**

**Mary Anne**

_April 30_

_I've been thinking about Jeff again. I hate when I let myself do that. He was such a selfish pig. I thought that after poor Stacey's encounter with Teddy (and our beating the __**crap**__ out of him), I'd be over Jeff. Of course, though, I'm not. A tiny little bit of my head keeps insisting that I should just call him up and make up. Maybe I backed out of that relationship too fast. Then, my better sense takes control…_

I don't know how Stacey does it. She's abused over and over by Teddy and she still manages to stay strong enough to say no to him. I'm starting to wonder if, in a moment of supreme weakness, I might end up calling Jeff, apologize for walking out on him, and beg him to take me back again. I know it sounds stupid, but I was really starting to miss him. Or maybe it was just the_ thought_ of him I was missing. No, maybe it was the thought of having a _boyfriend_ that I was missing.

I didn't know who I could talk to about this situation. I hadn't told my father about Jeff and neither had Sharon. We decided that night that it would be our little secret, especially since I was finished having anything to do with him. There was no sense in worrying my father over nothing.

Although she hadn't said anything, I just knew that Dawn was holding back an "**I TOLD YOU SO**," which made it impossible to talk to her about anything of this. It was easy for her to be so choosey about who she dated. She's gorgeous and any straight man would love to be with her. I'm pretty, but nothing extraordinary.

It was harder for me to get involved, too. I always wanted more than any of the guys dating me seemed capable of giving. I thought that Jeff was going to be different and, until I caught him cheating on me, he was. He was compassionate, he called me when he promised to, and he was always telling me how sweet or pretty I was. In a lot of ways, he was a great guy.

That just made getting him out of my head such a huge problem.

**36**

"Morning, sleepy head!"

I opened my blurry eyes and squinted at the face hanging over me. I groaned, rolled over, and slipped my glasses on. I sat up and stared at my stepmother.

"Sharon, what _time_ is it?"

She checked her watch. "It's quarter after."

"After which _hour_."

"Eight," Sharon said with a sheepish smile. I let out a loud groan and flopped back down onto my pillow. I felt her weight settle beside me, but refused to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I was slowly waking up already. "Remember you agreed to go out with me this morning."

"What? When… oh, _right_." I slowly sat up and sighed. "We're going birthday present shopping for Dad. That's right."

"And, remember that you wanted to wake up early so that we could go over there before the crowds start getting too big." It was a Saturday. Apparently, _everyone_ gravitates to the mall on Saturday. Anyways, Dad's birthday was tomorrow, which is why I went home during this week before finals. "Now, come on, Mary Anne. Don't _make me_ pick out something for you to wear."

I held up my hands in supplication. "I'm up. I am up."

I got out of bed and waited until I heard Sharon tromping back downstairs and start messing around in the kitchen before beginning to change. Dad must be at work (he's turning into quite the workaholic nowadays) otherwise he'd have yelled for Sharon to be quiet. My stepmother is a singer in the kitchen. Nobody really understands why.

I pulled off all of my clothes, slipped into my tattered old robe, and padded across the hall and into the bathroom. I stayed in the shower a little longer than usual. I had been up late the night before, trying to get some kind of conversation out of Kristy. She seemed a little morose and tired which worried me. She left Stoneybrook to start feeling better. The change of scenery wasn't helping her at all, it seemed to me.

When I finally got out of the shower, I trudged back into my bedroom, drew the blinds tightly shut and dropped my towel onto the ground. I slid into my bra and panties and stared into my closet. There weren't as many options for spring as I thought. I must've donated too many this past August.

After a while, I picked out a loose, flowered skirt. It was yellow but with pretty little dots of blue and pink flowers on it. Kind of conservative, but I've always been a conservative with the way I dressed. After another while, I picked out a light, flowing blouse, a pair of kitten heeled white sandals, and a green and blue floral scarf tied around my hair to keep it neat. Once I opened the shades and looked outside I congratulated myself on selecting the wrap. The wind was going to whip my hair in every possible direction it could.

I hurried downstairs and sat down just as Sharon was spooning hot oatmeal into our breakfast bowls. It smelled like cinnamon and heaven. I closed my eyes to breathe in the scent more deeply and Sharon giggled.

"Not everything I cook is scary, Mary Anne," she insisted. I scooped up a spoonful and, after blowing on it, put it in my mouth. I sighed.

"Your oatmeal is the stuff legends are made from," I told and she laughed.

"Oh, just hurry up," she said, eating from her own bowl. "I want to leave in a little bit."

"Don't rush me, Sharon, otherwise I will get a bad stomach ache and ruin this whole trip."

**36**

"What do you think of _this_?" Sharon asked, holding out a tie. It was red and sparkly. I shook my head.

"No way."

Sharon laughed. "I was just thinking about buying him a gag gift this year. I mean, he really doesn't get any stupid things, does he?"

"I don't know if he _likes_ getting stupid things," I said hesitantly. Sharon threw the monstrosity of a tie into our basket. I looked up at her in surprise. She shrugged.

"Well, he's getting the ugly tie for_ sure_ then."

We continued to walk slowly through the men's department, trying to decide what to buy and what not to buy. After we had selected three nice, button down shirts (one of which had a bit more flair to it than Dad usually wears, but something I had seen a lot of professionals wear, Jeff included), several pairs of socks (apparently, he was wearing all his good pairs out), and a gag shirt with a picture of Will Ferrell on it. I didn't recognize the character, but we both thought it would be a riot to watch Dad walk around in it when he was off from work.

Just as we were starting to go into household items, I caught a glimpse of my old ex-boyfriend Logan. He caught my eyes, stared for just a little too long, and began to walk this way. I moaned.

"Sharon, it's _Logan_," I said, nudging her. "_I'm_ going to make a run for the bathroom, _you_ tell him I have the bubonic plague."

"He's _too_ close and _why_ would you be out in _public_ with _that_?"

I glared at her. "_Just do it!_"

"Too late," she said, spinning back around to face Logan. I forced a smile on my face and relaxed a little when I saw how genuine the smile on his face was. He reached out his hand and took mine. I'd forgotten how gentle he was.

"Hi, Mary Anne. What are you doing here?"

I smiled. "Shopping for birthday presents for my dad. Want to help? We could use a male's opinion."

Logan let our hands fall to our sides and shrugged. "If you don't mind?"

"I invited you, Logan. If I minded, do you think I would've said anything?"

"Point taken." We both glanced at Sharon, who had been eyeing something a little farther into the house hold items displays.

"Do you think your father would like a new blender?"

**36**

"All set to go then," Logan told Sharon as he finished helping us load everything into the car. We had had a lot of things gift wrapped since we probably wouldn't have time and since we didn't want Dad to be able to see in full what we had purchased for him. Logan rubbed his hands together and looked at me expectantly. "Hey, Mary Anne, I was wondering about something."

"Yeah?" I asked, holding my car door open. Sharon started the car, winced at the volume of the radio, and quickly turned it down.

"Do you want to go do something?"

I nodded. "Sure. When?"

"How about right now? I don't have to work this weekend." That's right. Logan went to Hartville College which lay twenty minutes on the _other_ side of town from Stoneybrook College. "It'd be nice to catch up with you, especially since we all had such a good time."

I looked back at Sharon and she shrugged. "Sounds fine to me. Go ahead, Mary Anne. It's better if I'm in the kitchen alone anyway today. I have the perfect surprise dinner for your father tomorrow." I stared and she shrugged again. "You'll all like it."

I looked back at Logan. "All right. Your car is parked…?"

"Right over there. The red Camry. See it?"

I nodded even though I didn't know what he was talking about. "All right. Sharon, I'll see you sometime tonight."

She suddenly scooped up her purse, fumbled around in it, and pulled out a few crumpled bills. "Go ahead and buy yourselves lunch this afternoon and save enough to buy a pizza for dinner tonight. Nobody will be in the mood to cook dinner."

I took the money gratefully from her. I knew that this money would mean no weird vegetable pizza or hippie tofu take-out like the last Saturday night I was at home. I nodded at Logan. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," he said as I closed the door to the car. We waited until Sharon was out of the parking lot before heading towards his car. "Is there any place you _want_ to go?"

I thought about it for a minute or so as we sat in the car in silence. Suddenly, I perked up. "SMS!"

"The middle school?" Logan asked hesitantly. "_Really_?"

"Oh, come on. You and I had some _good_ times at SMS," I reminded him. He grinned.

"_Better_ times at SHS." I slapped weakly at him, giggling. He put the car in gear and headed back towards Stoneybrook.

**36**

We never made it to Stoneybrook Middle School. We actually got distracted and ended up in a little park along the main road from Stamford and Stoneybrook. It was so warm and breezy and the flowers and leaves looked so beautiful that I made Logan pull over.

"God, I feel like such a _hippie_," I laughed as I spun in circles until I was so dizzy I fell onto the ground. Logan, who had also been spinning on my command, crumpled down not soon after. "I like it!"

"I might puke," he panted and when he saw the look on my face starting laughing again. "I'm kidding, M-A. Calm down."

M-A. Logan was actually one of the people that I allowed to call me that. Several people had tried before and after he did, but only was really the only one allowed to call me that. Plus Dawn and Kristy. Only three people. I missed hearing it, now that I thought about it.

Dawn was far away in California and wasn't writing much anymore. I wasn't sure if that meant she was busy in a good way or busy in a bad way. I didn't want to think that she just didn't feel like writing to her. I was her stepsister and one of her best friends. We were so close and I had sent two letters, three emails, and a handful of instant messages to her and only one email was answered. I hated that she had fallen under radio silence.

Kristy was also far away. I suppose I hadn't thought much about it until now. She had come to represent Stoneybrook after her pregnancy. While I knew she was suffering, part of me wanted to tell her to get over it. I wanted her back home and I wanted home to feel like home again.

I could feel tears in my eyes and Logan clucked his tongue.

"Are you _crying_?" he asked in a big, overly exaggerated voice. I grinned. The best way to make me stop crying was to make me laugh and I was glad that Logan remembered that. He smiled gently. "What's going on?"

I groaned. "_Everything_, Logan. Just everything that has to do with love, for starters. I started dating this really good looking doctor-"

Logan held up his hands. "A doctor? Isn't that a little old?"

I slapped at him. "No _lecturing_ or else I _won't_ finish my story." Logan zipped his lips and leaned back down onto the grass. "Anyways, we dated for a little while before I caught him in bed with another woman maybe a half hour after he left me." I left out the sex part. Logan and I had lost our virginity to one another and it felt wrong to talk about having sex with another person in front of him.

He sighed. "That is crappy, M-A. Same thing kind of happened to me, too."

"Is she a bitch?" I snapped and Logan blinked.

"No, she actually isn't. She was in the process of getting a divorce-"

"And, I'm dating people too old!" I retorted. He rolled his eyes good naturedly.

"She is only 22. Married at 17 to her high school sweetheart. He cheated on her, so she started to go out to find someone new while the divorce was in the process of being finalized. We started dating and I thought that we were really going to be serious. Then she tells me that dating me made her realize how much she missed her soon to be ex-husband. She went back to him and, as far as I know, they decided to give it a second chance."

"Wow," I breathed. "We are both so romantically dysfunctional."

Logan nodded then paused for a moment. "I heard about what happened to Stacey."

I sat up quickly. "_Wha_t? How did you find _that_ out?"

"I've been shadowing at the police station while I work at getting my criminal justice degree. I've been focusing on domestic violence and rape cases this semester and I saw the creep that they brought him who hurt her. He kept trying to tell everyone that she was a slut and wanted it."

My fists clenched in anger. "_That bastard_. Who the _hell_ does he think he _is_ to do this to her?"

Logan smiled grimly. "I told him that and told him never to go near her again. He told me that I couldn't threaten him and I told him that if I ever caught him hurting her that he'd really pay for it."

"How would you catch him?"

"I gave Stacey a panic pager. If someone or something threatens her, it will immediately send out an emergency alert to all squad cars and my pager, too." He showed me and looked up at me seriously. "Stacey is a good girl. I told him that he would face a lot of angry people if he so much as thinks her name again."

Without thinking, I reached over and hugged him tightly. After a moment, he returned the hug. Gradually we pulled away from one another with, no doubt, identical blushes on our faces. "Sorry," I said.

He shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we haven't spent much time together since we broke up in our freshmen year. I keep forgetting what good friends we were before all of the other crap like sex and romantic relationship stuff got in the way."

I nodded. "I miss that, too."

He held out his hand and I immediately grasped it. "Let's agree to have an official romantic woes meeting once a week so that we have to spend more time together."

I laughed. "We should also have an official lunch hour once a week to catch up on other things, too."

He nodded seriously. "Good. You know, I don't think I've had an actual girl for a friend since you and I broke up. Everything else has always been romantic."

I nodded in dawning realization. "You're right, me neither." I released his hand. "I'm glad you ran into us today and that we got to talking."

"No, M-A, _you_ ran into _me_," he said, his eyes mischievous.

We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together and Logan didn't go home until around 9 pm. Dad approached me.

"Are you and Logan getting back together?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Nope, Dad, we're just getting back to being _friends_ again."


	37. How Shall I See You Through My Tears

Rated** M**: mature content

**Chapter 37: How Shall I See You Through My Tears?**

**Jessi**

_May 4_

_I thought I was holding it together pretty well. I don't cry anymore at the drop of a hat, I don't torture Mallory for just being a good friend, or any of that stuff. Apparently, though, I'm not as__** over**__ this as I had thought…_

Elizabeth was taking us to school. She was dropping the older kids off at the elementary and middle schools before taking me to high school. Emily Michelle and Andrew were getting off at the elementary school while Benny, David Michael, and Becca were being dropped off at the middle school. Karen had asked Nannie to drive her in later since she had a small headache. The household had been too hectic for Elizabeth or Watson to protest, so a pale Karen went back to bed.

I could hear the kids in the back seats of the van arguing. Watson and Elizabeth own several different cars, for several different purposes. The van we were in right now was suited to seat 10 passengers. There were two minivans as well, which were usually used for family trips. Nannie had a white Chevy (the Pink Clinker died years back), Watson had a black BMW, and Elizabeth drove a blue Chevy with a hatchback to load and unload some of the groceries. The fleet of cars was weird, but it ended up working out for everyone and was affordable, so I didn't say anything when I discovered just how many cars there were (not including Charlie, Sam, and Kristy's cars).

"David Michael, give it _back_ to me!" Andrew protested. I could hear them squeaking around on the seats of the van. I looked back to see what was going on.

"David Michael, give it back to him!" I called as he dangled a notebook out of Andrew's reach. David Michael scowled then gave it back after a quick glance up to the front confirmed that his mother was watching him now.

"You don't have to _whine_ so much," he mumbled. Andrew spun around in his seat and faced the front.

"And, you don't have to _pick on me_ so much."

"You're _whining_ again," Benny pointed out. He started to reach out to grab something else from Andrew, but Emily Michelle grabbed his wrist.

"Leave Andrew _alone_," she snapped.

The boys withdrew. There are two things you have to remember about Emily Michelle. The first is that she fights dirty. She didn't just punch or kick. She pinched, bit, pulled on hair, ripped clothing, and slapped. After a couple of fights with Emily Michelle, one doesn't want to get into another with her. The girl was seriously brutal.

The second thing to remember is that she is a daddy's girl. Karen is, too, of course, but after Emily Michelle was adopted and Grace born, Emily Michelle took the lead. It's probably because Emily Michelle is the first child to belong to both Watson and Elizabeth. She was used to having her way.

Oh, and she had a banshee scream that could make you want to tear your own ears off to escape its sound.

The kids sat in the back, muttering at one another. I could tell that they were fighting, very quietly, and I found myself smiling in amusement. They were actually quite funny when they got like this. Their parents don't scold often because otherwise all they would do is scold, so it was an unspoken rule that the kids could fight at this volume so long as nothing too bad was said. Usually, you'd find out that when one of the kids started screaming about some horrible thing that another kid had said.

Elizabeth stopped the van in the parking lot of the elementary school and helped Emily Michelle and Andrew out of the van. Since Andrew had never been to one of the private schools (his mother moved away before he was enrolled and his father wanted him to stay with the rest of the kids), he usually led Emily Michelle into the building. Today, however, was the first school day of the month of one of our months of having Andrew. Elizabeth liked to walk them both to the door before leaving again.

Next came the host of angry, prepubescent preteens in the back of the van. As soon as the van door opened, they poured out and rushed away to find and join their friends. I watched the children milling around the front of the building with a bittersweet sensation. I had some of the greatest times and some of the worst times of my life (so far) in this very building. I wondered what kind of social life was brewing behind those doors.

Finally, Elizabeth turned on the ignition once she was sure they had all gone into the building when the bell rang. She turned to give me a frazzled smile.

"And you wonder why I asked if you would like to just go in with Nannie," she said. I started to laugh and Elizabeth turned up the radio while we made our way over to the high school. I sat back in the seat and closed my eyes. I was still pretty tired from not sleeping well during the night.

"_In some more serious news, three high school seniors were killed in a car accident last night_," the radio said. My eyes snapped open and I leaned forward intently.

_Not Mallory!_ I thought as hard as I could. Elizabeth put her hand out to change the channel, but I grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"_At this time, no names of the victims or of the possible suspects are being released. We are informed, however, that the teenagers are students at Stoneybrook Day School_."

I let out a relieved sigh which suddenly turned into a sob. Elizabeth pulled the car over immediately and I flung open the door as soon as she did. Rushing down onto the grass, I bent over and threw up my breakfast amongst the weeds. Elizabeth ran in front of and around the van to rub my back and hold me steady as I was sick.

After a while, I felt my strength give out and sunk down, with Elizabeth's help, onto the gravel. I turned away from the sight of my own vomit and stared weakly at the passing cars and minivans. More than a few drivers cast us a strange look. Elizabeth wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I suddenly realized how much I was shaking.

"All I could think… _Mallory_," I sputtered out. I could feel her nod.

"I know, honey. You haven't had any luck with cars recently, have you?"

I shook my head miserably. "No, but those kids have it _worse._ I mean, their families do. Kids aren't _supposed_ to die before their parents. Mama always said that."

"But, it's hard for kids to lose their parents when they are still children themselves," Elizabeth said softly.

I let myself have a good solid five minutes of pure, agonized sobbing. I could feel my eyes growing tired and sleepy and my throat raw and strained from the sobbing, but kept going until it felt like the last tear as slid out. Elizabeth continued to hold me as I carefully put myself together again. Finally, I started to get to my feet.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. Elizabeth nodded and got us both into the van. She started it up and, after a quick turns, was driving back to the house again. "What are you doing?"

"I don't think you're up for school today," she said simply. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't think of any way to do it. Besides, if she thought I needed a break, I probably did.

**37**

"Karen, is your headache gone?" Elizabeth asked when we came home and found Karen making herself breakfast with her radio blaring. Karen turned it off, her face going red.

"I guess," she said meekly. I glanced at Elizabeth. Karen never did _anything _meekly. Elizabeth frowned.

"All right, young lady. Out with it. Are you trying to skip out of school for a _reason_?"

I watched as the 12 year old looked around the room nervously. "I don't know," was all she could come up with. Elizabeth shook her head.

"Well, come on then. You're already late. I don't want you to miss anything else."

"_No!_" Karen suddenly shouted. Everyone stopped moving, even little Grace and Nannie, who were finger painting at the kitchen table. "I'm not _going_ to school! I don't _want_ to go! Is that so hard to understand?"

"Karen, calm down," Nannie said softly. "Did something happen at school?"

"No," Karen said bitingly. "Not that _you_ people would even _care_ if it did."

"Karen, we _care _about you," Elizabeth said, setting her purse onto the counter that ran around the perimeter of the kitchen. "Tell us what's happening."

"I don't want to," she said. She started to stalk out of the room and paused in the doorway. "Besides, you wouldn't _believe_ me even if I _did_ tell you."

"Did something bad happen at school?" Nannie repeated. Karen shook her head, still facing away from us. I could tell that she was breathing fast and hard. "At home?"

When Karen nodded her head, Elizabeth took a few steps towards her. "Karen, what happened? _Please_, honey, tell us. We can't help you if you don't say anything."

"I looked it up online, too, just to make sure," she said. The rest of us, except Grace, exchanged glances with another. What the _heck_ was going on here? "I wanted to make sure I knew what I was talking about."

"Karen…" Elizabeth said pleadingly. I could tell by the look on her face that Karen's unstated problem was hurting her a lot. I decided to try, too.

"Come on, Karen. You can tell me, can't you?" I asked. She turned around slowly and I could see her eyes red with tears already. I approached her and she let me wrap my arms around her, although she remained rigid and didn't hug me back. "Please? We're friends, right?"

I felt some serious déjà vu happening when she burst into hysterical tears like I did beside the road. Only, her sobs were much more frantic and panicked sounding. I felt her sag against me and, with trouble, managed to get us both onto the floor without any injuries. Karen continued her sobs, which were fast turning into near screams, against my shoulder.

"You _have_ to promise you won't hate me!" she gasped. "You have to _promise_!"

"Nobody would," Elizabeth told her.

Karen nodded and continued to cry for another few minutes. Just as her sobs were starting to wear her down, she raised her face and looked me in the eye.

"I didn't _want_ him to touch me," she said softly, her eyes growing big with fear. I could almost see Elizabeth and Nannie bristling with unspoken outrage. I sure knew I was. "And, I _tried_ to _stop_ him, but I couldn't."

"What happened?" I asked her gently.

"I looked it up. I wanted to make _sure_." She sounded like a broken record. "I thought I _knew_, so I wanted to make _sure_."

"_What?_" Elizabeth asked tensely.

"_He raped me_," Karen moaned and buried her head into my shoulder. I tightened my hug and began to rock her. Elizabeth stepped over us and kneeled down behind Karen. She touched her back and Karen jumped.

"_Who?_" she asked.

"He touched me before," Karen mumbled. "Mostly on my chest and butt. He said I shouldn't tell _anyone_ because what we were doing was all right, but it had to be a secret. _Our special secret_."

"Oh, God," Elizabeth moaned. I heard Nannie scoop up Grace.

"Come on, Grace, it's time to put on the TV in the playpen."

"I don't_ like_ the playpen," Grace cried. "And, Mommy and Karen are _crying_! Why are they crying Nannie?"

"Shh," Nannie whispered as she took the baby from the room.

Karen continued on, as though the interruption hadn't taken place.

"When he touched me between my legs, I knew something was wrong. Like, how the teachers say never let anyone but a doctor touch you there? Besides, sometimes it hurt when he touched me. He'd try to push a finger in there sometimes and I'd cry and he'd tell me I was being a baby."

"I'm calling the police," Elizabeth whispered, climbing to her feet. Karen jerked away from me.

"_No! You promised!_"

Elizabeth stood still, clearly torn as to what to do. I hugged Karen against me again.

"Keep going, Karen," I urged her. She swallowed a few times and Elizabeth sank down onto one of the stools in the kitchen.

"He said I was being a _baby_. So, I didn't say anything because I'm _not_ a baby and he stopped. I felt really proud of myself, like he was _testing_ me. Like how the preacher said that the devil tempts grown-ups with lust. Like _God_ was testing me, too, and he was just kind of carrying it out. It was _all right_ if I could think about it that way." She laughed nervously. "Then, yesterday, he took off his pants and made me _touch_ him. I told him I didn't_ want_ to do that and he _made _me. And, then, when it got all _hard_, he made me lie down on the bed. I had to lie on mystomach." She swallowed some more. I thought about getting her some water, but knew that she had to tell us now. Water could wait.

"He put it _inside _of me." I winced. "I kept telling him no and that it was _hurting_ me and he kept saying that it wouldn't hurt so much if I'd stop whining. He lied. It _hurt_, especially when he moved it around in there." She sighed heavily. "There was _blood_ in my underwear this morning. I didn't want to go to school because it's gym day. What if I kept bleeding and someone _saw _while I was changing clothes for gym?"

I heard Elizabeth crying faintly and was suddenly surprised as to how calm I was. "_Who_ did this to you, Karen?" I asked after a few minutes of silence.

"_Seth did_," Karen mumbled and went limp in my arms.

**37**

"I'm going to kill that _son of a bitch_!" Watson growled. I flinched. He must've noticed because he calmed down a bit. "I can't _believe_ he did that to _my daughter_! There's no way in _hell_ I'm letting her go back to that _bastard_! Andrew, either!"

"Honey, _calm down_," Elizabeth murmured. "She's trying to sleep. Think of everything she's _been through_ the past couple of days."

Watson sat down heavily on the couch. I sat in complete silence, worried that anything from me would get me kicked out of the room. I wanted to help Karen in any way that I could and I most definitely didn't want to be kicked out of this adults only meeting when I was the one Karen finally told.

"How could we let this _happen_?" he asked.

Elizabeth started to cry miserably, but nobody came over to calm her or give her comfort. I guess everyone was just too shell shocked to think about anyone but Karen.

"You had them do a rape kit?" Watson asked suddenly. Elizabeth nodded and covered her eyes.

"_She's only 12!_ She's still a little girl," she said to nobody in particular. I slumped down further in my seat and tried to hide the evidence of my own tears. Watson noticed.

"Jessi, are you _sure_ you want to be out here?" he asked gently. I nodded.

"She told _me_, didn't she?" I asked. The adults nodded then Nannie stood up.

"Why don't you go up and check in on her? She just went up, but she will need to be watched for a while now." Nannie sighed. "Just in case."

I got out of my seat and hurried up those stairs faster than I realized I could move now. I hesitated at Karen's door then went inside without knocking. I could see Karen sitting on the edge of her bed, her eyes focused on a point on the floor. They traveled vaguely up to my face and I swallowed. The sedatives that they had given her to help calm her down were still very much in effect. I sat down next to her on her bed.

"I'm sorry," I said plainly. Karen nodded mutely.

This was horrible, worse than horrible. Karen Brewer, bossy and bold, was silent and stiller than I had ever seen her before? It was like the voice had been stolen right from her body as her virginity and innocence had been.

"Do you want to watch TV?" I asked lamely. She shook her head slowly. "A movie? Want to play a game?"

"I want to sleep," she mumbled.

"Someone has to stay with you at night for a while," I told her. She already knew that, but it still stabbed at my heart when I said it. I would never in a million years want her to kill herself, but who could honestly blame the poor girl? "Do you want me to sit in the chair by your bed?"

She shook her head and grabbed onto my hand. "Just hold me?" she asked in a tiny voice.

I nodded. "Of course."

I helped Karen into her pajamas as she had done so many times before. I brushed out her sweet, honey blonde hair and stood with her while she brushed her teeth and got ready for bed. Finally, she climbed under the covers and I tucked her in. I started to sit down on the edge and she made a funny little sound. I looked at her face.

"_Hold me_."

I lie down next to her on top of the covers. Karen snuggled her face into my t-shirt and was asleep in minutes. When Elizabeth and Watson came up to check on their daughter, Elizabeth tried to hide back a sob. Watson helped me to my feet since I had begun to feel sleepy and drowsy, too.

"We'll take over, Jessi," he said and led me back to my own bed.

Only after maybe an hour or so, once my mind finished screaming at me with all the warning signs that I (and everyone else) had missed, did I manage to fall into a very dark, very troubled sleep.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** One review pointed something out to me that I was a bit silly in assuming that my readers would already know where I was coming from when I wrote this chapter.

Basically, Karen's voice has changed drastically in this story. Through the canon books, Karen is portrayed as a very smart, precocious young girl. In my book, as well, I have portrayed her as being much more mature than her peers (due to factors including intelligence, her role in the family, the abuse by her stepfather, her relationship with Kristy, etc.), so it was natural that she would sound older than she was, at least in terms of biological years. However, in this chapter, when Karen breaks down and finally admits to the abuse that she has been suffering through for an undisclosed period of time, her voice is much younger, much like that of a younger child. This is not unusual, especially in abuse cases involving children. It is sometimes typical for a child to regress in a situation in which s/he feels that s/he has lost control, essentially reverting them to an earlier stage of development. I'm sorry that I did not explain Karen's sudden regression in further detail. She does not stay in a regressed stage for very long, so I did not feel that it was necessary to explain what was happening with her.

Again, thank you for reviewing and thank you for your thoughts and opinions on this story. I feel incredibly blessed to see that this story has so many people reading it and following it. I will try to include further warnings and explanations if you, my readers, believe that they are warrented in the future. Please let me know. Otherwise, thanks again, and happy reading.


	38. We Live Happily Forever

**Chapter 38: We Live Happily Forever**

**Abby**

_May 8_

_I'm home! Freedom bound for four glorious months! Of course, I'm going to miss Amanda like crazy. It's a good thing that we live so close to one another. We're already planning a sleepover at my house tonight, even though we only got home a couple days ago. Since we were both just too crazed by finals, we decided to have our end of school year celebrations now instead of trying to fit them in between finals and late night cram sessions._

"You know, I've never actually met this girl," Anna said, looking thoughtful. I rolled my eyes.

"You met her when you and Mom helped me move in, remember?"

"Abby, that was in August."

"I thought you crazy musician types all had photographic memories or something."

"I think you just mean crazy. And, I think you just mean, by using that terminology, to refer to yourself."

I turned to look back out at the driveway. "You're feeling especially spiteful today, aren't you?"

She sighed. "I was up late night."

"Doing what?"

"Waiting for a phone call."

I glanced at her. "I didn't know you musician types were really the romantic type. Well, by that, of course, I mean you don't love anything useless it has some musical function."

"I love you and you have absolutely no musical function whatsoever."

"Don't make me sing because I swear I'll do it."

We watched and waited for Amanda's battered old Chevy to crawl up our street. Anna and I had been sparring with one another since Anna came home yesterday, driving Mom completely nuts since that special moment. She has been trying to think of bribes to offer us in order to behave this summer so that Bob won't dump her on account of her crazy twin daughters. We're holding for something really nice. Anna wants a new violin and I'd be happy with a car of my own instead of the car we got when our neighbor was put into a nursing home. Emily is really a sweet old woman, but that doesn't change the fact that her car smells like feet and moldy cabbages.

"What does she look like?" Anna asked. She was staring down the street to our left while I was watching the right. I shrugged.

"She's got red hair. She's short and pretty, too."

Secretly, I was completely envious of the way Amanda looked. Both sets of grandparents were Irish immigrants who lived in the same neighborhood, where Amanda's parents met when they were just little kids. Eventually, they got married, which is all sweet and romantic, but I'm not terribly into romantic. Never was, probably never will be. Odds are, I'll end up marrying some jerk who can play a mean game of soccer.

Anyhow, Amanda is very short and very fragile looking. She has the kind of pale skin that just burns up in the summer, but looks great so long as she doesn't attempt to tan. She has a few freckles across her cheeks and nose, but mostly, it's just this milky shade with a touch of rose hue underneath (I took an art course this semester). Her hair is what I would absolutely kill for. It's a rich auburn color with tons of ringlet curls and has never once been the cause of death for any comb or brush as my offensive locks have been.

The thing about Amanda is that everyone underestimates her. I did, when I first moved in. She's not very loud, which I took to mean timid and shy. I was in for a shocker the first time she told me off for leaving my wet, dirty socks all over the floor of our room after a night of ultimate Frisbee. Like I said, she's also very tiny and dainty in appearance. It's a good thing she never had to face off with me in a fight because I'd probably have been pounded into the ground. Little Miss Dainty Irish is a black belt in Karate. She's quite the terrifying little creature.

Anna straightened up from her pathetic slump against the glass. "I think that's her, Abby." We watched. "Oh, no! She's pulling into Mr. Betturnary's driveway! Abby, you should catch her before she gets out. He's such a pain in the ass when he gets riled up."

I shook my head. "Nah, let's watch from the comfort of our own home."

Anna stood up. "Abby, that's awful."

"So is he. Trust me, Anna. If there's anyone who can scare the fear of God into that old prune, it's Amanda." I grinned as she climbed out of her car and walked purposefully up the walkway. "This is great. Sit down, Anna."

Anna hesitated. "This is very wrong, Abby. So very wrong."

"And, yet, I don't see you running out of the house to stop her."

Anna patted her hair. "It's raining, Abby. This took hours to straighten."

I nodded. "Precisely. It's not our fault if we can't leave the house due to the possibility of hair death."

"I agree."

**38**

Amanda scowled at us from behind our mother.

"So, you two just watched Amanda go over to Geoffrey's house and didn't stop her? Am I hearing this right?" Mom asked. Anna shifted uncomfortably on the couch, so I decided the time would be right for me to step in.

"We decided it would be a humanitarian service is Miss Black Belt USA took him town a few notches," I explained. "After what his dog did to our azaleas last year, he should be lucky we didn't sic Amanda on Goldilocks."

"You should be lucky if I don't ground you both until you've hit menopause for this one." Mom pinched the bridge of her nose. "But, due to the fact that Abby's foolproof technique of whining could win awards, I won't. Instead, I'll leave you two with this as a punishment. Your father and I conceived you two on one of your beds. And, I won't tell which one."

I screamed. "Take it back!"

"Too late," she said firmly. "Your punishment has already been decided. It's up to you to block the disturbing mental images of your father and I-"

"We're sorry!" Anna cried, head between her hands. "We'll do anything!"

"Stop being weak!" I yelled at her. "You have to stand strong!"

"It's was all Abby's idea!"

"Bad thing happen to rats in prison! Even in mental prison!"

My mother got to her feet while we squabbled and turned to Amanda. "I'm sorry that they are socially inept."

Amanda shrugged. "Not at all. That's an interesting form of punishment. I'll have to use it sometime."

Once Mom left the room, Anna and I settled down and focused on Amanda. She grinned.

"I love your house already!" she said happily.

**38**

We set up the couch (for Anna because of her back) and tossed some sleeping bags on the floor in the living room. We decided that we were going to have a perfectly nerdy sleepover. Anna and I had set up the living room so often when we were kids, and even up until we were in high school, that Mom tried to convince us that she was going to move all the stuff up in our rooms into the living room since we liked it so much. When we were really little, we'd started crying and Dad would hug us and pretend to scold Mom for us. Later, we always pretended to be shocked and appalled by her suggestion.

Amanda was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. Anna was sitting next to her, looking much more tired than my roommate was. I cleared my throat.

"I'm going to go upstairs and grab some more pillows," I told them and headed upstairs when neither of them said anything. I shook my head with a smile and climbed the stairs. I had a bit of a shock when I saw Bob upstairs, in a clearly old t-shirt and a pair of loose shorts. He looked equally startled as I felt.

"Abby," he managed. Mom came out of the room and smiled.

"We're having our own sleepover," she said and Bob blushed. I did, too.

"Mom, this is too weird for even me to make fun of," I said and hurried into my bedroom and shut the door behind me.

I could hear my mother talking with him for a while before I heard them retreat back into the master suite. I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. It was really weird to see my former coach in his pajamas, but after a bit of thought, I came to the conclusion that this wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

I grinned. We were going to have a lot more fun with this new variable.

**38**

"Shh, Abby!" my sister hissed.

I glanced at Amanda and pressed my hand against my mouth. She was trying just as hard as I was not to laugh. I looked away quickly and set the bowl down. Anna examined Bob before nodding her head.

"Out cold," she breathed. "Put his hand in the water."

I did so and the three of us raced out of the room and down the stairs to hide in the kitchen. After a few minutes, I heard someone get out of bed upstairs. Amanda started giggling uncontrollably and I joined her. We all held our breath as we heard the footsteps went into the bathroom. After a moment or so, there was a loud cry from the bathroom.

The three of us broke out into full-fledged laughter as my mother hurried into the bathroom. We couldn't even stop when she came into the kitchen and glared at us.

"Who's the guilty party?"

"We're not going to say who," I told her, holding my head up high. "We won't cave in."

My mother stared at us for another few seconds before bursting out into laughter. She shook her head.

"There is something very wrong with you three."

"I agree," said Bob, coming into the kitchen. He was wearing my mother's robe, which I took to mean that he had rendered his shorts unusable. He glanced at my mother. "Why are your children head cases?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. It's like having two very intelligent, very evil toddlers."

"I resent that," Anna said.

"I resent you making me wet my pants," Bob told her. "Although, I will admit that the plastic wrap over the toilet, after the hand in warm water trick, was perfectly coordinated."

"Thanks," I said with a grin.

Mom sighed. "All right, since you three are busy playing pranks on us, we're going to move down here and join your sleepover."

"Mom, that's weird!" Anna said.

"You earned it," Bob told her with a grin. "Now, where are we going to sleep?"

**38**

The next morning, after spending until nearly four in the morning up talking and watching movies, Bob and I were in the kitchen. It was only 8, but I always woke up early whenever I slept downstairs. Since I didn't have anything else to do today (it was a Sunday), I figured I'd take a nap in the afternoon. Just the thought of stretching out in the warm afternoon sunlight to doze made me feel warm and cozy already. I glanced at Bob and could tell by the expression on his face that he was imagining a similar afternoon.

He looked into the fridge. "Let's make something _really_ good for breakfast," he suggested. I nodded.

"I think Mom would really like that," I told him. He brought out a carton of eggs and a carton of milk. "Scrambled eggs?"

Bob nodded. "And, toast." He looked around in the fridge while I brought the eggs and milk to the counter. I set them down and pulled a big, metal bowl from one of our kitchen cupboards. "Looks like there's some turkey bacon down here."

"We have breakfast sausages in the freezer," I said helpfully. He smiled as he brought the meats out of the fridge and freezer. I shrugged. "It's kosher, too. Turkey."

"There's some fresh fruit in there, too. Want to make a salad out of it?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "I'll get that started as soon as I mix up the eggs."

We focused on getting the eggs and meat on the stove before I took out all of the fruit we had and brought it to the counter to be diced and sliced. Bob sat down across from me so that he could watch the stove easier. I started slicing up bananas before speaking again.

"Mom likes you a lot," I told him, refusing to make eye contact. "She hasn't really had more than one date with any guy since Dad died."

"I like her a lot, too," he said carefully. I glanced up to see him slicing a banana into the fruit salad bowl. "Actually, I don't _just_ like her. I think I'm in love with your mother, Abby."

I made eye contact with him. "_Really?_ You _love_ my mother?"

"I really do," he said and hopped up quickly to start stirring the eggs on the stove and flipping the meat so it wouldn't burn. "Do you know that we actually talked about marriage a little bit last night before we came downstairs?"

I swallowed. "So, you want to marry my mother?"

He sighed. "I don't know yet. I mean, I love her a lot, don't get me wrong. I just don't know if I'm ready to be married again. I've been divorced for nearly six years, but it's still kind of hard to say that I want to get back into the married life."

"But, you love her," I said. "Isn't that enough?"

He paused in his movements. "I don't know yet."

I got to my feet and stood next to him. He looked down at me. "I would really like for you to become my stepdad."

Bob looked away quickly. "I would like that, too." He sighed again. "This is one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time, Abby. I don't think it's something I can decide so quickly."

I nodded. "Yeah, it's hard, but if you love her, why bother to wait? Why not just get married and not worry about whether or not it will work out? Why not work on just being happy together without worrying if it'll end in divorce?"

Bob looked back down at me again and smiled. "You're persuasive."

"I just want Mom to be happy again. Like she was when Dad was alive."

"You wouldn't resent me?" Bob asked. "You wouldn't feel like I was trying to replace your father?"

"No," I said quietly. "I wouldn't."

He stood still for a moment before a smile crept onto his face. "I _would_ like to be a permanent member of this family."

"_Do it_, then. Just propose."

He nodded slowly. "You're right." His smile grew wider at the thought. "I think that's what I need to do."

We didn't say much else as we finished making breakfast. When we had everything laid out on the table, I went into the living room to retrieve the rest of the family. Mom smelled the air and sighed.

"That smells delicious," she told me and wrapped her arm around my waist as we went into the kitchen together. "Did you help?"

I looked at Bob and we exchanged a private smile with one another.

"Yeah, Mom. I did."


	39. Feels Like It's All Coming Down

Rated **M**: suicide attempt, blood, mature themes and discussions

**Chapter 39: Feels Like It's All Coming Down**

**Stacey**

_May 10_

_I sent out some applications for different schools besides Yale. It's too late to get into an Ivy League at this point, at least for the fall, so I might end up going to Stoneybrook College. It'll be all right, though. Claudia and Kristy are going to be there next semester and Claudia says that if she can convince her parents to live on campus, that she'll room with me. All I have to do now is convince my parents that dropping out of Yale is the best thing for me to do right now._

"Mom, I _need_ to do this."

My mother sighed heavily and stared me straight in the face. I didn't avoid her gaze.

"Stacey, honey, dropping out of Yale just because of Teddy is silly," she said softly. "You _can't_ let him control your life. You have to be brave."

I shook my head and stared down at the table. "I don't _want_ to be brave. I'm _tired_ of being brave. Why can't I just live normally? _Why_ do I have to keep proving to everyone that I'm not some statistic?"

"Nobody's asking you to do that. We just want what's best for you."

Mom and Dad had, for once in a long time, made a decision together.

"_So do I!_" I told her. "This _isn't_ good for me! It's good for _you!_"

Mom threw her hands into the air as she stood up from her chair at the kitchen table. "That's right, Stacey. I've done all of this for me. I helped your father get a restraining order against Teddy so that I could feel safe. I went to the courthouse and testified against him so that he'd stop bothering me. I even called your father and went to his apartment in New York, with his new wife, just so that I could make sure that everyone agreed on a way to help me."

"Stop," I whispered, cupping my hands over my ears. "That's not what I meant!"

I felt her hand rest gently on her shoulder. "We're doing all of this for you. I just don't know if this decision is the best one for you to make right now."

"I don't want to see him."

"Teddy knows that one more incident will have him expelled from Yale altogether. He's on very thin ice."

I looked up at my mother, unable to stop the tears suddenly rolling down my cheeks. "What if the next incident is the last? What if he kills me?"

She kissed my forehead and wrapped her arms around me. I closed my eyes again and drank in the scent of my mother. It was a comfortable, secure smell that I had learned to love. She smelled like soap and lilac scented lotion. Her hair had a hint of strawberry to it as well and the skin cream she used for her face as a silky smooth scent of clean. I had begun to use the same brand of soap so that I always had her scent around me. I snuggled against her.

"Stacey, I know that this is very hard for you. All I'm asking from you is that you don't jump into anything that you might regret later."

I nodded. "All right, Mom."

She held me in silence for another few minutes, as my weak crying settled back down again. She started to pull away from me, no doubt to check and see how I was, when the telephone rang. She looked down at me and I nodded. I felt better and there was no need for her to not answer the telephone. She walked over.

"Hello?" My mother paused then smiled. "Hi, Elizabeth, how are you?"

I tuned out as my mother started talking with Mrs. Brewer. I knew that my mother was making a reasonable request. I suppose I was just so desperate to get away from Teddy that I didn't think there was any way I could possibly stay. Now that I was thinking about it like my mother advised, it was starting to really bother me. I had worked so hard for this, so hard for Yale, and now I was being forced out by my violent, abusive ex-boyfriend.

"Stacey?" I blinked at me as I came out of my thoughts. "Mrs. Brewer wants to talk to you."

I put my hand out and Mom set the phone in it. For a moment, I just stared at it then brought it up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Stacey, hi. It's Mrs. Brewer. Kristy's mom?"

"Hi, Mrs. Brewer. How are you?"

"I'm all right, honey. How are you doing? We've all been thinking about you since that jerk came to your house in March."

I sighed. "I'm doing better now that I'm out of school for the summer. I actually think that I'm going to transfer." Mom shot me a warning look.

"Don't make a rash decision," Mrs. Brewer told me. "If that's what you really want to do after you've given it some thought, I think everyone will be entirely supportive of you. Even if you do go back, you know we'll all be here for you."

"Thanks," I said gratefully.

"You're welcome," she said warmly. "_Emily Michelle, no!_ I am _not_ going to buy those shoes for you! Besides, I'm on the phone."

"_You bought those shoes for Karen last week!_" Emily Michelle shouted in return and I heard her stomp away from her mother.

"Sorry about that, Stacey," Mrs. Brewer said. "The natives are restless. Which, not so surprisingly, is why I called you tonight. I need to run some important errands tonight and tomorrow morning. I won't be home to help with the kids and neither will Mr. Brewer, who went out of town on business over the weekend. Jessi is spending the night at Mallory's, so I'm really in need of a babysitter right now. Nannie can't handle all of them on her own, especially with poor Karen and now Becca."

"What's wrong with Becca?" I asked, feeling alarmed. Mrs. Brewer must've noticed the change in my voice because she laughed.

"Becca has the flu. We thought it was Mono at first, but since the blood work came back negative, the doctor thinks she's just more susceptible to getting sick. She's on bed rest right now, but if she feels a little better, you might see her get up and get something to eat. She's not _too_ sick, but we decided to keep out of school for a few days so that she doesn't strain herself." Mrs. Brewer sighed. "So, with Becca sick and Karen still in shock, Nannie won't be able to keep track of everyone as well as meet everyone's needs."

I looked over at Mom, who was washing some greens to make a salad for our dinner. "When do you need me to come over?"

"As soon as possible," she said, sounding breathless. I considered for a moment.

"I still haven't had dinner yet."

Mrs. Brewer laughed. "Go ahead and eat, honey. Do you have a car?"

"Let me ask." I put my hand over the receiver. "Mom, can I have the car tonight and tomorrow."

"Overnight?"

"Yeah. Mrs. Brewer wants me to baby sit."

Mom shook her head. "No, I need to run some errands tomorrow morning. Can I just drop you off?"

I nodded and went back to the phone conversation. "Mom can drop me off."

"Great," Mrs. Brewer said, sounding very relieved. "I can drop you back off at home tomorrow when I come home."

"That sounds good. I can be over there in about a half hour, after we eat."

"I'll see you then."

After I hung up, I gave the phone to Mom and she dropped it back into its cradle.

"I don't want you to rush through your dinner," Mom warned after we had our dinners in front of us. "I don't want you to get a stomachache before you even get there."

"Yes, Mom. Don't worry. I'll be fine."

**39**

An hour later, I was submerged in chaos. The kids were fighting and screaming at one another, Grace was wailing at the top of her lungs, and Nannie and I were trying to battle them into being quiet. Shannon the dog, Alice the puppy (a new one that belonged to Karen, whose therapist thought having her own puppy would help cheer her up a little), Rock the cat, and Roll the kitten were all barking or hissing or yowling right along with the screams of the kids.

It was an utter madhouse. The sole person who was quiet was Karen, who was sitting limply in the living room, seemingly unaware of the chaos all around her. I had tried to include her in a game, but once the others began to fight, I was glad I hadn't. Poor Karen was really struggling right now.

"_Guys!_" I shouted over the din. The kids quieted only a little when I raised my voice. "Everyone stop talking or barking or screaming!"

After ten minutes or so, Nannie and I managed to shoo the dogs and cats outside and quiet down the kids. Karen was still sitting limply in her father's new armchair. I don't think she even heard us.

"Now, we're all going to behave like civilized human beings, right?"

"What does that mean?" Emily Michelle asked.

"It _means_ stop being so loud and stupid," David Michael snapped. Emily Michelle, looking thoroughly enraged, opened her mouth to start screaming at him again, but I got there faster. Before she had the chance to pierce any eardrums, I clapped my hand over her mouth. She struggled a bit before settling back down again.

"David Michael, don't call your sister stupid," Nannie said and stared him down when he opened his mouth to retort.

We could tell that the kids were cranky and probably bored. It had been unseasonably cold today with some occasional rain showers. The kids all had cabin (or mansion) fever and were itching to play outside or just get out of each other's faces for a while. I could tell by the angry glances that were being exchanged between them all.

Except Karen. Nobody glanced at her and she continued to stare at the TV screen even though I doubt she was actually seeing it. Her eyes had a glazed look to them and I just knew that she was replaying the sexual abuse and subsequent rape that she had just experienced. Mrs. Brewer filled me in better than the scattered rumors between the former BSC girls had done. Although she was stable, to the eye, at the moment, I was supposed to help Nanny in looking after her especially carefully.

Nanny finally raised her hands above her head and the kids almost snapped to attention. "How about we go upstairs into the play room and straighten the room around so that we can watch a movie in there like a movie theater?"

"Popcorn!" Grace yelled and instantly the other kids started talking about what movie to watch, which way to arrange the room, and what foods to take upstairs. I headed over to Karen's side as Nannie tried to make peace amongst them. I knelt down beside her.

"Karen?" I asked gently. She slowly rolled her eyes towards me, the same dazed look still on her face. I remembered Mrs. Brewer telling me that her doctors were keeping her on some sedatives for a few days so that she could rest and heal from the trauma of being raped. "Do you want to come upstairs and watch a movie with us?"

"No," she said in a very tired voice. "I'd rather just sit here."

"Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded slowly.

"I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone."

I tried not to feel hurt. I, of all people, could understand the blank, numb feeling after being sexually abused. I nodded. "All right. I'm going to help the kids set up, but I'll come back down to check out you in a little bit. Do you want to a watch or some TV down in here?"

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

"Well, I've got some new movies in my book bag, so maybe we can put one of those in." Karen shrugged a second time and looked back at the TV screen. I sighed. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

I hurried upstairs to help Nannie just as some more fighting was breaking out who was going to sit where in the "movie theater." I've never wanted to shove kids outside this badly before. Not even the Pike kids last year when they had all come down with strep throat and poor Mallory and Nicky were struck with scarlet fever as well. There's nothing worse than a nasty case of cabin fever.

**39**

Once the kids had been settled into the playroom with Nannie (and a wide assortment of treats for their movie theater), I went back downstairs to check in on Becca. I realized that I hadn't seen her yet, even though she had been in the house this entire time. I knocked gently on her door.

"Come in," she called quietly. I opened the door and she grinned when she saw me. "Hi, Stacey!"

"Hey, Becca," I replied and sat down on the edge of her bed. Becca had surrounded herself with Origami books and paper. "Keeping busy."

Becca rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah. I'm just plugging away here." She set down the paper that she had been working on when I came in. "Do you want to try some? Elizabeth bought it for me to keep me occupied while I'm feeling sick. It's a lot of fun."

I shook my head. "Maybe later. I need to check in on Karen, too." I thought for a moment. "Would you mind if I brought her in here? I'd feel a lot better if I knew the two of you were together, doing something. She looked… well…"

"Like a zombie?" Becca asked and I blushed. "Elizabeth told us all that she's having trouble processing what happened to her in the past couple of months. Not just what happened with her stepfather, but with Kristy getting pregnant and becoming depressed and leaving. Poor Karen isn't dealing with any of those at all right now. We're not supposed to push her, though."

I stood up. "I'm not going to push her. I'm just going to ask her to come in and do some Origami with us."

"All right," Becca said, picking up one of her books. "I'll try to find some beginner ones that she'll really like."

I closed the door behind me as I left Becca's room. I really hoped that I could convince Karen to join us. She likes creative things, even if Origami is a little too quiet and tame for her. Maybe, though, it might help to soothe some of her nerves a bit. I had heard somewhere that Origami was calming, but I wasn't sure where I had heard it, so maybe it wasn't even true. Either way, I wanted her to join us.

I went into the kitchen since I had already walked through the living to get to Becca's room and Karen had left. I looked around carefully and even checked the tiny closed in porch just outside the kitchen where they stored the kitchen cleaning supplies along with old kitchen towels, silverware, and an assortment of other things.

When I couldn't find Karen, I decided to check in Kristy's room. Mrs. Brewer had mentioned that Karen sometimes went in there to lie on Kristy's bed when she was upset or lonely. I walked up to the door and knocked. When there was no answer, I opened the door.

Then I screamed.

Karen stared back at me blankly, blood everywhere. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, but I could tell what had caused it. A tiny kitchen knife, its point sharp and small, was on the floor, coated in blood. I rushed into the room and knelt down in front of Karen. She sighed weakly.

"_Karen!_" I gasped. "_What happened?_ Where are you hurt?"

She opened her mouth, but her lips moved without any sound. I watched her struggle to speak then finally close her mouth and look down at the ground, at a complete loss for words. When she didn't say anything, I turned my head and screamed for help as loudly as I could. I focused my attention back on the pale little girl in front of me.

"Karen, sweetheart, where are you hurt?" I asked again. She swallowed and held out her arms. I could see a few gashes across her fair skin.

I jumped to my feet, grabbed one end of the comforter, and pressed it firmly to her wrists as she tried to pull her arms away from me with a hurt look in her eyes. I tried to read them, trying to understand why she wanted to hurt herself and why she was so angry with me for wanting to heal her and help her again, but I couldn't. I settled for pulling her close against my own body as she struggled against me, trying to free herself from my bandages and help. I pressed my lips against her forehead and murmured nonsense words of comfort, hoping that something would get through to this clearly distraught little girl. When I heard another scream behind me as someone else entered the room, I nearly sagged with relief, knowing that I didn't have to shoulder this burden all on my own anymore. Instead, I tucked Karen in closer and began to rock her gently like I would a baby or a fussy toddler.

"David… call an ambulance…" It was Nannie and her voice was shaking. I didn't blame her. I could only image what it must look like to see her grandchild, covered in blood and wrapped in a comforter, being cradled close to the babysitter that was supposed to be protecting her. I glanced over at Nannie and felt tears spring to my eyes as Karen let out a whimper.

"Karen… _why?_" Nannie asked her grandchild so gently that I began to weep helplessly as well. Karen's knees buckled and the two of us sank down onto the ground, a soggy, bloody, puffy mess. Nannie's fingers were combing hopelessly through Karen's hair, trying to fix something, anything she could touch.

"I'm sorry," Karen moaned miserably. "I'm _sorry_. I didn't mean to. _I'm so sorry_."

"Let me see," Nannie commanded and Karen obediently wiggled her wrists free from my hold and held them out to her grandmother. Nannie tentatively removed a corner of the comforter, smearing blood onto her hands, looked at the wounds for a few moments then returned the comforter. "It's a good thing I was a nurse when I was younger, huh?"

Nannie got up and pressed a kiss to Karen's forehead. When Karen hung her head, Nannie pressed it against her thigh and once more tried to comb through the honey blonde hair, leaving streaks of blood in it from where she had examined Karen's wrists.

"Nannie?" I turned to see David Michael, along with all of the other children, in the doorway. His face was ashen and I could tell that he was itching to run away from the room. "The ambulance said they'd be here any minute now."

Becca pushed past him and into the room. "What can we do to help?"

Nannie thought for a moment before responding. "All right. David Michael, go find two or three thick towels and bring them here immediately. I'll tell you if we need more. Benny, I want you to go and get a diaper bag ready for Grace. Emily Michelle, get a couple of your mother's blue shopping bags and pack them with water and snacks. Nothing that has to be in the fridge. Becca, find some thick sweaters for us to wrap around her." Nannie paused at Grace. "Grace, can you go and find a stuffed animal to keep Karen company when we go to the hospital?"

Grace nodded before toddling into the playroom. The rest of the kids had bolted out of the room the moment Nannie had told them what to do. Nannie looked at me. "Can you hold that onto her wrists?" I nodded. "I'm calling Elizabeth and Watson."

Once the room was quiet, Karen let out another whimper. I pressed another kiss to her chilly forehead and smiled gently at her. Her blue eyes, so dead looking now, fluttered upwards towards mine.

"We're here for you, honey," I whispered. "We're not going to let you die."

"I want to," she told me. "That's why I cut them."

I hugged her even closer this time, biting my lip so hard to keep back my own sobs that I felt the metallic tang of blood in my mouth. God, there was blood _everywhere_. Karen's head sagged against my chest and I rocked for a bit, once more at a loss for words. Suddenly, I straightened up and pulled her away from my body. Karen's head rolled a little, her eyes drooping like she was exhausted and about to fall asleep.

"Come on, Karen," I told her gently. "Stay awake, all right? Don't go to sleep."

"I want to sleep _forever_," she said, her voice sounding like she was drunk. I swallowed hard. "Why can't you all just _leave me alone?_"

"Sorry, Karen," I told her. She began to cry weakly again. "We love you too much to let you do that."

"You're selfish."

"Yes." I brushed her hair back away from her forehead a couple of times. I hated the way the blood that had been smeared into it felt when my fingers brushed against it. I wanted to dunk her into a bathtub and erase all her hurt with a bit of soap and water. "We're very selfish. We want you to live so that we can keep on loving you."

"No," she whispered. "You don't want to love me. Nobody wants to love me anymore."

"Why would you say that?"

"Kristy left me. Every time I tried to tell her what was going on, she was never there to listen." Karen shook her head. "Nobody ever has the time for me."

"I'm so sorry, Karen. I'm so sorry that he hurt you." A few tears began to run down my cheeks. "I wish I could've been there to stop him."

"Me, too," she whispered and let her eyes fall shut.

I started to panic, but just at that moment, David Michael and Emily Michelle burst back into the room, followed by a pair of paramedics. The first, a short blonde haired woman knelt down in front of Karen.

"Karen, honey. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Karen shook her head. "I don't want to."

"She's responsive," the paramedic said softly to her partner, a tall black man. "All right, Karen. We're going to go on a ride in the ambulance today. Who do you want to come with you?"

Karen opened her eyes lazily. "Stacey."

I swallowed roughly. This was too much like the last time I was in an ambulance, but I would have to do it.

**39**

"Thank you so much for everything," Mrs. Brewer told me when she arrived at the hospital. I let her hug me and said all of the right things. After my mother arrived, I slipped back into Karen's room while the adults talked. I sat down on the edge of her bed.

"How are you feeling?" I asked. She didn't look at me.

"You should've just left me alone," she whispered.

"You _really_ want to die?" I asked her in return. She let out a soft whimper.

"What _choice_ do I have?" She looked at me, tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm disgusting. I feel like such a _freak_. Everyone at school is talking about their first periods and I've _already_ had sex now. I'm such a _slut_."

"_No_," I said forcefully and she flinched. "No, you are _not_."

"How would _you_ know?" she asked, her voice cracking as she began to cry. "You have _no_ idea how I feel. You'll never know!"

"Karen, I was almost raped several times and just barely escaped," I told her. Her eyes went wide, but she didn't say anything. I sighed and resolved to keep going. "Karen, I got involved with a guy who decided that it's all right to hit me. I tried to get out of it, but he beat me up the first time. When I came home for Christmas break, he called my phone over and over again, threatening to make my life miserable when I came back to school. And, he did. He definitely did. After that, he actually came to my mother's house and… well…"

"What did he do to you?" she asked, her eyes wide and wet with tears. I stared at her for a long time. I didn't want to tell her, but I did. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, but I knew that she knew a lot more than I had known at her age. I decided to go for it.

"He pinned me up against a wall, Karen. He put his hand down in my jeans and touched me there."

"Did it hurt?" she asked in a trembling voice.

I nodded. "Yes. He made it hurt. I know he did. When I tried to convince him to go, he just shoved in harder and more violently and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and die. It was so humiliating, especially when the rest of the girls discovered us."

"Did they think you wanted it?" Karen asked. "Seth told me that I wanted it, even though I didn't know it yet."

"They knew and Karen? Just because he says you want it, that doesn't mean you do. You have every right to say no," I told her. I was spouting phrases from domestic abuse and rape pamphlets like an old pro. "Teddy shouldn't have touched me and Seth shouldn't have touched you."

"Why did they say that to us then?" she asked, breaking down into tears. I quickly wrapped my arms around her. She couldn't hug me in return because her arms were wrapped in thick bandages and were in soft restraints to keep her from hurting herself again. I felt rage boil inside of me. They had driven us to this point of insanity and we were the ones being locked up and forced to do what we were told.

"I wish I knew," I told her. "When I figure it out, you'll be the first person I tell, all right?"

She laughed weakly through her tears. "Thanks, Stacey."


	40. I'm Letting Go

**Chapter 40: I'm Letting Go**

**Mallory**

_May 17_

_I'm feeling pretty lonely again. Jessi left school because it's too stressful on her body. I feel like I've lost most of my other friends since everyone either went to college last August or drifted away while I was trying to help Jessi through the car accident fall out. I wish I could just drop out and come back in the fall like Jessi is doing._

The biggest reason that I'm really pushing myself right now is because I want to get done. I haven't really told anyone outside of my teachers and my counselors at school, but I have been pushing myself extra hard so far in high school. Even while I was out so much following the accident, I was only falling behind on extra work. See, I'm actually nearly a year ahead of where everyone outside of school thinks I am. Besides P.E. credits, I could graduate this year.

I just don't know if I want to leave Jessi. Besides, I don't know if they'd let me leave early, what with those stupid gym credits. I certainly wasn't going to take gym classes over the summer to get ahead, either.

Anyways, it's been pretty lonely here at Stoneybrook High School. I know a handful of kids, but nobody well enough to actually hang out with a lot and really be able to call them my friends. I sit with a group of kids at lunch, but I'm more of an outsider to their group. We're all friendly and I know they like having me eat with them, but we're not friends. Not like Jessi and I are friends. Not like me and the girls of the old Baby-Sitter's Club are friends.

I really miss having friends like that in school with me.

**40**

"Mallory! Wait up!"

I turned to see who was calling my name. To my surprise, it was Jackie, Vanessa's friend. The two of them had been spending a lot of time together recently and it was really nice to see that they had seemed to have made up all of the lost time since Vanessa's accident. I was really glad to see my sister so happy and social now. I smiled at Jackie as she approached.

"Hey, Jackie. How are you?"

She grinned in return. "Good. So, I heard Vanessa is home sick today."

I nodded. "Yeah. She's got a cold and Mom decided to keep her home for today so that she could rest up. She gets sick a lot more easily since the accident and it's better if she just stays home and rests for a day than trying to tough it out at school. If she rests up, she gets better a lot faster. If she goes to school, she just drains her strength completely and ends up staying out of school a lot longer anyways."

Jackie nodded. "Well, I hope she feels better soon. I can give her a call tonight to check on her, right?"

I laughed. "Yeah, she's not on death's door."

Jackie grinned again. "So, I was wondering something. My parents gave me some money today so that Vanessa and I could go out after school for some pizza. Since she's not here, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me instead."

"Are you sure?" I asked. Jackie and I were friendly but I didn't think she really considered me a friend.

"Of course. We're friends, aren't we?"

I shrugged. "I thought you were just friends with my sister."

She shook her head. "No, I consider you my friend, too. So, come on. I don't want to do all of this mushy gushy stuff. Let's just go get some pizza."

I laughed and closed my locker door. "All right already. You don't have to tell me twice."

**40**

"Ew, I can't believe you like olives on your pizza!" Jackie shrieked with laughter. "That is so gross."

I grinned. "Oh, come on. I have seven brothers and sisters. In my family, you learn to like anything that's put down in front of you, especially when it's pizza."

"Yeah, but olives?" she asked, biting a mouthful of her cheese pizza. "Those are just plain disgusting."

I shrugged. "Not really. Want to try one?" Jackie shook her head in horror. I laughed. "Well, anyways, like I was saying, I guess I'm just accustomed to eating pretty much anything that is put on the pizza in front of me. Mom and Dad usually order two sheets so that there are leftovers for lunch the next day and maybe even a little for the next dinner and they try to mix things up so that everyone gets what they want at some point."

"Who likes the olives?" she asked. "Well, besides you?"

I took another bite of my pizza. "Mom loves olives. When she was pregnant with me, all she ever wanted was olives. She was like that Dr. Seuss book _Sam I Am_. She would eat them anywhere, on anything, at any given time. She even loved all the different varieties."

"There are different varieties?" Jackie asked, looking repulsed.

I giggled. "Yeah, but don't worry. I'll tell her to hide the pantry devoted to olives whenever you come over."

"There is no such pantry, Mallory Pike. God wouldn't be so cruel to me."

"Well, I'm not surprised you've never seen it," I said, taking an extra large bite of olive covered pizza and savoring her cringe. "It's in our family's secret crime fighting base. We're superheroes, you know."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "And I thought Vanessa had a weird imagination with all of her rhyming."

I leaned back against the booth's wooden back. "Actually, Adam was the one who tried to convince his friends at school that our family was a team of superheroes when he was in the third grade."

"Why he'd do that?"

"He was an eight year old boy," I said with a shrug. "Besides, whenever one of the kids at school tried to pick on him or one of the triplets about having such a big family, he'd threaten them with having a big family of superheroes and those kids usually shut up fast. Well, unless they tattled on him to the teacher, who sometimes called my parents if the kid was really upset."

"Did your parents ever do anything about it?"

I laughed. "No. They're pretty laid back, especially about something like that. I mean, it wasn't like he was hurting anyone and his threats were pretty outrageous anyhow, so it wasn't like there was any danger of him carrying anything out."

"What did he say?" Jackie asked.

"Well, our little sister Claire was only three at the time, but Adam told this one boy who was making fun of him that she could melt people just by touching them and that if he didn't leave Adam alone, he'd bring Claire in to melt him."

Jackie and I began laughing and soon were laughing too hard to say anything coherent. We rode it out and I had to dab at the corners of my eyes to catch the tears that had fallen from laughing so hard. Jackie slumped back again, panting.

"I haven't laughed so hard in weeks," she said. I sighed and looked down at the tabletop sadly. "Mallory?"

"I haven't laughed that hard in months," I said. "Not since before Jessi's accident. She's really the only one I could laugh with once my other friends went to college and after the accident… well, she really hasn't been in very good shape to laugh a lot like we used to do."

"She's getting better, right?" Jackie asked. "I heard she dropped out of school."

I nodded. "Yeah, but that's more of a precaution. Things have been stressful at school for her as well as at home, so everyone figured it would be best for her just to take it easy and finish out the school year at home."

"I heard she's not at home." I tilted my head in confusion. "Well, I mean since her parents are dead, she can't live there anymore."

"_Oh!_ No, she doesn't live in _that_ house anymore. She lives with our friend Kristy Thomas. Do you remember her? She was a senior last year."

Jackie shook her head. "Not really. Wasn't she class president or something?"

I nodded. "Yeah, she was. She's… well, she's been kind of sick, too," I said, feeling a little weird about my half-truth. "She was at home with Jessi, too, but she moved out to Seattle with her brother, Charlie. You wouldn't know him. He graduated years before she did."

"What's she sick with?" Jackie asked.

"I… I don't know if she wants me to talk about it with everyone," I said honestly, but once more feeling dishonest. I should probably just get off the topic of Kristy altogether. That way I wouldn't have to worry about telling lies or telling the truth. "Anyways, I haven't heard much about you so far."

Jackie shrugged. "My family's pretty boring compared to yours. What do you want to know?"

"Well, since I know nothing about your family, how about the basics to start?" I asked. I shrugged. "I know it sounds weird, but when you're raised in such a big family, family becomes such a big part of who you identify yourself as. I guess I just love hearing about everyone else's family because I love talking about my own family so much."

Jackie smiled. "All right, but be warned. We're kind of boring."

"I consider myself warned."

We giggled again before Jackie went on. "Well, I have one big sister who is 23. Mom and Dad had her when they were still in college, so Mom had to drop out while Dad finished up. Then once Dad had his degree, Mom finished hers. Since they were so busy trying to take care of Wendy and getting their education completed, they waited nearly six years before even thinking about trying for another kid. Two years after they started trying, I came along. By then, Dad had time to earn his Masters degree as well, so they were well off enough for Mom to stay at home until I was five and went to kindergarten."

I laughed. "My parents just started popping us out one after another. I think they only waited so that Mom wouldn't fall apart with having so many kids."

"That's a _little_ gross, Mal."

"Yeah, but those are my parents for you."

"_Anyways_," Jackie said, giving me a grin to show that she didn't mind my little interruption, "when I turned seven, my mom got pregnant again and gave birth to my little brother James. He's eight now and so my sister and I like to tease him that Mom could be having another baby at any time now since my parents seemed to like having their kids seven or eight years apart."

"He doesn't want a little brother or sister?" I asked.

Jackie shook her head. "No. He likes being the baby. I think we all did, especially since there's a big age gap between all of us. I mean, after a couple years, Wendy started to like being a big sister and so did I a couple years after James was born. I think he's the same way."

"Are you parents thinking about having another kid?" I asked and Jackie shrugged.

"I'm not sure," she said honestly. "I mean, Mom's still young enough to have another kid. Well, more than one, but since they love waiting so long between kids, they'd really only have time for one more. They won't really say if they want another kid or not, though." She took a bite of pizza and chewed on it thoughtfully for a minute or so. "Although, I don't think James is the only one who doesn't want Mom and Dad to have another baby."

"You _don't_?" I asked. "I think I'd love it if Mom and Dad decided to have another kid. Well, if we could _afford_ another kid. We're always strapped for money, having so many kids and all."

"Oh, not me," Jackie said. "I'd love to have another baby brother or a baby sister. It's Wendy who isn't too keen on the idea. Dad was joking around with Mom the other night when Wendy came home to visit- she lives in Vermont with her fiancée- about having another baby and Wendy got all upset about it and wouldn't say why." Jackie sighed and shook her head. "I think she's worried how it will look if Mom has another baby now that Wendy is 23."

"Why should it matter how old your sister is?" I asked in confusion. "It's not like she's still an infant and it'll be impossible to care for two little babies at the same time."

"Well, I think she and Bill are trying to get pregnant," Jackie told me quietly, as though the wrong person might overhear us. "I think she's worried that if Mom has a baby, her baby will have an aunt or an uncle who's his or her age."

I blinked. "That _is_ a little weird."

Jackie nodded. "Yeah, it is. Poor Wendy, though. I don't think Mom and Dad wouldn't listen to her even if she did tell them what was upsetting her."

"It wouldn't hurt to try," I ventured and she shook her head.

"You don't know my parents."

We sat in silence, thinking this over, until Jackie straightened in her seat and narrowed her eyes. I instantly turned around to see who she was looking at and wasn't at all surprised to see Cokie Mason making her way towards our table. I groaned.

"I have had about enough of her. I'm going to tell her once and for all to leave us the hell alone," I told Jackie as I turned back around. Jackie nodded at me and set her jaw resolutely.

I got myself all riled up and readied my speech by the time Cokie reached our table, but when she got there nothing came out. I couldn't even open my mouth when I saw the look on her face.

"Can I sit down?" she asked softly.

Jackie shot me a baffled look. I nodded silently and slid down the bench so that she could take a seat next to me. Cokie sat down softly and bent her head to stare at the tabletop. I cleared my throat after a minute.

"What are you doing here, Cokie?"

She sighed. "I wanted to talk to you guys."

"About what?" Jackie asked carefully. Cokie looked up at her.

"I've been a bitch to both of you and I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

Jackie and I shot one another shocked looked. "Are you kidding?" I asked.

Cokie shook her head. "I'm not. I really have been awful to you guys and Mallory, you know why. I know that I've never gotten along with you since middle school, but the reason I was so much worse this year was because I was really angry that I got left behind." She looked down again and began to pick at her nails. "I was stupid. I spent more time partying and hanging out with my friends that studying and when I ended up failing everything, I thought it was the school's fault for not understanding what being a teenager was like. It took me until you finally yelled at me, Mallory, to realize that it really was my fault."

"I'm sorry I did that," I said, suddenly feeling ashamed. "I shouldn't have embarrassed you like that."

Cokie looked up and shook her head. "No, you're wrong. If you hadn't, maybe I'd still be blaming the school and get held back again. Or maybe just expelled or something. I've been working my ass off since then and I will get to graduate this year if I keep up the hard work."

"Wow, Cokie," I breathed. "I _did_ that for you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess you did." She smiled hesitantly. "Look, I know we'll probably never end up being friends, but I wanted to let you know that you really did something for me, even though you didn't realize it. I wanted to thank you for that and I guess I want to thank you for this as well."

I laughed and her smile grew more confident. "You're thanking me for being able to thank me?"

"Yeah, isn't that weird? Ever since my parents were divorced when I was in the fourth grade, I've always thought that I deserved everything good that happened to me and everything bad that happened was just the universe dumping on me." She shook her head. "I guess my Dad should've used all of his money he made by working all the time on some therapists when I was little and I wouldn't have had so many problems."

"How come you seem so… insightful?" Jackie asked quietly. Cokie shrugged.

"After Mallory said those things to me, I went to the guidance counselor and told her that I wanted to do whatever it took to graduate this year. After we had talked about things for a little while, she recommended a therapist for me to see and we've been working out some things." Cokie grinned. "I know it's pretty unbelievable to you guys that I could do such a completely personality change, but I kind of had to. Otherwise, I'd be stuck at Stoneybrook High until I got kicked out and would just bounce around, never thinking anything was my fault and just ruining my life more and more."

I blushed. "I didn't help you that much, Cokie. You did that."

"You started it," she said. "Thanks."

She got up quickly and left before Jackie and I could make sense of what had just happened. Finally, Jackie turned to me.

"Mallory, you're _amazing_."

**40**

"I'm telling you, Vanessa, it's _true_. Cokie Mason _apologized_ to your sister and me," Jackie said as Vanessa rolled her eyes. I shrugged.

"Just drop it, Jackie."

"Aw, come _on_, Mallory. Aren't you at _all_ proud of yourself?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I was kind of a bitch to her. That's the only way I got her turned around. I mean, I didn't need to be so nasty to her, did I?"

Jackie sighed. "Maybe not, but think about what you did for her. Cokie Mason is a whole new person now."

"That's a very Machiavellian point of view, isn't it?" Vanessa asked and Jackie groaned.

"What have I told you about the inappropriate use of vocabulary words?" she asked and Vanessa grinned. I shook my head.

"No, she used it right."

"She meant not to use big words outside of school," Vanessa said and the two of them laughed at my expression. I closed my mouth and shook my head again.

"Do you think Cokie Mason is really changed?" I asked again and finally Vanessa looked at me seriously.

"Maybe she is. Why does it matter so much to you?"

I raised my hands, unsure of what to think or what to do. "I feel like if she can make such a huge change, shouldn't I be able to make such a huge change, too?"

"You're not nasty like Cokie is… well, used to be," Jackie amended.

"Yeah, but shouldn't I be able to change the things I don't like about myself, too?"

"Like what?" Vanessa asked gently.

"Well, like the fact that I hold grudges," I said. "And I don't always stand up for myself. And I let myself get talked into doing things that I don't want to do."

"Everyone does those things, Mallory," Jackie said dismissively.

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean that it's OK!"

"Fine, Mallory," Vanessa said soothingly. "What would you change if you could?"

"What about what will I change?" I rephrased my sister. "That way I have to do it instead of just saying what I would do in theory." She nodded. "OK. I think that I would like to be more honest with myself. I'm always trying to lie to myself to make things better or easier, even if I know they're wrong. I try to talk myself around things just so that I don't have to feel bad about doing something."

"That's a good one," my sister agreed. Jackie cleared her throat.

"I'd like to be more honest to other people. I always hide my feelings from everyone else, even if you guys don't think I do. I don't let people know when I'm upset and I don't let people in all the time."

"Me neither," Vanessa said.

We all looked at one another and burst into nervous laughter. The rest of the afternoon grew increasingly more comfortable as we began to trust one another more and more with our own problems and faults. It felt a little weird, especially at first, as though we were in some kind of bizarre group therapy. We even joked about it throughout the afternoon, too, but I think as we become more at ease with each other, it stopped feeling so much like a forced activity.

By the time Jackie went home for dinner, I felt as if a huge load had been lifted from my shoulders. I had admitted my faults to more than just myself and they were more than just a passing thought that I pushed aside so that it wouldn't worry me so much. Now that they were out in the light and now that other people knew about them, I could actually do something about them. This is what my therapist, Anna, had been telling me all along, but something that I had never been able to really do with her. I trusted her, but I guess I never trusted her enough to really let her in.

She'd be proud of me the next time I saw her. I could go in and finally tell her what I could let go of and what I could work on improving. The best part would be that I was going to be completely honest with her instead of just halfway honest like I had been for so many months.

It felt good already.


	41. I Can't Help Falling in Love With You

**Chapter 41: I Can't Help Falling in Love with You**

**Dawn**

_May 30_

_Dear Mary Anne,_

_I have such a story to tell you, but it's really hard to try and tell it to you like a typical story. Trust me, I tried. There's a mound of crumpled up paper waiting for the recycling bin sitting next to my desk. So, instead of trying again, in which case my brain may __**actually**__ explode, I'm just going to send this to you through a series of notes, bits of journal entries, some actual story, etc. At the end, I'll try to tie it all together for you, just in case you still didn't understand. All right. Cue the lights, camera, ACTION!_

_May 3_

_Dad got a promotion and a huge raise! He made me bring Alan home with me so that we could all celebrate. He even popped open a bottle of champagne and let Alan and me each have a glass. Jeff tried to get a glass from him, too, but Dad just laughed and wouldn't let him have a drop. It was kind of funny, but when Jeff stormed off to his room and slammed the door so hard that one of the paintings in the hallway fell down, Alan chased after him and did some damage control. It was great. Watching Alan, I mean. He convinced Jeff to chill out and even convinced my dad to give Jeff a glass of champagne as well. Nobody said anything when Jeff took one sip then carefully made sure not to touch the glass again._

"Dawn, your father is the right guy to go to if you want a feast," Alan said, puffing his cheeks out like a chipmunk. I giggled.

"This was only our family. You should've seen the party he put on when I graduated from high school. I made him donate the leftovers to the local food shelter, he got so insane about things."

Alan raised an eyebrow. "Your dad's kind of loaded, huh?"

"Yeah, and you're only friends with me because my daddy has money, aren't you?"

We both burst into laughter. Alan shook his head. "Well, it's certainly not because of your looks because… well, let's be honest here. Dawn, you're a _dog_."

I socked his arm pretty hard and I could tell by his expression that it actually did hurt. He covered it up pretty quick and went into the fake, simpering whines of pain and I immediately went over to coddle him.

"Poor little _baby_," I cooed. "I'm _so_ sorry. I wouldn't have hit you so hard, but us dog girls don't have a lot of control over how hard we hit boys who are butt faces."

"Original _and_ mature," Alan quipped and hopped away from my next swing, which was a lot softer than the first one.

We walked silently for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts. We had finished eating as much food as we possibly could from Dad's Buffet of Buffets (as he liked to call it) and were trying to walk some of it down so that we wouldn't end up puking it all up later. It was completely disgusting, I know, but we really had eaten way too much. Besides, the weather was nice and the company was pleasant, so I had no complaints. It was also nice to stroll in my home neighborhood, seeing the people I grew up with when I was a little girl, and having a good friend from my other home by my side. Overall, I just felt as happy and content as I could be.

_**Dawn**_

_**Your dad called. He said he had some kind of important news for you. He wants you to call him back ASAP.**_

_**Oh, and did you borrow my comb? I can't find it anywhere.**_

_**Patrice**_

The phone rang three times before someone finally answered. I was just about ready to hang up when my stepmother's voice chirped hello into the phone. I smiled.

"Hi, Carol. It's Dawn."

"Hi, Dawn!" she said, sounding a lot happier to hear from me than she usually was. Don't get me wrong, we don't hate each other or anything, but she was perky today. "You're in luck! Your dad's right here!"

"Wait, Carol, how-"

"Sunshine!"

I sighed. Sometimes, it was just no use trying to understand these people. "Hi, Daddy. Patrice told me you called."

"Excellent. She's a great roommate, isn't she?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, we get along pretty well. Why?"

"All right, Dawn. No more beating around the bush." Dad paused dramatically. I rubbed my brow, feeling a headache coming on. "You're getting your own apartment!" I didn't say anything. "Dawn? Are you still there, honey?"

"Yes, Dad. Wow. I mean, how can we afford this? I thought we were struggling with the dorm as it is."

Dad laughed cheerfully. "Remember that raise I got?"

I gasped. "No way. There's no way you got a raise that huge!"

"I absolutely did!"

I shrieked and probably did my father's hearing yet another offence. "I can't believe this! My own apartment! Where is it? Did you already pick it out? Can I buy the furniture? Does it come with furniture? How big-"

"Dawn, calm down a minute," he said. Easy for him to say. He's the one who built up all of this excitement and was now trying to get me to chill out. "I haven't picked it out yet, but there are a few that we're going to choose between. I wanted you to make the final decision since you're the one living there."

"Thank you, Daddy!"

_May 7_

_Dad is making me decide between five different apartments, but there are really only two that I'm deciding between. Apartment one has a totally awesome bedroom/bathroom suite. It's amazing. The rest of the apartment (including a tiny little bedroom off the living room) is pretty nice, but nothing compared to those two rooms. I think Dad is kind of leaning away from that one because he's worried that I'll just use my apartment as a brothel or something. He's so weird sometimes._

_The second apartment is the one that I will probably end up getting. It has three bedrooms instead of two, which means I could split the apartment with three people if Dad would let me. I think he wants me to live in it all by myself, but I'm not so sure that I want to yet. I've never lived on my own before and I' m still kind of wary about doing it. I was kind of hoping, at the very least, that Patrice could move in with me and split the rent and Dad could use the other half of the rent to set aside money for an apartment for Jeff when he gets ready to go off to college. _

_Maybe I'll bounce it off of Alan before I try it out on Dad._

"Alan?"

"Mm-hm?" he asked, slurping down his fizzy soft drink as he flipped through the pages of a motorcycle magazine. I didn't realize he liked motorcycles, but maybe it was just a phase.

"Do you think my dad would be OK if I asked him to let me share my new apartment with someone?"

Alan raised his eyes from his magazine to me. "You're asking someone to move in with you?"

I shrugged. "Well, I wanted to know if you thought my Dad would be all right with it."

"Who's the person?"

"Does it matter, Alan?"

"Of course it matters!" he said with a laugh. "Do you really think he won't get upset if you ask him to let me move in with you."

My mouth dropped open. _Crap_. I thought we had decided to forget that day and just act like none of the kissing and none of the "I love you" stuff had happened. Alan's face mimicked mine as soon as he realized what had just happened.

"I was just saying… I mean, as a hypothetical…"

"Right, of course," I laughed awkwardly and he smiled. We watched one another and Alan looked away.

"Look, Dawn, I gotta run. I have to get back to work. Call me tonight or something?"

I nodded, knowing that my face was bright red, and waited for him to leave before letting out a groan and flopping down onto the table.

_**May 10**_

_**Patrice,**_

_**Want to move in with me? Dad and I made the deposit and the apartment is mine. Of course, it's awfully lonely with two empty bedrooms and only me in here. When do you think you could catch a flight out here?**_

_**Dawn**_

_**May 11**_

_**Dawn,**_

_**I'll be out there tomorrow afternoon. This apartment is going to be a godsend. My parents' divorce… well, let's just say that setting up house with you will be a lot more emotionally stable than living with them.**_

_**Patrice**_

"Don't push so hard!" Patrice shrieked and let her end of the bed down with a loud thump. I rolled my eyes at her and my dad and brother shoved us out of the way.

"This is why we're going to move everything," Jeff said and I swatted his butt with a rolled up newspaper.

Patrice and I went back into my bedroom (since all of my living room furniture had been moved into the third bedroom until Patrice and I could figure out what we wanted to put where and what to put in my dad's storage locker). I flopped down onto my bed while Patrice perched on my computer chair. I sighed.

"This is going to take forever, isn't it?" I asked.

"Dawn?" Patrice asked, ignoring my question. I nodded.

"What are we going to do with the third bedroom?"

I rolled over onto my stomach to look at her. I stared her in the eye.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, do you want to make it into a spare room, a guest bedroom, a sewing room, a gift wrapping room, a-"

"OK, I get the idea," I interrupted her. "I don't know yet. Let's just see how the rest of the apartment looks first, all right? I don't want to set up a sewing room in there and then find out that we've got all these extra bar stools or something."

"I have an idea of what we could put in there," she said. I nodded.

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm. Alan Gray."

I sat up. "Patrice! Are you kidding me? My dad would kill me if I asked a guy to move in with me."

"Correction, _us_ and he'd be moving into his _own_ bedroom. Besides, there are two bathrooms in this kick ass apartment anyways. He can take the little one and we can share the big one."

"Patrice, that's not the point."

"He'd be nice to have around, especially as protection. I've never lived alone and I know you haven't either. That's why you asked me to move in. I think we'd both feel better if we had a big, strong man around."

"Yeah, well, I don't know how keen my father would be on the idea."

"What idea?"

I jumped and Patrice got to her feet and got her mouth moving before I could.

"Mr. Shafer, I was just telling Dawn that it would be a great idea if we could have another person move in with us." I could see Jeff roll his eyes. He was no doubt imagining moving another helpless girl into the apartment. "I was thinking about our friend Alan Gray. He's a great guy and he would really make us feel a lot more secure around the apartment, knowing that he's here."

"Patrice!" I tried to cut her off. Dad glanced at me for a moment before returning his attention to my roommate.

"He's a great guy and I think it'd be good for him, too. His parents don't have a lot of money and he's living out here by working way more than he should. It would be nice to cut him a break, especially after all he's down for us, especially Dawn."

To my amazement, my father nodded thoughtfully. "Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask him. Why don't you, Dawn? He's a nice kid."

I opened my mouth, but no words would come out. How was this happening?

_**May 18**_

_**Dawn**_

_**We're out of milk again.**_

_**Alan**_

_**Alan**_

_**Buy some freakin' milk.**_

_**Dawn**_

_**Dawn**_

_**You're the woman.**_

_**Alan**_

_**Alan**_

_**Make me mad enough and I could make you one, too.**_

_**Dawn**_

_**Dawn**_

_**Milk's in the fridge. I hope soy is all right.**_

_**Alan**_

Alan and I were up late, watching old movies on the TV. They weren't any that either one of us had ever heard of before, but we were too bored to change the channel to anything better. Alan was sitting on one end of the couch and I was sprawled at the other. I yawned.

"Bedtime?" Alan asked. I shook my head.

"It's too early."

"Dawn, it's midnight."

I shrugged. "I like to stay up late on summer break."

He smiled at me fondly. I returned the smile and let it slide off my face the moment I realized what I had done. I looked away from him quickly. He sighed and climbed to his feet. "Come on, Dawn. Bedtime."

"Nope. I'm not tired yet."

"You're yawning. Come on. Get up. Don't make me carry you."

I looked up at him and grinned. "You wouldn't dare!"

He moved faster than I expected him to and scooped me off the couch and into his arms. Scared he'd drop me, I flung my arms around his neck instead of batting at him to let me down, and let him carrying me into my bedroom. When he had me over my bed, I kicked and swatted a little bit, to let him know that I was still going to fight him, before he dropped me.

"Alan, I'm just going to get right back up again," I told him with a naughty little girl grin. He shook his head.

"No, you're not."

I started to sit up and found myself underneath him, his legs straddled over either side of my hips. I tried to squirm away, laughing hysterically as he tickled my ribs. It was a good thing Patrice was out late with some friends from school, otherwise I'd feel bad about being so noisy. I felt my shirt ride up and stopped moving. Alan blushed.

"Sorry," he said, reaching down to fix it for me. His fingers grazed my ribs then my stomach as he moved the thin fabric back down. By the time it was in place, my heart was pounding and my breath was coming in quick little gasps and not from our tickling fight. I looked up at his face.

"Alan?" I asked, feeling my face heat up as I did. He licked his lips nervously.

"Remember when I told you I didn't want you to spend time with Roger?" he asked. I nodded as he bent down to rest his hands on either side of my head. I could feel his breath hot on my face. "Do you remember why I said I didn't want you to?"

"Because you loved me," I whispered. He nodded.

"I still do, Dawn."

I reached up and touched his face gently with one of my hands. I ran a finger down his cheek then over his lower lip. "Alan, remember when I didn't stop you?" He nodded. "Do you want to know why?"

"I think I already do," he said, starting to lower his face, but I stopped him with my fingers. He stilled. "Why?"

"I can't help this, Alan," I told him. "I didn't want to fall for you, I really didn't. I tried not to, especially when we became friends and we started spending so much time together. I don't know why I never realized who you were in Stoneybrook, but I'm glad you came here."

"Say it, Dawn," he urged.

"I love you, too, Alan Gray," I whispered then giggled.

He lowered his face and touched his lips to mine. Unable to wait through soft, cautious touches, I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled his face down so that the kiss was harder and more demanding. This time, I was the one who forced his lips open with my tongue and I was the one exploring him. His mouth was hot and tasted like nachos and sugar, but I kept probing inside. I felt his fingers ghost down my ribs and rest on the bottom of my shirt. I pulled away from him, breathless. Looking up into his eyes, I nodded and felt his hand graze up my bare skin, leaving goose bumps behind.

"I love you, Alan!" I shouted.

We burst into laughter instead of making out more hot and heavy, as I'm sure we were supposed to do. Suddenly, Alan pulled away from me. I sat up and pouted.

"You only wanted me to say I love you and now you're leaving me?" I demanded as he raced out of my bedroom.

"Give me a minute!" he called.

I nodded and sat up. I looked in the mirror. My hair was mussed up and not in a good way. I frantically tried to comb through it with my fingers. Then I smelled my shirt, trying to decide whether it would be worth it to put a new one on. God, I think I needed a shower, too. Maybe even a quick shave.

There was a knock at the door. I hadn't even noticed him shut it. I pulled off my t-shirt quickly and got up on my knees, trying to look sexy.

"Come in," I called.

When he came into the room, there wasn't anything that could stop the two of us from laughing ourselves completely breathless.

Somehow, and I don't really want to know the details, Alan had managed to construct a slinky little black nightie and had slipped out of the room to change into it. He must've remembered what I told him about trusting Roger so much that I wanted to show him this sexy little number. It was an incredibly endearing gesture, but at the time, an incredibly hilarious one. By the time I managed to catch my breath, I crawled over to where Alan had slumped down on the corner of my bed. I kissed his lips gently.

"This is why I couldn't help falling in love with you," I told him.

"And it's why I didn't have a chance against you," he whispered back.

_So, Mary Anne, there it is. I won't go into what we did after the slinky nightie, but I'm sure you can work it out on your own._

_Don't be surprised if Alan comes home with me when Kristy has her baby. Don't be surprised, too, if this ends up being a lot more serious than it seems like it is right now. I have a feeling there's a lot more to Alan that I still have yet to discover._

_Love Your Sister,_

_Dawn_


	42. Colors Break Into Shades

**Chapter 42: Colors Break Into Shades**

**Shannon**

_June 3_

_There's no point in hiding my diary anymore. Everyone knows what it says. Matt, Matt, __**Matt**__. I miss Matt. __**I love Matt**__. I really screwed things up with Matt._

Ever since I got home, I've been doing everything I can think of to get my mind off of Matt. After talking about him for nearly a week straight, my sisters threatened to kill me unless my parents intervened. I honestly didn't blame them. Any of them. Who wanted to listen to me mope around about how stupid and pathetic I was? God, even I was getting sick and tired of listening to myself.

So, in an effort to feel better, I set about on a mission to get active and forget Matt.

**42**

_**May 15**_

"Shannon Kilbourne?"

I jumped out of my seat with my hand held out in front of me. My new manager at Stewie's Whopping Burgers smiled, even though she looked a little startled. She took my hand gently and gave it a soft shake.

"Hi, Shannon, my name's Brenda. We met a couple days ago when you interviewed for the job, remember?"

I nodded. "Of course. I'm great with names and faces."

She smiled. "Well, that's good. This is a small town burger joint, not some McDonald's, so a lot of our customers know us personally. We like to keep as many of them on a first name basis as possible. It helps with sales if the costumers know that they can count on having a meal where they can chat with the wait staff and kitchen staff. It's good business." I nodded enthusiastically. "Normally, we start new people in the back, helping to clean counters and wash utensils and things like that, but since you said you really like being around people, we're going to put you on a limited waitress detail tonight."

"Limited?" I asked, confused.

Brenda smiled. "You'll be shadowing Nicole tonight for the first three hours, then you'll have two tables of your own for the next two hours." She patted my arm in a friendly fashion. "If it gets at all overwhelming, just let me know."

I smiled. "Thanks, Brenda. I will."

_42_

I didn't, especially when I saw the boy who I thought looked exactly like Matt. I almost tripped over my too tight, bright white sneakers with the little grinning faces of Stewie the Clown. Instead, I just stumbled up against one of the other waitresses, who shot me a dirty look and dragged me aside.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"I tripped," I sputtered.

"Yeah and got this crap all over the back of my shirt!" she snapped, spinning around to show me. My mouth dropped open at the sight of red ketchup and yellow mustard staining her normally pristinely white shirt. She turned back around. "What are you going to do about it?"

I shrugged. "I'm sorry?"

"Think again, blondie."

_42_

"How come your shirt is so messy?"

I looked down at the little girl who clearly thought that she was cute when she asked me that through her missing front teeth. I sighed tiredly.

"I spilled ketchup and mustard on it."

"Down the back?" she asked. I shrugged and looked helplessly at her father. He smiled.

"Uh, come on, honey. What do you want to eat for dinner?"

"I don't want her to give me my burger," the little girl said. "She's messy and she looks like she'll drop it on the floor."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"_I don't have to tell you that!_" the little girl shrieked like a banshee. I almost clapped my hands over my ears as half the restaurant turned to stare in horror at the noise this little demon was making. "_You're a stranger!_"

"I'll come back," I mumbled and walked away as her father tried to calm her down.

_42_

"Shannon, you're a nice girl, but I don't think this is going to work out."

I sighed. "I don't think so either, Brenda. I'm sorry I wasted your time."

Brenda smiled tiredly. "Oh, well. All I can do is try and hope, right?"

**42**

_**May 23**_

"I can't tell you how excited I am to welcome you to the Sunnydale Animal Shelter, Shannon!" Dirk Trenchhorn said. I mourned silently for his horrible name. "We don't usually have enough volunteers, despite the fact that everyone just seems to _love_ animals, so it's always great whenever we have someone who is willing to follow through."

I smiled. "Well, I'm home for the summer and I had the time to volunteer, so I figured that it would be a great way for me to make a good use of my time."

"I completely agree with you," he said. "Come on. Let me show you where you'll be working."

I followed him into one of the kennels and was surprised to see that this was where they kept the cats. I, for one, wasn't exactly a cat person. I liked dogs a lot better than I liked cats, but I suppose working with cats, especially for a good cause, wasn't going to be all that bad. In fact, it would probably be fun. Dirk smiled at me.

"Oh, here's Matt, he's in charge of the feline kennels," Dirk said.

I whipped my head around so fast I thought I might get whiplash. _My Matt_? No. The Matt standing in front of me wasn't as handsome or as sweet looking as _my_ Matt was. In fact, he kind of looked like one of the older, more sour cats in this smelly old place. Dirk shook my hand again and left me with the Matt who wasn't _my_ Matt

"Shannon, right?" I nodded reluctantly. "You're going to help me clean cages out."

"_What?_" I asked, feeling a little ashamed by the way my voice squeaked up at the end of that word. Matt raised an eyebrow.

"You're a _volunteer_. You're here to _help_," he said once Dirk was clearly out of earshot. "So, you're not going to be doing the glittery stuff like handing puppies and kittens to little orphans or whatever bubbly little fantasy _dream_ you've got going on in that little blonde head of yours."

I bit my lip hard. I didn't want to sink to his level by informing him that this little blonde head was a pre-med student who made the dean's list at Harvard University. I forced myself to nod.

"_Sure_."

"So, anyways, you're going to help me clean out the cages now."

I tried to not to groan aloud. Dirk must've seen the expression on my face anyways. He pointed towards one of the cages.

"Why don't you start with that one?"

I stomped over to the cage with the biggest and meanest looking cat was crouched down in. Without waiting for some stupid move by move instruction manual from Nasty Matt, I undid the fastener on the cage door and opened it up.

I was knocked to the floor after a flurry of claws and furs and knocked my head against the concrete. The last thing I remember before passing out was Nasty Matt swearing up a storm as he came running towards me.

_42_

"Oh my God, Shannon!" my mother gasped. "What happened to you!"

I sighed and looked down at the ground. Thank God my little sisters were still in school. "I had an accident at the kennel."

"You look like you were _mauled_! I'm calling our lawyer!"

I grabbed her wrist before she could get up. "_No_, Mom! It's OK! I'm not _mauled_. I just got scratched up by a cat."

"Those look infected."

"I went to the hospital. They're all cleaned out. I didn't even need any stitches."

"How come you needed to go to the hospital?" she asked, turning white.

Crap.

"I hit my head."

"Oh, my _God_, are you sure you don't have brain damage?" she gasped.

I sighed tragically. "You know, I think I'm coming down with a touch of it right now."

"Shannon, don't _joke_ with me now. This is _serious_."

I smiled at my mother even though it made the scratch across my lip hurt. "I know, Mom. I'm fine, though. I promise. I hit my head and was unconscious for a little while, but they tested me for everything and I'm perfectly fine. Except for a few scratches, of course."

"How did you get home? Did they let you drive the BMW?"

"Abby picked me up at the hospital and drove me home," I said. "Daddy's car is still at the animal shelter."

Mom sighed. "Do you mind calling Abby? I don't want your father to come home, especially after he let you have the car today, and find out that you left it at the animal shelter. He'll freak out."

I nodded tiredly and began to trudge upstairs. "I'm on my way, Mom."

**42**

_**May 31**_

"Shannon?"

I opened my eyes. I had been trying to take a nap for the past twenty minutes. I had been unsuccessful so far, but I knew that, sooner or later, I'd pass out. I rolled over.

"What?" I called back.

"Can you come downstairs, honey?"

I sighed. Of course I had to go downstairs. All I asked of my family was that they just leave me alone. I'd leave them alone, too. I wouldn't mope to them about Matt and they wouldn't demand I act like my old self again. So far, they weren't holding up their end of the deal very well at all.

I slide into the living room. My mother and father were seated on the couch and, to my surprise, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer were seated on the love seat. I glanced between them anxiously.

"Did something bad happen?" I asked, preparing myself for the worst. Kristy's stepfather smiled and shook his head.

"Oh, no, Shannon. Of course not." He looked at my dad, who nodded his head. "Shannon, we were wondering if you would like to do us a huge favor."

I shrugged. "What kind of favor?"

"Kristy's still having a hard time," Mr. Brewer said carefully. "Charlie says that she doesn't go out of the apartment much anymore and that she just seems to sit around. We talked to your parents about it and, if you're willing to, we'd love it if you could fly out to Seattle for a week or so and just spend some time with Kristy. She probably misses all of her friends. She left Stoneybrook before everyone came home from college."

I thought about it for a minute before nodding slowly. "Yeah, that would be a good idea. I lost both of my jobs this summer… I could use a break from Stoneybrook, too." I smiled at Mom. "I've never been to Seattle before, either."

"Kristy seems to like it out there," Mrs. Brewer said. "Well, she seems to like the city and the climate and all of that. Maybe you two could do some sight seeing. I think Kristy is kind of reluctant to do much outside of the apartment because of the baby." She smiled at my mother. "We were kind of hoping you might like to ride home on the airplane with her, too, and save us the extra cost of flying someone else out of there to escort her home."

I smiled. For the first time since I had come home for the summer, I was starting to feel a little better about things.

"I think I could arrange a few things," I said happily.

**42**

_**June 6**_

"Kristy!" I called as I got out of the cab.

Kristy definitely looked pregnant. Quite a bit more pregnant than the last time I had seen her. She carried herself differently, too. However, the smile on her face wasn't any different. The moment I called out her name, her face lit up. She hurried over to me and wrapped her arms around as best she could with her pregnant belly between us. The cab driver turned off the car and climbed out to begin unloading my luggage.

Kristy nestled her head against my shoulder blade. I almost laughed when I realized I had forgotten how small she was.

"God, Shannon, I've _missed_ you!" she sighed. I could hear the sudden longing and sadness in her voice and pressed her head against my chest in a protective gesture.

"We've missed you, too, Kristy," I said honestly. She snuffled almost inaudibly. "How have you been?"

"Not so good."

"Ma'am?"

I pulled away from her hurriedly. The cab driver held out his hand expectantly and I handed him the wad of bills I had already counted out during the ride over. Since he had been nice enough to hold a pleasant conversation, helped me load my things, and was polite, I included a pretty big tip for him as well. The way I figured things, if someone in the service industry did a good job of making you feel comfortable and at ease, they deserved the extra tip money.

After I had paid him, I picked up my book bag (Charlie had come downstairs and was already taking my two suitcases into the house) and followed Kristy into the apartment building. I was happy to find that the apartment building had an elevator and that the apartment was up several stories so that we had a decent view. Charlie helped get me set up in Kristy's bedroom (which was originally a spare bedroom) before excusing himself to go grocery shopping. I sat down on my sleeping bag after insisting that Kristy make herself comfortable up on her bed.

"Kristy, what's wrong?" I asked gently. She leaned forward and sighed.

"I don't know, Shannon," she said softly. "I'm doing the best I can, I swear. It's just that nothing is good enough. I'm always depressed and Charlie wants me to go and see a therapist, but I don't want to. I don't want to talk to some stranger about how crappy my life is right now. Especially since it's not like he can give me any anti-depressants to make me feel any better." She shook her head. "There's nothing I can do."

"Why don't you come back to Stoneybrook?" I asked. "Your friends are all home now and we could be there to help you with this. You wouldn't have to worry about telling a stranger about your worries. You could talk with us."

"I don't want to bother you guys," she said softly. She closed her eyes and slowly, and with a lot of effort, lay down on the bed with her back facing me. "I'm making everyone else miserable."

"Kristy, you know that's not true," I said.

"That's why everyone has been clamoring to talk me into coming back, isn't it?" she asked softly and I could tell that she was hurting deeply when she said it.

I looked down at the ground, lost for words. We did care about her, that was true, but she was right as well. We hadn't exactly been trying very hard to get her to come back and stay with us again. No wonder Kristy felt so down. It must seem to her like nobody in the world cared one way or another about her.

I looked back up at her still body, trying to decide whether or not I should comfort her. I didn't know what to say, though. I didn't know how to make this right. I didn't know if there was any way at all to make this right for her. I sighed softly and climbed to my feet.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me," I told her lamely before walking slowly out of the room.

**42**

"All right, well at least that's over," I told Kristy in an overly cheerful voice. She looked at me with watery eyes and a pale, sweaty face.

"Oh, _shut up_, Shannon," she moaned then promptly whipped around and threw up again in her doggy bag. I groaned and looked away while she dry heaved miserably into the paper bag. A flight attendant stopped next to my chair.

"Is your friend all right?" she asked gently.

"She's pregnant," I explained, though Kristy's round belly didn't need the explanation. "And, she gets airsick."

"Only when I'm pregnant," Kristy moaned, back up for air again. She smiled weakly at me. "Can we get out of here? I just want to get home."

I helped her with her bag as our flight attendant hurried off. I was about to comment to Kristy about how rude she was when she rushed back to us, carrying a bottle of ginger ale and a small baggie of crackers. She handed them to Kristy, who was still clutching an empty barf bag nervously.

"Here, these might help a little bit, honey."

Kristy nodded slightly. "Thank you."

"Enjoy Connecticut," she told us as she helped us off the plane and back into an airport. Kristy looked relieved almost instantly.

"Solid ground," she breathed and closed her eyes.

"Come on," I said, tugging her arm gently. "Your parents are here to pick us up and I don't think they want to wait four hours while you get reacquainted with solid ground again."

"I don't care what they want," she muttered, but let me lead her anyways.

I wasn't very surprised when everyone in Kristy's family was thrilled to see her again. I wasn't surprised when Karen held back, but eventually caved in and clutched at her big sister like she was afraid she was going to run off and leave her again if she didn't.

Mostly, though, I wasn't surprised when Kristy just kind of stood still and let them all do it. She didn't say much to any of them, though she did hold Karen a little tighter and a lot longer than the rest of them. Mostly, though, she just looked like one, big, doll who was just waiting to be told what to do and when to do it.


	43. How Did I Ever Fade Into This Life?

NOTE: This chapter is rated **M** for language.

**Chapter 43: How Did I Ever Fade Into This Life?**

**Kristy**

_June 12_

_Mary Anne visited yesterday. She brought over some baby clothes. I told my friends no baby shower, so everyone is just dropping by with things that they think the baby will like. I almost wonder if I might as well just have the party. At least then I'll get to have to some pizza and cake._

Stoneybrook has been weird since I got home.

My friends are all smiles and sunshine and happiness, even though I know Shannon is still moping around about her ex-boyfriend Matt and Claudia is having family problems. It's like everyone wants to pretend that they don't have any problems when they're around me because they're afraid that anymore bad stuff will just break me into a million pieces like humpty dumpty or something. I don't know what they think, to be honest.

Part of me really hates how fake it is that everyone is just so happy and so carefree when I know they're really not, but another part of me doesn't actually mind. It's kind of nice to sit with Stacey for a couple of hours and just talk about how Mrs. Newton is actually pregnant again (this is going to be her fifth child!) or how Stoneybrook High School is going to be remodeling the library with the money that this year's graduating class is leaving them with. It's nice not to talk about difficult, heavy things for a while, even if it does feel just a little bit too surreal for my taste.

My family has been completely beyond weird.

Mom and Watson are basically normal, which is a good thing. They're treating me the exact same way they treated me before I left. Nannie is, as well, though I can sense that she seems to be a little bit more protective of letting Grace get too close to me right now. I asked Mom about it when Nannie whisked Grace away from a couple days ago after we had been playing in the sandbox for a half hour. Mom thinks that Nannie is concerned that I acted too callous when I left, like I didn't care about the children, and is concerned that if I let one of the other kids get in close again while I'm still so depressed that I might hurt them, too.

Who knows. Maybe I _will_.

Jessi and Becca seem pretty normal, though they're doing the sunshine and butterflies thing a bit too much with me like the rest of my friends. I wanted to shake Jessi last night when she kept nodding and smiling and tell her that she was a part of our family already and she didn't need to worry about being my friend anymore. We were stuck together now, like it or not.

The kids are the ones who really have me wanting to look around corners whenever I venture out of my bedroom, the boys especially. I guess David Michael has taken to blaming me for Karen's breakdown, not blaming her bastard of a stepfather like he should. He's as much as told me to my face that if I hadn't left that she wouldn't have gotten so upset and wouldn't have broken down like she did. Of course, Benny and Andrew followed suit. Benny because he didn't know who to blame and since he wanted to stay on someone's good side, picked David Michael, and Andrew because he wasn't willing to admit to the fact that his stepfather had done such a thing to his sister yet.

Poor Emily Michelle got stuck in the middle. I knew that she was happy to see me home again and that she was eager to spend time with me now that I was here again, but I could also tell that her older brothers were leaning on her not to. I would've told them off, except that I didn't have the energy. Instead, I pretended not to notice whenever Emily Michelle abandoned me in the middle of a game or conversation whenever one of her brothers came in the room or whenever she deliberately refused to make eye contact with me during a family meal. I even told Mom to just let things go because I didn't want to have to start an even bigger battle in our family.

Karen, of course, was the weirdest.

After confessing to Mom and Jessi about the abuse and rape, Karen had become very quiet and withdrawn. She had even begun to avoid spending time with the rest of the kids like she usually did and stopped returning all of her phone calls from her friends. Basically, Karen was shutting everyone off and out of her life. I kept being told that this was normal, that this was a normal coping technique for children suffering from this kind of abuse, but it was still spooky watching Karen do a personality 180.

She was also my new shadow. She followed me around the house and seemed to find conversation inside of herself only for me. Usually, it was stilted and uncomfortable, so she usually fell quiet after a few minutes, but she made the effort with me and not with anyone else. I wanted to feel flattered, but mostly I felt guilty. She should hate me for leaving her all alone, to fend for herself and, yet, here she was, treating me like I was the only person to do anything right by her. I didn't know what to do or say to her, so I just let her follow me wherever I went and I let her keep me company as much as she wanted.

I wasn't sure who I was trying to make feel better more.

**43**

"Em, could you please pass me the remote?" I asked after struggling to lean forward towards the coffee table for nearly a minute. I slumped back against the couch and looked over at my little sister with raised eyebrows. She was staring back at me with equally round eyes. "Emily? Could you give me the remote, please?"

"_Don't_ do it," David Michael said in a chilly voice.

I snapped my eyes over to glare at him. "_Don't_ tell her what to do, David Michael. She can do what she wants to do."

"And, maybe she doesn't _want_ to wait on _your_ fat ass hand and foot," he growled. "Get the damned remote your own self unless you're too lazy!"

I opened my mouth to start yelling at him, but Watson beat me to it.

"David Michael, _watch your language!_ We don't use words like that in this house, especially around the little kids and you know that," he snapped. David Michael had the sense to look ashamed. "Apologize to your sister for being so rude."

"I'm _not_ apologizing to Kristy," he said, bristling at the very idea. "No way."

"Then I suggest you go up to your bedroom and come down when you are ready to apologize and act like a civilized young man," Watson told him calmly. David Michael jumped to his feet, slamming down the book he had been reading.

"_That's not fair!_ She's been a complete _bitch_ to all of us since she got pregnant and now we all have to make sure she's kept perfectly happy?" he yelled. Emily Michelle flinched away from him and got to her feet. She glanced at me as though she was considering coming to my side for comfort then decided to rush over to Watson instead. He was clearly the safer, better choice of the two of us.

"I haven't been a _bitch_," I growled under my breath, though I'm sure everyone could hear me.

Watson glanced up at the ceiling. "David Michael, I'm _not_ going to ask you again. Get upstairs now or else I am going to do more than just ask you to think about your actions."

"_Yeah?_" my brother asked, slamming his hands onto his hips. His face was slowly becoming red with anger. He reminded me of Charlie whenever my older brother used to fight with Mom over stupid little things like staying up late when we were kids. "_Like what?_"

"Like spending the first two weeks of your summer vacation grounded," Watson said.

"_You can't do this to me!_ _What about Kristy? She just swore, too!_"

"I'll deal with Kristy later," Watson promised. I sunk down deeper into the couch with a scowl. Great. This was going just _wonderfully_. "Upstairs, _now_ or else you're missing out on the first two weeks of summer."

"_I hate you all_," David Michael snarled before snatching up his book and storming out of the room. We all stayed silent as he stomped upstairs and slammed the door to his bedroom. Watson finally sighed and looked down at Emily Michelle.

"Honey, why don't you go upstairs into the playroom for a little while?" Clearly worried that any fight on her part would land her a stiff punishment, too, Emily Michelle hurried from the room. Watson closed his eyes and placed his hand over them, standing very still. I waited. "Kristy, your brother didn't mean what he said."

"He did _so_," I snapped. "He's been a little _jerk_ since I came home just because he needs someone to blame. I thought I was his friend, too. We've always been close, but apparently he's been studying his _Julius Caesar_ a little early."

Watson laughed and took a seat on the other end of the couch. "No, he's just lashing out at you because he doesn't think you'll be able to defend yourself. He still thinks you're sick and exhausted."

I groaned. "I _am_ and I _don't_ need his bullshit. Sorry. I just don't, though. Can't you or Mom talk him out of this?"

"I wish we could," Watson said and turned his attention to the television screen. We watched for a minute before he leaned forward, picked up the remote, and handed it to me. "Kristy, I suggest that until David Michael and Andrew calm down, you try your best to stay out of their way. They're not going to do anything to hurt you, you know that, but they're going to be as unpleasant as possible. You don't need that."

I nodded. "So, basically, I should just stay in my room or in Jessi and Becca's suite."

Watson smiled apologetically. "We're working on them as fast as we can, I promise."

**43**

"Hey, Andrew," I said softly.

My younger stepbrother looked up from his sandwich at me, paused for a moment then looked back down again without saying hello. I wasn't surprised, so I set about making my own lunch as though nothing unusual had happened. Once my sandwich was finished, I sat down two chairs over from Andrew and began to eat in silence. I felt encouraged when he didn't start insulting me or get up and run away.

"So, looking forward to summer break?" I asked him carefully. He looked over at me again, chewing his sandwich very slowly. After a minute or so, he nodded.

"I guess so."

"Yeah? Any big plans?"

"No."

"Are you going to go swimming in the pool this year?" I asked. "Charlie and Sam fixed it up after David Michael and Benny tore that hole in it last summer. Remember that?"

A shadow of a smile crept onto his face. Clearly, Andrew would be easier to win over. "Yeah, I guess we'll go swimming." He looked down at my stomach. "What about you? Can you swim?"

I looked down, too. "Um, I don't know. I think I'd have to check with my doctor first."

"The baby wouldn't drown or anything, right?" Andrew asked, looking concerned.

I shook my head. "I don't think so. Not unless it pulled me under with it."

Andrew smiled, but it quickly dropped off his face as another boy's loud, obnoxious laughter burst into the room.

"That _would_ be funny."

"Oh, _shut up_, David Michael," I said, looking back down at my food. Andrew returned to his own lunch as well. "Just leave us alone."

"No, Kristy, leave _us_ alone. _You_ left, didn't you? Why did you have to come back?" I looked up at my little brother. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. I shook my head slightly, begging him silently to stop. "Don't you know that once you leave, you shouldn't come back home? It's _pathetic_. Besides, nobody wants you or that stupid baby in this house. You don't _even_ want that baby, so what makes you think anyone else is going to want it?"

"_Stop it!_" I suddenly cried out, shoving my chair away from the table. Getting awkwardly to my feet, I stumbled backwards towards the door. Andrew got out of his chair, too, and grabbed onto David Michael's arm.

"Leave her alone," he said. His jaw was tense as though he was trying to hold a lot of something inside of him.

"_No_," David Michael yelled, shaking him off. "I _hate_ you, Kristy! We _all_ do! Everyone else is just too scared or polite or whatever to say that to you! You left Karen and me and everyone else when we _needed_ you and you can't just come home whenever _you need us!_ It doesn't work that way!"

"_Mom!_" I screamed, feeling myself suddenly very close to losing control. "_Mom, make him stop it!_"

"_Back off!_" Andrew yelled, shoving my brother away from me. David Michael stumbled away from his younger stepbrother, casting him a look of surprise. Andrew narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists, looking like he was gearing up for a fight. It made my stomach twist into a knot to see my two beloved little brothers fighting over me. And a fight like this one, no less. Oh, God. Maybe I would throw up after all. "_Just leave her alone!_"

"_I hate you!_" he screamed again. "You're _worthless_ to me! You left me when I needed you! When Karen needed you, you left her! _How dare you come home!_"

I began to cry uncontrollably then, which snapped David Michael out of his bizarrely hurtful mood. In an instant, his face softened and he looked at Andrew helplessly. My stomach twisted as harsh, bitter sobs worked their way out of my throat and David Michael took a step towards me. Andrew's anger melted from his face as he immediately hurried to my side and wrapped his arms around me to help support me as I wept painfully.

"_Man_… Kristy, I just… _God_…" David Michael mumbled before running out of the room. Andrew's eyes followed him before he led me laboriously back to the chair I had been eating my sandwich on.

"Sit down," he murmured gently and I obeyed him without any argument. Even as my stepbrother went to the cupboard, brought down a clear glass, and filled it with water from the tap, my sobs were starting to lessen. He pressed the cool glass against my hand and I dutifully took a sip. "He's a jackass."

"Don't swear," I scolded weakly and Andrew nodded. "Besides, where did you hear that word, anyways? Not in this house, I hope."

"School," Andrew said with a smile. I hiccupped, choked, and managed to smile through my resultant tears.

"Go figure." I handed the glass back to my brother. "Thanks, Andrew. I think… I think I need to lie down now."

"I'll help you," he offered and I was too drained to tell my nine year old brother that he shouldn't be taking care of me like this.

**43**

"Kristy?"

I looked up. It was Karen. I wasn't very surprised. I waved her into my bedroom and she closed the door tightly behind her. Instead of rushing to the bed like I was expecting her to, she pressed herself against the door and stared at me. I watched her for a moment then swallowed.

"What is it, Karen?"

"David Michael said some really nasty things," she said quietly. I nodded.

"No kidding," I snapped, rolling my eyes. "I don't know what the _hell_ his problem is, but I guess I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life locked in my bedroom unless I want to be ripped apart by my own brothers and sisters."

"I talked to him," she said, not rising her voice. I swallowed again and pressed the wad of tissues in my hand against my eyes. I didn't respond. "I told him that this wasn't your fault. I told him to stop being so angry with you."

"He's not going to listen to you," I said.

"Why not? _I'm_ the whole reason he's mad at you in the first place, right?" she asked. I finally looked up and she finally stepped away from the door. I could feel the hurt begin to radiate from her once more and held out a hand for her. She took it gratefully and looked down at the ground. "I only blamed you because I was so scared. I didn't mean for David Michael to hear and to take it so seriously."

"I know, Karen."

"Everything's falling apart," she whispered.

I nodded my head miserably and used the hand that was holding hers to pull her onto my bed. Tucking her frail body, which felt so surprisingly different from the last time I had hugged her, against my own, I closed my eyes and sighed.

"This isn't our fault," I whispered. She shook her hands loose from mine and wrapped her arms around me.

"So why does it have to feel like it is? How come everyone is blaming us for things that we didn't do if it _isn't_ our fault?"

I started to cry again and immediately felt her shoulders begin to shake as she did, too. We both sagged down against the bed, struggling to get into a position where we could hold one another close and cling to each other without hurting each other. Karen nestled her head up underneath my chin like she had done when we had first become sisters and she was still just a little girl. I began to cry even harder when she did that.

"Karen, I'm _so_ sorry," I wept into her hair. She would need to take a shower after this. I was probably getting all kinds of nasty guck in her hair right now. "I shouldn't have left you."

"You didn't _know_ because I didn't _tell_ you!" she countered. "I should've told you."

"Right, then I could've been there to protect you," I said. I held onto her for a long time, hardly daring to move for fear that she would slip away from me again. I clinging to her to make up for lost time, I think. I closed my eyes again and swallowed hard. "Karen? Can I ask you something really important?"

"Yeah," she agreed. "Anything."

"Did Seth hurt Andrew, too?" She didn't say anything and I began to cry again. "Oh, _God_. I'm his big sister, too, and I let him down, too? What the _hell_ is the matter with me? And, how the hell did I _miss_ all of this?"

"Andrew is fine," Karen finally told me, shifting her weight so that her face was in front of mine. I could feel her breath hot on my cheeks. I opened my eyes. She smiled sadly. "That's why Andrew's angry. He couldn't believe that Seth would ever do anything to hurt me because Seth has been an amazing stepfather to Andrew. He really has. I'm the one he screwed up with."

"Doesn't that make him a screw-up overall?" I asked. She nodded.

"Yeah. I guess Mom is finally starting to come to realize that. They're on a trial separation right now." Karen snuggled back down. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Kristy. Can we just cuddle? I think I just want to fall asleep."

I nodded. "I think I do, too."

I held her as close to me as I could with the bulge of my pregnancy in between us and eventually sleep claimed Karen and she began to snore gently. I couldn't fall asleep, no matter how hard I wished I could. So, instead, I brushed her hair through my fingers and tried to empty my mind and keep myself feeling as calm and peaceful as possible while I watched her now quiet face.

**43**

Hours later, Watson and Mom called a full family meeting. Everyone knew that we were in trouble, especially when the two of them pulled their matching armchairs next to one another at the front of the room so that they could face all the rest of us. Nannie and Grace were in attendance, mostly because Grace needed to become accustomed to our strange family rituals. Jessi and Becca were seated back with Nannie and Grace, though I could tell Watson and Mom were definitely now counting them as part of them family. Even poor Sam, who we didn't see much of because he worked all day and went out with his friends most nights, was roped into attending this family meeting, so we all knew they meant business. Only Charlie was missing and everyone counted him lucky.

Watson waited until everyone was quiet, which didn't take very long at all, seeing as how everyone had crept into the room with their tails between their legs. He cleared his throat and stood up, which was very much not a good thing.

"I think everyone knows exactly why we are holding this family meeting," he said quietly. Most of the kids, excluding a sulking David Michael, nodded. Sam glanced around, looking a bit confused, while Jessi and Becca shrugged innocently. "There have been some incidents around this house lately which have led me and your mother to think that our family has some problems that it needs to fix immediately. We are not going to sit around and watch as everyone in this house runs around trying to hurt everyone else and tries to destroy this family which has been a source of love and support for so many years to all of us." He glanced at David Michael, who flushed red. "Now, I don't want to start naming off specific fights or problems, but I want you all to know that your mother and I are aware of all of them and that they are stopping _right now_."

Mom leaned forward. "I want to know _why_ these fights are starting," she said. "Isn't there enough happening in our family _already_ without adding more problems like fighting to it?"

"Maybe if some of us cared a little more about others of us," David Michael suddenly spoke up, "then there wouldn't be any fighting."

"What do you mean?"

My little brother chewed on his bottom lip, clearly struggling with how he wanted to say what he wanted to say. I was pretty sure that Sam was unaware of the new strain of conflict involving Karen, David Michael, and myself, and I was pretty sure that David Michael didn't want his big brother to think that he was being a jerk by calling me insensitive. Or by calling me a bitch again.

"Kristy," he snapped. "She's doesn't care about Karen like the rest of us do."

"That's _not_ true!" I said loudly.

Watson held up his hand and glanced at me. I immediately backed off. "David Michael, don't assume that your sister doesn't care about Karen. She loves Karen just as much as the rest of us. She left because she needed to leave… not because she was abandoning Karen or because she didn't care about her or the rest of us."

"Still… she could've come back sooner."

"What good would that have done?" I demanded, refusing to back off this time. Mom gave me the stern look this time, too, which made it even harder to hold my ground. "It wouldn't have fixed Karen. She was my first sister and I love her more than words can explain, but there was nothing I could've done to help her."

"Kristy's right," Karen said softly. David Michael stared at her in disbelief. "Besides, Stacey was there to help me. Stacey was good for me then."

"But… Kristy… she should've been here."

"I'm sorry, David Michael," I told him quietly. "I'm sorry I left you at home without any warning. I promise that I won't ever do anything like that again."

He stared at me for a long moment before nodded curtly and looking away. I could tell, though, that I had gotten through to him. Maybe later, once it was just the two of us, he would let me hug him again like when he was a little kid. Right now, he had his pride to think about. Benny glanced between me and David Michael and offered each of us a grateful smile, clearly pleased that this fight had been resolved.

"There's also the problem of respect around here," Watson said quietly. Everyone turned to look at him. "I'm glad that our biggest problem has been solved, but the respect problem is still an issue. I'm sick of always having to correct everyone when they use poor language around the little kids or when they are disrespectful to any of the adults or their own brothers and sisters. I want to see people shaping up around here and I don't want to have to tell anyone to clean out their mouth again or else I'm going to start carrying around a bar of soap in my back pocket."

Karen laughed, much to everyone's surprised. "No, you won't, Daddy."

"Try me," Watson said, raising an eyebrow and Mom started laughing as well. Once she began to laugh, that set everyone else off, too. After a few minutes of laughing and goofing around, Watson finally settled us down, a smile finally on his face.

"Finally, guys, I have one last request."

"Shoot," Sam said. He was perched on the edge of the couch, right beside Becca. She glanced up at him, rolled her eyes, and nudged him over so that she would have more room. Sam flapped his arms dramatically and pretended to fall to the floor. Emily Michelle and Grace shrieked with laughter, which set the kids off into gales of laughter again. It took poor Watson another minute or so to calm them down.

"I want you all to help Kristy out as much as you can this next month or so." I felt myself turn red as everyone turned to look at me. "As most of you know, her due date is in July and she's might be having some trouble getting around and doing things. So, if she asks for help or even if she looks like she could use some, please help her."

"Including baby-sitting," Nannie said, looking meaningfully at David Michael and Benny who blushed in embarrassment. The last thing they wanted to do was baby-sit for Emily Michelle and Grace, but that was just too bad. The last thing I wanted to do was be fat and pregnant in the middle of the hottest months of the year. If I had to suck it up, so could they. "Right, boys?"

"_Yes, Nannie_," they chimed in miserably.

Sam laughed heartily, knowing that he wasn't going to be expected to do much since he was working full-time. Mom smiled sweetly at him.

"And, _Sam_. I'm going to need you around the house more in the evenings to make sure that everything is going all right. I have to work late the next couple of weeks and I'm sure Watson would appreciate you pitching in."

Sam glared daggers at me. I smiled sweetly at him. Finally he nodded. "Sure thing, Mom. Whatever I can do."

So, it was settled. I was surprised, really. I hadn't expected for most of the Brewer-Thomas clan problems to be solved so quickly, but maybe I was just being pessimistic about the whole thing. Why shouldn't we be able to fix things this easily? We fixed everything else that life had flung our way and we were still one big, huge, loving family.

Well, mostly.


	44. Resuscitation

**Chapter 44: Resuscitation**

**Jessi**

_June 19_

_God, I am __**so**__ bored right now. There is literally nothing to do. Almost all of the kids are out doing the kinds of crazy busy things that makes me wonder how Elizabeth and Watson can even __**want**__ to be parents (just how many soccer games can a person handle?) and the couple who are at home (Grace and Karen) aren't exactly balls of fun. I mean, Grace is a riot if you're babysitting her, but I'm not. Karen still isn't feeling up to doing much, although, admittedly, she has been perking up a little bit more every day. She even told Benny off this morning for drinking the last of the skim milk, which was hilarious, especially when his mouth dropped open in surprise._

"Mallory?"

"Jessi? Is that you? Can you hold on just one minute? I'm downstairs and I need to get into our bedroom if there is any hope at all of hearing you."

"All right," I agreed with a smile. Before moving into the Brewer-Thomas mansion I would've found that a little bit hard to relate to. Now, I can't help but painfully sympathize.

I heard her shuffle through the house, the phone down by her side. If there is one thing that I could change about Mallory Pike, it would be her phone carrying habit. Even if there is a civil war (or _un_civil, depending on how you want to look at it) going on at her house and she has the President of the United States on the line, she will carry the phone down by her side, making no effort whatsoever to block the mouthpiece so that the poor listener doesn't have to hear everything being done as she goes by. Which, with the Pike family, is usually some pretty weird stuff. Tonight, for instance, I heard:

1. Claire and Margo arguing about which one of them owned the blue bra that clipped open and closed in the front instead of the back. Margo argued that she did because she had bigger breasts while Claire argued that she did because she was still trying to figure out how to use a proper bra and their mother bought it for her so that she wouldn't have to mess around with one that latched in the back.

2. Jordan and Adam were playing on the family's Playstation, which Mallory yelled at them for because they hadn't moved from in front of it for hours and hadn't let Nicky touch it all day. Nicky also chimed in about how unfair it was and I was blessed to hear some choice swear words before I hear Mallory call for their mother to break things up in there. Mallory also received some of those words herself.

3. Vanessa briefly rang past the phone, sobbing incoherently. I did, however, catch the key words that led me to believe that her tears were brought on by the cancellation of her latest favorite TV show.

4. Mr. Pike calling to his wife to try and figure out how many calories were in half a box of Oreo cookies. I heard Mrs. Pike call back that he had better only be asking that as a hypothetical question before Mallory finally got back on the line.

"You _know_, Mallory," I said once she told me she was back, "you really ought to start covering the mouthpiece whenever you're not actually talking to the person you're on the phone with."

"Who _cares_?" she asked. "It's not like I have anyone to impress."

"Yes, and just let me tell you that after everything I get to hear whenever you don't bother to cover up that mouthpiece, you're never _going_ to impress anybody."

She snorted. "What's _that_ supposed to mean? Are you insulting my family?"

"No, just hinting that they're _all_ insane and that you probably shouldn't go around advertising that on the phone. Kind of like how when you were a kid you were never supposed to advertise that you were home alone?"

"Fine, point taken," she said with a huff. "Anyways, what did you want? You stayed on the phone long enough, so clearly my family didn't scare you away."

"I'm used to them and you should see the whackjobs I live with," I retorted then sighed. "Anyways, Mal, I'm _bored_. It's a Friday night and I have nothing whatsoever to do. Come over and help me not be so lame? Please?"

"Well, I was just about to wash my hair and start reading some classic romantic period literature," Mallory said hesitantly.

"That's not even _funny_, Pike. Now come on. Can you come over here?"

She laughed. "Of course. Let me tell my mom where I'm going and I'll be over there in about fifteen minutes, all right, princess?"

"Of course, my faithful plebe."

I hung up the phone with a grin and went over to the window. It was only six o'clock, so the sun was still hot in the sky with lots of promising light. We had eaten early tonight (tons of pizzas and garlic bread) since Emily Michelle had a soccer game (which Kristy and Sam were going to), Benny and David Michael were at their own soccer practice (which Elizabeth had taken them to), Becca was over at Charlotte's studying for their big math test on Monday (the two of them are huge nerds, even if they are smart), and Andrew was down the street at a friend's, swimming and playing over there for the evening. Even Nannie was out for the evening, bowling with her league Only Karen and Grace (who were playing quietly in the family room), Watson (who was watching TV in the living room), and me were still left in our massive mansion. Instead of bothering the other girls, I decided it would be easier to call up my own friends. Karen and Grace could use a quiet night in the house, anyways.

I tapped my fingers on the phone for a moment then picked it up again before dialing another number. The phone rang a couple of times before it was answered.

"Hello?"

"Claudia! Hi, it's Jessi! How are you?"

"Oh, hey, Jessi! I'm all right. How are you? Keeping cool right now?"

I smiled. It had been scorching outside all day long. "Yeah, I'm doing all right. Listen, I just called Mal and I was wondering if you were free and wanted to come over tonight to hang out."

"Are you having a party or something?" she asked.

"Oh, no. It's just Mal and me and you, if you want to come over. I already ate, but I could order in some Chinese or Indian food if you want. The boys grabbed most of the pizza tonight." Claudia laughed. "We let them, though. They have soccer practice and they love to complain how famished they get if we don't fatten them up well enough beforehand."

"Typical," she laughed. "But, yeah, Jessi, that sounds good to me. I'm in the middle of something right now, but once I'm done, I can come over. How does about forty-five minutes sound?"

I smiled. "That sounds perfect to me. It'll give Mal and me time enough to plot out just what to order before you get here."

"You're cruel," she told me. "But, let me get off the phone, otherwise it's just going to take me longer. I'll see you in a bit."

"Looking forward to it."

**44**

Two hours and quite a few boxes of Chinese food later, the three of us just sat around staring at one another. It wasn't that we didn't have anything to talk about- we just didn't really feel like talking much anymore. The food, combined with the heat of eating it outside, had sucked any urge for further conversation out of us. After a while, Claudia sighed.

"Do you guys want to watch a movie or something?" she asked.

Mallory groaned. "I thought we were going to try and do things that weren't really lame tonight, Jessi! Give us some suggestions!"

I shrugged. "I don't know! What do you guys want to do? Anything? Do you even want to do anything in this heat?"

"I wish we had a real beach really close by," Claudia mused. "We could go on the boardwalk and get ice cream and stroll and do things like that."

I sat up a little straighter. "We could go into town and get ice cream."

"Isn't that kind of lame?" Mallory asked.

I glanced at her. "Oh, _who cares_? I'm going to go inside and let Watson know that we're leaving, all right? You two fight over who wants to drive."

Claudia sighed. "I'll do it. Mal's station wagon is a nightmare downtown."

Mallory opened her mouth to protest then closed it and nodded sadly. I smiled at them before heading inside quickly. As I hurried into the house, towards the living room where Watson was probably still watching TV, I passed Karen and Grace.

Grace was curled up on one end of the ultra squashy couch that was in the family room, sound asleep, while Karen was flipping through the channels, looking very bored and aimless. I paused for a moment and she looked up at me and smiled half-heartedly.

"Going someplace fun?" she asked.

"How could you tell?" I countered.

"You have the 'I've got to hurry to tell a parent that I'm leaving' look on your face," she replied before turning to look back at the TV. "Have fun wherever it is you're going."

I stayed put. For some reason, I just couldn't get myself to move. I was watching Karen channel surfing on this beautiful early summer evening, looking bored out of her mind, and knowing perfectly well that I should probably make some kind of effort to reach out to her. That was what every adult that was involved in her life (and ours, now) had told us: reach out to Karen whenever possible so that she knows that you want her to be a part of your lives. I glanced down at the floor then back at her.

"Do you want to come?"

"You don't have to give me a pity invite," she said calmly, not looking away from the TV. "I'm perfectly fine here."

"Come on, Karen," I insisted. "We're going out for ice cream. It's only Mallory, Claudia, and I. We'll probably walk around a little bit, too, and do some window shopping. It'd do you good to get out of the house."

"You're doing me a favor," she said, finally looking at me. Her wide blue eyes were accusingly and I narrowed my own defensively.

"No, I'm not. I'm spending time with my friends and I'm inviting you along because you'd have fun with us and we'd enjoy having you along. If I wanted to do you a favor, I'd take you by myself and not ruin time I was spending with my friends."

She smiled faintly. "Well, all right. I'll ask Daddy if it's all right."

I nodded. "Good. Check for me, too, all right?" I looked down at Grace. "And pass Grace off to your dad, too? Of course, she's probably stuck to the leather by now."

We both looked down at Grace, whose open mouth had already made a small puddle of drool on the leather sofa. Karen winced before gingerly lifting the toddler from the sofa. Grace opened her eyes sleepily and looked around at us.

"Are we going out?" she asked. Karen shook her head.

"No, you're staying home with Daddy. Want to watch TV with Daddy?"

Grace considered this for a minute or so before nodding slowly. I sighed. At least that was one small disaster avoided. I really didn't want to have to deal with a screaming toddler, hysterical to come with us because I had taken the time to invite Karen along with us. I glanced at Karen and she nodded quickly.

"OK, I'll go ask Dad now," she said, hurrying off with Grace in her arms. I hurried back towards the driveway to let Mallory and Claudia know that we had one more for our girls' night out.

**44**

"I can't believe you just got vanilla," Claudia admonished Karen. Karen sucked lightly at the tip of her ice cream cone and glanced up at Claudia, who was still a good five inches taller than she was. "I thought you had some pizzazz and here you go ordering the blandest, most boring flavor of ice cream possible."

"I ordered vanilla, too," Mallory chimed in, sounding a little annoyed. Claudia shrugged dismissively.

"Yeah, but you got cherry syrup and nuts on yours. It's not that boring anymore, am I right?"

I nodded reluctantly and Karen just stared down at her "boring" ice cream cone. She sighed.

"I didn't really feel like ordering anything else," she said tiredly. Claudia stared at her for a moment before slinging an arm gently around Karen's shoulders. The younger girl seemed to shrink a little at the touch.

"I'm just kidding around with you, Karen," Claudia said softly. "I just want you to have some fun. You look like you haven't had any fun whatsoever in years."

Karen shrugged. "Maybe not."

Mallory glanced at me and I recognized that glance anywhere. It was the "please do something!" glance of help and no wonder, too. Despite her attempts to do everything we were, it was clear that Karen really wasn't having a lot of fun yet. I chewed on my bottom lip as we came to a stop, each of us slurping on our ice cream. Claudia withdrew her arm from Karen and perched onto one of the random low walls that were scattered around downtown. Kristy had a theory they were designed for people who had sudden, uncontrollable urges to sit down. Or, for frat boys who wandered into town and needed to trip people.

No sooner had Claudia perched onto her little wall than a man swept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her neck. Mallory and I jumped backwards, instead of forwards to help our friend, much to my disgrace. Karen opened her mouth and let out a shrill scream of terror. Claudia twisted her neck around and let out a laugh, throwing everyone completely off balance.

"Jack, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing!" she demanded. "Stop trying to scare everyone by acting like some kind of _crazy murderer_ who hides in bushes, all right?"

The man stepped back from Claudia and I could see that he was smiling. Much to my relief, he was clean and handsome and not at all like the crazy bush murderer that I expected him to look like. He even had the sense to be blushing as Claudia chewed him out. He took her hand in his and she didn't pull away from him, though she did narrow her eyes at him.

"Sorry, Claudia," he said, giving her big puppy dog eyes. "It won't _ever_ happen again, _I promise_." He glanced around at the rest of us. "I didn't mean to scare your friends, either."

"That's all right," Mallory said hurriedly, smoothing her hair as she did. I could tell that she was instantly self-conscious about the way she looked, even though it was clear that Claudia and Jack were something of an item. Jack smiled at her, but it faded as his attention fell on Karen. As his did, the rest of ours did, too, and I immediately felt like an idiot for asking Karen to come out with us.

"Oh, Karen," I whispered and rushed over to wrap my arms around her. Her vanilla ice cream cone was melting on the ground and despite the heat, she was shivering. I stroked her hair for a few moments before leading her over to the wall so that we could sit. She began to take more even and steady breaths before I could even prompt her to. "Karen, are you all right?"

She looked up at me with those big blue eyes of hers and nodded. "_Yeah_. Just a little _surprised_. That's all."

Jack rubbed his hands together anxiously and I could tell that he was just as uncomfortable as the rest of us about this whole situation. I cleared my throat.

"Ice cream was a stupid idea," I announced and Karen smiled slightly. "Why don't we go to the kiddie pool on Elmgrove Lane and wade around in it? I'm sure they won't mind. It's too hot for them to kick people out on account of age, right?"

"You could say you were supervising me," Karen said, surprising me. I grinned back at her in encouragement. "I'm… not _quite_ young enough, but I could say that I am."

"_Or_, you could supervise _me_," Jack declared and Claudia laughed.

"_Obviously_. I can't imagine _anyone_ who needs supervision more than _you_ do," she laughed. They both glanced at Karen and me. One look at Karen and I knew that she was ready to go. I wrapped an arm around her waist as we walked, feeling my chest swell up so huge with pride in her.

**44**

"Not fair!" Karen shrieked. "Not fair, Jack! You _cheated_! I _saw_ you cheat!"

Jack jogged back towards where Mallory, Claudia, and I were walking calmly and normally behind the two crazy members of our group. He shook his head.

"I did not cheat. Who saw me cheat?" he demanded.

Mallory laughed. "Right, and side against the 12 year old? I don't think so."

"_See?_" Karen shouted. She was closer now, but she was making no effort to tone down her voice. "Everyone thinks that you cheated because… let's see… _you cheated!_"

"I'm going to hang you by your ankles from a tree," Jack said after Karen had taken a few more paces towards him and was within arm's reach. She froze where she stood, her face red hot from running around in this ridiculous heat, and her eyes dancing from playing. "And, then everyone's going to throw water balloons at you."

"You wouldn't _dare_," she said, taking a leap backwards as Jack calmly took a step towards her. Claudia glanced over at me and winked. I couldn't hold back a laugh. "Besides, you can't catch me because you're too _old_ and _fat_ and _slow_."

"Oh, _it is so on!_" Jack hollered and dove at Karen, who just narrowly missed being grabbed.

As they raced up the street, shrieking and shouting at one another, I glanced over at Claudia.

"How much about Karen did you tell Jack?" I asked her.

Claudia and Jack had been alone for a little while when Karen, Jessi, and I went to the bathroom before wading in the kiddie pool and I knew they had used the time to talk about the strange little girl with the eyes that knew too much. I had noticed that Jack was a lot more sensitive and gentle towards Karen when we came back out again and treated her like a perfect gentleman. As the evening wore on, Jack slowly quit the gentleman act and went into the big brother act, one which Karen knew perfectly and was at perfect ease with.

Claudia shrugged. "Enough. I didn't want him to think she was some kind of freak and to treat her like one." She sighed. "Not that he would. He's a _great_ guy, but I still didn't want him to wonder why she acts so weird now. So, I told him basically what had happened and he said that he had read some literature on the stuff when he was a psych major, so he just asked if he could try his hand at being friends with her. I told him that it was fine." She licked her lips tentatively. "Is that all right?"

"_Obviously_," I said with a smile. "Look at them. I haven't seen her like this in ages. She hasn't run around screaming and laughing and just having fun… well, I can't really even remember the last time. And, Jack's a man, too. I'm sure he's doing her a lot of good right now."

Claudia smiled proudly. "I _told you_ that he's a great guy. I met him at a bookstore and, guys, I think that he's really perfect for me."

Mallory laughed. "Aw, is he 'the one?'"

Claudia shoved her lightly. "Don't be stupid, Mal. He's just… well, he's a wonderful, handsome guy who really gets me and who really seems to get the kids he's around, too. We visited his sister and her kids and he's amazing with them. He's kind of renewed my interest in children, if you know what I mean."

I groaned. "Don't get _pregnant_, Claudia. Kristy will _kill_ you if you don't start college with her next semester."

Claudia and Mallory laughed aloud at that and Claudia shook her head.

"Well, not _that_ soon, Jessi. Don't worry." She looked back over at Jack and Karen. Jack had slung Karen over his shoulder and was jogging lightly in wide, looping circles while she pounded on his back and yelled at him to put her down. She giggled. "But, maybe someday. And, maybe especially with him."

Mallory bent her head down with a wide grin, a blush forming on her face. I glanced at her and back at Claudia before smiling. I cast another look at Jack and Karen before letting out a big, happy sigh. Claudia poked me gently.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It is just feels really good right now," I told her. "Like everything is falling back into place, where it ought to be. It's nice."

"It is nice," Mallory agreed.

"I hope it stays this nice for a while," I said hopefully, knowing that with the way the world worked, it was perfectly possible that it wouldn't stay this nice for even just a few more seconds. Then again, maybe it would stay nice for a lot longer than I could imagine.

All that was important right now was enjoying it while it lasted.


	45. The Lights Go Out All Around Me

Rated **M**: language, violence, frightening images and landscapes

**Chapter 45: The Lights Go Out All Around Me**

**Stacey**

_June 30_

_Excellent news! I don't have to work at a crappy part-time job waiting tables or stocking shelves. I applied for the position at the Brewer-Thomas mansion as a part-time summer nanny and got the position as soon as Mrs. Brewer saw me on the doorstep. She had to hire two other girls, however, since she didn't want to hire one person to do all of the nanny work since one person would burn out fast. So, she hired me (since I know the family well), a baby-sitter they've been using who just graduated from high school, and some older, middle aged woman who will be working some of the early morning shifts when her own children at a vacation Bible school program._

I really was happy to get the job at the Brewer-Thomas's. Like I said, I wasn't really looking forward to doing any entry level jobs that I would've had to have done if I hadn't gotten this job, since Mom was adamant that I work this summer, so it was amazing to land a job where I knew exactly what I was doing and exactly who I was working with. Besides, the pay is pretty good, which means that I can spend some more money fixing up my bedroom (it needs some fresh paint and I want to put down a fresh carpet, but Mom refuses to pay for those things, so it's babysitting money to the rescue again).

I didn't need to ask why Kristy wasn't taking a larger role in watching over the kids. One look at her and it's no wonder why she hasn't done much outside of the house lately. She's a veritable boat. Not to sound cruel, but she is. I don't know how pregnant woman can do it, carrying around all that weight and not murdering the men who put that little baby in there. I think I would be tempted to kill anyone who got me that fat and bulgy.

Sam has been home in the evenings, which is nice because whenever he gets home before Mrs. Brewer does, we get to chat and spend some time together (he's Mr. Brewer's stand-in while I'm Mrs. Brewer's stand-in in the evenings). While I have absolutely no desire to start anything with the boy who I dated briefly when I was in middle school and he was in high school, I can tell that Sam is starting to develop another crush on me again. It's all right, though, because I think he can tell that I don't want to have any kind of romantic relationship right now. I think I give off some kind of a vibe, so while it's clear that Sam Thomas likes me, it's also clear that he's going to leave me alone as far as dating and romance is concerned.

I've had the chance to spend some time with Nannie as well, which has really been good for me. I confessed to her about Teddy and she told me that she had a run-in with a young man like that back when she was a young woman. I asked her what she had done, had she just let him do what he wanted to her like I had? Nannie shook her head and said when he laid his hands on her, she slapped him across the face, whacked around the head with her umbrella, and never heard from the jerk again. I must've been staring at her with my mouth open because Nannie gently touched my chin to shut it for me.

"Young men will take whatever you give them, Stacey," she said. "True, you can't stop them all, but you can stop a lot of them. Just tell them when to stop and when they don't, I've found a good, sturdy whack to the head with a decidedly feminine object usually does the trick."

I laughed. "Nannie, you're wonderful. I don't know why anyone would want to do anything you said no to."

She grabbed my hands with her own and pulled me in close to her. "Stacey, you're a wonderful young woman, too. I'm afraid you can't see it, though. That Teddy boy has knocked something loose inside of you that's keeping you from realizing how special and unique you are and how wonderfully important you are to everyone who loves you. And, mind you, a lot of people love you." She squeezed my hands for emphasis, though she didn't need to. I was already leaking tears down my cheeks. "Once you remember yourself, he'll realize that he ought to think twice before messing with someone as powerful as you."

"You're just _saying_ that, Nannie," I whispered.

"Why would I do _that_?" she asked. "I'm old and going to die soon. I don't have _time_ to waste on telling lies and making up stories. I'm going to tell the truth until I go so completely batty that I don't know what's up or down anymore."

I pulled my hands free and wrapped her in a tight hug. I closed my eyes tightly shut as I breathed in her scent. Lilac and talcum powder. There was also the smell of potting soil and spices from the soup she was making for dinner. I wished that my own grandmother was as wonderful as Kristy's. Sometimes I wondered if Kristy even realized how good she had it here with so many gloriously wonderful women to help her at her every turn and crisis point.

"Thank you, Nannie," I whispered.

"You're welcome, honey." She pulled away. "Now, go inside. You're supposed to be making sure that those grandchildren of mine don't get it into their heads to boil one another alive in my good cooking pots or some other devilish thing."

**45**

It was a very rainy day and I will be the very first person to tell you how much I hate rainy days. It does not matter that I am a nanny to children who live in a mansion. I am a nanny to children with far too much energy who become wild and completely insane when cooped up inside their mansion. I hate rainy days.

So far, it hadn't been too bad. Benny and David Michael had smashed a vase that Mrs. Brewer and Kristy had bought at a fair last summer while trying to sneak playing football in the house. Emily Michelle had yelled at them pretty good by the time I got there, so there was little need for me to do much else besides making them help me clean it up and sending them to their rooms for a little while. I'm not sure if I expected them to think about what they had done; I just knew that I wanted them away from one another, the rest of the kids, and from me for a little while so that I could regroup. Smashing vases in other people's homes wasn't exactly at the top of my list of fun things to do.

Karen, Emily Michelle, and Grace put on a fashion design show, featuring the contents of the trio's closets along with a select number of safe items from Elizabeth and Nannie's as well. The boys made sure to boo the entire time and even went so far as to send in the soaking wet dogs into the house during the fashion show, getting the poor girls covered in fur, water, and mud. So, the boys learned an important lesson in laundry, especially in selecting proper detergent and fabric softener. I think David Michael was appalled when Andrew seemed to enjoy doing the laundry with me and Karen.

After the morning was over, I finally settled the kids into the kitchen and fixed the biggest stack of grilled cheese sandwiches I had ever made in my life. Luckily, I had David Michael and Karen to help me cook and Benny to help keep the little ones calm. David Michael buttered the bread and sliced pieces of cheese while Karen sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, and various meats that the kids liked in their sandwiches. In under an hour, everyone was happy, warm, and full. Emily Michelle and Grace had that sleepy look in their eyes that little kids get when they've been filled up, so I plopped Grace down in her bed and was happy when there were no arguments over naps. Emily Michelle dozed off on her own on the end of the couch, so Karen tossed a blanket over her and the older kids watched a movie quietly in next room.

Sitting alone in the room with Emily Michelle dozing and knowing that the rest of the kids were also resting calmly, I drifted over to the family room's computer. It was one of those big, colorful screen designed for children, but had internet access. Elizabeth had given me the passwords for the household computers (which none of the children knew) so that I could go online during quiet times like this to check my email or just play a game or two on the internet. I logged onto my email account and waited for the page to pull up.

I had 16 new emails. Not surprising. Most of them were probably junk mail, I thought as I opened my inbox and began scrolling through the new emails to make sure that I could delete them all. One email stopped me cold. I felt my fingers freeze against the mouse as a name that I hadn't ever wanted to see again stared back at me.

_Teddy Thomas._

I couldn't believe this. He wasn't supposed to be _able_ to send me an email. I couldn't even imagine how he was able to do this. After a minute, my hand thawed and I felt my fingers move and click on the email to open it before I knew what I was doing. In retrospect, I probably should've just deleted it.

**45**

**Stacey,**

**I know that you're angry with me. Hell, that's obvious, the way you had your bitch friends try and kick the shit out of me. I wish that I could convince you not to be such a baby about all of this, but since there's not, let me just make some things perfectly clear to you so that I don't have to keep trying to convince you.**

**First of all, you are **_**mine**_**. You are **_**always**_** going to be mine and nothing you say is ever going to change that. You can pretend that you belong to yourself like some new-age hippie bitch or you can even pretend that you belong to some other asshole, but the truth is that you will always be mine. Every man that ever touches you will have to answer to me. Every man that you touch will get you one hell of a beating for cheating on me.**

**Secondly, you are only ever going to be as good as **_**I **_**say you are. Don't you understand? **_**I own you**_**. I say **_**who**_** you are and **_**what**_** you are now. If you want to be good, you'd better make sure that I think you are. Otherwise, you won't be anything but a slutty waste of space.**

**I'm sorry that I had to be so harsh, honey. I really do love you, I want you to know that. You're my only love and will always be my one woman, like I'm going to be your one man. I want you to realize how much I **_**care for you**_** and I want you know that I will find you when I can. We will make this work when I can get back to you and we will have the **_**fairy tale happy ending**_** that you girls are always so giddy for.**

**Until then, **_**I love you**_

**Forever Yours,**

_**Teddy**_

**45**

_I was running as fast as I could, yet my feet weren't making any kind of contact with the ground. I was pounding harder and harder, I could feel the painful vibrations up my shins and into my hipbones, yet the ground wasn't moving away underneath like it was supposed to be doing. I pushed again, harder and harder, until something like a guitar string snapped around the world and I crashed against the melting hot asphalt._

_The first thing I could think to do was scream as the skin on my nose began to burn on the hot ground. I shoved away from it, scalding the palms of my hands as I did, and staggered to my feet._

_**Where am I?**_

_While my feet began to grow hot as the burning pavement heated my shoes, I started to shiver as a thick snow cascaded around me. I rubbed my arms, trying to generate some heat, only to discover that my arms and chest were bare. I let out a strangled cry, trying to tuck my arms around my bare chest and protect myself from the screaming wind._

_The wind smelled sharp and acidic. I tried to breathe as little as possible in._

_**What **__**is**__** this place?**_

_I began to walk. It was no easy task. My shoes were melting to the ground with each step that I took, preventing me from moving quickly at all. Yet, somehow, there were more than enough of my shoes, I realized, to keep me from ever having to fear the bottoms of my feet touching the burning ground. I looked up to the sky and nearly screamed._

_Instead of thunderclouds or swirls of white snow, the ocean was crashing soundlessly above me. Each tidal wave licked at the tip of my nose as I stared up at it in wordless horror, unable to look down again. Every so often, some unspeakable monster from the depths of the sea would emerge long enough to glare me in the eye, size me up then disappear only feet from where I was paralyzed. I reached out to touch the water, too stupefied to think straight and could only open my mouth in hurt when the water, which wasn't water at all, scalded deeply into my skin._

_"Stacey?"_

_I looked around wildly. Did I __**want**__ to see who or __**what**__ was calling my name in this chaotic hellish world? Maybe I ought to keep my head down and try to run away. It would probably be better than allowing myself to be captured so easily. A crash of lightning from the acid waves and Teddy Thomas was standing in front of me, cradling my now completely naked body to his chest._

_He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled down at me._

_"See, my beloved? __**They're**__ the ones out to get __**us**__. Let me protect you and you won't __**ever**__ want for anything," he whispered, his hands, (wait, __**oh God**__, too many hands) wandering freely over my body, which I couldn't protect from him. I could only stare at him speechlessly. "You'll thank me for doing this."_

_**Please! Someone save me!**_

_"You don't __**need**__ anyone to save you, Stacey," he said, his voice suddenly growing hard and low. "You have __**me**__ now."_

_"Help," I croaked from a throat that hadn't spoken in a thousand years. I felt like I was crumbling underneath his touch, drying out and becoming nothing more than a mummy. Useless, ancient, dead._

_His voice turned to gravel and iron. "Shut up before you say anything __**I**__**will regret**__."_

_I closed my eyes then. I didn't want to make him regret anything. Not especially since I had the feeling he was in complete control of my new world. _

**45**

"I don't know what happened! I came in here and Stacey was just lying on the floor, her eyes wide open and staring!" There was sobbing. _Was it mine?_ "Is she having some kind of sugar thing or something? Is she going to die? Please, we have to help her!"

"You did the right thing to call an ambulance, Karen. Please, calm down. She'll be all right."

"She'll begin to wake up when she's ready, Mrs. McGill. We have to patient and wait now. It's not what anyone wants to hear, but it's what we have to do."

**45**

The first thing I felt, the first thing I _really_ felt again, were my eyelids fluttering. I focused my limited energy on the strange, yet familiar sensation of my eyes reawakening again. They stung against my eyes, like there was something prickling between the skin and the surface of my eyes. I fluttered them again and finally forced them open. At first, there was nothing that I could see for certain.

"_Stacey?_" a tentative voice asked and I blinked my eyes slowly. They felt so heavy that it was a challenge just to control them. I didn't think I had the power to move my head towards the voice that had called my name or even to open my mouth and respond. I was completely wiped out. "Stacey, honey, it's Mommy. You don't have to worry anymore, baby. You're safe now."

"_Mommy?_" I heard my voice croak and was amazed that my mouth had moved on its own. I closed my eyes in exhaustion and let myself sink down against the softness I was resting on. "Where…?"

"You're in the hospital, honey," she said and I felt her hand enclose mine. It felt warm and welcoming, so unlike the touch of Teddy's hand in the hell-world. "You collapsed while you were at work and Mrs. Brewer had you brought here." She stroked my thumb for a moment and I could hear her trying to hold back tears. "Honey, we all read what Teddy wrote to you in that email. The doctors think that's what may have pushed you into the semi-comatose state that you slipped into."

"What?"

"Stacey… you've been in and out for a couple of days now…"

This time I finally managed to open my eyes and forced myself to turn my head to face my mother. She looked all right, if very pale and tired. She forced a smile when she saw that I had turned to face her. I swallowed.

"Mom… where _was_ I?" I asked her quietly. Mom shook her head, her smile disappearing. "It was… _like hell_…"

"A psychologist is going to come to talk to you," Mom said gently, carefully avoiding my question. I didn't blame, of course. I probably would've done the exact same thing. Who would want to try and answer a question like that?. "Your doctors have been worried that Teddy's email triggered a severe mental breakdown."

"_You_ sound like a doctor," I accused her. Mom shrugged.

"Stacey, this has been really hard." I nodded slightly, the best my body could handle and closed my eyes again. We were still and silent for a long time before Mom spoke again. "Everyone has been so worried about you, honey. They've sent cards, even the little kids that you baby-sit for. You should see the one Kristy helped Grace make. It's _adorable_."

"How long do you think I'll be locked up?" I asked. Mom didn't answer. "He's made me _crazy_, hasn't he? To make it _easier_ for him to have me."

"Don't _think_ like that," Mom snapped and I stopped. She was right, even if it _was_ very easy to think that Teddy had this very end planned when he sent that wretched email to me. "Stacey, you _can't_ let him beat you. Besides, you're _not_ crazy and they're _not_ going to keep you here. They're just going to make sure _that you're all right_."

I began to cry and felt my already exhausted body begin to cry out in protest. "Mom, what if I'm _not_ all right?"

She grabbed my chin and held my face still. She pushed her face close against mine, making sure that I couldn't pull away. I let out a nervous sob.

"We're going to _make_ you all right, Anastasia Elizabeth McGill. That boy is _not_ going to get the best of you. Do you _understand_ me?" I struggled to nod. "_He is not!_"

"Mom, you're _hurting_ me!"

She let go and wrapped her arms around my weakened body. I let her hold me until my tears dried out and I began to sink back into an exhausted, dazed sleep. She kissed my forehead before I did and smoothed the hair from my forehead.

"We're going to _beat_ this, sweetheart," she whispered. "Don't worry about a thing."

I didn't. I fell asleep instead.

**Author's Note:** Thank you for being such fabulous readers. Your reviews have been way too good to me and I feel so spoiled and pampered here. It's amazing. On a different note, I just wanted to let any skeptics know that this kind of thing _can_ happen to people suffering from severe PTSD, like poor Stacey is. From the smattering of psych courses, field, and personal experiences I've had with PTSD and domestic violence, rape, etc., this kind of thing really can happen and it is terrifying for both the person suffering from the episode and for the person's loved ones. Like always, I'm going to encourage my readers to get help if you suspect that you or someone you know is being victimized. I suppose I really can never say it enough. That said, thank you once more for being so loyal and wonderful and I hope that you all continue to enjoy what I have to offer you.


	46. Let’s Fit Perfectly Together

**Chapter 46: Let's Fit Perfectly Together**

**Mary Anne**

_July 4_

_You have no idea what went racing through my head when I heard that Stacey had her mental breakdown. I guess I should have seen it coming, with all of the stresses she has been under, but I've been so wrapped up in my own self to worry so much about anyone else. That's probably why I've visited her every day (twice yesterday!) so that she (and I) would remember that what my being her best friend meant again._

"Hello, Stacey McGill!" I chirped as I walked into her hospital room. She looked up at me, a pale little thing wrapped in a paisley blue hospital gown that she strangely didn't seem to have much protest over. "How are you?"

"I'm the same as I was yesterday," she sighed, hugging me when I bent down to embrace her. I felt my heart leap a little inside of my chest. This was the first time since she had been admitted that she had actually hugged me back inside of just lying or sitting there when I hugged her.

"Well, you _look_ better to me," I argue, taking a seat beside her bed.

It was early in the morning, so I wasn't very surprised that Stacey wasn't out of bed yet. Although the doctors and nurses at this hospital encourage patients, especially those being treated in the psychiatric section of the hospital, to keep on an "early to bed, early to rise" schedule, they had been a little lax with Stacey since she had only been there a few days and would probably be released in the next couple of days or so. She rubbed her arms and looked towards the window.

"It sucks that I'm cooped up here on the Fourth of July, though," Stacey said. "It would've been fun to go to some festivities."

I laughed. "Well, you aren't missing much. The only town sponsored festivities are the same old kiddie ones they do every single year and the parade. I don't even think a lot of families are having picnics or barbeques this year either."

"All this over me?" Stacey asked, feigning shock as she looked back in my direction. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, all this over you." I stared off into space for a moment. "I wonder what all the kids are going to be doing. Not the little ones, obviously. Their parents will be taking them to the town and parade to celebrate. I mean, it's not even like Stoneybrook is licensed to display fireworks anymore, after the Pike family incident."

"I thought Adam had sworn the whole town to silence on that particular shameful incident," Stacey snickered. I'll admit that it felt really good to hear her joking around and laughing with me. Of course she was getting better. She didn't know what she was talking about.

"Well, pretend I never mentioned it." I snapped my fingers. "Hey, though. Oldstowne is having fireworks at the lake this year along with a whole bunch of other things to do. Like, a fake boardwalk kind of thing."

"Oh, how fun!" Stacey said with a smile. "That would something the older kids would love. And, the college kids, too." She touched my hand. "Mary Anne, why don't you arrange a last minute Fourth of July celebration? Pull a Kristy. Get everyone together that wants to go, get some drivers, and take the group out over to Oldstowne. I'm sure the kids will go bananas to actually have something fun to do on the Fourth of July instead of doing the same boring stuff mixed in with a little macaroni salad."

I squeezed Stacey's hand. "Oh, Stace, _you_ just pulled the Kristy on us."

**46**

"Oh, come on, Logan. This really will be a lot of fun. It's the big kids, I promise. Nobody under 11. It's not like we're going to have to be chasing after them or anything- we just need to be there with them." I smiled enticingly even though one, we weren't dating and two, I was speaking to him over the phone. "Please? Besides, it'll be a lot of fun for the rest of us. There's a boardwalk there. Maybe you might meet some cute girl while you're out."

"Now you're pulling out the big bargaining guns," Logan accused with a laugh then sighed. "I don't know, Mary Anne. Doesn't this scream 'Baby-Sitter's Club!' to you?"

"Well, a little, but who cares? Everyone wants to have fun today, so who the hell cares whose idea it sounds like?" I asked, starting to grow a little impatient. I really wanted Logan to come, but I didn't have all day. I had already asked some of the other old baby-sitters, who all said yes, but I still had some more phone calls to make. "Please, Logan? Just tell me whether or not you want to come, though. Stop playing this little Logan mind games with me."

"Wow, I didn't think I was any good at mind games," he said, sounding very proud of himself. I screamed into the phone and heard a clatter from downstairs.

"Mary Anne!" my father yelled up the stairs.

"Honey, are you all right?" my stepmother followed almost as soon as my father finished calling my name.

I winced. My scream had been a little too realistic, perhaps. I covered the receiver as Logan started to ramble on about how I had made him deaf and would need to pay the ensuing medical bills.

"Sorry, guys!" I called back downstairs to them. Tigger, my cat, gave me a sour look before leaping off my bed, and sauntering out of my bedroom and out of sight. "I'm on the phone and I was just trying to get a point across."

"Do it a little softer next time?" Dad recommended. I smiled.

"Sure thing, Dad." I uncovered the receiver. "Logan, are you coming?" I knew by the way he halted that he was still in the middle of whining and complaining. He groaned, sighed, and finally breathed out heavily.

"Yes, I'm coming. I'll bring the minivan, too, so that I don't have to sit next to any of you girls while you drive."

"Wow, that wasn't sexist or anything."

"I have very few sexist tendencies, Mary Anne Spier. If you don't believe me, ask Pete Black or Alan Gray." I almost interrupted to tell him that Alan was dating my stepsister, but refrained. "Letting a woman drive me around is one of those precious few, so please allow me to have this one thing."

"Sure, you say that now, but before long, you'll be spouting lectures to me about how I ought to still be wearing a corset, my hair up, and keeping to the home instead of this silly working and voting thing," I told him with a laugh. Logan cleared his throat.

"I thought you had other people to call, Susan B. Anthony," he said crisply. I laughed again.

"I do. Thank you for coming!"

"You're welcome. I'll be at your house around 1:30." He paused dramatically. "Unless that would offend any of my feminine riders."

"Oh, shut up, Logan. And, good bye."

"Good bye, Mary Anne."

**46**

"I really hope that their fireworks are gorgeous this year," Vanessa Pike said dreamily.

Abby and I exchanged a look over her head. She was the smallest of our group and still the one with her head the most in the clouds. Nobody could really blame her, though, after all she had been through. Besides, she was still one of the sweetest high school girls that I knew and, best of all, she had finally stopped speaking in rhyme. That was the biggest blessing of all.

"I hope they're _loud_," David Michael yelled from the back of the Pike's station wagon. Mallory, who was driving, didn't even so much as wince. I could hear Benny begin to laugh.

"_And smell like rotten eggs_," Benny chimed in.

"Fireworks don't _smell_," Jessi called back to him. I heard Nick Pike sigh.

"Do you think there are going to be a lot of girls there?" he asked hesitantly. The other two boys immediately burst into wild laughter. Abby turned around and whipped off her hat in one fluid motion and started to swat at whatever she could reach.

"Put a cork in you little Neanderthals," she said. "If Nicky wants to find some sweet babes, I say all the more power to him."

"God, Abby," Nick groaned and buried his head in his hands as the other boys continued to hoot with laughter and Abby continued to try to beat them into submission.

"Abby, I don't think we're supposed to be beating our charges," I told her with a smile.

"We're not charges!" David Michael snapped, all too familiar with the Baby-Sitter's Club and our old terminology. "Mom and Watson aren't paying you guys to take us out to the lake, are they?"

"No, we thought we'd make a nice gesture by taking you little freaks out there," Abby said. "If we had known what a bunch of pains in the necks you'd all be, we'd have left you at home."

"See, this is what sucks about Abby stopping to baby-sit for us," Nick told Vanessa. "She lets everyone have it now. At least before she sheltered us a little."

The former baby-sitters in the car burst out laughing. I shook my head and reached back to squeeze Nick's hand. "She still is, Nick. _Trust_ me on this one."

"Nicky's never going to _wash_ that hand again, is he?" Benny asked David Michael in a loud whisper that the whole car could hear.

"He's going to _worship_ it," David Michael confirmed. This time, _I_ grabbed Abby's hat and swatted the two preteens.

"All right, _shut up_. The two of you are getting on my nerves."

"We're _just_ talking!" Benny protested. "There's a law protecting the right to talk."

"No, the right to free speech," David Michael corrected him.

"Whatever. It means that Mary Anne _can't_ tell us to shut up."

I laughed. "Not only are you painfully wrong, my little friend, but if you _don't_ shut up, I'm not going to give you any spending money when we get there and you'll have to rely on begging and the kindness of your friends."

"Mary _Anne!_"

"_Zip it!_"

**46**

Logan and I strolled along the side of the lake, next to the waterline. Like many of the other couples down near the water, we had both taken off our sandals and were letting the tiny waves lap at our toes and soles of our feet. The coolness of the water felt nice after being cooped up in the hot car with no air conditioning and sweating boys for nearly an hour and a half. At least the ride had been worth it, just to walk along a beach. Logan grinned at me.

"You sure wanted to get down to the beach fast," he commented. I smiled back at him.

"I love the beach. It's a very calming, serene place."

"The ride here was that pleasant, huh?"

I laughed. "The thing I don't understand is how you got _out_ of being in the boys' car."

Logan held up his hands defensively. "Hey, I had a boy in my car."

I shook my head. "Byron Pike? He's not an obnoxious pain in the butt like the boys in our car."

"I thought Nicky Pike wasn't that bad."

"Well, first of all, don't let him hear you call him Nicky anymore," I told Logan. Logan arched an eyebrow with interest. "It's just Nick now. Nicky is apparently a baby's name and he refuses to respond to it. Of course, what does Abby do but call him Nicky the whole way here?" Logan laughed a little then gestured for me to go on. I took a couple of steps into the lake so that the water was up around my ankles and icy cold, but stood there anyways, looking out over the water. "David Michael and Benny egged one another on the entire time and picked on poor Nick and Vanessa whenever either of them opened their mouths. Kristy didn't tell me they were such evil little monsters."

"They're just twelve year old boys," Logan said dismissively. "That's what they do. They can't help being little snots. I was a snot."

"You were not," I said, looking over at him. He had joined me in the water and I could tell by the look on his face that he was not enjoying its chill. "You were quite the little gentleman, if I recall."

"Did we meet when I was twelve?" Logan asked.

I thought for a moment. "Maybe thirteen, then, but I'm sure you were the _same_ at twelve."

"Well, don't worry, Mary Anne, being an obnoxious snot is the default behavior for that age group. I'd be alarmed if they _weren't_ acting like that." He grabbed onto my hand and I felt a different kind of chill run up my spine. "Come on. Let's race over to the lifeguard's station."

"Oh, Logan," I groaned as he started to pull me along. Well, drag me was more like it. "You know I hate races and stuff like that."

He stopped and smiled compassionately. "I'm sorry, you're right. I won't make you race."

Before I knew what was happening, the world was spinning around and suddenly I was staring down at the sand instead of at Logan's face. I let out a scream of indignation.

"_No, Logan!_"

"I'll be a perfect little gentleman and carry you!" he yelled and began to run towards the lifeguard station, completely ignoring my shrieks and slaps as he went.

**46**

"He threw you over his shoulder?" Charlotte Johanssen asked. Becca Ramsey snorted into her fizzy, foaming coffee drink.

"And ran all the way to the lifeguard station?" she asked through the bubbles in her nose. Charlotte wordlessly handed her a napkin to mop herself up with. Becca blushed and took them from her best friend.

I looked around at the group that I was sitting with and abruptly realized that not a single one of them were any of my "friends." These were all kids that I used to baby-sit for and now we were all laughing, giggling, and talking together like we were friends. I smiled.

"He certainly tried to, the big show off," I said, pretending to be very irritated.

Karen Brewer grinned broadly. I loved to see her face so bright and happy. "You mean he didn't make it?"

"He fell?" Byron Pike asked with a laugh that set the others off immediately. Vanessa and Margo Pike exchanged grins with one another, but were a bit more reserved than the others. I knew that Margo was probably still getting over her car sickness incident from earlier today, which wasn't easy with everyone slurping and munching away at the stickiest looking food I had ever seen, and Vanessa was usually pretty quiet in general, so that wasn't a surprise. "You guys didn't get hurt at all, did you?"

I held up my bandaged elbow and smirked. "His ego was pretty bruised, too."

"What's going on?" Logan asked as he came over, carrying two ice creams cones as he did. I smiled gratefully at him as I accepted one and began to slurp it down. Karen smiled gently at Logan.

"We're just talking about your massive-"

Becca clapped a hand over her mouth. "Karen, shh!"

"Whoa!" Logan said, giving me a bewildered look. "What were you talking about?"

"Don't worry about it," Byron recommended. The boys exchanged looks with one another that clearly said it might be best not to try and play along with the girl mind games. Logan seemed to take Byron's advice and sat down next to me.

"Well, at least it sounds like you were saying all pleasant things," he said, grinning when Charlotte, Becca, Karen, and Margo burst into giggles.

"Always," I replied.

**46**

"All right, everyone," Abby called out, herding Benny by the back of the collar like he was a little kid. "Let's all get in together so we can watch these things go off like a proper group."

"Let's get a couple group pictures before they do!" Margo Pike insisted instantly and her siblings groaned in despair. Apparently, in the past two years, Margo had taken up the hobby of amateur photography. Only, it was extremely amateur, seeing as how she was only interested in taking pictures of her friends and family doing fun things or just being bored at home. I guess she has been quite the pain when it came to her camera. Abby plucked it away from her.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," she said loudly and looked around. An elderly couple was nearby, so she scooted over to them and explained that she wanted them to take pictures of our group for us. The woman smiled.

"What group are you?" she asked. "There are so many different ages!"

"Well, some of us are friends," I said, motioning around vaguely as the friends in the group hugged one another. "And the rest of us are siblings. Well, I guess we're all kind of friends. Everyone knows everyone else and we've all known each other for a long time, so I thought this would be a nice activity for today. You know, since nobody else was really doing anything and-"

"She doesn't need our life stories!" David Michael cut me off. The man laughed.

"Your little brother?" he asked. I smiled at the man and glared down at David Michael.

"Almost."

"Squeeze together," the woman instructed. "Why don't you older kids get in the back and get the little ones in the front?"

"We're not little," Benny protested as Abby shoved him forward.

"Do what the nice lady asked you to do," Abby countered.

Logan laughed. "No wonder your car ride was so eventful. Abby's almost a twelve year old boy herself."

"Watch it, Bruno," Abby warned in between camera shutters. "I'm still in good enough shape to beat you down."

"Do it!" Benny laughed. "Beat Logan up! I'll pay you $10!"

"You don't have $10," David Michael snapped.

"So, I'll borrow it from you."

"Brothers?" the old man tried again. David Michael smiled.

"Yep."

"How many pictures have you taken?" Margo called over the din of conversation and arguing. The old woman checked the camera.

"About five."

"Thanks!" Margo said, breaking away from the rest of the group to retrieve her camera. "You were so awesome to help. I love taking pictures, but you can't be in the pictures if you take them, you know?"

"It was pleasure to help," the woman said and the elderly couple continued on their way.

"Let's do small groups!" Margo cried when the couple was far enough away and everyone moaned this time.

"Do we really have to, Margo?" Vanessa asked, sounding like she was in some kind of emotional pain. "Don't you have enough pictures of us as it is?"

"Guys, come on!" Margo cried, looking distressed. "I really want to get a lot of good shots tonight. You'll be really glad later on when you see the pictures and have something to remember today by."

"I refuse to be in another picture," Nick said stubbornly, even though Vanessa was starting to pull his arm back towards where our group had been standing. "Ever again."

"Guys!" Margo looked like she was about to start crying. I thought fast and grabbed onto Logan's hand.

"Logan and I will go first?" I asked her as I tugged him in front of her. Margo blinked back the tears starting to form in her eyes and forced a smile. "We'll pretend it's like one of those photo booths!"

"Cool!" Margo agreed. Logan rolled his eyes, but nodded.

The first couple of pictures we posed in goofy, silly positions. We really didn't know what to do, so we just made some weird things up as we went. Margo pulled her face away from the camera to look at us.

"Now try some nice ones like you're supposed to do at the end," she instructed.

"God, she's bossy," David Michael hissed to Benny, who nodded.

Before Margo had the chance to say anything, or anyone else could say anything, for that matter, the sky burst into color and sound.

I tilted my head back in surprise to watch as fireworks exploded above our heads. The others all followed suit, though, I have to admit, I wasn't paying them any attention any more. I loved fireworks and it was hard for me to pull my eyes away. There was just something about the way the dark night burst into beautiful sparks of hot color that sent shivers up and down my spine.

It was some kind of cosmic statement, but I wasn't sure what. I'd have to remember to ask Dawn when she arrived in a few days. She knew about these kinds of things. Metaphors, I mean.

Then, once more before I knew what was really happening, my eyes weren't watching the brilliance of the fireworks display. They were now trained on the face of Logan Bruno. He had his hands on either side of my face, cradling my jaw with his fingers, and was staring me in the eyes.

"What are you doing?" I called out over the din of the explosions. He smiled.

"Something I've been _wanting_ to do for a really long time," he told me and pressed his lips against mine.

Instantly, my eyes closed and my mouth fell open to allow him complete access to me. It was as though we had never been apart. I felt my body cave in towards his and thrilled as they melded almost perfectly against one another. Like they were made to be against one another. Pieces of a puzzle.

At least, that's what I had always thought whenever we had kissed before.

His fingers slipped from my jaw and up against the back of my head, pushing our kiss deeper. I reached up to twine my fingers into his so neatly combed hair, something I always loved doing and still did, and responded to his push by pulling his head down closer to me. My heart was pounding in my chest, almost in time with the explosions of the fireworks, and I could see the colors flying through my closed eyelids.

By the time we came up for air, I just stared at him. There wasn't anything to say. Our kiss had said it all. Logan smiled shyly.

"_Perfect_," he whispered and I realized that the fireworks had stopped.


	47. Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters

**Chapter 47: Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters**

**Claudia**

_July 10_

_Janine and Brian are in Stoneybrook. I'm hunkering down for a nuclear fallout._

"What are you _doing_ here?" I asked the moment I caught up to Janine and Brian. Janine hadn't even reached the door to our house before I grabbed onto her arms and held her firmly in place. She stared at me like I was crazy.

"I'm coming home to visit my family, if you don't _mind_," she said irritably. She tried to shake me loose, but I just clamped my hands down tighter onto her arms. I felt bad, knowing that I was probably going to be leaving bruises on her sensitive skin. Still, I couldn't just let her walk into the house, like nothing was wrong. "_Claudia!_ Get your hands _off_ me!"

"Come on, Claud," Brian said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Let Janine go."

"_No_," I hissed, shaking him off. I turned to glare at my older sister. She was much smaller than I was, inheriting our grandmother's tiny frame, and I knew I could hold her still for a while, unless she really struggled or Brian got involved. "You can't just go inside like this. Mom and Dad are home. I don't even know if they've seen you guys yet!"

"So what?" Janine asked like a petulant child. "They're my _parents!_ I _want_ them to see me! We _came_ for them to see us and for them to _listen_ to us!"

"Well, _not right now_," I told her firmly. She started to pull free and I wrenched her away from the front walk, trying to steer her back to the car. We struggled against one another for a moment before I finally stopped moving, panting for breath. "_Please_, Janine. Dad's not going to handle this well. You coming in here unannounced, I mean. Just… go to a hotel or something. Call them and come back later."

"_No!_" she shouted. She gave a sudden full body heave and threw me off of her. I staggered backwards, tripped over one of the stones lining our front walk, and fell onto the ground. Janine looked down at me regretfully, but moved away towards the house nonetheless. "I'm going inside, Claudia. You're _not_ going to stop me."

I rubbed my sore elbow as Janine marched up to the house and banged on the front door, which I had shut as quickly and quietly as I could when I raced out of the house. The sight of her car pulling into the driveway had sent terror shooting through my body. Even after months of effort, I hadn't been able to convince my father to forgive my sister for the car accident in January and now she was going to just knock on the door and expect everything to be all right? I swallowed roughly as Brian looked down at me.

"Let me give you a hand," he said softly as he held out one of his hands.

I took his hand and climbed to my feet. It would be a moment or two before the door would be opened. I had been in the living room when the car had pulled into the driveway, but Mom was upstairs, reading, and Dad was in the backyard, working on his garden. Brian looked me over.

"Are you all right?" he asked. I nodded quickly.

"What the _hell_ were you two _thinking_?" I hissed, not looking at him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him turning red.

"Janine doesn't want her parents to be angry with her anymore. She wants to make amends and she wants to apologize for what happened." He grabbed my lower arm and turned me gently so that I was looking at him. "You understand that, right?"

"I do, but will our dad?" I asked pointedly.

The front door opened and my mother let out of a gasp of surprise. Janine stood there, motionless, and after a silent moment or so, Mom swept her into her arms. I sighed with relief. I knew that Mom was willing to forgive Janine; she had basically told me so herself when Dad was not around. Still, Dad was the major obstacle to overcome and if Janine couldn't convince him to forgive her…

I don't know what would happen then.

**47**

"I can't believe she just came here," Dad sputtered angrily. He was seated at our kitchen table, a cup of hot tea in front of him. Mom was at his side, looking just as tense and worried as I felt.

"Honey, _please_ calm down," she murmured.

Dad shook his head. "How could she be so _brazen_ as to think that if she just _appeared_ on our front steps that we would _forgive_ her for everything that she did?" He glanced at me and I flinched. "I didn't raise _stupid_ daughters! Are you stupid, Claudia?"

I shook my head quickly. "N-no, Dad."

"No, you certainly are _not!_" he shouted. Mom pushed her hand down firmly over his and he glanced at her, looking startled. He cleared his throat. "Sorry. I just mean to say that I'm shocked that she doesn't have the decency to behave properly. I've never really had to deal with these problems with Claudia, so we must've done something right in the parenting department."

I smiled helpfully. "You did, Dad. Janine… she just did something stupid, is all. She just made a mistake."

"A mistake that almost killed you," Dad said forcefully and I winced. Mom sighed.

"No," she said. "Claudia wasn't injured badly at all. The only one that nearly died was the car." Mom winked at me, knowing that Dad couldn't see her. I smiled gratefully at her.

"Still… for her to _come here_ today…"

"Dad… couldn't we just _drop_ all of this?" I ventured. Dad frowned at me, but I decided to keep going. "It's been _months_ since the accident. I know Janine is sorry for what happened. She's called me on my cell to apologize and I've forgiven her. It was really just an accident." I shrugged. "A stupid, idiotic accident, sure, but still an accident. She didn't _mean_ to hurt anyone."

"But, she did," Dad pressed.

"_She loves us!_" I said, feeling tears coming to my eyes. Mom looked away from me quickly and I could tell that she was about to start crying, too. "_Please_, Dad! Janine loves us and I know you love her, too! Why can't you just let her be a part of our family again?"

"I just can't!" Dad snapped and got up from his chair. He stared down at me, looking as though he wasn't sure quite what to do with himself. I could tell that the tears that were now running down my cheeks were disturbing him greatly. "Please, Claudia. Don't ask me again."

"Dad!" I sobbed. "_Please, Dad!_"

"_No!_" he shouted, turned on his heel and stormed away.

I burst into heavy sobbing as he stormed out of the room and Mom was immediately there, her arms around my shoulders, pulling me close to her. I could feel her body trembling as she wept as well. Nobody could blame her, of course. Janine was her daughter and her own husband was disowning her child.

"Mom," I moaned. "Mom… I can't… I can't _do_ this!"

"I know, Claudia," she whispered, her mouth pressed into my hair. I could feel her hot breath against my scalp and I wasn't sure whether to feel comforted or frightened by her closeness. She was seeking comfort from me while she was trying to comfort me. It was unlike anything I had experienced before. "You don't have to try."

"What do you mean?" I asked, sniffling back my tears.

Mom pulled away from me, wiping her eyes. "Go to Jack's. Don't stay here. I'll try to talk to your father, but you should go someplace where you don't have to feel all of this hurt. You've already been through enough hurt."

"I don't want to leave you here alone, Mom."

She smiled. "Honey, you father just needs some time. It's going to hurt to get him to understand, yes, but it needs to be done. And, not by you." She squeezed my shoulder. "Thank you for being such a good girl, but go now."

I shrugged. "All right. If you're sure."

"Go," she said with a small laugh. "Please, honey."

I left the house like my mother instructed me to, but that didn't mean that I didn't feel like a jerk leaving my parents to try and sort out this whole painful thing by themselves. A whole huge part of me wanted to stay and help. After all, Janine was my sister. She was my family, too. Shouldn't I be _involved_ in this?

**47**

Jack traced his fingers over my temple and curled them into my hair. I sighed and rocked myself back into his arms. I could feel him sigh sadly as I did and pressed my cheek against his chest. The steady beating of his heat was comforting. If only I could stay like this forever, life would be absolute perfection.

"Claudia, I love you," he whispered.

_Whoa._

I didn't move. "You what?" I asked quietly.

"You heard me. I love you." He kissed the top of my head. "I hate to see you hurt. I wish I could take it from you."

"Where would you keep it?" I asked. Maybe I could pretend that he hadn't said those three little words. I don't know that I was ready for them yet. I mean, Jack was amazing and I really liked him, but did I _love_ him? Did I want to make that kind of commitment yet? Was I just being a big baby about everything, making a big deal out of something that was probably one of the easiest decisions that I would ever need to make?

"In a bottle," Jack said whimsically, snapping me out of my whirling thoughts. "One of those old, green glass ones, you know? The ones with the rough edges?"

I smiled. "I remember those. Well, at least I know what you're talking about."

"Well, I'd capture your hurt and your pain and I'd drag it into the bottle and pop a cork into the top. I'd tie brown paper around the top and secure it with twine to make extra sure it didn't escape. Then I'd toss it out to sea." He kissed the top of my head again. "With any luck, it'll sink to the bottom and never bother any of us again."

"Oh, my God," I whispered softly.

"What is it?"

"Where did I find you?" I asked, once more feeling tears in my eyes. "You're way too good to be true, Jack. I mean, you know just how to heal me and make me whole again. Jack, you make me whole again. You do."

"Maybe it's because I love you so much," he mused. "I love you so much that I do everything I can to make sure that you don't have to hurt."

I finally looked up into his face. "Jack, _why_ do you love me?" He started to open his mouth and I shook my head. "No, I mean, why _me_? Why not some perfect little blonde girl who has huge boobs and is a perfect 10? Why not some brilliant genius who can challenge you every single day and never leave you bored? Why not some perky little housewife-y girl who knows how to cook and can make a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it?"

Jack smiled then laughed quietly. "Honey, I love you precisely because you are not any of those things. You're not some cookie cutter girl and I love that about you. You're funny and creative and you always know how to make me smile. You're gorgeous, too, even if you're not some silly little blonde." He poked my nose and I wrinkled it up. "Besides, you know how I feel about blondes."

I laughed. "Yeah, I've heard your repertoire of jokes."

"Claudia, you _are_ smart," Jack continued. "You always sell yourself short. I never feel bored when I'm around you. It's like there's always something new and exciting to learn whenever you're around, even if it's something new to learn about Claudia." He kissed my forehead. "I love studying you because you're perfect for me. You don't pretend to ever be someone you're not. You love people so deeply that it hurts you sometimes and I love that about you. You're so passionate that it makes me feel passionate about things I never even cared about before."

"All of that?" I asked in a shaking voice. He nodded.

"And a million other things. Claudia, I really do love you. I'm not just saying that to get into your pants."

I burst into laughter and he did, too. We hadn't had sex yet and, as far as I was concerned, we weren't going to be having sex for a while longer. Not because I didn't want to, I sure as hell wanted to, but because I wanted to be absolutely certain about Jack. After what he was saying today, I was beginning to think that the while I had in mind had just suddenly become a lot sooner. I kissed him.

"Then, I love you, too," I told him when we broke the kiss. "I guess I just said it too much when I was younger and now… now I just wanted to save if for when I really, really meant it. You know? I didn't want to say I love someone before I really meant it and before I really felt like this was the person who I wanted to devote myself to."

Jack smiled. "God, we sound like we're about to be engaged or something."

I gasped. "_Oh, no, Jack!_ Not now, please!"

"Don't worry!" he laughed. "I'm not even thinking about proposing. It's way too soon for anything like that. I think that saying 'I love you' is good enough for right now, don't you think?"

"Jack, I think that it's absolute perfect for right now."

**47**

After leaving Jack's, I found that my hands just couldn't drive me in the direction of my house. I couldn't do it. I knew what was waiting for me back at home and the very last thing I wanted to do was return to house where my father was angry, my mother was crying, and my sister and her fiancée were outcasts.

Instead, I drove to my best friend's house.

Mrs. McGill answered the door.

"Claudia!" she said, a bit loudly, and wrapped me in a tight hug. I was a little surprised by her sudden warmth, but wrapped my own arms around her to return the hug. After an awkwardly long minute, Mrs. McGill pulled away and began to smooth down my hair. "Sweetheart, it's so good to see you. How are you? How are things at home?"

I looked down. "Kind of awful, Mrs. McGill. That's why I came to see Stacey."

"Claudia, honey, I just want to warn you." I looked up. "Please don't worry Stacey too much. She's been through so much and I don't want her to have even more to worry about."

I nodded. "I'll try not to, I promise."

Stacey's mom smiled warmly. "Thank you, honey." She took my hand. Hers was very warm. "Let me show you up to her bedroom."

I let her lead me up to Stacey's bedroom even though I had been there so many times that I could get up there with my eyes closed. Her mother knocked on the door twice before opening it. Stacey cried out.

"Mom! You're supposed to wait until I say 'come in' when you knock!" she shrieked. "Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Sorry, honey. Claudia's here to see you."

Stacey smiled broadly, her entire face lighting up. I couldn't help but to beam back at her. "Hey there!"

"See you girls later," Mrs. McGill said quietly before leaving us alone.

Stacey hurried over to embrace me and her hug was so much softer and less intense than Mrs. McGill's. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of her latest perfume. I could feel Stacey relax against me and immediately knew that my decision to come to her house was the right one.

"God, I've missed you," I told her when we finally pulled apart. Stacey smiled again. She looked so surprisingly happy.

"I've missed you, too."

I hadn't come to the hospital. After visiting Jessi in the hospital after the car accident, I found that I couldn't visit another hospital without tremors of terror ripping through me. When I was in the hospital after my own car accident, I had begun to feel the nervous energy build inside of me. Stacey and I had discussed this a few times, especially in light of the fact that Stacey was occasionally hospitalized whenever her diabetes was out of control, so she knew of my newly acquired fear of hospitals. I knew, though, by the look in her eyes, that she wasn't upset that I couldn't visit her when she was in the hospital last.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked carefully.

Stacey nodded and looked down at the ground. "Claudia, what happened to me was one of the most terrifying things that I have ever experienced in my entire life. Teddy… well, it was like he had a hold on me that I couldn't escape, not matter how hard I tried to struggle or how hard I fought."

"God…"

"I'm better now," she said quickly, catching my hand in hers. I smiled weakly back at her. "_Really_, I am. It's just that Teddy really messed me up. I think that maybe I'm still messed up and that it's going to take a long time to fix that." She blushed. "He still wants me, Claud. He wants me to be his and he said that he's going to do whatever it takes to make sure that I will be."

I squeezed her hand so tightly, without thinking, that Stacey let out a yelp of pain. I instantly let go of her.

"Stacey, I swear to God, if he so much as looks at you again, I am going to kill him myself."

She shook her head. "Claudia, don't say things like that."

"I mean it!" I snapped. "This is too much, Stacey! I love you too much to see you hurting like this and knowing that this son of a bitch is out there, making you hurt." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to control the rage that was bubbling red hot up inside of me. I felt so protectively angry and aggressive right now that I'm sure that if this Teddy character were anywhere near us again, I might just go ahead and kill him. "I mean it, Stace. He's not going to hurt you again. Not if I have anything to do with it. If he ever threatens you again, let me know and I'll be over in a heartbeat to protect you."

She smiled. "You guys did beat the crap out of him last time," she admitted.

"Damn straight and we'll do it again if we have to."

She hugged me then, tightly. "I love you, Claudia."

"Well, I love you, Stacey. Why else would I be threatening to kill guys for you?" I patted her head. "It's a generally frowned upon practice."

She laughed. "You're a good friend."

I pulled away and held her at arms length. "Are you all right? _Really?_"

She smiled. "I'm getting there. I promise. As long as I have my friends and my parents to help me, I think I'm going to be fine."

**47**

Finally, it came time to go home. I couldn't avoid it any longer. It was dinnertime and I knew that my parents would want me back for dinner, as though to pretend that nothing was wrong and that nothing had ever happened. I sighed and shook my head. Maybe if I just shut up and played along, dinner wouldn't be so bad after all. Actually, it could be pretty pleasant, just so long as I didn't say my sister's name.

So imagine my surprise when I saw her '98 black Chevy parked in our driveway. I pulled in behind her, since she was parked in my usual spot, and climbed out of my car quickly. For a moment, I just stood, as though I was frozen to my spot. Even though it was July, shivers were working their way through my body. Finally, I shook myself out of my momentary freeze and walked myself up to the front door. It was unlocked, so I let myself in.

My parents, Janine, and Brian were all seated in the living room and all looked up at me when I entered the house. I swallowed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm explaining what happened," Janine said in a quiet, surprisingly humble voice.

"Have a seat, Claudia," Dad instructed and I knew that I didn't have a choice in the manner.

I closed the door behind me and walked over to the loveseat where Mom was seated by herself. Maybe she had done that on purpose, knowing that I would need her when I came home. I sat down next to her, dropping my purse as quietly as I could to the ground. Mom wrapped one arm around me and I dropped my head onto her shoulder, suddenly feeling completely worn out and exhausted. Janine gave me a warm smile, swallowed then cleared her throat before continuing.

"We were drunk. It was stupid of us to get as drunk as we did, Dad." Dad made no signal that he agreed or disagreed. "We should've only had a drink or two then asked Claudia to take us back home. Nothing would've happened if we had been more responsible. It's my fault for not taking more responsibility and for expecting Claudia to handle everything, including us when we were completely drunk."

"What you did was incredibly stupid," Dad said in his most disappointed voice. Even I felt ashamed. Janine turned red. "And, you're right. What you did to Claudia… there is nothing to excuse that. You took complete advantage of your sister, hurt her, and tried to pass it all off as her fault."

Janine nodded. "I was an idiot."

"Yes," Dad agreed. "Can you admit that what you did was hurtful, not to mention dangerous?"

"Of course," Janine said. I could tell that she was close to crying and was holding it in.

"And can you promise me that you will never do such a stupid, thoughtless to anyone, ever again?"

"Yes, Dad! If I could, I would take back what happened that night, too!"

Dad nodded slowly. "Janine, I have to admit that I am still very disappointed in what you and Brian did. It was thoughtless, but I don't need to rehash what you already know. I can, however, tell you that it will take time for me to be able to trust you again, like I was able to trust you before the accident."

"I understand," she said softly. Mom squeezed my shoulders and I understood why. Dad was forgiving her.

"Still, though, your sister has been pleading with me for months and if I continue to turn a deaf ear to her, I'm the one who's the stupid one." Dad looked at me. "Claudia, you're right. We are a family and families forgive one another, even if they do awful things. Especially if those awful things are accidents."

"Dad?" Janine asked in a tiny voice.

"Janine, I forgive you," he said and Janine burst into sobs.

I bit my lip to keep from crying as well and looked over to my father. He smiled gently at me, looking almost like he was ashamed that this had taken so long and had been so painfully drawn out for all of us. I nodded in understanding. Maybe I didn't agree with him and maybe I didn't like it one little bit, what he had put us through by not forgiving Janine, but I found that I understood.

In that moment of understanding, I felt closer to my father than I had ever felt before in my life. In that moment, I felt closer to him than to my mother or my sister. I finally felt relief flood through my body as I realized that my father and I were once again on the same plane again. I smiled at him.

It was good to be back.


	48. It is You I Have Loved All Along

**Chapter 48: It is You I Have Loved All Along**

**Shannon**

_July 19_

_Abby and I went to one of those water parks yesterday because the temperature spiked up past 100 degrees. The park is about a two hour drive away, but since neither of us have jobs, we decided to pack up and get out. It was actually a lot of fun, especially since I never really get to spend time with Abby, just her and I. I guess I had forgotten what fun she is._

When I woke up the following morning, however, I was sore from head to toe. Abby and I had a great time at the park and had gone on just about every single ride they had, including some that normally would've freaked me out completely, but with Abby goading me on, it was easier to go down them. Now, though, my body was scolding me for acting like such a preteen.

I stretched out in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. The house was quiet and I could tell by the weak rays of sunlight entering my bedroom that it was still pretty early in the morning. With a lot of care, I rolled over onto my side to look at the clock. I was right; it was only 6:28 in the morning. I rolled back.

The way I saw it I had two options: get up or close my eyes and go back to sleep. I had fallen asleep around 8:30 last night (we had gotten home around 8:00 pm and I could barely keep my eyes open- my father finally had to lead me up the stairs to bed so that I wouldn't fall asleep on the couch), so I had gotten more than eight hours of sleep already. I was already starting to feel pretty awake. Then again, more sleep was very tempting.

A sudden harsh banging on the front door downstairs jerked me out of my contemplative half doze. I sat up in bed as I heard my parents and sisters start to mumble and cry out about what was happening. Curious myself, I tossed off the sheet that was draped over my legs (I hate pretty much anything but a single sheet on my bed in the summer, central air or not), wrapped my silk summer robe around me, and opened my door. My father was already in the hallway as I stepped out and we exchanged startled glances with one another as a second round of knocking occurred.

"Who _is_ that?" he demanded. I shrugged, knowing perfectly well that he didn't honestly expect me to answer that.

I followed him down the stairs, sensing my mother's footsteps as well as my two sisters', Tiffany and Maria, footsteps behind me as well. The four of us stood a little ways back from the door as Dad opened it. My mouth dropped open.

"Hi," Matt said shyly. "Is Shannon home?"

"Who are you?" Dad asked, but I almost shoved him aside to stare at my ex-boyfriend.

"_Matt?_" I asked, hearing my voice spike up in pitch as I did. I swallowed a couple of times to keep my racing heart from leaping from my throat. "What… what are you _doing_ here?"

He smiled and shrugged. "Well, I came to see you, Shan."

"_This_ is Matt?" Maria asked, ducking her head next to the side of the door so that she could see him. I glared down at her. "This is the _boy-_"

"_Maria!_" I cried and kicked her in the shin. Admittedly, it wasn't the most adult method to get her away from Matt, but it worked. She let out a yelp of pain and retreated back to my mother. I glanced back at Matt, a hot red blush creeping onto my face. "Um… do you want to come inside?"

"Yes, please," Dad said quickly, opening the door all the way.

Mom, Tiffany, and Maria scooted backwards as Matt stepped inside, trying not to clog up the front door's atrium. Matt shoved his hands in his pockets, glanced around for a moment, and smiled at me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I answered stupidly. Dad squeezed my shoulder.

"We're going back to bed, pumpkin," he said. I could tell my sisters were desperate to stay around and watch our awkward exchanges. He gave Tiffany a little shove towards the hallway. "Come _on_, girls."

"Nice to meet you, Matt!" Maria called as she climbed up the stairs. I closed my eyes.

"I am _so_ sorry about my family," I said softly. Matt laughed.

"Your sisters are cute," he assured me. "I didn't mind them at all."

"Matt, can I ask you something?" He nodded. "What _are_ you doing here?"

The smiled faded a little bit. "I told you. For you."

I looked back down at the ground. To see me? He hadn't even spoken to me since he saw me kissing John back in April and now he had driven all the way to my home to come and see me? This was crazy. He couldn't send an email like a normal person?

"Matt, this is a little bizarre," I told him.

"Yeah, I know. It's just… I just had to see you." He looked around again before his eyes focused back on me. I smiled as our eyes locked again like old times. "Have you eaten breakfast yet?"

"Matt, you kind of woke my entire family up. It's what… 6:45 in the morning?"

He blushed in a very cute way. I almost sighed. "Let me take you for breakfast, then." I opened my mouth to protest, but he caught my hand and there was nothing I could do to protest. "Please? My treat for waking you up at such an ungodly hour."

I smiled. "Fine. I know a good 24 hour diner we can go to."

"Excellent. Go get dressed and I'll wait for you in the car?"

I hurried back upstairs and into my bedroom. Almost immediately after I had shut the door, it opened again and Mom and Tiffany slipped inside. I slipped out of my robe and tossed it onto the bed.

"I'm changing," I warned them.

"You're going out for _breakfast_ with him?" Tiffany whispered. "I thought you two were _history!_"

"Tiffany…" Mom sighed.

I shrugged and walked over to my closet. It took only seconds to select my favorite pink and yellow summer sundress. I slipped my nightgown up over the top of my head, tossed that onto my bed as well, and slid my dress on over the top of my head. I had bought it two summers ago in the Bahamas with Mom and Dad and it was easily the best fitting, most gorgeously tropical dress I owned. I adored it. I heard Tiffany giggle and I knew why.

"He hasn't ever seen me wear this," I defended myself. She laughed out loud.

"Yes, but everyone else has seen that thing a million times. You practically live in it. You _could_ buy some other dresses." Mom nodded slightly. "It's _not_ like we're _poor_."

"I _like_ this dress and I thought we were worrying about Matt right now," I reminded them as I yanked a pair of earthy straw woven sandals from my shoe rack in my closet and slipped them on my feet. "And, anyways, we _are_ broken up, but that doesn't mean that we were never going to go out ever again."

"So… he's dating you again?" Tiffany asked, looking confused.

I shook my head then shrugged. "I don't know." I rushed to my mirror and frantically began brushing out my curly hair. "God… do I even look alright?"

"Honey, you look fine." Mom hugged me from behind. "Hurry and get ready for Matt. You can tell us all the details when you get home again."

**48**

I picked at the remains of my scrambled eggs. Matt was still piling in his eggs, his second order of them, and looked as though he was going to be ready to order a third. I wanted to shake him and tell him that I didn't want to spend my whole morning feeling sick as I watched him ingest a whole henhouse worth of eggs. He finally glanced up.

"Are you full?" he asked, his mouth still full. I nodded.

"Uh huh."

He swallowed, took a sip of his orange juice, and sat still for a moment. He pushed his plate a little ways away and looked up at me.

"I came up here to see you," he said. I nodded again.

"I know. You already told me that."

"How do you feel about that?" he asked.

I looked down at the table. It was yellow with a red trim and had a few little cracks here and there. Someone else's eggs had hardened down near the edge by the aisle. I nodded slowly.

"I've missed you," I admitted, knowing that if I said more, I might start to cry.

"Shannon, I drove all this way because I couldn't stand not seeing you anymore." My eyes snapped up involuntarily to look into his. Was that true? "I've been thinking about you _constantly_. It's like I can't get your face out of my head."

I laughed. "You're stuck in my head, too."

Matt grinned. "Shannon, I think I made a big mistake. I shouldn't have brushed you aside like I did."

"No… but I was an idiot."

He shook his head with a sad look in his eyes. "No, honey. You were being honest. There's nothing stupid about that. I overreacted and… well, all right, you making out with your friend _was_ stupid, I'll say that, but it's mostly my fault."

"You're not angry with me?"

"No," he told me sincerely.

I breathed in a deep breath of relief. It was good to hear him say that he wasn't angry with me anymore. It was better to hear him say that he didn't think that I was stupid for worrying about marriage. The best part was having him finally sitting with me, here in Stoneybrook, too, and knowing that he was in love with me still. I reached over the table and took his hand. Matt smiled.

"I haven't been able to think straight since we broke up," I confessed. "You should've seen the stupid things I did."

"They probably weren't all that bad," Matt laughed.

"Oh, but they definitely were," I replied. "I got fired from jobs because I couldn't focus on them because you were crowding me up too much. It was awful."

He raised my hand to his lips and kissed my fingers. "Sorry, Shan."

"You should be!" I giggled. "Your face cost me two jobs!"

He frowned. "Wow. Thanks for the compliment."

"Oh, you know what I mean, Matt."

He leaned back in his chair, smiling at me. I copied his movements, content just to sit and stare at him, too. The more I stared at his face, the more I realized how much I really missed it and how much every little perfection or flaw meant to me. It was amazing how much that little gray hair at his temple made me want to sigh with a strange kind of relief. It was hard, trying to put words to something that I'm sure the human race couldn't put words to in the first place.

Matt sighed and looked at his watch. "It's eight o'clock."

I looked down at my own watch in surprise. "Wow! Already?"

He gave me one of his 'image that!' grins. "Hey, do you think it would be a big deal if I ran a quick errand while we're here in town?"

I nodded. "Sure. Where did you need to go? I can help you with it."

Matt shook his head. "Nah, it's personal, Shannon. I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind waiting around the diner or this general area for about ten or fifteen minutes while I run my errand."

Part of me felt suspicion bubble up inside, but the other part of me immediately squashed it down into the ground. I didn't really have the right to feel so suspicious of Matt, especially after I was the one to start making out with another guy right in front of him. I ought to just keep my mouth shut. So, instead of protesting, I nodded and smiled.

"Sure thing. I can wait."

**48**

Nearly an hour later and still no Matt.

The part of me which had felt suspicious at the start now felt cocky and vindicated, so I let it preen around, taunting me with it's little "I told you so!" squeaks of delight. I felt like a complete idiot.

The worst part was that I had trusted Matt, too. I hadn't seen this coming at all. I mean, I really thought that I had known him, but maybe I didn't after all. Maybe there's a completely different side to him that only emerges when he's really pissed off at someone and then he turns into this kind of a jerk. An obsessive jerk, too, to drive all the way to Stoneybrook just to abandon me at a local town diner and leave me feeling humiliated. Had he been planning this?

I sank down onto the concrete curb of the sidewalk. I didn't care if my favorite sundress got dirty from the sidewalk. I could wash it. Right now, I had to sit down and try to figure out what I was going to do.

If I called one of my family members, they'd immediately know that Matt left me here on my own and my humiliation factor would increase tenfold, even if my family tried extra hard to be nice about it. I know Tiffany, who has been prattling on and on all summer about how badly she needed a boyfriend, would secretly feel happy that my relationship was now permanently failed. Mom would try to comfort me like a baby while Dad would carry on constantly about what a loser Matt was.

No, I definitely could not call any of them.

None of my friends would understand either. They'd all have similar reactions as my family. Maybe nobody would be glad that my relationship was now officially in the trash, but everyone would try to make me feel better when I wanted to do was curl back up into bed and sleep away the rest of the day.

I flipped open my cell phone then closed it again. I looked up the street. It was quiet and mostly deserted. I supposed that I could just walk home. It would take maybe forty-five minutes or so, but maybe I could sneak into the house unnoticed.

Probably not, though.

"Shannon!" My heart skipped a beat in surprise as I jerked my head up to see the car that had stopped in front of me. It was Matt's car. He was leaning way over so that he could look down at me. "Come on, get it."

A milky red haze bubbled up inside my head. I tossed my hair back to glare up at him, my jaw clenching just as tightly as my fists were. I nearly jumped to my feet in fury, but managed to contain myself and stand up poised and stately.

"Do you realize how _long_ you left me sitting there?" I demanded, refusing to open the passenger side door. Matt frowned.

"I know. Everything took longer than I had expected." He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Shan. Hop in?"

"What _are_ you doing here?" I hissed at him and began to march towards my house. Matt groaned and started to follow alongside me with his car. "You show up at _the crack of dawn_, take me out to _breakfast_ then _ditch me?_ _What the hell is that?_"

"It's not what you think it is," he said.

"Well, _explain it_ because I have no idea what to think." I stopped and so did Matt's car. "Are you punishing me for kissing John?"

"_What?_"

"You _heard me_, Matt! Is this some kind of a punishment or something?" I glared at him. "Because it _really sucks_, Matt. I've babysat eight year olds more mature than this!"

"Get in the car," he said calmly.

I stared at him for a minute or so then grabbed onto the handle and wrenched the door open. Matt winced when I heaved myself into the seat and slammed the door as hard as I could behind me. I stared stonily ahead.

"Just take me home."

"All right, Shannon."

**48**

I knew something was going on the moment we pulled into the driveway and people began to spill out of the house, from the side yards, and from one of our neighbors' houses. I glanced quickly at Matt before focusing my attention on the people flooding our front lawn and driveway. There was still enough room for Matt to park the car, so he pulled in slowly.

I got out of Matt's car and looked around. Kristy Thomas was standing closest to me, grinning broadly. I leaned towards her.

"What is going on here?" I whispered in her ear. She was still dressed in what looked like her pajamas, complete with bare feet, but looked pleased and alarmingly smug. She shrugged her shoulders.

"Oh, you'll see," was all she would say. I bit down on my lip to keep from asking her a million other questions and crossed my arms to keep from shaking her back and forth. I couldn't tell if Kristy's sudden brush with the cryptic was due to being pregnant (maybe all pregnant women liked to have some kind of weird mystery around themselves) or because she was hiding something very interesting from me. Judging from the crowd of people around us, I was leaning on the latter.

Matt hurried into the house and left me alone with the mob of people, many of whom I was quickly beginning to recognize as friends and family. Startled and confused by what was happening, I let everyone hug and kiss me. Finally, Mom and Dad, followed by Tiffany and Maria approached me.

"What _is_ all of this?" I asked them suspiciously.

Mom and Dad exchanged a meaningful glance with one another. Tiffany actually reached out and grabbed onto Maria's hand. Maria's grin grew even wider and she hopped in place for a moment, as though she had all of this energy inside of her, waiting to bubble over and spill out. When nobody said anything, Maria giggled.

"It's _great_ news!" she said excitedly. Tiffany yanked her arm back.

"_No_, let Daddy tell her!" she scolded.

"_Mom!_"

"Tiffany's right, Maria," Mom said quietly. The three of us still almost to a stop at the quiet seriousness of our mother's voice. Mom looked at me and gave me a warm smile. "Shannon, darling, your father has some _very_ important news to share with you, but before he does I want to let you know that you will _always_ be my beautiful little angel and I will love you _forever_." She hugged me unexpectedly.

"_Wow_," I gasped, a little bit crushed in her arms. "_Thanks_, Mom. Really."

Mom pulled away a little, kissed my forehead then looked at Dad. He nodded seriously and took both of my hands in his.

"Shannon, Matt told us that he left you at the diner this morning." I nodded, feeling anger begin to swell up inside of me once more. Great, now everyone would know how humiliating that was. "Did he say why?"

"Well, he…" I looked around and could find no trace of Matt. I shook my head. "Actually, _no_, he didn't."

"He was over here, honey." I looked at Dad. "He was helping us put all of this together."

"Why?"

"Shannon, Matt asked me for something very dear to my heart this morning." Once more, my heart began to pound. It was as though I knew before he could finish telling me. "Matt asked me for your hand in marriage. He wants to _marry_ you."

"He does?" I whispered faintly, my hand flying to my mouth. I began to blink rapidly to keep my tears a bay. "_He does?_"

Dad nodded gently and used his hands to turn me so that I was facing the front door. Matt was there, standing on the front steps. I swallowed. I felt Dad lean against me and felt his breath in my ear. "I think he wants to ask you himself."

Somehow, Matt had managed to change into a neatly pressed suit and looked amazingly handsome, like he always did whenever he was forced into a suit. He grinned shyly at me before walking down the front path towards me. I felt my throat close up in horror as he pulled a small black box out of his pocket. I shook my head.

"Oh, no…"

He laughed softly. "Not the response I was hoping for, Shannon."

"Well, I didn't mean… I just… _Oh, God_…"

Everyone laughed this time and, looking around at everyone enjoying themselves at our awkward young love expense, I felt a smile crack through onto my face as well. I nodded slightly. Matt let out a shuddering breath.

"I had a huge speech planned, but I seemed to have forgotten it all, standing in front of you." I blushed. "But, what I do remember is this: I love you, Shannon and even though we haven't known one another long, I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love you. You're the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't believe that I let us go so long without being together over such stupid, silly little things." He looked around, as though remembering we had an audience. "I guess what I'm really trying to say, Shannon, is that there isn't anyone else in the world that I would rather be with. I know that and I'm sure of it. I want to ask you to if you're sure of it, too?"

When he sank down onto one knee, every single woman in the crowd sighed happily and I covered my hands with my face. He was really getting a kick out of this, though. I knew he was. I felt fingers intertwine with my own and pull my hands down so that I could look at him. Matt smiled.

"Shannon, will you do me the honor of growing old with me? Will you take care of me forever and let me love you for the rest of my life?" I nodded, tears starting to leak down my cheeks. A couple of girls began to giggle and I heard a few sniffles besides mine. "_Will you marry me?_"

"_Yes_," I whispered.

Matt slid the ring onto my finger, jumped up, and swung me into his arms. Everyone, all of my friends and family that I'm sure Matt and my parents and sisters had spent that hour rounding up, began to clap and cheer for us. When Matt finally put me down, I couldn't tell if I was dizzy from being spun or from being freshly engaged. I touched his face and grinned.

"We're going to get married?" I asked in awe. He smiled gently.

"Yeah."

I flung my arms around his neck and let out a sudden sob of relief, joy, and all the pent of frustrations that had been building up these past few months. Matt didn't ask why I had begun to sob, only held me. Everyone else cheered and continued to party while he rocked me back and forth until I finally could look back up at him.

"Are you all right?" he finally asked.

"I'm so glad you came," I confessed. "Matt, I've loved you this whole time and it's been eating me apart inside since you've been gone."

"I know. I've loved you all along, too."

His lips met mine gently and I knew that I didn't need to find any other means of distraction. I had Matt back and life would once more continue the way it ought to be.


	49. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

**Chapter 49: Somewhere Over the Rainbow**

**Mallory**

_July 23_

_Well, today will be a first, I think. Dad is sponsoring a baseball game outing (which is going to last the entire day and well into the evening) and, for once, all the males in our household will be gone. Mom is going out as well, to visit our Aunt Bev and Uncle Tim who just had a new baby, so it's just going to be us girls in the house. We can have a real girls' day today._

"So, what do you ladies want to do?" Claire asked us.

I looked around at my sisters. It's kind of strange and funny how four people from the same parents can look so much alike and yet look so different from one another. At this point, my hair has darkened a little more into a darker auburn red (though it's still not dark enough to be considered a "sexy red," at least in my opinion), my freckles are more pronounced from the extra time I've spent outside this summer, babysitting the Newton kids, and I've slimmed down considerably from how I used to be in middle school. Vanessa's dark brown hair is a little lighter than it was when she was younger and patchier, too. Her face is longer than mine is, but she's still at least two inches shorter than I am. Margo dyed her hair behind our parents' back (a strawberry blonde that actually looks really nice on her) and is cut a lot shorter than any of the rest of ours. She grew like a weed, too, and is the tallest of the four of us, looking like a willowy, beautiful stranger compared to us short Pike women. Claire's hair ended up curling like mine, though the red that also wound up in her hair ended up being the enviable auburn. She still has her baby fat and looks more or less like she did when she was five, only taller.

"Girly things?" Margo suggested, which was met by a grimace from Vanessa.

It's also funny how four people from the same gene pool can be so very different in personality as well. Vanessa is the family dreamer, always shy and quiet. She's usually off on her own, writing poetry, daydreaming, or just resting. She's a sucker for animals, especially since Mom and Dad let her have her own kitten after the accident. Margo is our all around average girl, despite her looks. She gets good grades, joins up with school groups and clubs, and plays soccer. She has a boyfriend, who is over here once in a while and is pretty nice. Claire, to the farthest extreme, is the most outgoing of the Pike girls. She's in one of those junior cheerleader programs, takes gymnastics and jazz dance, and is, not unexpectedly, what I would consider a "popular girl." Of course, being the baby of the family hasn't helped Claire very much, especially since she's used to everyone helping her and being the cutest, sweetest, and most adored.

Still, as different as we all are, there's a kind of love that sticks us together so tight that we couldn't break it apart, no matter how hard we tried. Bratty cheerleader or brooding high schooler (me), family is one thing can't be torn apart. At least, not in the Pike world.

Now, moving on past the Lousia May Alcott lecturing…

"Why don't go into town?" I suggested. Margo shrugged.

"What are we going to do in town?" she asked.

"Well, we could walk there and have time to talk as we went. Then, we could go window shopping and get lunch in town." Claire smiled.

"I _need_ to get some new jeans," she said. "Mom won't take me, though, because I have three good pairs and she says we can't afford to buy more pairs of jeans just for the heck of it."

"Well, we can't," Vanessa said, giving her an incredulous look. I smiled.

"You could bring your own money," I suggested gently and Claire sighed.

"Somehow, I knew you were going to say that." She shrugged her shoulder and rested her chin in her hands. "All right. I mean, I have to have a new pair of jeans, so I suppose I could use some of my spending money. I have been saving up for a long time."

"For what?" Margo asked. I felt surprised. Usually Claire and Margo knew one another inside out.

"Nothing in particular," Claire told her. "I guess, though, jeans."

"What do you guys think?" I asked. I already knew that Claire was in support of my 'going into town' idea, but I knew that Vanessa would be harder to convince. I supposed I could take back the walking idea, especially since it was hot outside and Vanessa had to protect her skin. I nodded at her. "We could always take the station wagon instead, if you don't want to walk."

"No, I think a walk into town would be nice, Mal," Vanessa said firmly. "I need to get out of the house and walk around. Besides, where would you park the car if we drove? It isn't like there's a parking lot for downtown Stoneybrook. I mean, blink and you miss it, right?"

Margo giggled. "Downtown Stoneybrook is kind of a joke."

"Come on," I told them, standing up to show them that I meant it when I suggested getting up and leaving. It wasn't so much that I wanted to do this and get it over with- it's just that when I have an idea planned, I want to follow through with it right away. It just tends to itch at the back of my brain until I do. "Does anyone need to get anything before we go?"

"My purse and money!" Claire said almost instantly and hopped off the couch. She hurried out of the room and I could hear her footsteps pounding upstairs. Vanessa shook her head as our baby sister ran off.

"I'd better get some sunscreen and my straw hat," she said.

I glanced at Margo who shook her head. "Not me. I've got a few bucks in my pocket and I don't burn."

I smiled. "Do you realize that when I used to baby sit for you guys, it would take sometimes up to half an hour to get ready to go any place?" Margo shook her head with a grin. "Honestly, we'd be just about to step out the door when someone would say they had to pee or would shout out something they had forgotten. Mom and Dad would go absolutely crazy whenever we went on big trips. One year, it took us over an hour just to leave the driveway because everyone kept running back inside to bring out something they forgot then we'd have to make run for it. Then, once that would be done, someone would have to go to the bathroom again or something." I shook my head. "It was crazy."

"You sound like you were our _mother_ or something," Margo said with a smirk.

"Well, don't envy being the oldest of eight kids, Margo," I advised her. "It's _like_ being a mom, only _much_ worse. At least Mom had a Mother's Day. There's not annual poor, abused, oldest sister celebration day."

Margo gave me a hug and I laughed. "The way you tell things, Sad Sack Pike, there ought to be."

"We're ready!" Claire announced, thundering back into the room.

"Did we miss something?" Vanessa asked.

Margo pulled away. "Not too much. Poor Mallory just feels unappreciated."

"What, _again?_" Vanessa groaned. "Get _over_ it, Mal."

"You people _wonder_ why I need to see a shrink," I said, rolling my eyes. "Come _on_ already. I can hear downtown shrinking as you people stand here and make fun of me."

"We would never make fun of you," Claire said sweetly, holding open the door for us. I stepped through first, with a big harrumph of disbelief. "At least, not to your face."

"_Thanks!_"

**49**

We came back home about three hours later, sweaty but happy. Claire found her new jeans in one of the little boutiques and ended up spending every last cent of her spending money (as well as bumming some money off of Margo and me). Vanessa bought an anthology of Edgar Allan Poe stories and poems. I purchased a stack of new notebooks, a fountain pen, and a few packs of mechanical pencils. Margo just looked around and settled for a strawberry ice cream cone.

The entire outing was a huge success. Not once did _any_ of us fight, which is rather extraordinary, considering the fact that we get into fights with one another at home on a regular, hourly basis. Not big, life altering fights, but frequent, nitpicking fights that just served to annoy each other and get one another's skin. Not even Claire and Vanessa found fault with one another.

I was very pleased with myself, something that was starting to happen more and more often. Lately, ever since I resolved myself to stop worrying about every single little thing that happened to me and my loved ones and to just start taking life as it came and enjoying it as it came, I've been finding myself smiling more. Today, I laughed just as much as I had laughed before the Ramsey accident and it was amazing. In fact, not once did I even think of poor Jessi. My therapist, Anna, would tell me that's a good thing. I'm starting to move on.

It felt kind of cheap, moving on past the deaths of someone else's family, like I didn't really have the right to do so. When I thought about it, really sat down and _thought about it_, I sometimes felt downright slimy whenever I spent a day or more not thinking about the Ramseys. Logically, that's not right, I've been told. I need to move beyond that because it isn't healthy to dwell on their deaths forever, even if they _were_ my own family. Nevertheless, logic doesn't usually mean anything to my emotions, which like to trample on logic's head and leave it dazed and dizzy in the corner of the room.

I went upstairs to the bedroom I shared with Vanessa. I saw her head downstairs into the basement once we got home, her newest purchase clutched tightly in her hands. I knew that she loved reading anything even remotely scary down in the basement, with all the creaks and moans, kind of like Dawn used to do when we were in middle school together. Of course, our house isn't haunted like we always were convinced Dawn's was, but reading horror stories in the darkened basement is still creepy.

I shook my head with amusement as I walked into our bedroom, shut the door behind me, and flung myself onto my bed. I had actually gotten around to making it today and it felt really nice to fall face first onto my smoothed out comforter. I sighed happily into it and closed my eyes. My legs were tired from walking for so long and I felt like I could lie that way forever.

Of course, after a few minutes, boredom set in and I wiggled up onto my bed, rubbing at my eyes. I looked around our room. I had no desire to read or write at the moment, nor did I really feel like leaving my room to hunt down any other kind of entertainment. I lifted my hips up and slid my cell phone out of my front pocket, figuring that I might as well catch up with some of my friends while I was feeling so deliciously tired in body, but active in mind.

The first thing I noticed was a missed call and a voicemail from Jessi. I deleted the missed call notice and opened the voicemail. Jessi's voice was in my ear, sounding more distressed than I had heard it in quite some time.

"Hey, Mal. Um, listen… I was just wondering whether or not you were busy right now. I guess you must be or else you would've answered the phone, right?" She let out a nervous bit of laughter before continuing. "Uh, do you think you could call me when you get this? I'm just… Mal, I'm _really_ starting to freak out right now. _I need you_. Thanks."

The voicemail stopped and I hung up my phone slowly. I had no idea what she was so upset about and a whole string of reasons started racing through my mind. I had to clear my throat loudly to snap myself out of imaging all the worst case scenarios as to why my best friend could possibly be so upset.

Once I had a bit more control over my head, I checked the time she had called. About a half hour ago, when I had been walking home with my sisters. I hadn't realized the phone had been set on silent and made a mental note to make sure undo that default setting since school was now out.

I got to my feet. Since Jessi had called so recently, I figured that my safest bet would be not to call her back, but to just go straight to her. The caller ID on my phone said that she had called from home (well, her new home), so she was probably still there. If she wasn't, I could always check to see where she was once I got there.

_Hang on, Jessi. I'm coming._

**49**

"God, Mal, I'm so embarrassed," Jessi said softly.

I glanced over at her. She was seated in the passenger seat of my station wagon, clutching a wet tissue in her hand and looking miserable. I nudged the box of tissues at her again and she took out a new one, but didn't use it right away. I sighed.

"Jessi, for the millionth time, _don't_ be," I told her. "You're my best friend. We're _supposed_ to be looking out for one another, aren't we? Isn't that the whole point of having a best friend in the first place?"

She nodded with a muffled sound hint of a laugh. "I _guess_. It's just… I'm sorry that I keep on dragging you into all of this stuff. You shouldn't _have_ to keep on dealing with all of this."

"_Stop it_," I advised. "Really. If I didn't _want_ to be doing this, I _wouldn't_ be."

"All right," she sniffled and fixed her gaze out the window.

We drove in silence, which was all right to me. It gave me a little extra time to think. Poor Jessi was being overwhelmed with grief right now, for no apparent reason that she was letting on to me, and had been crying for most of the afternoon while I had been having fun with my sisters. I didn't feel ashamed, like I might have felt earlier, before I had resolved not to feel so guilty about things which were never my fault to begin with. Of course, not feeling ashamed didn't mean I didn't feel bad that she was so miserable right now. I could almost feel the hurt pouring off of her body and wanted nothing more than to hug her and make everything all right again.

Instead, I just kept on driving.

When we reached the cemetery, I parked the car and sat behind the wheel. I didn't say anything. I wanted to follow Jessi's lead. This wasn't my family and this wasn't my grief. It wasn't my call when to get out of the car and take that first step.

By first step, I really do mean first step. Jessi had been far too sick to come to her parents' and brother's funeral and hadn't come to their graves between now and then. This was the first time that she had seen the Stoneybrook cemetery, a place where some of Jessi's family had objected to having her parents and brother buried. I didn't really feel that it would be a good thing to push her too fast.

"Where… uh, where are they buried?" she asked quietly. I looked over at her. She was still staring out the window.

"Close," I told her. "The oldest graves are in the back, near the woods. Actually, some of them even date back to the 1700's. Which is kind of cool, when you think about it. Mom and I went here once and did gravestone rubbings which is where you put a thin piece of paper over the stone and rub charcoal on the paper to get a copy of exactly what the stone looks like. My history teacher gave me an A on my history project and said that I really…" I trailed off. Jessi was staring at me. "Sorry."

"It's all right," she murmured. "Can we just… go? I don't think I can sit in here any longer. I feel like I'm going to burst."

I knew the feeling and nodded. We got out of the car and I made sure to lock it as Jessi headed towards the graves before I did. I followed carefully behind her, knowing that I could point out her family for her if she didn't find them herself. I knew she would be able to since they were in the front, but maybe grief does funny things to our senses.

After a couple of minutes, Jessi stopped dead in front of pair of gravestones that had been seared into my mind the previous autumn. I licked my lips cautiously and stopped about ten feet away from her, wanting to give her all the space she needed.

"Daddy," she whispered. "Mama. Squirt." She looked over at me. "None of those names are on the tombstones."

"No," I confirmed quietly. "They wouldn't be."

"That's who they were," she argued. "'Beloved Father,' 'Beloved Mother,' 'Beloved Brother?' Those sound so formal and stuffy. They don't sound like my family." Her voice sounded strained.

"I'm sorry."

"This is all that's left of them now," she said and suddenly sunk down to her knees. I took a step forward. She stared at her parents' marker for a long minute before slamming her palm hard against it. "This is _supposed_ to be my mother and father now?"

She burst into tears and sagged against the stone. I hurried to her side and sunk down onto the ground next to her. Jessi turned to me before I had the chance to decide whether or not to reach out to her and buried her head against my chest. I cradled her head with my hands.

"_That's not my family!_" she sobbed loudly. "_It's not!_"

"You're right," I soothed. "It's only a rock."

"But, they're _dead_ right underneath us, Mallory!" I swallowed. "This just says where they are. Oh, _God_, I don't even _make any sense_, do I?"

"That's all right."

"_It's not all right_," she moaned and tried to pull away from me. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders tightly, not knowing why letting her go was a bad idea, but just feeling that it was. She struggled against me, knocking me onto my bottom and spilling her fully into my lap. After a minute or so, she stopped struggling and just sobbed wildly against my chest. "_I hate you!_"

I closed my eyes. It was the only thing left I could do. There wasn't anything I could say to her to help her feel better right now. I couldn't possibly understand the pain she was in right now, so I couldn't possibly understand how she could cycle between loving me and hating me so fast. I started to rock back and forth.

"Why did this happen to me?" Jessi demanded through her tears.

"Not _to_ you," I told her. "It just _happened_."

"It's God. He _hates_ me. He _wants_ me to suffer."

I felt my own tears give way and splash down my cheeks. I shook my head. "_No_, Jessi. _Why_ would God want to make you suffer? What good would that do for anyone?"

"Maybe it's just some cosmic game," she moaned. She started crying harder again and didn't speak for another few minutes. "Have you read the Bible, Mallory?"

"Not much of it," I confessed. Mom and Dad hadn't really taken us to church. Grandpa Pike insisted that we attend Catholic mass at Christmas and we sometimes went to the church Mom grew up in on Easter, but otherwise, we weren't really churchgoers.

"There's a book in the Bible called Job," Jessi told me. I felt her push against me and this time allowed her sit up. She wiped her eyes. "God agrees to place a bet with the devil that no matter how much suffering Job endured, he would remain faithful to his God." She tapped her chest. "Maybe I'm Job?"

"Do you _really_ think so?" I asked her gently. "Do you _really_ think that God is playing a game with you, trying to see how much pain you handle? Do you _really_ believe that?"

"I don't know _what_ I believe anymore." She began to cry again, hard like before, and I took her in my arms once more. "Everything I _thought_ I believed in fell through when that truck hit our car. My _family_, my _health_, my _life_. I don't know that I can believe in a God who loves me anymore when I've been through so much and seen so much pain."

"Nobody's asking you to do anything right now," I said quietly. I rubbed small circles on her back as I resumed my rocking. "Really, Jessi."

She nodded and the more I rocked, the more her sobbing subsided. I closed my eyes again and began to think back to the things which helped me calm down my little brothers and sisters whenever they were sad or sick and crying. I cleared my throat and began to sing.

"_Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby_," I sang to her in my slightly off-key, slightly tone deaf voice. I heard Jessi give a small snort of laughter and felt myself swell happily as she snuggled closer against me. "_Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true._"

We continued that way for a long time. I don't know how many times I kept repeating the parts of the song that I could remember and I don't know how many times Jessi would be nearly silent then start to whimper again. I just know that it was dark before she finally pulled herself away from me, looking completely drained and exhausted.

"_Thank you_," she whispered. I leaned forward and hugged her.

"I _love_ you, Jessi," I whispered into her ear. "_Anytime_ you need me, I'll be there for you."

"I know." I helped her stand up and we started to head back to the car. I led the way and was startled almost to shrieking when a pair of arms suddenly wrapped around me from behind and squeezed tightly. "I love you, too."

I smiled. I was done now. It was finally over.


	50. What Hurts the Most

**Chapter 50: What Hurts the Most**

**Abby**

_July 25_

_Party time! There's nothing better to break up the monotony of a lazy summer than a nice, lazy picnic hosted by a friend's family._

"Hey! Watch it!"

I jumped out of the way as David Michael and Benny chased after Shannon the dog, who was soaking wet and carrying what looked like someone's shoe in her mouth. Mrs. Brewer chased after them for a few paces before cupping her hands around her mouth to shout at them.

"Get Mrs. Kishi's shoe away from the dog, David Michael!" she shouted. "Then lock her up in the kennel!" She looked at me, smoothed her hair away from her face and smiled. "Hello, Abby. How are you?"

I grinned. "Clearly less stressed out than you are. How did Shannon get Mrs. Kishi's shoe?"

"I don't have Mrs. Kishi's shoe," Shannon the girl said as she approached us. She was carrying a plate with an assortment of veggies, cheese, and chips on it. I took a couple of carrots from her and crunched down on one.

"Not _you_," I said after rolling my eyes. "_The dog._"

"I was _joking_."

I looked around. "Where is the food?"

"Is that all you ever think about, Abby?" Shannon asked. Mrs. Brewer sighed and looked back in the direction that the dog and the boys had run. "It's amazing that you don't weight three hundred pounds already."

"What can I say? I have an amazing metabolism."

"I'd better go make sure that they aren't playing 'monkey in the middle' with Mrs. Kishi's shoe," Mrs. Brewer fretted before taking off to scold her children. Shannon shook her head sadly.

"I hope I _only_ have girls," she told me. "Boys are nothing but trouble."

"Yeah, but they're fun." I tried to pinch a square of cheese from Shannon's plate, but she slapped my wrist. "_Hey!_ I just wanted some cheese!"

"Well, the food is right over there. Go get your own plate and stop picking off of mine," she said, swinging her plate away from me when I tried a second time to get some cheese away from her. "Go, Abby. It's not like there's a line for cheese and crackers or anything."

"Some friend you are," I grumbled half-heartedly and wandered to the tables where several platters of veggies and cheeses had been laid out. Since we only lived a few houses away from the Brewer-Thomas household, I arrived early to the party. That meant that all the food was fresh from the fridge and hadn't been picked over yet. I selected a plate and began piling food onto it.

I knew the party hadn't been Kristy's idea. The fact of the matter was that Kristy really hadn't been all that socially active in the last few weeks. I don't know if it was because she was big enough to need to have a license plate or because she just wasn't feeling very well, but she wasn't really returning anyone's calls. I stopped by a couple of times to just say hello, but usually left after only a few minutes since she didn't seem willing to keep up her end of the conversation. I knew that everyone was concerned with Kristy's depression, but I wasn't sure that throwing a huge party with everyone and their mother invited was _quite_ the best way to cheer her up.

Looking around, I could see that, so far, a lot of people that Kristy knew and cared about had shown up. That, at least, would probably cheer her up a little bit. The whole Kishi family, plus a man who I assumed was Janine's fiancée, were standing around by the grill. Mr. Brewer was fiddling with the kerosene tank while Mr. Kishi was crouched beside him, pointing things out. The other man was poking a stick into the top. I wasn't exactly sure what they were trying to accomplish, besides blowing themselves to pieces, but I figured it was best to just let them to whatever they were attempting to do in peace.

Scooping a spoonful of French onion dip onto my plate, I turned and almost bumped into another blonde, who let out a startled sound.

"Abby, watch out!" she said.

I grinned. "Stacey McGill, what are you doing, standing right behind me when I have a plateful of food? Did you _want_ me to spill it and have to kill you as a result?"

She laughed. "No, I was just coming over to get some carrots and peppers." She grimaced at my plate. "Do you realize that all of that cheese will probably make you constipated?"

"It will not," I snapped. "Besides, some of us have stronger stomachs and can handle cheese better than others of us."

Stacey shrugged. "Whatever you say, just don't come crying to me when you can't poop tomorrow."

"Don't worry, I won't bring my bathroom woes to you," I told her and she smiled back at me.

Stacey walked over to where the vegetables were and I walked along beside her. I didn't say anything as she put a few of each into a paper napkin and turned back to me. Wordlessly, we both headed over to the backyard of the Brewer-Thomas estate and sunk down beneath one of the massive oak trees growing back there. I sighed contentedly as I munched my way through some cheese and cracker. I could see David Michael closing the gate to the kennel in the back where they kept the dogs in the summertime so that they wouldn't destroy the entire backyard while Benny returned to the front yard with Mrs. Kishi's shoe.

"Stacey?" I asked quietly.

"Mmm?"

"How are you doing?"

She was quiet for a moment and I felt embarrassed. She probably didn't want to talk about, especially with me. After all, Stacey and I weren't especially close, we really just hung out whenever there was a big group get together like today. I popped another piece of cheese into my mouth, feeling my face turn red.

"I'm… all right," she said slowly. I turned my face to look at her. She was staring off towards the front yard, like she was deliberately trying hard not to look at me. "At least, I think I'm getting to be all right. I just don't know what to expect anymore, you know?" When she looked at me, I nodded swiftly, as though I had no control over my head and neck. "I'm a huge control freak and this thing has really made me realize how little control I have over things."

"That's rough." I didn't really know what to say. What _do_ you say? "How did he send that email anyways? I thought he was in jail?"

"He asked a friend to send it for him," Stacey said softly. "He gave his friend his email account and password and told him word for word what to write. The prick."

"Yeah," I murmured. We sat in silence for a while and just ate our food. Gradually, I could tell by the rising din of conversation that more and more people were arriving. I touched Stacey's shoulder gently. "Do you want to go and mingle?"

She grinned. "Mingling is what I do best."

**50**

"Abby, did you try this potato salad?" Mom asked me. "It's fabulous."

"Glad you like it," Mrs. McGill replied. She was sitting at the end of our picnic table, next to Stacey and Jessi Ramsey. "It's an old family recipe. I was thinking about changing it up a little bit, but I decided that it's better not to try to fix something when it isn't broken."

"The apples are a great touch." Mom ate another forkful thoughtfully and smiled. "I mean, it really is good."

"Thanks."

"She loves praising the cook," Bob, Mom's boyfriend, teased her. Mom nudged him with a grin. "Every single time I cook for her and the girls, she's always going on and on about how wonderful everything I make is. It's great for my self esteem."

"I'm just glad that I didn't have to cook it myself," Mom defended herself. Mrs. McGill laughed. "I suppose I don't really care _who_ cooks for me so long as it tastes good and _I_ didn't have to lift a finger to help with it."

"_Lazy_," Bob murmured and pressed a kiss to her lips. I looked away, feeling the usual hot embarrassed blush heat up my face as they kissed. I was all right with them dating and I loved that Bob made my mother happy, but that didn't mean that I liked to watch my mother kiss my old gym teacher. It was still a little bizarre. "No wonder the girls memorized the numbers for every take out place in town."

"Not everyone is as excited about making homemade pizzas and lasagnas as you are, _honey_," Mom told him. She was right. Like my mother, I had inherited her hatred of spending time in the kitchen. I would just as soon pick up a menu for Chinese food than to try and grill a steak.

They kissed again and I glanced over at Anna who gave me a sympathetic smile. At least there was one other person at the table who felt the same way I did about this whole dating thing.

Abruptly, Bob cleared his throat and stood up. Everyone at the table turned to look at him.

"Can I have everyone's attention?" he called loudly enough so that everyone at the party, at all of the tables, turned to stare at us. I slouched down a little bit, feeling my cheeks heat up again. "There's something that I'd like to do while I have a big audience to witness it."

"Oh, no!" Anna gasped, pressing her fingertips to her lips. I looked over at her.

"What?"

"What do you think, Abby?" was all she would say. Her mouth fell open into a small "O" of shock and I turned around in my seat to stare hard at Bob.

"Rachel, would you mind stepping over here?" he asked, taking Mom's hand and leading her towards a patch of grass. She was laughing and looking around like this was all some kind of huge, ridiculous joke. Everyone was chattering in low voices, grins on their faces. Something in my head was refusing to click into place. Maybe I didn't want it to.

Bob knelt onto one knee and I almost jumped out of my seat in disproval. Mom let out a gasp and nearly leaped away from him. Everyone at the picnic burst out laughing as she covered her face with her hands and shook her head. I could tell by the blush on her face that she was embarrassed, but when she lowered her hands and let Bob take one of them again, she was laughing, too. He pulled out a black box from his back pocket and her laughter froze on her face. When he opened it and slide the ring onto Mom's suddenly limp finger, she just stared down at it.

"Rachel, would you do me the honor of being my wife?" he asked.

I could hear my heart thundering in my ears so loud that even the sounds of the people whispering and murmuring at my table could be heard. After a moment or so, Mom reanimated and a bright smile appeared on her face. She nodded happily and squeezed his hand.

"Of course," she laughed and Bob swept her into his arms. The picnic burst into cheers and wild clapping for the newly engaged couple. Shannon Kilbourne looked especially satisfied. I felt like I was going to be sick.

What was _wrong_ with me? My mother had just accepted an engagement proposal from a really decent man and here I was, wondering how early I could slip away to a bathroom so that I could be sick. My stomach was twisting into knots and sweat was beading on my forehead. I should be happy, my brain kept screaming, but nothing was working. I pressed my palm to my eyebrows and closed my eyes.

"Abby?" Anna asked softly. "Are you all right?"

"Anna, I have to go inside. I… something isn't settling right." I glanced at my twin. She knew I was lying, but nodded sympathetically anyways. She nudged.

"I'll let Mom know that's where you went," she said softly.

I smiled gratefully, got to my feet, and rushed into the mansion. Each footstep pounded inside my skull as I nearly jogged inside and once I closed the door behind me, I covered my ears with my hands and let out a low moan. I sank down so that I was resting on the balls of my feet and didn't move for a long time. At least, I didn't move until I felt a hand reach down to touch my shoulder.

I jumped and looked up. A massively pregnant Kristy Thomas was standing in front and above me, a concerned look on her face. I pulled my hands away from my ears.

"What's wrong?" she asked gently.

I shook my head. "Nothing."

"Oh, come on, Abby," she groaned. "You _really_ suck at lying. You're crouched on the floor in my kitchen, with your ears covered, and you're trying to tell that there isn't _anything_ wrong with you?"

I sighed. "Mom and Bob just got engaged. Like, _just now_, right outside. In front of Stoneybrook."

Kristy nodded. "That's rough." She looked me over. "Come on, get up. You can't be comfortable like that."

"I'm _fine_," I grumbled. She nodded then turned around so that she could settle herself into a chair. I watched her closely, feeling resentful that she was so calm and sure about this whole engagement thing. "You don't understand what I'm going through, Kristy, so stop pretending to be so sympathetic."

Kristy blinked, looking surprised. "Abby, I have a stepfather, too. I was _just_ as upset as you are when Watson proposed to Mom. Believe me, I understand."

"Your dad's _alive_," I snapped. How dare she even _begin_ to compare us? I was beginning to feel anger rise up in me against her and she had barely done anything. Still, I couldn't stop myself. "You can see your dad _whenever_ you want."

"That's not true and you _know it_, Abby," Kristy said, her gentle, helpful voice draining into a hurt, confused one. "Why are you picking a fight with me?"

"Because you _always_ try to pretend that you know _everything!_" I shouted. "Kristy Thomas, world class know-it-all! She'll solve _all_ your problems because she can fix everything!"

"You're just upset about the engagement," Kristy said quietly and dismissively. Part of me could sense that she was trying to explain away my remarks to soothe herself and that part of me screamed at the rest of me to shut up. I don't listen to myself very well.

"_Shut up, Kristy!_" I snapped. "Stop trying to fix me and work on fixing yourself!"

Kristy just stared at me for a long time before she looked away quickly. In the moment before she looked away, I could see tears building up in her eyes. I closed my own eyes as she looked away, wishing I had just shut up. When I opened my eyes again, Kristy's neck was bent so that her face was looking away from me and it was obvious that she was trying to cry silently.

"Kristy-"

"Get out."

I nodded. I deserved to be told to leave, after all. I got to my feet and let myself out the door wordlessly.

**50**

I had a lot of time to think before Mom, Bob, and Anna came home. The picnic was still in full swing. So, I sat down on my bed with a notebook, a pen, and a photograph of my father. I chewed on the bottom of my pen for a minute or two before composing a letter to him.

**50**

_Dear Dad,_

_It's me, Dad. Abby. I know that I don't really need to write you a letter because all I need to do is just think hard enough and I know that you can hear what I'm trying to say. I know that I can say your name out loud and feel your presence around me like a warm, safe blanket. Still, one of the things I remember the therapist, who Mom made me see right after you died, suggested was writing a 'goodbye letter' to you so that I could start to let go and not feel so bad. I told that I never wanted to let go and that you were always going to be there, no matter what._

_But, Dad, things have gotten so much more complicated since I was nine. I'm not a little girl anymore. I know that you're always there for me and I do feel you near me when times get rough, but I know that you're not just invisible and untouchable, just out of my reach. Death is different from that and I think that I've forced myself to refuse to really understand what death is because if I did, that would mean loosing you a second time around. I don't want to lose you again, Dad._

_I want to be a good girl for Mom, Dad, I really do. I know that you'd be disappointed in what a brat I've been about this whole thing. I know that if she had died, she would've wanted you to date again and find someone to love as well. But, Dad, no matter how logically I explain it to myself, it still feels like Bob is a replacement father. __You're__ my dad, not him. Dad, I just don't know how to stop these feelings. I feel like I'm betraying __everyone__ and the worst part is that I just can't stop._

_What hurts the most, Daddy, is the __real__, physical pain of your death. When I was little, it didn't hurt quite so much as it does now. It's like this never ending ache that comes and goes, depending on what triggers it. When Bob proposed, I felt like I was going to die, my whole body and soul and mind hurt so badly. I wanted to scream, it hurt so much, but there wasn't anything I could do._

_Daddy, I guess the only thing I can do anymore is just comfort myself with knowing that you are still with me, even if I can never touch or see you. I can sense your love, especially now as I write this, and I know that you're always going to look out for me. So, please, Dad. Please just stay near me and help me to get through this in one piece._

_I miss you so much, Daddy.__ I really do. There's nothing I would've give to have you back again._

_Love,_

_Abby_

**50**

After I wrote and sealed my letter, I climbed into bed and sobbed myself to sleep. I dozed fitfully for the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening, until I heard the rest of my family come home. Throwing off the covers, I raced downstairs. Mom looked relieved to see me and collected me in her arms.

"Where did you go?" she asked softly.

"I didn't feel well," I whispered.

"Do you feel better?" Anna asked, knowing me perfectly well. She knew why I had left. I pulled away from Mom and nodded.

"I'll be all right." I captured Bob's hand before he had the chance to wander into the living room to watch TV. "Congratulations. I really mean it."

"We would never doubt you," Bob said and kissed the top of my head. "And, thank you. Thank you for everything, Abby."

I nodded, tears once more in my eyes. "Yeah."

Anna motioned Mom and Bob to watch TV and held me as I cried quietly against her shoulder. She knew that I was crying for Dad and stroked my back and hair gently. Sometimes, I don't know how I could survive without Anna, who knows exactly how to soothe and heal me whenever I need her.

Eventually, when there were no more tears left to cry, I slipped into the living with Anna and the four of us watched a movie like a normal, _whole_ family.


	51. How to Save a Life

**Chapter 51: How to Save a Life**

**BSC**

_July 26_

_**Kristy**_

I couldn't sleep. It was two in the morning, but I was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring into the darkness of my bedroom.

I had to pee every five seconds and my head was pounding, threatening to bring on a migraine. The baby felt heavy inside me and I hated moving because any little movement usually brought the baby straight down on my bladder.

I also couldn't get the argument with Abby out of my head. How dare she tell me that I was lucky to have a father I could see whenever I wanted to? Did she even _bother_ to listen at all whenever I told her about Patrick? He would never win a "Father of the Year" award, what after running out on his wife and kids like he did. Still, Abby insisted that _I_ was lucky.

Unable to sit still anymore, I heaved myself to my feet and tossed a sweater around my shoulders. I had to get out of the house. Walking was supposed to help get the baby ready to be delivered, right? So, I could go on a little walk and get back into bed. Maybe, too, I'd be able to get some sleep before I had to really get pushing this thing out.

The night air was crisp, like I had thought. Without thought, I just started to walk, my legs relishing the feeling of some real exercise after being cooped up for so long. I had refused to let any doctors watch over me, but since Nannie had a lot of experience with pregnant women and babies, she was kind of like a midwife to me. Mom and Watson weren't too happy about this arrangement since they kept going on about how risky it was that I was refusing medical care, but part of me didn't care anymore.

I came to a stop when I reached a park about a mile from the house. My feet were positively throbbing by this point and I looked around. It was one of those nice parks with a giant wooden playground that Mary Anne, Claudia, and I used to go to when we were little. I used my hands to push aside the underbrush to get into the park, knowing that I could rest for a bit on a bench before turning back around for home.

There was a bridge that I would have to cross before reaching the benches, but instead of irritating me, it made me grin. Nothing but good memories were associated with this bridge. Claudia, Mary Anne, and I were marauding pirates and this was our fort. We'd stash our book bags under the bridge, use the water to build up little walls, and spend hours talking over plans to strike out other areas of the park.

I brushed the wooden rail with the tips of my fingers and felt my smile grow wider. Maybe my baby would come here, too, and pretend to be a pirate under this bridge. I began to walk slowly over the bridge, minding the sickening creak of wood, but knowing I could get across without harm.

I was wrong.

Halfway over, the wood turned out to be rotten and groaned miserably before snapping underneath my weight. My leg went straight through the plank, splinters ripping through my jeans and into my skin. As the plank broke, the rest of the bridge where I was gave way and lurched.

Before I could figure out what was really happening, the bridge was resting on my leg, which was screaming with sickening pain, and my body in the water of the creek below. The back of my head throbbed as did my back. I reached up to touch my head and found blood on my fingertips.

"Oh, no," I moaned miserably.

A cramp ripped through me and it didn't take a genius to figure out what that cramp was. I clenched my teeth together and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't ball my hands into fists- one hand was coated in wooden splinters while the other was weak in the wrist and probably broken. Finally, panting, I managed to slump back down and opened my eyes again. I began to cry.

"_Help me!_" I sobbed miserably, cursing myself for going on a walk at two in the morning.

_**Mary Anne**_

The phone rang at seven in the morning. I raised my head off the pillow and stared at it in disbelief. Next to me, still covered from head to toe in blankets, Logan mumbled something incoherent. I rolled my eyes and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Mary Anne?"

"Mrs. Brewer?" Kristy's mom was calling at seven in the morning? Had Kristy just gone into labor? I immediately began to wake up and straightened up. "What's going on?"

"It's Kristy," she said, her voice strained.

"Is she at the hospital already?" I asked, feeling my excitement growing with every passing second. I swung my legs over the side of the bed.

"No, Mary Anne. We can't find her."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. How could they lose Kristy? How could she possibly be missing?

"How…?"

"Have _you_ seen her?" Mrs. Brewer asked and I could then tell that she had been crying. I swallowed.

"No, but I'm getting up now and I'll help you look for her."

"Mary Anne, where could she _be?_" Mrs. Brewer asked. "She wouldn't just run off like this, especially when the baby is due any day now. She's not stupid or irresponsible like that."

"I know," I said soothingly. "Listen, Mrs. Brewer. I'm coming right over and I'll bring some people over to help."

"Thank you so much, sweetheart."

We hung up and I stared at my bedroom wall in shock. Kristy was missing. My oldest friend and one of my best was nowhere to be found and she was nine months pregnant and ready to deliver her baby. She could've have just wandered off, could she? My mind began to race unpleasantly. What if she had been taken instead?

I jumped when I felt a hand on my back. I whipped around to see Logan's sympathetic eyes searching mine. My heart was pounding so hard I was surprised that he didn't see it through my shirt.

"It's Kristy, isn't it?" he asked. I nodded. "I'm coming with you and I'm sure Alan will, too. I can even call some buddies from high school to come look for her."

I bent down quickly and kissed him deeply. Logan didn't respond immediately, probably out of surprise, but finally cupped my face in his hands and returned the kiss. When I pulled back for air, he kissed my nose and cheeks gently.

"It'll be all right," he soothed.

_**Shannon**_

"I _want_ to help!" Karen cried out. "Why can't _I_ help you?"

I was holding toddler Grace in my arms and she was touching my hair carefully, her pudgy fingers softly twisting and wrapping around my blonde hair. For once, she was silent. I looked from Karen to Mr. Brewer. He shook his head.

"Karen, _no_. You _have_ to stay at home," he said firmly.

"_But, why?_"

"_Because I said so!_" he said infuriatingly and Karen looked like she wanted to scream in protest. If I were her, I might have. Instead, I reached down and began to play with Grace's delicate hair with my free hand. She smiled softly at me then rested her head against my chest. Mr. Brewer looked at me. "Thank you for staying with the kids, Shannon."

"Someone has to," I replied. Karen shook her head in continuing disbelief. "Come on, Karen. Let's find something to keep our minds off of this."

"Why?" she asked as her father and stepmother hurried out the door. The rest of the Brewer-Thomas kids were standing around, looking lost and confused. "What's the point in trying to keep ourselves busy if we keep on thinking in the backs of our minds that Kristy is out there, probably hurt, and we have no idea where to find her?"

"_Stop it, Karen_," Benny pleaded suddenly.

I crouched down and set Grace on the ground. Since it was the seven of us (David Michael, Benny, Karen, Andrew, Emily Michelle, Grace, and me), there weren't any other adults for her to go rushing to. Instead, Grace sat down on the floor and looked a little lost and forlorn. I reached out for Karen's hand and she let me take it.

"What's really wrong?" I asked and she looked away quickly.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't feel good," Andrew whined and pressed against my side. I wrapped an arm around him and sunk down onto the ground into a sitting position.

Andrew slid into my lap and pressed his head against my chest like Grace had done. Seeing Andrew where she had been Grace began to whimper, so I reached out and pulled her into my lap as well, so that she was kind of sitting Andrew's lap. He cradled her in with us protectively and she sighed her content. The other kids stared at us for a minute or so before David Michael and Benny sat close next to me on either side. David Michael allowed Emily Michael into his lap, while Karen sat next to Benny, leaning her head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around her.

Under any other circumstances, this would've been the most comfortable, beautiful display of family love I had ever witnessed. It still was beautiful, but it was so very sad, knowing that these kids were all heartbroken and sick with worry over their beloved older sister.

I pressed a kiss to Grace's head and closed my eyes. I hoped the people out in the field were having some kind of luck.

_**Jessi**_

I looked around the schools a few times. I don't know what possessed me to do that, but I did. I knew that Kristy sometimes like to watch kids play on the playground, especially with me, and talk about what kinds of things her baby would be doing.

She was fairly certain that her baby would adore the swings, especially jumping off of them at the peak of their swing, the slides, and the monkey bars. She wasn't so sure about the teeter totter or the merry go round.

I gazed around one more time. I was fairly certain I'd be able to see a woman as pregnant as Kristy on a fairly deserted playground, but I had to keep looking until I absolutely positive that she wasn't there.

_**Dawn**_

"I can't believe I was such a _bitch_," Abby sobbed. I was holding onto her as we sat on the steps leading up to the library. She was shaking with her tears, her sobs ragged with strain. She was holding onto the hem of my shirt with a tight fist, as though she was afraid that I would go flying off and disappear as well. I rocked her back and forth as best I could. "I said such _horrible_ things to her! Maybe she ran away _because of me_, Dawn."

I shook my head. "Abby, I _really_ don't think that's the case. Kristy isn't such a drama queen that a silly little fight would make her do something as stupid as trying to run away when she's nine months pregnant." Abby let out another sob, though, admittedly, this one didn't sounds quite as wildly despairing as the ones that came before it. "She probably just went out and something happened to keep her from coming home."

"Do you think she's _hurt?_" Abby asked, horrified.

I looked away, not answering, and Abby groaned. I didn't want to think of all the horrible possibilities of what could have happened to Kristy. She was so frail and vulnerable right now, pretty much anything could happen to her. Some sick freak could've taken advantage of her weakness and done whatever he wanted to her. She could be lying dead somewhere… the baby could be someplace else, even. Oh, _God_.

"Dawn?"

I blinked and felt myself snap out of it. "Yeah?"

"You looked like you were about to throw up."

"Come on," I said, hearing the shaking in my voice. "Let's see about the library."

_**Kristy**_

I had never experienced so much pain in my entire life as I did lying in that cold creek, a heavy bridge weighing down my broken leg and labor pains ripping through me. Mostly, I kept my eyes open, so that I could focus on something solid whenever the pain became increasingly intense, though once the wave was over, my head would fall back and my eyes would close in exhaustion.

I was also surprised with how exhausted I was. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I couldn't do that, even if I tried. My mind was racing with sometimes insanely incoherent thoughts and would dwell on the most inane things.

For instance, I spent what must have been hours thinking that it was lunchtime and how horrible everyone was for forgetting to find me for lunch.

_**Mallory**_

I heard crying and my ears immediately perked up. I started running, setting off my fitter and more athletic brothers and sisters in the direction I was running in. Most of them groaned when all we found was Claire, sitting on the ground, her back pressed against the sewage drain. Her eyes were bloodshot from tears and she looked understandably surprised to see everyone suddenly rush at her. She started to stand, but I shook my head.

"It's all right," I said, crouching down beside her.

"Come on," I heard Byron instruct the others and waited in still silence until the rest of the kids had once more dispersed into the woods. I cleared my throat.

"Are you hurt?" I asked. I knew she wasn't. Claire shook her head.

"Do you have any Kleenex, Mal?" she asked in a little voice. I dug into my pocket and, like a good big sister, delivered a thick wad to her. She peeled one off and dabbed her wet cheeks with it. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I said gently. I settled down onto my bottom and winced. The grass by the drain was damp. "I feel like crying, too."

"Why don't you?" Claire asked. "Kristy is my favorite baby sitter, but she's one of your best friends, besides Jessi. Why don't you cry, too?"

"Because I can't cry all the time," I told her quietly, taking her hands gently in mine. I rubbed them between mine to warm them up. The heat of the past month or so had suddenly snapped last night with a chilling rain storm and, though it was still in the 70's, it felt much colder. "Come on, Claire. We have to get up and keep looking."

"I want to go _home_."

"I'll stay with you," I promised her. She looked up at me through her bangs. I could see her nibbling on her lower lip indecisively. "We can find Kristy together." I didn't add 'so that if she's maimed or something we don't have to go through finding her alone.'

Claire nodded and I helped her to her feet. She held tight to my hand as I started to walk and I looked down at it.

"Please?"

I wrapped my arms around her suddenly and pressed a fierce kiss to the top of her head. God, I loved my sister. Call me a wicked person if you'd like to, but I was glad that it wasn't one of my own brothers or sisters who was missing.

_**Stacey**_

Mom and I drove around the side roads of Stoneybrook since nearly eight in the morning. It was almost six in the evening. Mom made us take breaks so that I didn't get sick and go into insulin shock. I almost fought her the first time, lunchtime, but I realized how pitifully useless I'd be to Kristy if I was gorked out at some hospital, waiting to be pumped full of drugs.

I pressed my face against the cold glass on my passenger window. Mom was driving slower than the speed limit, but it didn't matter. We were away from most traffic now and into corn fields. I almost told her to stop and turn around, but couldn't. Maybe Kristy really had come out this way and the moment I said turn around, Kristy would be waiting just five more feet away from us. We'd miss her because I had given up.

I sighed miserably and felt Mom's hand rest on my thigh. I rested my hand on top of hers.

"Stacey, are you sure you're up for this? It's kind of stressful."

I shook my head. "I'd be worse at home, worrying about where she was."

"Yeah. That's true."

"You don't think she's… dead or… _worse?_" I asked, not looking at my mother. The car slowed to a stop and I knew it was my cue to look over. I refused.

"Stacey, do you think anyone would _want_ to hurt someone like poor Kristy?"

I shrugged. "Maybe?"

Mom's hand caressed my cheek. "I can't believe what he's done to you."

"Can we just keep looking?" I asked, finally looking at Mom. I could barely stand the pity in her eyes. She nodded, looking a little teary eyed.

"Sure, honey."

_**Claudia**_

I stood next to Mary Anne. We were eating pizza at her parents' house, standing around the kitchen table instead of sitting. I was too nervous to sit and when Mary Anne realized that, she refused to sit down as well. Nobody said anything to us, though Logan did stand up with us once he realized that we weren't going to eat sitting down. After barely choking down one slice of pizza, I set down my plate.

"Thanks for the pizza, Mr. Spier," I murmured. He nodded and Mrs. Spier patted my hand.

"Claudia, would you like to spend the night over here with the other kids?" I looked around. I knew that Alan Gray was definitely staying over, with Dawn, and figured from the way she was speaking that Logan was probably also spending the night. It made me long for Jack.

"I don't know yet," I confessed. "I need to get back outside. I can't sit down."

"We can see that," Alan said softly. I glanced at him quickly, expecting a smart mouth remark to follow, but none did. Instead, he just gazed back at me with mild, sad eyes. He looked at Dawn then pushed his chair back. "I'm going back out, too."

It didn't take long to sort ourselves out. Now that it was starting to grow dark, Mary Anne's father insisted that we at least go in pairs while we searched for Kristy. Alan and Dawn decided to once more check out the shops and public buildings in Stoneybrook while Logan decided to check out the athletic fields. Mary Anne and I paired off and decided to look into the old places we used to play when we were little kids.

We didn't say much, if anything at all, while we walked. Mary Anne was visibly crying, but was doing a good job of staying quiet, so I pretended that I didn't notice. I kept my eyes peeled, but my head down and my hands twisting together in front of me.

Mary Anne stopped and sighed when we reached our first destination. "Remember this place?"

"Yeah," I said softly. Kristy's dad had brought us here when he was still around. It was the only place where Mary Anne cut loose and really played with us. "You were a mad woman."

"Pirate," she corrected. She kicked aside the bent and broken underbrush. "Someone's already been here."

"Probably some kids," I told her.

We walked slowly and carefully into the park, Mary Anne carefully shining her flashlight into every single crevice she could find. Suddenly, a scream ripped from her lips and the flashlight tumbled from her fingers. I took a couple steps forward and knew why she had screamed.

Lying at the bottom of a broken bridge, in the creek below, was a clearly dazed Kristy Thomas.

_**Kristy**_

Someone screamed.

Was it me? I screamed sometimes, but I stopped because they didn't do any good. Nobody came here anymore. Screaming didn't work anymore. Maybe people had forgotten what screams sounded like.

"_Kristy?_" a strangely familiar yet distorted voice called out.

I opened my mouth to say that it was me lying here, but couldn't find the strength. Instead, I watched as two figures rushed towards and around me. Their shadows swallowed me up and I had to shut my eyes to keep from vomiting from the sudden dizziness of their movements. Something softer than rocks cradled my neck.

"… ambulance… doesn't look… broken…."

_Was my baby all right?_ I wanted to ask. I couldn't tell if I had the baby or not. The labor pains were still coming, but they weren't as frequent as before. Did the fall mess something up? Were the fast pains from the fall and were these the real pains?

"Kristy… you are?"

"_What?_"

"… disoriented."

I closed my eyes and when I opened them only an instant later, I was surrounded by white. I began to choke in fear that I was dying. Voices, without understandable words, were above me. Then, mercifully, a familiar face floated above me. I felt my cracked, bloody lips smile.

"Mary Anne."

"Hi, honey," she whispered. "It's all right. You're in a hospital."

"It's all white." I closed my eyes. "Am I _dying?_"

"You have to have an operation to have the babies."

I started to cry then. Her fingers brushed soothingly along my temples and she cooed softly. I could hear the nonsensical voices. "My baby is going to _die_."

"You have to have the operation," she said. "Don't worry, Kristy. You'll be asleep and won't feel a thing. Claudia and I will be waiting outside for you and we'll make sure that your parents find you all right, OK?"

"Mary Anne, stay with me, all right?" She kissed my forehead and I felt my bed begin to move. I let out a shriek of panic and struggled to get up and away. Mary Anne pressed my shoulders to the bed and I sobbed harder. I shook my head. "It _hurts_! Please, I'm scared!"

"I'll be there when you wake up, I promise," she said.

"_No!_" I screamed, hysteria taking over. I struggled violently against Mary Anne's hands and the bed stopped rolling. "My baby! I don't want my baby to die, Mary Anne! Stay me with me, _please!_ _Don't let me kill my baby!_" I buried my face beneath my hands. "_Please, God!_"

"Should we use some sedatives?" a voice asked.

"_No!_" Mary Anne said. She grabbed onto my wrists and pulled my hands down. She looked into my eyes for a long time and gradually I felt myself grow calmer. I swallowed. "Kristy, it's going to be all right. _I promise._ They won't hurt the babies, Kristy."

"You can't go with me?" I asked, knowing the answer.

"No, she can't," a nurse's voice said, sounding impatient. Mary Anne smiled. "Come on. We need to do this operation now."

"You can _do_ this, Kristy. Be my brave girl, all right?" Mary Anne kissed my head. "Make us all proud?"

I nodded, tears still running down my face. "OK."

I managed to calm myself down by the time my bed made it into the operating room. I looked around at the sterile walls and swallowed. The move from my bed to the table was painful and awkward, with my very pregnant belly and my left leg now in a cast up to the hip. Tears came back once more as I heard people start to move around in the room. A gentle hand brushed my hair back from my forehead.

"That's a girl." Blinking my eyes to clear my tears, I looked up. My doctor looked sweet and warm. She smiled at me as she stroked my head. "Just calm down a little, all right? This will all be over soon. I know you've had a miserable day, so I just want to get you into your room with your little ones as soon as possible."

I nodded and closed my eyes. She was right. I only had to be brave long enough for the anesthesia to kick in. I breathed in deeply and out again, like Nannie had been teaching me for when I was going to give birth naturally. My doctor complimented me and patted my hand.

"All right, honey. Let's do this."

I felt fluid rush past the slow drip of the saline coming from my IV and suddenly my eyes shot open. I stared up at my doctor in horror.

"Wait!"

"What?" she asked quickly.

"What do you mean, _two_ babies?" I asked, my voice fading as I asked.

The last thing I remembered was general laughter in the room before everything just kind of floated away into nothing.


	52. The Rest is Still Unwritten

**Chapter 52: The Rest is Still Unwritten**

**Kristy**

_July 27_

_Sometimes, words just fail me completely._

When I first began to wake up, all I could think was that I was completely exhausted. Every last fiber of my being felt like it weighed a thousand tons and all I wanted to do was sink down forever into the mattress I was lying on. I could hear voices calling my name, but they were scrambled, kind of like my thoughts, so I didn't pay them much mind. Instead I tested out my fingers, one by one, trying to see if I could lift their absurd weight from the bed. I almost laughed at the strain each finger gave my arm.

Hands then rested on my face, brushing stray hair back and away from my mouth. I wanted to giggle again. I hadn't realized that there had been two tickling little hairs on my lips but now that those gentle hands were working on pulling them free they were itching and tickling away. Then, to my displeasure, the hand's fingers plucked open my eyelids and an unpleasantly bright light was shown into my eyes.

I sputtered and heaved my head away from the light. Somewhere, someone sighed and it sounded like a sigh of relief. The hand patted me gently on the head.

"She's going to be fine," a voice said, sounding clearer now.

A few minutes passed and I tried out my fingers again. They weren't as difficult to move as they had been before. The massive weight that had nearly pinned them to the bed was gone, for the most part, and my fingers fluttered easily. I swallowed, without difficulty, and decided that it was time to try and open my eyes.

The light that flooded into them was just as unpleasant as the one that had shown into them minutes, or hours, before. There was some scuffling after I raised my hand to shield my stinging eyes and the lights dimmed. I licked my dry lips and struggled to focus my eyes. Even with my perfect 20/20 vision, I couldn't see perfectly.

"It's the anesthetic, honey," a gentle voice said. I squinted and realized that there was a nurse at my side, scribbling onto a clipboard. She was dressed in lavender colored scrubs and had a warm, friendly smile. "It's going to make you feel woozy and disoriented for a while. Do you feel like you need to throw up?"

I shook my head slowly. "No."

"That's good," my nurse told me. "If you can keep some food down, we can take that IV out sooner."

I looked down at my hand. No wonder it had felt so stiff and cramped. It was covered in tape and there was a thin tube running out from underneath the tape. I flexed the fingers on that hand and was rewarded with some uncomfortable tingling. The nurse touched my shoulder.

"Keep your hand still, honey. If you move it around too much, it might infiltrate." I stared at it in horror. "But, don't worry, it shouldn't do so long as you just keep your hand basically calm and still."

"Where am I?" I finally asked. My nurse laughed.

"Oh, that's right!" she said, looking embarrassed. "You're our trauma patient! Honey, you're in the hospital right now." She sat down beside me on the bed. "You were crossing a bridge that gave way and you broke your leg and went into labor when you fell."

"Labor?"

"Oh, but don't worry." She patted my thigh. I had never met someone who was so affectionate with a perfect stranger before. I wasn't sure whether to feel at ease with her or to uncomfortable with her. "Your girls are just fine. Perfectly fine, in fact. They're absolutely gorgeous."

I pressed my hand to my forehead and closed my eyes. Despite the still euphoric buzz of the drugs in my system, I could feel a headache start to pound in my ears. I swallowed.

"Everyone keeps saying _girls_," I said slowly. "Why do they keep saying that?"

"Did you not realize that you were pregnant with twins?" my nurse asked gently. I shook my head. "How many times did you visit your OBGYN?"

"I _hate_ going to the doctor," I snapped. I opened my eyes and shrugged. "I just… I didn't want _another_ person poking around down there, so I just asked my grandma for advice. I mean, she's had a ton of experience raising kids."

"You haven't had _any_ prenatal care?"

I shook my head. I was beginning to feel a little sick and guilty. "No… did I hurt my baby… I mean, my babies?"

She shook her head after a minute. "No, probably not. They look like healthy little girls. Are there any childhood diseases in your family?" I shook my head. "Any genetic disorders?" I shook my head again. "Well, we can run some tests on you and the girls, but I think everyone will check out all right."

"I must look like a complete idiot, huh?" I asked miserably. She reached out and caught my chin in her hand. Studying me with wide green eyes, she shook her head after a minute.

"No, honey. I've meet some idiots and you are definitely _not_ one of them." She stood up, turned around, and adjusted my blankets so that they were straight and comfortable again. "Get some rest, sweetness."

"When can I see my babies?" I asked.

"I'll check and see," she promised.

I nodded and closed my eyes. I was still pretty tired, after all. Maybe I'd doze off for a few minutes and try again to see my girls.

**52**

"Kristy?"

I opened my eyes again and was glad to see that I could finally focus them normally. I was also glad to see my mother and Watson standing close to my bedside, looking worn down and exhausted, but happy nonetheless. I reached out and they both leaned down to wrap their arms around me. I noticed that I was being hugged very gently.

"Are you afraid you might break me?" I joked as they pulled back. Mom reached out to play with my hair. When she didn't say anything, Watson shrugged.

"They performed an emergency C-section to get the babies out, Kristy." I looked down at my belly, but there were too many blankets, sheets, and gowns covering it to see anything special. I was, however, beginning to feel an ache around my stomach that suggested something big had happened there. "It's pretty major surgery. We just didn't want to jostle you."

"How are you feeling, honey?" Mom finally asked. I nodded.

"All right. I'm on a lot of drugs right now, so I guess I don't hurt very much." She looked so painfully saddened that I laughed a little. "Mom, it's all right. I don't feel that bad. Honest."

She kissed my cheek. "If you say so."

"I do say so." I felt myself perk up when my nurse came back into the room. When she got close enough to the bed, I read her nametag. "Gloria? Would it be all right if I saw my babies now?"

Gloria grinned at me. "I don't see why not," she said. "Let me go and get them for you, all right?"

After she left, I clutched at Mom's hand excitedly. She smiled at me, though it still liked a little sad.

"Can you believe it, Mom? I'm actually going to finally see my children." I closed my eyes for a moment, a shiver of excitement working its way up my spine. I didn't think that I would be so excited for this moment, when it came, but now that it was here, all I could think about were those two little babies. "I'm going to hold my babies!"

"Yeah, I'm finally a grandmother," Mom said dully and Watson laughed from beside her. She smiled a little brighter and nudged him. "Hey, mister. _You're_ a grandfather now."

"Yes, a title I'm _proud_ to have." He leaned in. "Kristy, can I have your permission to spoil these little girls rotten?"

I giggled. "Yeah, of course. Just don't let them think that I'm going to help spoil them, too."

"Miss Thomas?"

We all stopped and I felt my breath catch in my throat. Gloria slowly carried two bundles of blankets into the room. Mom and Watson stood aside so that Gloria could sit down on the bed next to me. She handed me one of the bundles and I took it as carefully as though breathing on it the wrong way would shatter it. Gloria rearranged the blanket and I had the first glimpse of her face.

Most newborns like to sleep most of the time, so I was surprised to see that this baby's eyes were open and staring straight back up at me. They were chocolate brown, shades deeper than my own, but the exact shape of mine. Her tiny mouth was open and working like she was trying to find words, like I was, to express what it was like to finally being meeting her mother. I reached down with my free hand and gently touched her mouth. She caught my finger between her lips and sucked. I gasped and Gloria laughed.

"She must be hungry!" I looked up at her. "Are you breastfeeding?" I nodded. "Here. I'll teach you while this little lady is hungry and in the mood for feeding."

We worked on feeding for a while. The baby would feed for about five minutes then doze off for a few minutes. Every time we would get ready to pull her away, she'd start sucking like crazy again and I'd let her go back to feeding. It took nearly 45 minutes for one baby to eat her lunch. Gloria and I gingerly exchanged babies.

The second baby was a lot sleepier than the first, though when I touched her face, her eyes popped open. I was surprised to see that her eyes were the exact shade of brown that mine were. Though I didn't say it aloud, I secretly hoped that this baby would be a mirror image of me. Maybe it was vanity, but it was also fun to think of watching myself grow up again, this time being on the outside.

After feeding the second baby, who took half the time her sister did, I slumped back against my pillows in exhaustion. Mom continued to rub my shoulders while Watson cooed at the babies. Gloria cleared her throat.

"Why don't we give Mom some time to take a nap? She looks beat."

Mom and Watson smiled at Gloria, catching the hint. They kissed and hugged me goodbye and, once again, I was on my own. Sleep came much easier this time, especially since I didn't have to worry about seeing my babies. I knew that they would be right there the moment I opened my eyes.

**52**

I was holding the first baby when my friends came in. I was surprised when I heard the door open and saw them _all_ hurry into my room, Stacey shutting it firmly behind her. Mallory and Jessi were giggling uncontrollably and Claudia was swatting at them to quiet down. I smiled.

"Hey, aren't there a _few_ too many of you in here?" I asked. Stacey laughed.

"Oh, _right_, like that ever stopped any of you guys whenever I was in the hospital for my diabetes," she said. I nodded as she took a step closer. "Who's that wrinkly little bald person?"

"_Stacey!_" Mary Anne said with a laugh.

"Well, it _is_."

"Does she have that new baby smell?" Shannon asked, hurrying over and bending over the baby's head. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. "Oh, _God_, I love new baby smell."

"Hey, don't _smell_ my baby!" I protested. "You're already going to give her emotional problems!"

"I don't think _smelling_ her will mess her up too badly," Abby pointed out. "Now, if I were to _grab_ her from you and play _Hot Potato_ with her… well, that would mess her up."

I pretended to clutch the baby closer. "Mary Anne, make the crazy woman leave."

"Abby, stop scaring Kristy," Mary Anne said calmly. She sat down next to me and the baby. "Have you thought of what you're going to name the babies?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I was actually going to wait until you guys got here so that I could tell you first."

"Why us?" Jessi asked.

"Because you guys have been such great friends to me," I said, making sure to catch everyone's eyes. "I don't know if I could've made it through this entire pregnancy without my friends and I think you should all have the honor of being the first to know what the babies' names will be."

"That's so sweet," Stacey said softly. Claudia wrapped an arm around her shoulders and I could tell that Stacey was trying not to cry. After all the bad things she had been through, she really deserved this. It was the least I could do for her… for all of them.

"What's her name?" Abby asked. Our eyes met and I could see shame in Abby's eyes. I could tell that she was feeling awful from the way her eyebrows raised and her mouth opened slightly. I smiled at her and her face relaxed. There wasn't any need for bad feelings.

"This little girl's name is Margaret Faith Thomas-Brewer," I said. Jessi and Mallory exchanged glances. "What?"

"It's awfully long, isn't it?" Mallory asked.

"Well, I was thinking of just calling her Maggie."

"I _like_ Maggie," Dawn said. I had almost forgotten that she was in the room, she had been so quiet. "I really like that a lot, Kristy."

"Yeah." We were both quiet and thoughtful for a moment before I cleared my throat. "I also wanted Faith as her middle name to honor all of you. It was your faith in me that kept me alive through all of this and I think Maggie should always keep in mind the importance and power of faith."

"You sound like some inspirational speaker," Abby accused me. I laughed.

"I'm just giving my reasons!"

"What about this one?" Shannon asked quietly. She was cradling my other baby in her arms, cooing gently at her. I almost asked her to put the baby back in the cradle, but seeing Shannon holding her made me remember that we were all experts around babies and if I could trust anyone around my girls, my friends were it.

"Eleanor Ramsey Thomas-Brewer," I said quietly, my eyes shifting to Jessi, whose face went blank as I told my friends the baby's middle name. "Is that all right?"

"You want to name the baby after me?" she asked quietly.

I nodded. "You. Your whole family, really."

She began to cry and Mallory was right there to hold her. I wanted to get up and hold her, too, but Stacey and Claudia completed the circle of comfort around Jessi.

**52**

It had been an insane year, full of heartache and joy. I had some of the worst moments of my life to date and some of the absolute best as well. Life had continued as it had done since the beginning of time and, for the first time, I had experience the blows of death and life up close.

Friendships had strengthened when false ones had failed and slipped away. My family proved to be the glue that held me together and my friends were the ones to help me keep my head above water.

Even though I only had a few months of formal education, I learned more this year than I have ever learned before in my entire life. I have all the battle scars to prove it, too. If anyone were to ask me if I could go back and change everything so that I wouldn't have to go through the bad parts of my year, do you know what I would say? A resounding no. Without the bad, the best parts of my year never would've happened. Who's to say that good can never come from something bad?

Now, though, it's time to start a whole, brand new year. After the craziness of this past year, you have to wonder what life could possibly hold up its sleeve for the future. Well, I say, bring it on. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me this coming year and, if I'm not, that's where my friends and family come in. Like they always have and probably always will.

_**Kristy Thomas**_


	53. Author's Note

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Author's Note**

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Thank You's**

Hello, everyone! I know that we're technically _not_ supposed to include author's notes as their own chapters, but I just feel like I have so much to say to all of you that it would be a cheap cop-out to try and squeeze it in at the bottom of the very last chapter of the story. So, here's my special little message for all of my beautiful readers:

First of all: **THANK YOU!** I feel like I'm going to sound like one of those weepy, sappy award winners who the Academy starts to play music over her voice to tell her to get off the stage already, so you'll have to bear with me. Anyways, like I said, thank you all so very much. I honestly never expected for this story to anywhere _near_ as popular as it turned out to be. I figured a handful of people would read and review it and that it would probably end up in the land of unfinished fictions because I just lost interest in it. Of course, that didn't happen, and when so many people started to review my story and started to tell me how much they liked it, I realized that I had to keep working on finishing it (all the way to the end) because I owed it to my loyal readers.

To be completely honest, my readers have meant the world to me the past few months. As many of you may know, I had to withdraw from my senior year of college due to my fibromyalgia. It's been a major struggle, trying to cope with my disease and the implications of leaving school. However, you all have managed to bring a smile to my face with each and every single one of your reviews. So, I knew that I could pour some of my hurt and pain in my writing and feel the support right back from you all.

So, thank you all. You have been my sunshine and my happiness this semester. During a painful time when I couldn't get out to see many people, you have all become my dear friends and I love all of you. I couldn't ask for _better_, more _loyal_, more _amazing_ readers than the ones I have found with this story.

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Requests**

I have a couple of requests of my readers, but hopefully requests that everyone will have fun with.

First of all, I would really like for someone to write a blurb for the story that I can include on the back cover of the hardcopy of my book. I'd write it myself, but I think it'd be better coming from someone else. I will, of course, credit whoever writes the blurb on the back cover.

Second, I would _love_ for everyone who is interested to send in reviews of the story to me through PM or email. As much as I love my chapter by chapter reviews, brief (and not so brief, too) reviews of my story overall would be amazing to include on the back cover as well as to those front pages that professionally published books devote to reviews. I will try to include everyone's (or, at least, a section of) review somewhere in the book or on the back cover.

Third, even though this is a novel, I would adore if there are any artists reading this story who would be interested in illustrating some scenes for the book. In return payment, I can add you in as a character in the sequel to _Where Your Book Begins_.

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Book**

Like I mentioned, I am going to be creating a hardcopy version of this story. For the time being (since I don't have much time due to the upcoming start of the new semester), I am going to be offering everyone the chance for a copy of the hardcopy version. However, you'll have to do the printing and binding yourselves. I've already formatted everything and it's completely ready to be sent to anyone interested in having a copy, but since I just don't have the time to print out the books for everyone who wants a copy (the book is well over 300 pages long), all I can offer are the files for everyone to print and bind their own copies. Since this doesn't cost me anything (I had to format everything for the hardcopy I am making for myself), it won't cost you anything, either.

Later on, if and when I get the time, I would like to be able to print and bind copies to send to interested readers. Those, obviously would cost money, but no more than the cost to make them plus shipping and handling.

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Spin-Offs**

**1. ****_Beauty From Pain_:  
Starring: **Stacey McGill, Mary Anne Spier, Logan Bruno, and Teddy Thomas  
**Synopsis: **Teddy Thomas isn't through with his obsessive love for Stacey McGill. He will do _anything_to get her back into his arms. Stacey runs to her best friend Mary Anne Spier (and Mary Anne's boyfriend, Logan Bruno) to shelter her and keep her safe. When Teddy comes looking for Stacey, it isn''t Stacey who ends up getting hurt. As Mary Anne heals from her trauma, Stacey and Logan are drawn together. Where everything will, you'll have to read the story to find out. It's rated M for mature themes, so look for it there.

**2._ Fade: The Hidden Diary of Karen Brewer:  
Starring:_** Karen Brewer  
**_Synopsis:_** Karen Brewer is given a diary for Christmas and decides to update it with song lyrics, book reviews, and details of her everyday life. Unfortunately, Karen is still haunted by the sexual abuse that she suffered in this book, _Where Your Book Begins_, and struggles to work through those trying times in her diary.

**The Big, Long, Official, Boring Signing Off**

All right, everyone. Thanks for reading through this. I hope to get back to everyone with _Beauty from Pain_ in the next couple of weeks, if not sooner. Until then, I plan on working on my upcoming books (and my original poetry), growing fat and happy on everyone else's stories, and _maybe _letting a couple of those little ficlets mature and pop out onto the web.

Thanks again for everything and I hope to see everyone back again soon!

_**The Lady Elizabeth**_


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